Texting too much

[Where to now]

We have been married 20 years and have 3 kids. We have had a great marriage so far.  Everybody has ups and downs and so have we but overall it’s been great.  For context, my wife is 8 years older than me and very attractive. She also has a very fun personality.  While she likes to have fun with people she’s never done anything that was concerning to me that would have been considered flirting.  
 

So, my wife was going to meet me at my work to help me with a project. She called to say that she had a bad headache and said he needed to stay home and go to bed. About 2 hours later I came home.  She was in the phone to a good friend of mine which is not weird.  (Let’s call him Steve) He was in our wedding and she has helped him with work projects.  And this was exactly what she was doing.  However the fact that she was laughing and carrying on and it was obvious that she had been on the phone with him for awhile started to bug me because she said she had to stay home with a headache.

When she finally got off of the phone, I wasn’t angry, but I did ask her why she hadn’t helped me and I thought that she was sick. She said that she started to feel better and that’s when he called her. He needed help with a work project.

I let that go and she went and took a shower. When she got in the shower, her phone went off and she had a message. I told her that she had received a message and she said oh it’s probably  Steve.  She said to bring her phone to her.  When I did another message came in for Steve.  The message lit up her phone and I could read the message. There was nothing wrong with a message, but what I noticed was that there were a lot of messages.

Now, I know that they have texted before for various reasons, and that never bothered me at all. But I was surprised how many text messages there were back-and-forth. Later that night, I asked her how often they text she said that they don’t text very much but that they had lately because, he needed help with a work project. She acted a little strange and so it made me ask a few more questions. Finally, I asked her if I could see their text messages. She acted very nervous and let me take her phone and I scrolled up and saw that there are a lot of messages in the last eight months.  She acted nervous, and I gave her her phone back.
 

Right before we went to bed, she went to the bathroom and took her phone. Which surprised me because she never takes her phone to the bathroom. I know most of us will do that because we’re bored in the bathroom but she never does that. And bother me so I walked to the door and asked her if she was looking at her text messages from Steve. She said that she was not looking at her text messages. I politely asked her if she was telling the truth, which I knew might start an argument. She said she was checking social media.

Later that night when she went to bed, I got up about four in the morning. None of this was making sense so as much as I hated it, I grabbed her phone and looked through the text messages from Steve. They had been texting a lot for quite a while. Sometimes every day. She can stay home during the day. Steve has a job that allows him some flexibility. I didn’t really see any messages that were crazy, sexual or crazy inappropriate, but there were a few messages that bother me. One in particular was when she said she needed to start working out more and he told her that she didn’t need to work out that she look great. But then I remembered that she had her phone with her in the bathroom and I thought that maybe she had deleted the messages.

First thing in the morning when she got up, I said down with her and told her that I didn’t think she was being honest with me. I told her that she told me last night that they didn’t text much. I actually ran the numbers and they had texted almost 6 days a week. And then I asked her again if she was checking her messages in the bathroom. This time she admitted she had been checking her messages with Steve. She said that she was checking to make sure there wasn’t anything that could’ve been taken out of context. I told her that didn’t make sense and that if there is nothing going on, and I am a reasonable man, but if there was nothing there then it should be a problem. 
 

It surprised me that she lied about checking the text. She is usually very honest, even if it embarrasses her. She says that she does not have feelings for him, and I told her that, that is hard to believe when someone texts another person that much. I told her that I did not find anything crazy inappropriate, but that it didn’t seem that there were some days that they were no text messages and that she could have deleted them.

I do not want to overreact, but this is concerning to me. And she has never given me any reason in the past to think that she has done anything outside of our marriage. But this is a weird one. Steve is a very good friend of mine and him and I text and talk all the time. Steve has never told me, hey, I was talking to your wife the other day. Another thing is, Steve is a very attractive and successful, and very personable man. Am I making too much of this?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Where to now said:

 Steve is a very good friend of mine and him and I text and talk all the time. 

