goingforgold Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I never thought this possible but i am actually attracted to a married man. The attraction is becoming more and more intense. I am trying to fight the feeling but I just cant. I have more or less decided that I am going to pursue this man as I feel that he is also attracted to me in the same way. He has made any moves on me as yet, and I havent made any moves on him, I am worried about doing anything to him that may take him out of his comfort zone. We're very comfortable talking and I dont want to make things uneasy between us. He is my Dentist and we have only known each other for a few months. He has done a lot of dental work for me in the last few months and also has been very helpful with my health in general, as I am not well, and he has gone out of his way to help me in anyway he can. Last time I went in to have my teeth done, he didnt do the filling very well, and i didnt have a good bite in my mouth, I called to let him know and he told me to come in on Saturday and he would fix it for me. Then he called me and cancelled it and asked if i could come in Sunday instead, bearing in mind the clinic doesnt operate on Sundays, but he was going to "open up" just for me:) When I made a comment of "U came into work on a Sunday monring just for me" And he responded with "U r a very special patient, I wouldnt do this for anyone else" I did go on Sunday morning as he asked, there was a lot of attraction, loads of smiling and eye contact, he took about 10 mins correcting the error he had made with the filling. But all up we spent an hour together - we chatted about lots of things, where he has travelled, how my health is holding up etc On a Sunday morning being at work when you're not meant to, wouldn't you be in a hurry to get home or out of work as soon as possible, not spending an extra 50 mins or so chatting to a patient. It was relaxed, and i thanked him very much for helping me as much as he did, and i leaned over to hug him, opening my arms before hugging him, so he knew why I was heading for him and he anticipated the hug with opening his arms to welcome me as well. We hugged for a long time, seemed like forever, it was a really tight hug, i couldn't look him in the eye after that, I grabbed my handbag and headed for the door. He always calls on my mobile to see how I am and if I am feeling better. He always tries to make conversation with me and I usually cut him off and say "thanks for your call i better let u go" I know he is married as he wears a wedding band:( I cant fight this attraction - what am i meant to do? How do i make subtle moves without damaging the nice "friendship" we already have. I was thinking of asking him to my place for Xmas drinks and see how he repsonds. If he comes over he is interested right? I am a fair bit younger than him as well. I am guessing at least 15 years younger but could be a bit more. Please dont critisize me, I am confused and need advice, i dont need to be verbally bashed by anyone. Thanks for your input in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I am trying to fight the feeling but I just cant Oh yes you can. You can do anything if you set your mind to it but you are behaving like a spoiled kid - "I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA." You have no right to interject yourself into a marriage that way and it's bogus crap to try to excuse yourself with 'if he comes over, he's interested'. Please dont critisize me, I am confused and need advice The advice is get your nose out of someone else's marriage stat. Grow a few morals. Remember karma; what goes around comes around. You try to steal someone else's love and someday someone you love dearly may be stolen from you. You absolutely can control this and if you're any sort of decent person, you will. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 If he comes over he is interested right? aaahhh yeah Interested in ONE thing. If he is 15 years your senior AND married...then there is only one thing he is interested in. And I think you know what it is. if you do this. Be prepared for a massive fallout of emotions and hurt. I hope you dont go there.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Thumbing - do you really think that?? Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Here's how I read it; Older man in a position of power (i.e. 'healer') looks very good to you right now....seeing as you're in poor health from the sound of things. Happens in psychotherapy all the time, too. Lots of people fall for the authority figure, the one who offers guidance or shows exceptional kindness/compassion. However, 'falling' for someone does not mean you should go ahead and pursue it. You said, "I can't fight this attraction", well then don't. Get yourself another dentist and don't place yourself in a vulnerable position. You want happiness in life? You have to be ruthless about not putting yourself in bad situations. This situation has trouble written all over it. That may not be what you wanted to hear. But I'd spend a long time reading the OW/MM posts to see what degree of misery you're going to save yourself by getting away from this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Outcast....I am not the only one at fault here, i may want him but he is giving off signs that he also wants me to. If he comes to me he knows whats at stake with his marriage, he obviously doesnt care Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I was thinking of asking him to my place for Xmas drinks and see how he repsonds. If he comes over he is interested right? Don't do that. He is married and has a wife. Don't put yourself in a situation where "something" could