Letting go - gradual process, or significant turning point(s)?

[Trimmer]

In reading and posting about separation and divorce, I've been thinking lately about the process of "letting go" or acceptance, or whatever you want to call it, and I'm interested in other peoples' experiences.

 

• At what stage did you 'let go' or really feel that you were accepting the end of your relationship? (pre-separation, post-separation, post-divorce, still not yet?)
  
• Here's the real fundamental part of my recent thoughts: did you find that the 'letting go' process was just a long gradual experience, or did you also find there were one or more significant 'turning points' along the way that made a big difference in a short time?
  
• And what differences did you find in your feelings/behaviors between the 'before letting go' and 'after letting go' points?

And lest I implicitly exclude anyone, I'm interested in the experiences of both those who left a relationship, as well as those who were left...

 

In my case, my wife had announced "problems", and the presence of an OM was soon after revealed. (His presence was always known, the fact that he was an at-least-emotionally-attached "OM" was the new revelation...) I was not interested in letting go, and even considered consciously whether letting go was "giving up" when I should continue to be strong and determined to try to get us back on track. I did my share of pretending to be strong, bargaining, discussing, etc., but without any hopeful response from my wife, who was clear enough to say she didn't love me and didn't want to be married any more.

 

Where are we now? We are separated, are working on divorce papers which we'll file together, and informally negotiating the parenting plan and property settlement issues, with amicable education and backup from lawyers on each side.

 

Turning points? At one point, referring to an EA/PA she had 10 years ago (the only other one AFAIK...) she said that she wouldn't have told me about it if it hadn't been at risk of being revealed by that OM to his wife. My eyes just widened, and I was speechless, and although I didn't fully understand it until later, that very moment was a major turning point for me. I believe that little bit of honesty-about-dishonesty added the last straw - showed me my breaking point, and finally got it through my head that things were irretrievably over.

 

It didn't necessarily happen over night, and there were (and are) still ups and downs, but before that point, I had been in agony - confused, therefore afraid, therefore angry - and it felt like the pressure just kept building. I was sneaking around spying, trying to learn whatever I could about her situation, and using that to keep some kind of connection with her and control over the situation, no matter how pathological or masochistic.

 

After that point, I gradually turned from hostile agony to what I describe as a peaceful sadness, and was able to stop wasting my energy on spying and trying to figure her out, and start spending it in a positive way on myself and moving forward.

 

The other turning point I would mention is that I have always had a fantasy that she would walk under a tree and a coconut would fall and hit her in the head (metaphorically, please, folks...) and she would wake up and say, oh my gosh, what a mistake I'm making - I want to fix this! But I recently realized with a mixture of distress and I don't know what else, that the idea of trying to go back and fix it has now become more daunting, more scary, than the idea of moving forward from here. And as I realize that this is probably another stage of accepting the inevitable, it weighs on me in a kind of a sad way, as if I'm not just accepting, but giving up.

 

Maybe her comment about her willingly dishonest attitude was out of my control, so it was somewhat of a relief to get the truth out there. But my giving up is in my control, so it weighs a little more heavily on me...

 

Any other experiences?

[trickynj99]

Trimmer

 

We have just decided to separate. We have to work it out as to the details and the kids.....and beleive it or not, we are going to a wedding out of town this weekend!! omg ...

 

anyway...we've had "problems for 9 months...now here we are.

 

i have already felt all the things you mention pretty much...at different parts of different days i feel strong/weak sure/unsure lost/resolved and generally very lonely..i havent had a hug from a woman who loved me for a long long time

 

so i think over time we all let go and events and circumstances dictate how fast it happens and where we come out in the end (ie in some cases i'm sure some of us regret our decisions long term, others simply move on)...since we are all different how could it be any other way?

 

since we are about to separate. (24 hrs ago we decided)...i have been very calm...wife has cried nonstop and didnt sleep(and she's the one who supposedly isnt "in love")..despite being calm i am also very very sad and spent all day moping around work...we'll see what the next day brings and next week when we get back from the wedding, the hard part starts

[bkz]

Trimmer

 

We have just decided to separate. We have to work it out as to the details and the kids.....and beleive it or not, we are going to a wedding out of town this weekend!! omg ...

 

I know from following your original thread that youve restled with leaving for a while now, sorry to here its come to this. I really hope things work out for the best for you and your family, mabye this is something you and your wife need? Again sorry to here this and hope the best for you.

