Fresh wounds

[Eveningwalk]

Hey there, this is as for probably most people on here a new experience and somewhat scary to create post.

This Friday after being in a relationship for more than two years, my girlfriend broke up with me. The message was long and painful, and after the troubling time we have had I do understand she cannot take it anymore and needs time to heal. We had a fight the day before, yet we made up and it seemed we both were trying, usually that goes a little stiff. We were texting in the morning and suddenly a breakup texted followed on another platform.

Shock, heartbroken. She had blocked me on every possible platform except 1 (more on that later). I know my flaws and I really do understand and see my part in all of this. However that Friday it felt as if I was about to die, my heart rate was over the roof, I couldn't breathe, knowing I couldn't even respond to her message. I felt abandoned after a morning of normal and even loving texting.

I know I have to work hard on myself and become the person she fell in love with / work to become my better self again. Truth is, we both made painful mistakes. She by the way how she treated me at times, (making me feel as if I'm last on the to do list)  and me how more explosive I started to react over time, (I can say terrible things when I am mad and scared. There is no excuse and I should have jumped into therapy to work on my part a long time ago.

Although she always said how much of a loving person I am, she even said it that Friday. Personally I think a break would have been the best thing for both of us. I had implied that some time before but we never went for it. With staying in the situation and not taking a break from each other I believe we stayed in that spiral while we both probably needed space and time to reflect in able to grow back together.

Sadly, instead of taking that break that I implied on Thursday, she kept up appearance, say sweet things until after 14:00 only to receive the most painful message around 14:30, finding out I also got removed from every social media platform (yet, up until today; Sunday she thankfully still has her profile pictures with us) The floor got ripped away from under my feet.

That night of course I couldn't sleep and couldn't help myself to text her on the one platform. So I send 3 long, yet in my eyes understanding, loving and caring messages where I told her to give her the peace and let her be until the end of her exam period. I hoped she wouldn't reply, because I thought that would be a good thing, but she did reply. It was a caring yet painful message and I think some things she said there are how she started to feel recently, perhaps it's a shield she outs up to protect herself and me. Whatever the case, she feels this way now and I can only show to respect that.

Now, Sunday morning I was typing this message and she texted me on WhatsApp. Some weeks ago I scheduled in a YouTube Short about me traveling to her place (she lives abroad) I went there for for Easter which is not clear when seeing the Short. She texted me to please don't come and please respect the decision, ''coming there wouldn't change anything''. I understand her fear, thinking I stepped over her boundaries but the truth is that the video really was scheduled in weeks ago and the YouTube channel really was the last thing on my mind. I really hate how that Short probably came across as very desperate and disrespecting her boundaries. It might cost a shock reaction within thinking I was really on my way.

I texted her back very short telling her that it is a per-scheduled Short and that I do respect her decision. Usually I would go overboard, sending her something long when I feel anxious but I payed attention not to do that. She replied shortly back thanking me, saying she is truly sorry.

Initially I wanted to start the No Contact rule after sending her those 3 messengers on that other platform, which was very hard because of course I have a lot to say and of course I want to share my emotions.With that short reply on WhatsApp I assume I calmed her down if she really feared I took the bus right after she broke up with me. This is I think the moment to start the No Contact rule. 

With that I need to take the time also to focus on myself, I believe I already am (maybe It's the hope that motivates me, to when we will talk again that I don't have empty words but am in fact strong, fun and attractive to her again. I do believe in it) We talked, called every morning, every day, every night, we saw each other as often as we could. It hasn't even been two days and I already feel this silence and cold.

No Contact for me is also trying to stay away from social media, because even though I am removed we still have our chats on Instagram and FB, where I can see she still has our profile pictures together. I know that if she decides to changes those, that it will have another devastating effect on me.

How do you deal with No Contact? Is it alright for me not to touch my profile pictures of us together, to leave them be. I even turned my Instagram to public in case she wants to heck up on me in the future. I don't want to remove our pictures not change my profile pictures.

The truth is, I love this girl so freaky much. I am very emotional and I am pushing it away with hope, wanting to become my best version for her. I want to win her back, no matter what. Of course it feels like I am dying but with crying and making myself crazy I would only drive her away more if she feels that energy.