Are you concerned they're having an emotional affair?  

[BaileyB]

No, if my partner was texting constantly with one of my friends I would find that very inappropriate. 

I’m not sure that I would call this “cheating,” but I do think that she would be wise to reconsider her actions because this is a slippery slope. This would be a good time to have a discussion about your expectations related to your marriage and maintaining healthy relationship boundaries. 
 

Edited May 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[Where to now]

To answer the first question, yes.  I am worried about an emotional affair.  I also wonder if I keep digging will I find more.  I don’t like to be in this position as it is new territory for me and her.  
I’m just surprised by her dishonesty.  It’s really taken me aback.  I don’t want to ignore a warning sign but I also don’t want to overreact 

[Where to now]

To answer the first question, yes.  I am worried about an emotional affair.  I also wonder if I keep digging will I find more.  I don’t like to be in this position as it is new territory for me and her.  
I’m just surprised by her dishonesty.  It’s really taken me aback.  I don’t want to ignore a warning sign but I also don’t want to overreact 

[Where to now]

Bailey B,

I totally agree that it is not cheating. You bring up a good point about boundaries and expectations but what is frustrating is that her and I discuss these all the time.  We have both agreed that something bothers one of us then the other will take it seriously and we have both agreed in the past that people need to be careful with texting and social media.  As you said it can be a slippery slope.  Im just floored that it happened when I know that she would NOT be happy had I been texting one of her friends that much, especially without her knowledge.  
 

I am truly very careful in that area as her and I have discussed that before

bummer

[understand50]

Where to now,

The big red flag is her being secret about her  contact (texting) with "Steve".  If nothing is happening, then she should be able to be open about it.  Married women, and men, have no secret contact with others of the opposite sex.  (OK, the exception being surprise parties, and things, done for the benefit of the other spouse, and this would be a temporary secret ).  The fact she was trying to edit, and hide is the issue.  She is acting as if she is being,  or thinking  of being unfaithful.  She may not even know this.  As she is older, she has had other relationships, (Right?) so she knows the game.  Look, we all fall in lust, we all have men and women we "like",  but in order to have these friend relationships, when you are married, one must be open and completely honest  about them to your spouse. NO EXCEPTIONS.  Even if nothing is going on, and probably is,  her actions plant doubts in your mind.

Also, I would talk to your friend Steve and ask whats going on.

I wish you luck....

 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

You're headed for a slippery slope, checking her phone, the trust between you and her is eroding and all that will do is take her actions underground, if there are any.  It's best to come at your partner from an area of understanding and love, instead of "I'm looking to find dirt" on you.  Open ALL lines of communication, give her a safe space to share her feelings with you.  Do it in marriage counseling if you need a facilitator.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/7/2023 at 1:22 AM, Where to now said:

Am I making too much of this?

No. 

They're talking too much. She's being secretive. That is not good. While this is not cheating, it's a slippery slope towards it. It's time for an honest conversation about why she's communicating so much with your friend, because it's clearly not just about work projects. 

On 5/7/2023 at 1:22 AM, Where to now said:

Steve is a very good friend of mine

You might want to reevaluate this assertion. 

[Weezy1973]

@Where to now Your spidey senses are tingling, and rightfully so. But where to now is indeed the question. Guessing your kids are still at home? 
 

Her first instinct was to hide things and lie. That’s a really bad starting place. If she wants your marriage to work she needs to be completely open and honest. Was this just a slip and boundaries pushed too far? Or is this already an emotional affair? Or is it already physical? 

[Bryanp]

How do you think she would react if the roles were reversed, and you were secretly texting non stop another female?

[JTSW]

You need to have a talk with Steve.

Tell him that all the excessive communication with your wife is making you feel very uncomfortable.