happen. It's wrong of him to allow anything to happen for two reasons. He's married and also he is YOUR DENTIST! He is crossing a professional line right now and he could lose everything!! Have a read about the OW section, read some threads and see what you're heading for if you allow this to happen. Also, read the infidelity section, read about the pain betrayed spouses go through. If that isn't enough to make you stop and think - Remember this. What good could come of this situation? He won't be your dentist anymore as it's against CODE that he treats you as his patient and also, he will NEVER leave his wife and family for you. Even if now you think it will be nice, casual, fun sex with no string attached, that will change as you fall deeper inlove with him. Get out now while you still can. What you're about to do and well aware of is ruin and hurt many people, yourself included. Take time for you, sort out those feelings and find someone else single who can love just you. Don't you believe that you're worthy of that kind of love? Why be with a MM. You want to share? Again, go read some posts by OW I think you'll change your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 i may want him but he is giving off signs that he also wants me to. If he comes to me he knows whats at stake with his marriage, he obviously doesnt care So, fight those urges. Enjoy his flirting but leave it at that! WHY would you put yourself in that situation? So, he has no self control but YOU DO! I'm not bashing you, I just am trying to open your eyes here so you can see the whole picture. He's not a child, he knows damn well wtf will happen if you take his bait... Outcast is trying to help, as well as everybody else who's taken the time to post on your thread. No attacks here, so don't feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Thumbing - do you really think that?? 15 years older. THink about it. I am 35 and if a 20 year old chick is giving me the look and the nod...I have been married for a long time.....then BOOM attention from a 20 year old. I would be thinking SEX SEX SEX.....but thats me I guess He opened the clinic on a Sunday morning JUST for you. I think he did it so he could be alone with you Dont niave mandy if all you want is sex from the guy....then you as a women better be prepared to keep your emotions in check....but i would really watch your steps. You have no idea the path you are about to embark on.... read the infedelity and OM/OW threads....then choose what you want. Personally I would find someone who is not attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Thanks everyone. I am not trying to sound nasty in anway i am just very emotionally confused and i do appreciate you all taking your own time to reply to my posts. I am sorry I am new here can anyone please tell me what OW stands for and where i can find these posts? Thankyou Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Thanks for your advice thumbing. He really got to me on Sunday when he said that he really admires me with all I have been through with my health and am still optimistic, he also said that he wants to help be part of the solution to my health problems. Maybe he is just being nice and i am taking it the wrong way, but for some reasons i think he is giving off subtle signs of interest. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Thanks for your advice thumbing. He really got to me on Sunday when he said that he really admires me with all I have been through with my health and am still optimistic, he also said that he wants to help be part of the solution to my health problems. Maybe he is just being nice and i am taking it the wrong way, but for some reasons i think he is giving off subtle signs of interest. OM = other man OW = other woman Mandy, Thats how its starts. Thats how it started with my wifes affair too. The other man will play up your emotions by telling yoy things to biuld your confidence. Thats exactly what the OM did to my wife. You are this, your are that, you make me feel so, I think you are this and that. Its quite effective.....men cheat for sex....women cheat for emotional needs. In order for the man to get his sex, he must play up the womans emotional wants and desires. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 8, 2005 Author Share Posted November 8, 2005 It's so hard, i am trying not to think about him. He is affecting the way I think and the way I handle things. I am in a real mess. I crave to see him and hear his voice so bad. I keep replaying his message he left on my answering service, returning my call at 8:30pm on a friday night to see if i was ok. I feel like i am not coping and i am going insane Link to post Share on other sites
BabyJulie Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Aussie-Mandy...babygirl don't go there. This guy sounds sleezy. I know you are going through a hard time when you want one thing and your mind is telling you something else. but think of this, if you engage youself in a relationship such as this--the foundation that your relationship will be built on is dishonesty, deciet and unfaithfullness. --Bad way to start of any relationshp and any relationship built on that is bound to fail. Worry about taking care of yourself and your health right now. If you feel the relationship is wrong resist the urge--it won't kill you it will only make you stronger. If he's a great dentist and you want to continue a patient/dentist relationship--a bit of advise--cut the small talk (but always be polite) have your procedure done and go home. