I am falling for my married dentist - please help!

[Touche]

I promised myself I wouldn't post on this forum anymore (but that's another story) but I can't help but comment on something Mandy said. She said she doesn't mind being last priority. Now, see that's the part that I don't get. Anyone who enters into these kinds of relationships CHOOSES to be last priority.

 

Now granted, sometimes one enters into a relationship with someone single and that's what ends up happening anyway. I mean there are NEVER any guarantees but what I don't get is why anyone would enter into a relationship where all the cards are stacked against you and your odds of EVER being a number one priority in that person's life is almost nil.

 

I guess I'm too selfish or think I'm too good to be anything BUT a number one priority in a man's life. I can't relate to people who don't care. I mean Mandy said she didn't care if she was the LAST priority. That's very sad to me. Why don't you care? What makes it so worth it?

 

Why don't you start the new year out by shifting your attitude about yourself? I mean I'd rather have NO ONE than be involved with someone who just views me as something on the side. And as long as these MM are still in a marriage (no matter what they tell you) you ARE something on the side. I don't care if they never see their wives, don't talk to them on the phone, don't have sex with them, etc. Doesn't matter.

 

The bottom line is they are not free. They are taken. For whatever the reason(s), they can't or won't give themselves wholly to you. I can't understand wanting that.

 

Set your goals and sights higher for the New Year. Value yourself more. Aren't you worth more? Aren't you REALLY better off alone and available to find the right man for yourself?

 

Tell him you're sorry..that you think he's wonderful and he's the type of guy you would date IF he were single. Tell him that you want the whole package, not scraps. Don't devalue yourself.

[Outcast]

I can understand thw whole Xmas thing but he could've at least called to say thanks for getting me a chrissy pressie.

 

Not gonna happen. He's not your romantic hero. He wants to screw you, not have a relationship with you. You expect him to behave like a boyfriend. He won't. He's got a wife. He's got a relationship. You are just booty on the side, and, from the sounds of it, one of several 'booty on the side' options he has.

 

When you wrote him saying you wanted to be friends, you shut off his options for sex with you. Since that's all he wants, he's not interested any longer.

 

Are you ever going to wise up and figure out that he is never going to be your Prince Charming? You've fallen in love with a toad, thinking he's a frog who'll turn princely. All he'll do is give you warts.

[Treacle]

Are you ever going to wise up and figure out that he is never going to be your Prince Charming? You've fallen in love with a toad, thinking he's a frog who'll turn princely. All he'll do is give you warts.

 

 

That is funny

 

 

I am a new member here, and boy is this a long thread. I'm only up to page 21 now, with a few breaks, need another one.

 

I agree with what most of what the others say, need to get out before you get hurt.

 

But i also understand where mandy is cominng from as i am fightingfeelings for this MM and and trying to limit contact with him, and as much as i want to go and see him i know its the best thing to do.

 

And there are similarities between what's been going on with Mandy and this MM, and my own little predicament.

 

The one thing that concerns me he is not just a dentist but a professional person, he could easily get struck off if it was found out what you were doing with each other.

[newbby]

touche',

actually some people find these relationships easier because they have things like cp.

 

mandy after reading o's post something just occurred to me, and it is something that is quite common to relationships with mm. he is punishing you for not wanting to have sex with him, by the sounds of things, he is making you suffer until you agree to his rules. you wait and see (and you will have to wait), til you feel so bad that you start trying to please him, and of course only one thing will please him. it is called losing control, and you are doing it by even thinking about it at all. he is manipulating you, and he is in control.

[Treacle]

meant to say (i don't know how to edit posts) that not only is he a MM but a dentist too who has to have a good reputation who is a professional person supposedly

[Touche]

touche',

actually some people find these relationships easier because they have things like cp.

 

mandy after reading o's post something just occurred to me, and it is something that is quite common to relationships with mm. he is punishing you for not wanting to have sex with him, by the sounds of things, he is making you suffer until you agree to his rules. you wait and see (and you will have to wait), til you feel so bad that you start trying to please him, and of course only one thing will please him. it is called losing control, and you are doing it by even thinking about it at all. he is manipulating you, and he is in control.

 

I have no idea what CP is but I can't believe that anyone could find this kind of relationship "easier." Is CP some kind of disorder of the brain?

[Outcast]

Oh no!!!! The dreaded Commitment Phobia!!! Heaven protect us and our families from this scourge!!!

 

Give me a flippin' break. That's one of the sadder (as in 'pathetic' sad not 'heart-wrenching' sad) little whines I've ever seen.