 

[mark clemson]

There may be no intent to "do anything" with this friend. However, as a spouse, IMO you should be able to nix any friendship that you feel threatens the relationship. To use a metaphor, you are a king, the friend is a pawn (in terms of relative importance) or should be. Your needs should trump the need to have a friendship with this specific person. She can always go find another, different friend.

So IMO it's reasonable for you to ask that she curtail this friendship. Ask specifically that she NOT carry on with it behind your back, without telling you, but just drop it completely, except perhaps as needed for work purposes. Tell her she is welcome to have other friends, just not this one, for the reasons you've stated in your post.

That should work. IF it doesn't, you may have to start looking at other options, but hopefully it never comes to that.

Friendships are not affairs, BUT there can be the question of what is the intent of having the friendship (in some cases, most are normal/"innocent"). Also friendships can sometimes lead to affairs if the people develop feelings for each other. I believe women in particular can "not have any feelings for the person" and then relatively suddenly "develop them". I'm not sure about the psychology and/or honesty of this phenomenon, but I believe it does sometimes happen.

Anyway, IMO you're not wrong to be somewhat concerned here.

[Author]

Hello everyone.  This is the author.  (I forgot my password). Just an update:

So, I’ve had several lengthy conversations with my wife.  She had told me that she is very embarrassed about the situation.  She says that she does not have any feelings for Steve however she realizes that they texted too much. She actually printed off all of the conversations to show that there were no inappropriate issues talked about.  She also said that she will never text him again if that’s what I want.  She has know him for 20 years and he feels like a friend but she agrees that marriages should have boundaries and she does understands me being upset.  She apologized for being so defensive and she said that she was embarrassed.  I apologized for going through her phone but she said in my position she probably would have done the same thing.  There were more conversations but for the ask of time I’ll stop there.  I do appreciate her apologizing and her willingness to cut all ties but I told her we don’t have to be that severe 

Also, I had lunch with Steve and brought this to his attention.  He told me he had two women in his life that he feels comfortable enough to text like that.  His sister and my wife.  He was embarrassed and apologized profusely.  He did point out that he had told me a few times that they had texted about a few times and that it was not his intention to be secretive.  He told me that if I want that he would never text her again. I told him just to text my wife and i together if he had another work issue and he agrees that that  is the smartest thing to do.  He told me that he had started to wonder if they were texting too much but that he told himself that she was just a friend.  But he agreed that there need to be boundaries in marriages.  He had just recently partially retired and he has more time in the day to text.  (I told him to find a different hobby than texting my wife. - He laughed and agreed)
 

All in all I’m pleased with their responses.  I will stay vigilant in protecting my marriage but allow this to not fester and be sensitive about every little thing. Thanks everyone.  I’ll update if anything changes. 

[mark clemson]

Sounds like this worked out well (which certainly isn't the case for every story around here). Good for you!

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Author said:

  He had just recently partially retired and he has more time in the day to text.  (I told him to find a different hobby than texting my wife. - He laughed and agreed)

That's a great response. Glad you got things out in the open.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like they both responded well.

There is such a fine line between close friends and flirtation. Such a fine line. 

But, you were right to be suspicious and to take action. Now, I say don't close your eyes. You got reassured by words, but don't close your eyes. I have a hard time thinking they will go cold turkey and immediately cut off talking. I'm not saying that means they're flirting, just saying both offering to never text sounds over the top to me. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

This is indeed very inappropriate.  Eight long months, Sneaking in the bathroom and other things that lead me to believe they are having an emotional affair without a lot of flair.  I honestly believe she is using the project as an excuse to keep texting and talking to Steve. Does she actually think you are that "stupid?"  I sure am not.  They have a huge crush on each other and I am wondering what is going to come next.  Set b😒oundaries.

[mark clemson]

I actually agree it might be wise to keep half an eye on them JIC. Very much most likely whatever this was (or wasn't) it's over now, but that said there's a time to "trust but verify"...