 

This is probably a lot of rambling, I feel nobody truly understand what I'm going through and I thought you people on this forum might.

Edited May 7, 2023 by Eveningwalk

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

  me how more explosive I started to react over time, (I can say terrible things when I am mad and scared.  I assume I calmed her down if she really feared I took the bus right after she broke up with me. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? How did you meet? How often do you see each other in person? 

No contact is for you to reflect and regroup. It's not a tool to get an ex back 

Did you have an issue with anger and verbal abuse? Perhaps it's time to get help with that?

What do you mean by "feared I took the bus" after the breakup?

All you can do is continue to work on yourself and leave her be. She has your contact info.

[Eveningwalk]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? How did you meet? How often do you see each other in person? 

No contact is for you to reflect and regroup. It's not a tool to get an ex back 

Did you have an issue with anger and verbal abuse? Perhaps it's time to get help with that?

What do you mean by "feared I took the bus" after the breakup?

All you can do is continue to work on yourself and leave her be. She has your contact info.

Thank you for readying! She is 22, we met online and rolled into a very good and matching relationship until obviously that shifted. We do talk and video call every day, and we meet each other whenever she is free from school. Usually when we see each other it is around a 3 weeks / a month and during summer 2 months, with occasional long weekends like Easter weekend. She lives in another country, and when my YouTube Short I made on during the bus trip around Easter went online today I think she might had a shock reaction thinking I was on my way now. That could have caused a suffocating feeling, or the feeling that I don't respect her and took the first bus to her place. I hate how that YT Short was scheduled, unfortunately. But better today than next week.

I've read and seen things how no contact can be a time to indeed reflect and work on yourself but also to turn things around when there is contact again. I am hoping for this, I am not ready to let her go like this. If it is meant to be, it will be. I have to believe this in able to push myself to be better.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

She lives in another country, and when my YouTube Short I made on during the bus trip around Easter went online today I think she might had a shock reaction thinking I was on my way now. 

Could you clarify how the video of a bus trip is related to the breakup?  Why are you posting videos of bus trips and how is that related to getting angry/verbally abusive and her blocking you?

Keep in mind distance relationships are very lonely, frustrating and difficult to sustain. There's also communication challenges as well as in this case cultural or language challenges.

Do you primary communicate in her language,  your language or a third language that you both speak, because there seems to be a significant communication problem.

 

Edited May 7, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Eveningwalk]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Could you clarify how the video of a bus trip is related to the breakup? 

Keep in mind distance relationships are very lonely, frustrating and difficult to sustain. There's also communication challenges as well as in this case cultural or language challenges.

Definitely! And we did that so well actually until a breaking point where I think we needed to settle for a break. 

The bus trip is related because I am a YouTuber, I made a video of my bustrip to her place. Since I spread out my content the video went online. Maybe she thought I was on my way or planning to go, whatever she thought that's why she texted me not to come, that it would be a waste. And that's right, it's only been 2 days. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

. Maybe she thought I was on my way or planning to go, whatever she thought that's why she texted me not to come, that it would be a waste. 

It's still unclear why posting video of a bus trip from visiting her would cause a breakup or cause her to believe you were visiting again?

[Eveningwalk]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's still unclear why posting video of a bus trip from visiting her would cause a breakup or cause her to believe you were visiting again?

It didn't cause the breakup. She broke up Friday, the video went online today. So after she removed me everywhere she reached out thisd morning about that saying there is no need to go because she probably thought I was on my way. It was unclear to her it was an old bus trip and something pre-scheduled. 

I just hope it didn't fell completely wrong to her as if it was something from a manipulative or disrespecting place. The video was the last thing on my mind. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

. She broke up Friday, the video went online today. 

What exactly were the reasons she broke up and blocked you? Try to figure out what happened and not worry about the video.

[Eveningwalk]

She couldn't say or point it out. I have a feeling a lot of things overwhelmed her and how our relationship was the last time might have been too much too take and that I fully understand. Day 1 I blamed only myself but a lot of things are also action reaction based. 

Why she blocked me is unclait completely because she did respond on that 1 platform and send an WhatsApp to react to the video. 

Maybe she feared I would bombard her with sad messages, angry messages or maybe she wanted to remove herself the option to contact me as a blockade for herself. 