[newbby]

outcast,

it was neither an excuse or a whine, i was simply saying that some people find these relationships easier, in response to touche's question asking why people put up with a relationship where they come last.

do you want to have a real discussion or are you just upset because you cant make me grovel?

[Touche]

Ok, thanks for clearing that up...so I was right. It IS some kind of brain disfunction.

[newbby]

Ok' date=' thanks for clearing that up...so I was right. It IS some kind of brain disfunction.[/quote']

 

 

touche'.........

[Touche]

New, I thought you were going to get mad at that one! Well, you're right though. It DOES answer my question and for some it's probably true. But I don't think it's true of most people who get involved. Probably true of the HOW's though, right?

[newbby]

i have quite often seen ow in here who come out of abusive relationships etc and into relationships with mm, it makes sense if you dont have any brain dysfunction...

[Touche]

I guess, I can see that...yes. I mean, of course it's not right, but I can see why a woman would CHOOSE that kind of relationship under those circumstances. Of course in the end though, it will only make them feel worse, in my opinion, but I can understand the feeling of power they may get (at first) by choosing such a relationship.

 

I'm just kind of surprised at how many really DO choose this kind of relationship. Like Mandy, walking into it with her eyes wide open.

[newbby]

I guess, I can see that...yes. I mean, of course it's not right, but I can see why a woman would CHOOSE that kind of relationship under those circumstances. Of course in the end though, it will only make them feel worse, in my opinion, but I can understand the feeling of power they may get (at first) by choosing such a relationship.

 

I'm just kind of surprised at how many really DO choose this kind of relationship. Like Mandy, walking into it with her eyes wide open.

 

power?

thats strange.

i was thinking more that they are scared of being physically abused, and feeling trapped by the fear of such relationships, leading to a subconcious cp, and leading to loneliness which makes them easy prey for mm, and then of course finding the relationship more comfortable than one which makes them feel trapped and getting caught up in it.

i have seen it happen often and that is my take on it. it makes sense to me. i dont know about power, or how one would feel power in such a relationship, i suppose you are thinking of stereotype ow likes stealing things because it makes her feel powerful??? i dont know, you have confused me there.

[crazy_grl]

I'm just kind of surprised at how many really DO choose this kind of relationship. Like Mandy, walking into it with her eyes wide open.

 

In Mandy's case, I get the impression that that's not the case at all. It seems like we're all trying to pry her eyes open for her own good, but she's holding them shut as tight as possible. ie she's in denial, thinking she'll eventually be important to him. This is because her words (I don't care if I come last) have consistently not matched her actions (waiting around worrying about his response to her letter... clearly being bothered when presented with the evidence that she does come last).

 

Based on her reaction to his not answering and the length of it, I also have a feeling that this 5 page "friends" letter was just some type of ploy to get his attention while trying to keep up the appearance that she was not caving, when in fact she really was.

[newbby]

yes crazy grl, i agree. i also think he has got her well and truly where he wanted her. she is in denial, love is blind, it happens to lots of people. the dentist is a manipulator and mandy has fallen for him. how many a**h***s has any other woman fallen for? it happens all the time, to all of us.

[Sami_D]

i have quite often seen ow in here who come out of abusive relationships etc and into relationships with mm, it makes sense if you dont have any brain dysfunction...

 

Certainly not wanting a commitment with anyone after a bad relationship was how I drifted into friendship... then the rest, with my MM.

 

I don't just think that it's people with a phobia about commitment who can drift into affairs in that way, though. I think that innocent friendships that get too deep can happen to anyone who's 'not looking'. Those who aren't looking can fool themselves about their motives and end up up to their neck before they've noticed how close they've got to someone.

 

From the HOW stories that I've read, I would say that quite a few of them have no intention of committing to any man. The majority of those have been women who have already been married and had children with one man and don't want to spoil a good R

 

I think that if you have a phobia for commitment, you don't necessarily know about it... and so rather than becoming a HOW you could end up being very unhappy in an A... That's the nature of those things... you make yourself unhappy because (unconsciously) you think you don't deserve any better. Anyway... I don't really think any of this applies to Mandy...

[Sami_D]

power?

thats strange.

i was thinking more that they are scared of being physically abused, and feeling trapped by the fear of such relationships, leading to a subconcious cp, and leading to loneliness which makes them easy prey for mm, and then of course finding the relationship more comfortable than one which makes them feel trapped and getting caught up in it.

i have seen it happen often and that is my take on it. it makes sense to me. i dont know about power, or how one would feel power in such a relationship, i suppose you are thinking of stereotype ow likes stealing things because it makes her feel powerful??? i dont know, you have confused me there.

