Incredibly screwed up situation

[riverdude68]

I have been married for almost 25 years.  The first five years were really good.  I have grown kids who we still support in college.  My wife and I live about 1,000 miles a part 80% of the year.  When we are together, it is a sexless marriage.  She makes more money than I do, but I have a six figure income.   I am high profile in my work, in a small town.  I am socially isolated and have no real solid friend connections, partially due to my position as a leader.  I have not cheated or done anything disrespectful to my wife.  I spend most of my time on home renovations.  I have an elderly father moving in with me in the Fall.  My mother is in hospice and will die any day now.  My kids almost never reach out to talk with me on their own, yet I have reasonably good relationships with them both.  My son is much closer to me than my daughter.  I am overweight, out of shape and feel depressed a lot.  I have not been hugged in a very long time.  I feel really crappy a lot of the time.  I went on social media to try and make some friends and really got nowhere.  I owe a lot of money, that if I divorced my wife, I would not have the resources to repay.  If I divorced her,  I feel like I would lose the only relationships I have with my kids.  I am not suicidal, but I definitely understand how someone could get to be.  

I have dreamt about just packing up and leaving and moving to the Philippines to find new love and a new life.  I cannot afford to do anything like that.  I have recently gone to local bars at night, really just to talk with people and not to be alone.  I sip one beer for an hour, and really don't even get into a conversation, except on rare occasions.  I feel isolated, and basically marginalized in my social life, and I am in a major leadership role in the day, which is exhausting.  

 

Edited May 6, 2023 by riverdude68
not done

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe you need to get a therapist to help you navigate some necessary changes in your life.   Clearly you are depressed.

I understand how a person can come to the point of feeling so stuck that they can't do anything to change their life.   

You seem to have handled things very passively for years.  

Questions:

What kind of leadership role do you have?   

Why don't you pay down your debts, since you make a good income? 

Why do you and your wife both choose to live so far apart?   

Do you have any hope of restoring your marriage or is it either going to be like this, or terminated?

How does your wife feel about this?

 

[Weezy1973]

Agree therapy will help. I’d suggest breaking things down into small manageable steps. Eating healthy. Starting an exercise routine. Getting healthy physically will play a big role in your mental health and mood over time.

[stillafool]

Why doesn't your wife give you hugs.  Do you spend time with each other?

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

Your post raises many questions.  Why do you and your wife live apart?   Do you call your kids for a chat often?  (my mum calls me weekly, so I know that's how often she wants to be called).  Why does being a leader preclude you from having friends?  Why do you have so much debt if you have a good income?

Being overweight, unfit and depressed is likely all tied in together.  It's hard to address the former when you're feeling this way 🥺   Have you spoken to your doctor about it?

Edited May 6, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

On 5/6/2023 at 2:54 PM, riverdude68 said:

My wife and I live about 1,000 miles a part 80% of the year.  When we are together, it is a sexless marriage.  She makes more money than I do, but I have a six figure income.   I am high profile in my work, in a small town.  I am socially isolated and have no real solid friend connections, partially due to my position as a leader.

Clearly this job has not been worth it and has been the downfall of your life.

It took you away and disconnected you from your family and completely isolated you.

Maybe it's time to leave this job and find something you love to do and be able to stay at home.

Maybe you and your wife can reconnect again.