[pepperbird2]

On 5/6/2023 at 8:22 PM, Where to now said:

We have been married 20 years and have 3 kids. We have had a great marriage so far.  Everybody has ups and downs and so have we but overall it’s been great.  For context, my wife is 8 years older than me and very attractive. She also has a very fun personality.  While she likes to have fun with people she’s never done anything that was concerning to me that would have been considered flirting.  
 

So, my wife was going to meet me at my work to help me with a project. She called to say that she had a bad headache and said he needed to stay home and go to bed. About 2 hours later I came home.  She was in the phone to a good friend of mine which is not weird.  (Let’s call him Steve) He was in our wedding and she has helped him with work projects.  And this was exactly what she was doing.  However the fact that she was laughing and carrying on and it was obvious that she had been on the phone with him for awhile started to bug me because she said she had to stay home with a headache.

When she finally got off of the phone, I wasn’t angry, but I did ask her why she hadn’t helped me and I thought that she was sick. She said that she started to feel better and that’s when he called her. He needed help with a work project.

I let that go and she went and took a shower. When she got in the shower, her phone went off and she had a message. I told her that she had received a message and she said oh it’s probably  Steve.  She said to bring her phone to her.  When I did another message came in for Steve.  The message lit up her phone and I could read the message. There was nothing wrong with a message, but what I noticed was that there were a lot of messages.

Now, I know that they have texted before for various reasons, and that never bothered me at all. But I was surprised how many text messages there were back-and-forth. Later that night, I asked her how often they text she said that they don’t text very much but that they had lately because, he needed help with a work project. She acted a little strange and so it made me ask a few more questions. Finally, I asked her if I could see their text messages. She acted very nervous and let me take her phone and I scrolled up and saw that there are a lot of messages in the last eight months.  She acted nervous, and I gave her her phone back.
 

Right before we went to bed, she went to the bathroom and took her phone. Which surprised me because she never takes her phone to the bathroom. I know most of us will do that because we’re bored in the bathroom but she never does that. And bother me so I walked to the door and asked her if she was looking at her text messages from Steve. She said that she was not looking at her text messages. I politely asked her if she was telling the truth, which I knew might start an argument. She said she was checking social media.

Later that night when she went to bed, I got up about four in the morning. None of this was making sense so as much as I hated it, I grabbed her phone and looked through the text messages from Steve. They had been texting a lot for quite a while. Sometimes every day. She can stay home during the day. Steve has a job that allows him some flexibility. I didn’t really see any messages that were crazy, sexual or crazy inappropriate, but there were a few messages that bother me. One in particular was when she said she needed to start working out more and he told her that she didn’t need to work out that she look great. But then I remembered that she had her phone with her in the bathroom and I thought that maybe she had deleted the messages.

First thing in the morning when she got up, I said down with her and told her that I didn’t think she was being honest with me. I told her that she told me last night that they didn’t text much. I actually ran the numbers and they had texted almost 6 days a week. And then I asked her again if she was checking her messages in the bathroom. This time she admitted she had been checking her messages with Steve. She said that she was checking to make sure there wasn’t anything that could’ve been taken out of context. I told her that didn’t make sense and that if there is nothing going on, and I am a reasonable man, but if there was nothing there then it should be a problem. 
 

It surprised me that she lied about checking the text. She is usually very honest, even if it embarrasses her. She says that she does not have feelings for him, and I told her that, that is hard to believe when someone texts another person that much. I told her that I did not find anything crazy inappropriate, but that it didn’t seem that there were some days that they were no text messages and that she could have deleted them.

I do not want to overreact, but this is concerning to me. And she has never given me any reason in the past to think that she has done anything outside of our marriage. But this is a weird one. Steve is a very good friend of mine and him and I text and talk all the time. Steve has never told me, hey, I was talking to your wife the other day. Another thing is, Steve is a very attractive and successful, and very personable man. Am I making too much of this?

I’d sit her down and talk all this out.