 

Well it's a bit dangerous to over-analyse these things, but. The fear resulting from having been in an abusive R is (from my perspective) the fear that someone is going to lie to you and drag you into his mess of pretense that he cares for you when the entire time you're despised by the person who is claiming to love you. Actually being physically attacked is the least of it. It's the twisting of reality so you don't know what is up and what is down that does the real damage.

 

When you talk about being comfortable in a R with a MM because it doesn't make you feel trapped... from reading here I can't think of any R in which people express more feelings of being trapped and without control.

 

Reading these last few posts, there is a lot of subjectivity coming in... Touche talking about OW's feelings of power, and newbby talking about MM 'preying' on women. These factors may be important in individual affairs, but they're somewhat opposed, and they may not be very important in many relationships.

[newbby]

sami, i was offering an example of one scenario in which a woman might feel more comfortable in this type of relationship, i certainly was not saying ALL these relationships happen like this. also even all abusive relationships ARE different sami. sometimes people fear being lied to and sometimes people fear being trapped with no escape, if they were very fearful of the partner.

i think the trap you are thinking of with the mm wasnt the trap i was describing. there is certainly no fear of him committing to you, he is already committed to somebody else. so there is no committment trap there. you are talking about feeling trapped by ones own emotions, which is a whole different thing, and only requires yourself to free you.

[newbby]

and sami, alot of mm prey on vulnerable women. maybe not intentionally, and maybe i should not use those words, but alot do seem to heavily pursue the young, ill, unconfident or depressed women. look at mandy. knight in shining armour being kind to the young girl with needle phobias and illnesses, no other dentist will treat her, its easy for him to play mr i have so much time for you. or maybe it is just that these women are more likely to draw a shaky line. i dont know, and i also dont know that you are far enough out of your own situation to really be seeing it clearly. i am sure that sometimes the whole thing starts with real feelings etc, but i think alot are a combination of both things.

[newbby]

and another thing. i am not speaking from personal experience on ANY of these things. maybe here and there, bits of, but i have hung around here for a long time and read alot of stories and got to know very well alot of ow. i speak to many regularly and in depth.

[Sami_D]

and sami, alot of mm prey on vulnerable women. maybe not intentionally, and maybe i should not use those words, but alot do seem to heavily pursue the young, ill, unconfident or depressed women. look at mandy. knight in shining armour being kind to the young girl with needle phobias and illnesses, no other dentist will treat her, its easy for him to play mr i have so much time for you. or maybe it is just that these women are more likely to draw a shaky line. i dont know, and i also dont know that you are far enough out of your own situation to really be seeing it clearly. i am sure that sometimes the whole thing starts with real feelings etc, but i think alot are a combination of both things.

 

I have no doubt that MM and 'vulnerable' OW make up a lot of the statistics for affairs (and as you point out, the MM preying on vulnerable OW might not be the best way to put it). I wasn't arguing that that never happens. I was taking the idea of commitment phobias and vulnerability and past abuse and looking at it from some different angles.

 

I'm not sure which situation it is that you suggest I'm not far enough out of to be able to view clearly? I hope I don't come across as someone who believes they know everything about their own mind and motivations, but I would say that I have a pretty good idea about myself. While sometimes it might seem as clear as day that someone is suffering from some character defect or another, but I'm not sure that trying to psycho-analyse strangers based on opinions they're expressing on a forum is a good idea. You might just annoy them

[newbby]

i am not psycho analysing you at all, so you can stop being annoyed. i am saying that whilst in a situation, it is not always easy to see it clearly. could you sum up your whole relationship now? maybe you can, you are rare then.

[MJTig]

My fiancee is a soon to be dentist and his dad is one. His dad has opened up the practice to a patient in pain before, and is always nice and friendly- but never intends to go further than friendliness. My fiancee is a natural flirt, as am I, but would never go farther than teasing.

 

The hug was crossing the line, because as a professional he should not hug any client for fear that it comes off as ytou are seeing it (and if another woman was not looking for that attention would be angry).

 

Leave him alone. This is a crush, and infatuation, and you are all a flutter from the attention that maybe you are not getting elsewhere right now. You are not going to get all your fairy tales to come true. Even if he did have an attraction to you, it doesn't mean its for a relationship.

 

And I echo the idea that you are infatuated because he is an older man with the power to make you feel better.

[whichwayisup]

Even if he did have an attraction to you, it doesn't mean its for a relationship.

 

That is so true. People become attracted to others at times, doesn't mean one has to act upon that urge.

 

And I echo the idea that you are infatuated because he is an older man with the power to make you feel better.

 

I agree too! Excellent point. Though the dentist DOES enjoy how he makes her feel. Give him MORE power, more thrill than just the drill. (Sorry, I couldn't resist!)