mopar crazy Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Mandy, first I don't want you to think that I agree w/ what your doing, b/c I don't. I have been on both sides of the fence, a BW and an OW. I wasn't an OW to a MM but to a man in a CR (he M her shorlty after we ended it). Your MM sounds so familiar to the man I was involved w/. He only wants to speak to you when it's convienance for him and w/ the holidays, it wasn't convienant. He was probably w/ his family and probably his in-laws and/or his parents so it wasn't convienant for him to take your calls. I understand what you are saying about wanting to find out what will become of this on your own. We all can tell you till we are blue in the face not to get involved w/ this MM and stay away from him but you're not going to listen to us. Sometimes it just takes finding out for yourself whether than hearing from a message board how hurt your gonna be if you continue. You're still young, and so is this "friend" of yours that keeps telling you to persue him. You still have a lot of life lessons to learn, and maybe this is just one way to teach you that it's not ok to persue a MM. I would hate for the W and the children to get hurt just so you can learn a valuable lesson though. And that is exactly what is going to happen, the W will find out and the world as she knows it is going to change and be turned upside down. I was wrong for being involved w/ a man in a CR and maybe karma came back 15 years later and bit me in the a$$ when my own H had an A . Who knows. All I know is that it was wrong and I regret it. I wish I would of been so stupid and would of stopped persuing him when I found out he was in a CR. I was already in love, already had a sexual relationship w/ this man when I found out about his finacee. I should of stopped then and told him I could no longer be involved w/ him. But he made it sound like she knew about me and didn't care (like they had an open relationship, HA!). God I was so young, so naive, and I probably really hurt his GF. Can't beleive she M him anyhow. I was so selfish not thinking about how she would feel. But I was young, didn't care, as long as I got what I wanted and that was him. If you continue to persue this man nothing good will come from it, but I guess you need to find that out on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Mandy...haven't talked to you in a while. I was catching up on this thread and I have to tell you...I wish so much that you would not have called him for coffee. I am the worlds worst about following my feelings and calling when I say I'm not going to do it, etc. BUT..in this case, I think you should wait until HE calls you. Please don't make yourself so available. If you are determined (and you do have a mind of your own) to persue this, then you absolutely MUST not look desperate. Please let him call you next. He obviously was not going to call you. People are busy during the holidays but I think everyone can have at least a minute to themselves to make a private phone call if they so desired. I really, really believe that you should play this cool from now on. Even though he is polite and courteous on the phone, he really only wants something from you and I am guessing that it is not a long-term relationship or he would be much more considerate of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 It was on another thread that Mandy gave some advice where she said that she felt that a man that cheats on his SO doesn't love her.. Mandy... I ask you this question.. Well if a MM is not with you ( The OW ) and he is with someone else is he also cheating on you ? Even if the relationship is in the open it is cheating on all sides.. so if you take your own advice then your MM doesn't love you because he is cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 True. I mean he's already demonstrated that he has absolutely no respect for her. I'm not sure what it's going to take for her to fully see this. How about a dose of self-respect? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 You're right Jen about the self-respect. But I've found, in my life at least, that self-respect came with maturity and experience. She obviously has not acquired it yet. Also, with respect to this business about not listening to advice. Speaking for myself I wouldn't listen to anyone's advice when I was younger. If it was something I really wanted to do, I'd do it. Now, I really do listen to other people's experiences and advice. I value advice from people who have been through situations that are similar to mine. But when I was younger, I poo pooed advice for the most part. I'd tell myself that I'm different. It's going to go differently for me. What do they know? They don't really know me or my situation. And then I'd dive into whatever mistake I was diving into at the time. We can't MAKE Mandy or anyone else listen. She has that twenty-something mentality that a lot of us have had. Well, when the shyt hits the fan, there will be plenty of women here to help boost her back up and help her pick up the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 True. Most people only learn by making their own mistakes. It's more painful, but the lesson usually sticks better. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Sometimes we have to let people make their own mistakes. One thing is for sure, it definately helps them to learn. We (most of us) have warned her about this and she still wants to go ahead. I feel for Mandy because I understand how she feels and that is why I hope and pray that she does not do anything foolish. She is a young spirit and will bounce back very fast. My experience with my MM is good, so I don't have the right to tell her that it will be terribal for her. I just don't recommend the whole situation to someone that is not emotionally stable enough to handle it. It is the toughest thing I've ever tried to do and if I had it to do over again...I don't know that I would do things the same. If I knew then what I know now...who knows, I may have made a lot of changes in my life first, which would have been the smart thing to do. That is the thing about love, it makes you blind and completely crazy!! Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 My experience with my MM is good, so I don't have the right to tell her that it will be terribal for her. There is nothing good about having an affair with a married person. NOTHING. You are in massive denial. Believing that you are the exception to the rule, and rules don't apply to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Once again...you are not listening. That is NOT what I said or meant. I said my situation was good...good for ME and HIM...not necessarily anyone else. I never said that it was the right thing to do...I just said IT HAPPENS!!! Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Exception to WHAT rule??? Do you have a rule book? Adultry has been going on since the beginning of time. It is not a good thing, never said that it was a good thing. I said my situation was good. The "rules" have never been explained to me. And once again...you don't understand the situation on my end, so you don't have any way of knowing what is right and what is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 newby - if you would like to continue posting thats great, if not thats also great. I welcome everyone's views and opinons but it doesnt mean i have to agree with them. And just to get the record straight, i havent got anyone on ignore, i read all the posts. scarlet - how how u been?? Got myself in a really icky situation havent i? We have arranged to meet for coffee tonight. I am really nervous, i dont know what to say or how to act. I am just going to be "friendly" and see where it goes from there. When i called this morning to let him know when and where he was @ work and not answering his phone, but he called back within half hour and said "whats up?" and i told him where to meet and he said "cool, see you there" and that was it. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 We have arranged to meet for coffee tonight. I am really nervous, i dont know what to say or how to act. I am just going to be "friendly" and see where it goes from there. Coffee? Oh, how lovely. Will he bringing his WIFE with him? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Well Mandy, if I were I would take that opportunity to end it with him. I know you have NO intention of doing so, but hey, you have to do what you have to do...Let it play out as it will. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 jen - i hope not, if i see him approaching with her, i will be gone out the back door. wwiu - thankyou. To be honest i am not sure what i am going to do, i might chat to him about what he wants from all this and why he even agreed to coffee and see what he says. I am kind of guessing from what everyone has said here that i am not going to get the truth out of him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Don't trust every word that comes out of his mouth, even if he's all NICE. I'm telling you, there is NO excuse from him not to have called or emailed you over the holiday season, except to give you the hint he's not into you. Those actions of him not contacting you said ALOT. So, don't fall for any of his lines! Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 wwiu - i might question why he never called and if he gives me that "i was busy" line i might just bring it up that we are all busy but we can spare a couple mins to call/text someone that means something to us. See how he takes that Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 All I can say is, expect the worst, hope for the best. I just don't see him pouring his heart out to you and allowing this situation to continue. I would though, bring up the 5 page letter. PUT him on the spot and get some answers. To keep yourself grounded, remember this the man who DID NOT say thanks, did NOT call you, did NOT acknowledge you over the holidays. So, really try your best NOT to fall for any of his crap if he goes that route. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 wwiu - thanks for reminding me, i will keep it in mind and i will bring it up. I think he deserves to be put on the spot. If he is a very good liar it might not bother him and he will work his way out of it Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 wwiu - thanks for reminding me, i will keep it in mind and i will bring it up. I think he deserves to be put on the spot. If he is a very good liar it might not bother him and he will work his way out of it Please be also very careful NOT to do anything you might regret out of fear of losing him. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Please be also very careful NOT to do anything you might regret out of fear of losing him. How can she lose what's not her's to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 How can she lose what's not her's to begin with? Wow, that was helpful advice.. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 How can she lose what's not her's to begin with? I cannot pretend that I am not a little shocked with the way one must watch *every single word* he/she says in a forum like this. Are all american people like this? I am serious, it is really frustrating having to rephrase every single thought, knowing that people will not care wheter you are actually trying to give advice to someone because they will be too busy ripping apart your sentences and turning against you any single word you use. I am seriously wondering whether you genuinely misunderstood what I meant or you are just nitpicking my use of english vocabulary just for the fun of it. You sound like a nice person, so I shall assume the former. **Of course** he does not belong to her. I thought it was _obvious_ that I did not mean that he is "hers" in any way or has the slightest obligation to her. Anyway, I apologize for my bad use of english vocabulary. English is not my first language. What I meant is: please, Aussie-Mandy, do not do ANYTHING you might regret just because you are worried that you might never hear from him again or that he'll disappear from your life if you don't agree to anything he has asked you to do. I _mean_ it. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I cannot pretend that I am not a little shocked with the way one must watch *every single word* he/she says in a forum like this. Are all american people like this? I am serious, it is really frustrating having to rephrase every single thought, knowing that people will not care wheter you are actually trying to give advice to someone because they will be too busy ripping apart your sentences and turning against you any single word you use. I am seriously wondering whether you genuinely misunderstood what I meant or you are just nitpicking my use of english vocabulary just for the fun of it. You sound like a nice person, so I shall assume the former. **Of course** he does not belong to her. I thought it was _obvious_ that I did not mean that he is "hers" in any way or has the slightest obligation to her. Anyway, I apologize for my bad use of english vocabulary. English is not my first language. What I meant is: please, Aussie-Mandy, do not do ANYTHING you might regret just because you are worried that you might never hear from him again or that he'll disappear from your life if you don't agree to anything he has asked you to do. I _mean_ it. No, not all American people are like this. She's just nitpicks. And for some reason, only comes into this forum to make nasty comments. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Adunaphel, please don't take offense. I wasn't directing my post at you at all. My point was to AussieM, in case she does start to think about "losing" him. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Adunaphel, please don't take offense. I wasn't directing my post at you at all. My point was to AussieM, in case she does start to think about "losing" him. Thank you for saying that. No offence taken, I should instead apologize for overreacting. Unfortunately, people in situation similar to mandy's, and to mine, will often end up deluding themselves that to "have" the previlege (haha) to be "a piece of ass on the side" for the MM they are infatuated with is better than nothing if it is all they can get. Sad. Scary. but not so infrequent. I'd rather she spared herself to end up in a situation similar to the one I got myself in not even a week ago, but she's heading happily towards it. Link to post Share on other sites
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