stillafool Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 16 hours ago, Jenn28 said: Yes, again and again.. And iv seen and heard it for myself! If this is true I'm sure she has told him in big bold letters he is free to have you and to please go. He's been free to be with you, as you say above "again and again", yet he hasn't budged. I'm sorry that you're just now realizing this as it could have saved you wasted years. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 17 hours ago, Jenn28 said: She knows, we've had conversations and exchanged txt messages about our 'situation'.. This seems quite strange that the wife and the mistress are chatting about it. Either way it was still an awkward triangle. All you can do is block and delete him and all his people. Why share a man when you could have a rewarding relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: This seems quite strange that the wife and the mistress are chatting about it. Either way it was still an awkward triangle. Awkward is a kind choice of words. It clearly demonstrates that the toxicity was not limited to the marriage - there were some very inappropriate boundaries crossed here and OP played her own role in the toxic nature of this love triangle… Edited May 8, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 40 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Awkward is a kind choice of words. It clearly demonstrates that the toxicity was not limited to the marriage - there were some very inappropriate boundaries crossed here and OP played her own role in the toxic nature of this love triangle… I've thought about this too. While it is not right for him to cheat on his wife.... it's more wrong for our OP to try to rock the boat by talking with the wife. All that does is make Him upset and not want our OP. My advice to our OP is to walk away... and for Him to divorce, and everyone try to find themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 8, 2023 Author Share Posted May 8, 2023 To be clear, I never once approached her first and the extent of the conversations were her asking if he was at my house to drop his things off.. I did nothing out of malice or to purposely hurt her, granted iv been selfish but never actively a nasty person! I didn't come here for judgment only advice for a hurting heart 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 To get past this you must see him for the untrustworthy liar he is and stop believing anything he said about his marriage, whether or not you think your conversations with his wife supported his position or not. No one knows what really goes on in a marriage other than the married partners, you don't know what holds them together and it's not your business to guess. More importantly, not only accept responsibility for your part in the situation, but also work on finding out why you stuck around. You have to be really honest with yourself and don't make excuses. That doesn't mean beating yourself up about it, but it does mean getting real with yourself. Otherwise you will be stuck right where you are right now. I don't think you can get past a situation like this while being easy on yourself and only seeking comfort. Facing the truth can be difficult, but it's exactly what will help you move on and not put yourself in a similar position again. That's how you heal your hurting heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 (edited) There are those people in the world who are, for lack of a better way to put it, "comfortable with dysfunction" and so you see couples who stay together despite things like regular bickering, arguments/throwing things, and the like. In some cases even cheating or other major problems. They make each other miserable, but then reconcile. One model for this sort of pattern is known as the Drama Triangle. You might research this a bit so you can be more conscious of this sort of dynamic in your next relationship. Your eight year affair may have been, in part, a "salve" for him in response to the emotional difficulties of his marriage. In the end it wasn't enough when she called for reconciliation. Although no doubt he cared for you, moving in with you may have in part been just another "move" in their dysfunctional dynamic. That's apparently all it amounted to, unfortunately for you. So, it's clearly well past time to walk away, heal emotionally (which will take some time) and seek a less dysfunctional partner. As well as get on with your other life plans. You aren't by any means the first person to have someone walk away after an extended "medium term" relationship (affair or normal) and you won't be the last. So you can take at least some consolation that there are plenty of others in the same boat as you. Edited May 8, 2023 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Jenn28 said: I didn't come here for judgment only advice for a hurting heart 😔 You are right. Most of the threads in this section don't go down the path of blame, but in this case, it felt like you were looking for justification , and a way back in. For that... I am sorry. As I said before... people who cheat normally have their main person, and a side person. I have a cousin who has been this way her entire life. She is not proud of it... but she has told me that her addiction is the same as any other. (like drugs/alcohol) She loved her BF or Husband... but they alone couldn't fill the need she had. In her case... any of her side guys were just that... a side guy. She didn't lie to them about the situation. She even had one guy for 2 years during her marriage. She would go to his house... they would have crazy sex, and she would go home. (May order food in once in a while) I know this second girl who was that way also. Unfortunately, she would try to build a "Loving" relationship with her side guys, and because of that, it would hurt the other guy... and it eventually hurt her. But... her way of moving on is to just find another guy. I find in her social media about how she wants to do self harm... and that normally lines up with her losing a guy. (She has been trying to hide the truth from me lately) Anyway.... you need to accept that you were the "Side Chick" and to him, it will never be anything more. If you want your hart to feel better... then you will have to go NC and start the healing process. It's not easy... we are all here because of someone who has hurt us. It will take months, or even years to get over it, and to have restful sleep again. The first couple months are going to be very hard... but do not look at his social media, and do not talk/txt with him. I really don't recommend blocking him, unless he starts getting bad. The reason for that is... you did spend 8 years together, an he may need to contact you on something important. I wish you piece in moving forward. Edited May 8, 2023 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 1 hour ago, Jenn28 said: To be clear, I never once approached her first and the extent of the conversations were her asking if he was at my house to drop his things off. Well from what you wrote below it seemed that you had conversations with her in person and in text. 21 hours ago, Jenn28 said: She knows, we've had conversations and exchanged txt messages about our 'situation'.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 8, 2023 Author Share Posted May 8, 2023 In regards to sharing specifics there was none of that on my part, I purely meant she knew he was here and we discussed this and not in a pleasant nature and over 8 years this happened a few times over txt and brief calls only.. This didn't mean sit down coffee type discussions! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 8, 2023 Share Posted May 8, 2023 2 hours ago, Jenn28 said: I did nothing out of malice or to purposely hurt her Then let this be a serious life lesson: doing things you know will cause harm to others even if your intention isn't to hurt them is not okay, either. It doesn't make any of this any better. The hurt party winds up hurt all the same. Your intent isn't really relevant here. 2 hours ago, Jenn28 said: advice for a hurting heart Cut all communication with him. Understand that this was essentially always a fantasy, and it turned out to be a very (emotionally) costly one for you. Work on re-establishing the friendships you lost. Investigate options to re-start your education. You can turn yourself around, but it's going to be a long path. Be patient with yourself here. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jenn28 Posted May 8, 2023 Author Share Posted May 8, 2023 Thank you everyone for all your advice, I will go now a try and take all this on board.. I appreciate all the thoughts and understanding for the most part anyway x Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted May 8, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted May 8, 2023 Thread closed at OP's request Link to post Share on other sites
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