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Outcast....I am not the only one at fault here, i may want him but he is giving off signs that he also wants me to. If he comes to me he knows whats at stake with his marriage, he obviously doesnt care Sorry this is bogus. Your morality should not depend on someone else's. Either you are an honourable person or you are not. You are headed down a road which will lead to misery and sorrow. You are clearly naive and starry-eyed. Guess what - a man being interested in you is no big deal. Men want sex and know if they act interested they can get it - particularly when a young and inexperienced woman is involved. You can try to fool yourself that he's some romantic hero (oh yeah - one who'd walk out on a woman he definitely told he loved many times) but that would be stupid. Delete the message and get another dentist. You will regret this if you continue. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Maybe he gave you too much nitrous oxide. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 @ west. Just when it was starting to get too intense...! Okay, mandy - you said: I am not the only one at fault here, i may want him but he is giving off signs that he also wants me to. If he comes to me he knows whats at stake with his marriage, he obviously doesnt care. You're right - which doesn't make him sound like such a swell guy, does it? Mandy, it sounds to me like you're worried about your health and here's an older man who makes you feel like he can take care of you and make you feel better emotionally and physically. But it's a bandaid for whatever pain you really feel: he's not going to fix your hurts, he's just going to cause more. I'm reading this as, you're working hard to convince yourself you're "falling for him" because you really want someone to lean on who will also give you some drama/excitement. Assuming you need/want to have someone in your life to fulfill that role right now, is this really the only man you can find who will do that for you? Link to post Share on other sites
LilChicki Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 Ok this is just a shot in the dark here....but does Mandy just sound a TAD obsessed with this guy?? I mean has he ASKED her if she wants to do anything? No she ASSUMES he does because of his caring attitude. He may be like this with ALL his patients. It doesn't mean he intends to have sex with her! Some doctors just have a very calming and soothing manner. Me thinks Doccy has himself a little problem.... Mandy. Until this Dentist openly SAYS he is attracted to you, don't assume anything. Furthermore..it is VERY unethical of him to be acting that way if he IS interested in you. Chnge Dentists if this happens..because that just makes him a cheating unethical sleazeball. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 8, 2005 Share Posted November 8, 2005 because that just makes him a cheating unethical sleazeball. In other words, a real catch Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 Hmmm, he called last night on mobile again at 9:00pm to find out if i am ok and to tell me that he was spending quite a few nights a week until heaps late on the internet trying to find a solution to my health problems. I am also needle phobic and he arranged a blood test for me that my doctor wanted while i was having the fillings done under IV, he told me he asked the doc if it was ok to also send him a copy of the blood test. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 I wrote him a xmas card last night, i am not going to give it to him, i just felt the need to write it Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 I think for me the biggest "hurdle" is knowing if he likes me or am i reading "the signs" wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 mandy, there are two possibilities that I see in this situation: 1. He's very empathetic and helpful and has no alterior motives. 2. He's a sleazebag looking for an affair. If it's option 1, you're tricking yourself into thinking this man has feelings for you when he may very well just think of you as a daughter. If it's option 2, you're deluding yourself if you think you're not going to end up with your heart broken and also help break the heart of his wife (and children if he has them). I hope by now you've read the OW/Infidelity threads to see how much pain affairs cause to all parties involved, and how nearly all of them started out with the man offering the OW kind words and warm fuzzy feelings of love... just like your doc. Either way, you're getting support and help from him that you might not get if you switched dentists, right? So it's understandable that you might hesitate to do so. But if it's like you say and you can't get him out of your head, etc. (whether he's interested in you or not), you really ought to cease contact with him as much as possible until you've got this infatuation under control. Please put yourself in his wife's shoes next time you think about whether or not he's interested in you and consider how devastated you'd be if he pledged his undying love to you... but was screwing around with some girl behind your back. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 I don't care how hot the guy is; if he's wearing a wedding band, it's the most radical turn off for me That ring is worse than a bucket of cold water being thrown in my face. Well, that's how it should be to everybody ... in a perfect world where people don't ruin each other's marriages You know exactly what you'd be getting into. You do have the choice. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted November 9, 2005 Share Posted November 9, 2005 I am curious... Do you have some bizarre or very obscure health concern that would have a dentist spending 'heaps of time' doing research? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts