Taj Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 (edited) My partner and I have been dating for years. We mostly get on really well, we've recently bought a house together and are considering marriage and kids. The main blocker for further commitment is from my partner; she's only ever been with me, but I had one sexual partner before we started dating. She says she feels jealous and angry that she never had that experience and also sick at the idea of me with another girl. To be clear, there was no overlap and I didn't cheat on her. While there's this thought for her, I don't know if she'll ever feel settled enough to get married. Should we consider couples counseling or cut our losses if this will always be a thorn for her? We talk about our choices often, she always is the one to bring it up but no conclusion is reached. I feel sad that she's upset but I don't know what to do as I can't change the past to make us equally experienced Edited May 5, 2023 by Taj Misunderstood the title field Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 One thing seems for certain - if you can't overcome this issue, you need to each go your separate ways. That said - why have you bought a house together when you have such a tremendous disconnect between the two of you? How have you organized the purchase and titling of this home? Have you both put in an equal financial stake? Both names on the title? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 46 minutes ago, Taj said: She says she feels jealous and angry that she never had that experience Well then, she should end the relationship if she feels that strongly. Then, she will be free to explore… 47 minutes ago, Taj said: She says she feels sick at the idea of me with another girl. Meaning, in the future? She wanted to keep you around for security while she bemoans the fact that she’s never had another sexual partner? I wouldn’t tolerate this for long. Or, she is sick at the idea that you’ve been with another girl - while she has not had another partner? Because that is just plain silliness… people have sex. Any future relationship partner she finds is likely to have had sex with other women. It’s very unrealistic of her to expect that any man she dated would not have had other partners… Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 1 hour ago, Taj said: . Should we consider couples counseling or cut our losses if this will always be a thorn for her? I can't change the past to make us equally experienced Exactly. You can't change the past. Why is she beating you up over this? How old is she? Is it jealousy or does she want an open relationship? Yes try couples counseling. Arguing about something intangible and unchangeable could mean something else is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 (edited) Each time she raises the issue, you reassure her and then (I assume) she feels better for a bit. Then she starts feeling bad again and the cycle continues. Your reassurance is positive reinforcement for her behaviour and so she will keep it up because it makes her feel good. I'd try stopping the conversation with her. Tell her once "We keep having this conversation, but my reassurances aren't helping you. I can't change the past - and I can't keep having this conversation. This is something you have to deal with on your own. Please find a therapist and find a solution". After that, any time she raises the subject again, don't reassure her. Simply tell her that you are not having this conversation. If she pushes, walk away from her. Yes, it may lead to the end of the relationship. But equally, it may lead her to sorting herself out. Edited May 5, 2023 by basil67 clarity 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2023 Share Posted May 5, 2023 Basil hit the nail right on the head! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 10, 2023 Share Posted May 10, 2023 She is being unreasonable. Your past is not important so she is downright mean for being angry with you about it when she has no right to be. It sounds like she is hinting for you to give her the green light to 'explore'. Give her a permanent green light but not to have the expectation of coming back to you. I really don't like her attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted May 10, 2023 Share Posted May 10, 2023 I think your partner is being ridiculous. It isn't as if you had 100 partners and she only had you. She needs to leave if she can't handle your sexual past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 10, 2023 Share Posted May 10, 2023 (edited) She is being ridiculous. It's none of her business what you did before her and you should tell her that and welcome her to leave is she doesn't like it. Whatever you do don't waste money on counseling with her. Stand up for yourself because she's trying to control you. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't cheat on you to even the score. Edited May 10, 2023 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
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