newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 i suppose because the understanding is, that the ow is already killing herself with guilt. it is not just in the ow forum, its in other forums too like infidelity, someone is in agonising guilt and come somewhere safe to seek advice and then get attacked. this may be the only place people have. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 i suppose because the understanding is, that the ow is already killing herself with guilt. it is not just in the ow forum, its in other forums too like infidelity, someone is in agonising guilt and come somewhere safe to seek advice and then get attacked. this may be the only place people have. From what I've seen on the forum, some feel guilty, some don't. I just can't see why Outcast's advice would have been perceived as an attack. To me, she was just saying something along the lines of "read through these threads and see the problems that seem to arise time and time again in these situations - and take some warning from them." I can appreciate that each person wants their situation to be looked at in its own right, and without the assumption that theirs is identical to other people's experiences. On the other hand, when I think of my own "heartsink" relationship (eg on off, long distance at times) I got so bogged down in analysing the unique specifics that made it feel special that I somehow blinded myself the many ways in which it resembled all those other long distance on/off relationships that were (from the perspective of an objective onlooker) doomed from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 i suppose because the understanding is, that the ow is already killing herself with guilt. it is not just in the ow forum, its in other forums too like infidelity, someone is in agonising guilt and come somewhere safe to seek advice and then get attacked. this may be the only place people have. Understanding? No newby that is the perspective you hold . Did AussieMandy seem when this post began to be " killing herself with guilt".I think not. I have seen people attacked , but I also see a lot of great "no nosense" advice ( esp. from Outcast) get ignored b/c the poster wants to continue to be selfish , and harmful to themselves (this is their choice) . If you only want to continue doing what you want to do ,and dont want to get advice from a diff . perspective why in the world would you post a question on the internet? Its okay not to agree with someone else , just b/c you opinions are differing does not mean that a person is attacking you. If you come to the OW , OM forum and ask a question you will get lots of advice , ad sometimes it may not be what you want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 outcasts advice was fine, it was the little comment about those that ignore warnings bug her, and she will be there to say i told you so. i just thought it was rather strange behaviour coming from someone who just considers herself to be truly emphatic. i also like arguing with outcast when i am feeling crabby and i wont be here for much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 i think its clear that sami is having alot of problems with the whole situation tinktronik, the advice was directed at sami not aussie mandy. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 i think its clear that sami is having alot of problems with the whole situation tinktronik, the advice was directed at sami not aussie mandy. How different is AussieMandys situation from Samis really ? Or any other affair on here ? Woman gets involved with married man , man hides this from his family , continues to do so .....you finish this story . Sami , Ive been following your story for a while and have not added to it , but Ive watched it.It sounds as if you love your MM.Im sorry if your hurt , but your a big girl and can and will make your own descisions in this matter. Some OW are simply more likable in print than others.Does this mean the situation that has played over and over again will have a different outcome? Not likely , but possibly. Sometimes affairs do end differently.My grandpa married his affair ( but only after his wife had died , and his affair lasted 30 years before it became something else) so yeah it happens. Just b/c Sami is likeable , does this mean everyone should only say what she wants to hear ? Someone who would not tell her to do something good for herself would not have her best interest in heart and is NOT her friend.So Outcast continues to tell her "girl .....take your hands from the front of your face so you can SEE. You dident see last time make sure your looking this time." This is a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 outcasts advice was fine, it was the little comment about those that ignore warnings bug her, and she will be there to say i told you so. i just thought it was rather strange behaviour coming from someone who just considers herself to be truly emphatic. Where in the definition of empathy does it say that being empathetic must not create discomfort? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 it doesnt craig, you are correct. btw, you seem like a nice young man. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 it doesn't craig, you are correct. btw, you seem like a nice young man."seem" So, what specifically about outcast's remark represents strange behavior? Enlighten me. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 I agree that Craig seems very nice, upfront and genuine in his perspective. I appreciate that in a man or a woman. Let's remember who started THIS post as you all should consider posting a new one if you want to argue back and forth instead of helping Mandy (and others) .... Mandy has not posted for several days and I hope she hasn't slipped away. We all have to hear things we don't want to admit to ourselves, and that is why this forum is useful. Enough of the bickering girls.... and get back to the matter at hand! Otherwise Mandy is going down. I also appreciate that you all helped me to reconsider a situation I should have been thinking about! See, so the words we don't always want to hear can be helpful to keep us ALL on the right track! PS Is Craig married? Just wondering.... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 hands off cal gal, i saw him first. do you really want to talk about outcast craig? Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 No newby I believe he wants to talk to me .... anyway WHERE'S Mandy?????? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 who cares about mandy, me an craig are at the start of something beautiful Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 seriously though, i think mandy decided to see if the dentist was her soul mate. she will be back. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Alright Craig fess up - where do you live?????? he he Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 This thread is one of the best I've seen on LS regarding the pre-affair stage. Mandy has received some of the best advice in the world on avoiding pain and while she seems to acknowledge the advice she still seems to fall into the trap of believing that "maybe this time will be different." Many posters can see that the Dentist is a player, a cheater, with a history and Mandy is in for a world of hurt if she continues with him. Some posters have predicted what he will do next. Yet Mandy, the rebel without a cause, persists in digging herself into a deeper hole. Sometimes it is necessary for people to be the recipient of a short sharp shock to, in essence wake up to what is. Some posters have tried that approach with Mandy. To me, support does not always mean "pleasant" sometimes support is painful and causes pain but out of that pain good outcomes can be had. Pain does not mean that the supporter can not feel "joy" while supporting someone (even though the supporter and the one supported might be in pain.) Empathy requires a little more brain power for me than support but empathy, to me does not mean restricting my comments to those that are sugar coated. Craig is a survivor of domestic violence in a marriage, is currently recovering from that experience and is off the market. Thank you for your kind words. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 nobody is talking about sugar. support without judgement is what i was talking about. i dont know how many people like to listen to those who judge them harshly. but in most of what you are all saying you are correct, even outcast, bless her cotton socks, and i am incorrect. i am waiting for my membership to end and having a little chat is all. craig i am sorry to hear about your domestic violence and even sorrier to hear that you are unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Memberships don't end. You can post here forever I really liked the stuff you wrote in my empathy thread. Just sorry you seem bent on seeing what I write as 'judgmental'. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Domestic violence? Golly I am sorry for that and would like to know a bit about what happened. I just finished with a 20 yr marriage where my hubby provided me with a wonderful life except he verbally was abusive and extremely demanding and he couldn't keep his pants on! I never once thought about betraying him in any regard. I feel sad that it is over because I always thought I would be Married forever. The other part that is extremely hard is the no sex - I was used to it with him once or twice a day - and I do miss it. Damn life isn't fair sometimes. It's hard not being the other half of someone after that many years.... : ( Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Memberships don't end. You can post here forever I really liked the stuff you wrote in my empathy thread. Just sorry you seem bent on seeing what I write as 'judgmental'. dang, and i thought my 7 month membership was up. outcast i like lots of stuff you write too, just sorry you see me as selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 cal gal, didnt you hear the man? he said he was unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Newbby - glad to see you two are trying to be civil.... as far as Craig - I never propositioned him - just acknowleging his violence and feeling empathy for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 I don't see you as selfish. I think you're maybe trying to block out the knowledge that you probably hurt someone as a coping strategy. Doesn't make you 'selfish' or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Newbby - glad to see you two are trying to be civil.... as far as Craig - I never propositioned him - just acknowleging his violence and feeling empathy for him. I don't see you as selfish. I think you're maybe trying to block out the knowledge that you probably hurt someone as a coping strategy. Doesn't make you 'selfish' or bad. whilst i am not proud of it, i dont blame myself either. nobody actually got hurt in this case either. if they had i am sure i would be in a terrible state about it, its true. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 Wasent there a post recently about passive agressive people and how to deal with them? Link to post Share on other sites
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