[dgiirl]

The emotional rollercoaster is a long fricken ride. For the first 5 months I was a basket case crying every single day. When my mom got sick in August, I got a kick in the behind to stop grieving my marriage and start to focus on other things in my life. The crying every day shortly stopped after that. For a month or two I was doing pretty good. We negoitiated the terms of our divorce fairly smoothly with little emotional outbreaks. I think it's harder for me because my ex is a martyr. So it's very hard to know if he's doing something because he's a nice guy or because he's acting out his martyrness. Everything's always been my fault. I've been programmed to believe it was my fault, so I still feel guilty and have a ton of regrets. I wish I could snap out of it. Just dont know how. The only thing I can do is to keep no contact and keep planning the future. Take every day, one day at a time.

 

Almost 9 months, and I still havent accepted it.

[Darkfire]

Trimmer, your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I understand the pain of digging around in purses, and notes, and driving by "hot spots" you think your wife may be at. And when you confront them, they accuse you of having no trust, or trying to be controlling. Just recently we became separated, a factor was a 3rd party "friend" who she obviously wants more from. We had agreed not to see other people during our separation, but of course she lied (I've had at least 2, probably more extra-marital affairs from her.) I realized that even though she had agreed to try counseling before divorce, her heart is just not in it. And the truth is, A LEOPARD DOESN'T CHANGE IT'S SPOTS! (usually). So listen up buddy. You were justified in spying and searching because there was something going on. But you can't live life like that. If you're faithful like I am, follow your heart. We had the same turning point...that honesty/dishonesty bit. For me, I had to realize, that she doesn't love me, and I will never ever know the whole truth. And every day, every minute, that I think about it...is just a waste of good energy that I could be putting into myself, or my children. Good Luck Buddy...I think the truth here is that letting go is a combination of turning points and gradualism.

[scobro]

At what stage did you 'let go' or really feel that you were accepting the end of your relationship? (pre-separation, post-separation, post-divorce, still not yet?)

 

For me it was when I moved out of our townhouse and on my own,for 6 weeks after my wife ended it I was living in the house but she had already moved on to someone else.

 

did you find that the 'letting go' process was just a long gradual experience, or did you also find there were one or more significant 'turning points' along the way that made a big difference in a short time?

 

It was gradual I am still trying to let go, no contact helps

 

And what differences did you find in your feelings/behaviors between the 'before letting go' and 'after letting go' points?

 

I didnt think about my ex and the situation every second of the day,i was out on a date last night and didn't think about the ex once.So it gets easier as time goes on but you still get the hard days

[scobro]

If you're faithful like I am, follow your heart. We had the same turning point...that honesty/dishonesty bit. For me, I had to realize, that she doesn't love me, and I will never ever know the whole truth.

 

man I hear that loud and clear I will only know what she was willing to tell and what I could find out but it will never be the whole truth

[scobro]

i also found an internet print out by a law firm of hypothetical law questions and answers like "my father in law bought me a car while married now that we are separating can i still keep the car"those type of questions,anyway I look through it and my wife bookmarked a page by folding it down the question was(check this out)"My wife is leaving the marriage due to seeing another man,is she still entitled to assets even though she is ending the marriage."I didn't feel to great reading that so i confront her and of course she denied bookmarking it and has no idea how it got like that.The same old deny and lie right till the end.

[sexysi]

Wow. I've been lurking on this site for a couple of days now and when I found this thread I knew I had to reply. I totally understand the whole sneaking around and looking at notes etc.... My wife started an affair weeks after we got married and I think I knew right away that something was wrong - so I went through all that ****, feeling guilty, being constantly suspicious. 2 months later I found at the truth and we spent a year repairing the damage. That was 3 years ago and this last several weeks I have begun feeling the same way.

 

Then two weeks ago I confronted my wife and asked her straight out if there was another man (again). She denied it but not convincingly enough for me - things have been going downhill for a couple of months and I knew the marriage was on the rocks. I finally asked her "Do you want to make this marriage work?" Her answer....."I don't know...". I told her that wasn't acceptable and said if she loved me she should know. Anyway, a day later I told her that unless she could tell me she wanted to make this relationship work I would leave. She still wouldn't give me an answer - so I left.

 

A few days later I went round to spend time with our son. After he went to bed I asked my wife "Is this what you REALLY want?" She said 'Yes'. I asked "are you sure?" and her reply? "You left me!" Wow! That for me is when I knew it was the end. She was so cold, so callous. Not once when I was packing my bags did she ask me not to leave. When I did go she went out to a Christmas party. I'm sure there is another man in the picture but to be honest I'm too tired and of the lies and the bull**** to really find out. Part of me wants to know the truth to sneak around, to check the house, see who she is seeing but deep down I know our marriage is over and I'm just causing myself more pain.

 

So, to answer your first question. When the wife said "You left me..." I knew we were done and that I was going to have to 'let go'.

Si