I hope in time she will reach out. After the messages this morning about the vid, no contact starts now. Because I know reaching out will destroy what is left. That's why I freaked about the vid. 

It will be so so hard, there will be a lot of work and reading but the fight is not over even tho there will be silence. 

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

That's why I freaked about the vid. 

I wouldn't worry about that. She seems to have accepted your clarification that it was a pre-scheduled Short, and that it's something content-creators do. 

2 hours ago, Eveningwalk said:

after the troubling time we have had I do understand she cannot take it anymore

Can you elaborate on this? What troubling time? 

[Eveningwalk]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't worry about that. She seems to have accepted your clarification that it was a pre-scheduled Short, and that it's something content-creators do. 

Can you elaborate on this? What troubling time? 

She has a lot on her mind like the exams, she has a social life, family, and me, and I wanted so much to have a piece of quality time with her as well, that it ended up the last week's as painful time instead because I tried to make myself clear to her, she said to do better but the same behavior repeated itself for a long time. 

With that, I turned into my worst self and I have hurt her with my words when she hurt me with her actions. It's on both of us, that's why I believe in a break, not a breakup and especially not like this. Hope and show her I will leave her at peace to pass her exams is all I can do. If she doesn't reach out, I will at some point in the future. This is no way of life, and it's only been 2 days 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Eveningwalk said:

  more explosive I started to react over time, I can say terrible things when I am mad and scared. There is no excuse and I should have jumped into therapy to work on my part a long time ago

This would be a great time to get into therapy and work on your explosive anger. 

[Eveningwalk]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This would be a great time to get into therapy and work on your explosive anger. 

Definitely. After out fight on Thursday when things calmed down, I decided I wanted to go in therapy to do better. I asked her Thursday night for a short call on Friday and a date night on Saturday, I planned to tell her my decision for therapy on that night.she said she was also looking forward to the date night and short Friday night call. 

 

But hours before the short Friday night call she already send that heartbreaking text. It doesn't rhyme with me. 

She told me she's broken about it also when she responded on the other platform yesterday. There, I didn't respond, because I thought it was best to not steer things up. She's emotional now too, I say painful when she's angry she's allowed to put it for once as well because she never does. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

that's why I believe in a break, not a breakup

I don't agree. When you need a break and you're already in different countries and by definition don't see each other much - the relationship is as good as over. 

Breaks tend to make situations worse, not better. They create other issues and are very difficult to come back from. So while it might now seem like the less painful or scary option, it likely wouldn't have changed the end result here. 

6 minutes ago, Eveningwalk said:

the same behavior repeated itself for a long time. 

This was your sign that she was probably checking out of the relationship for a while now. Long-distance is very hard at the best of times, but when one party starts to lose interest and puts other things first, well, it can't go on. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Eveningwalk said:

Personally I think a break would have been the best thing for both of us.

You are kidding yourself if you think taking a "break" instead of a breakup would have saved the relationship.  "Breaks" don't work and they don't solve anything.  The reality that you are going to have to face is that she didn't want to be with you anymore, and you need to move on.

 

6 hours ago, Eveningwalk said:

I've read and seen things how no contact can be a time to indeed reflect and work on yourself but also to turn things around when there is contact again. I am hoping for this, I am not ready to let her go like this. 

Unfortunately you are kidding yourself again, and grasping at straws here.  No-contact is not a tool for getting your ex back.  No contact is what you need to do to leave your ex alone and move on.  She does not sound interested in reconciling.  You need to come to a place where you accept that and begin to move on.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like the START of an emotionally difficult breakup.

If the other person has truly made a firm decision that they are done with the relationship, then it often doesn't matter how we may feel about it. It's over.

You will need time to adjust to this. It often takes much longer than we like to be "over" someone, but it does happen. Give yourself that time.

You might read up on "the 180". While not perfect, IMO it's a bit of applied cognitive behavioral therapy that can be very helpful in this sort of situation.

Six months to a year can feel like a long time, but life is a marathon, not a sprint and once you've "processed" the breakup, life and relationships get good again. You might be over her sooner than that.

Don't neglect "maintaining yourself" as it will be important that you did that once you're ready to find someone new.