Outcast Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 It doesn't matter if he 'likes' you. He's somebody else's husband. There are plenty of married men who have 'liked' other women enough to have affairs but it's not enough to have half a relationship with a man who also 'likes' someone else. What you can be sure of is that his wife comes first in his affections and you will never replace her. So stop with this longing, and whining and moaning about the guy. Did you ever read the threads by the other women and all the pain they go through? I bet you didn't because you want to live in some airy dream that you will be different, that he's some romantic hero who will sweep you away in a cloud of love and joy. EVERY OW thinks that. Every single one. And every one is left in a puddle of her own tears aching with misery. Is this the life you want? Now rather than moan and pine for this MARRIED MAN, read the OW threads and face reality. You're not a little girl, you're not Cinderalla, and he's not the Prince. Time to live in the real world. And as for your friend, if she truly thinks that people shouldn't go after married men, then she wants you to do so so she can feel superior to you. She wants to be able to rub your nose in your own misery. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Just remember, when it comes crashing down - you weren't a victim of that broken heart, you were a willing volunteer for it. Welcome to the roller coaster - make yourself comfy... hopefully you'll have enough sense to get off before it actually gets started. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 her theory is you cantt fight destiny. my friend doesnt seem concerned that he's married, she always says that personally she wouldnt go for a married man, but since she's pushing me to go for it, i think the "i wont go for a married man" is just a cover up. She also encourages me to call him and listen to his voice, when we're on the phone she always says, where's your cell phone, call him, come on i know you want to. Gosh i sound like an idiot No, you don't. Your toxic friend does, though. Why is she egging you on like this? It sounds an awful lot like she wants to live vicariously through this turmoil in your life. This has nothing to do with destiny. Destiny doesn't have a stake in this: you do. You can make a choice here. As for her, she's just enjoying the drama. Honestly - it seems rather cruel. She acts superior ("I wouldn't go for a married man") but instead she pushes her "friend" to do it. Makes zero sense. You probably haven't told your other friends because you know what they'd say: don't do it. So why are you listening to this one - the only one that'll tell you what you want to hear, even though she and you both know that it's not good for you? She's not much of a friend. i would move on, whats killing me is just to know if he likes me, thats all i want to know. I'm sorry hon - I wish this were true, but I don't think it is. You're already pursuing him and trying to convince yourself destiny wants you to go for it. You're investing more and more emotion in this destructive situation (destructive for you!) - and if you decide he really likes you, I think you'll want to put even more emotion in, rather than pull back. You don't need to know if he really likes you. What you need to know is that he isn't going to be your knight in shining armor. Not ever. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 ...whats killing me is just to know if he likes me, thats all i want to know. Desire is truly irrational. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 She is going on about how she isnt the one to chase married men but she knows my character and that i am going to do it anyway so just go for it. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but that sounds like a major slam. She might as well have said she knows you're lacking morals and character so you might as well go for it. With friends like this, who needs enemies? Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Hi Everyone, thanks again for continuing to offer me advice. I confronted my friend Helen, as to why she is pushing me to go for it. I told her that if she was a real friend she wouldnt want to see mr go through the heartache that this "relationship" would bring I i was to pursue it, she keeps going over the same thing that no matter what she says i am going to do it any way blah blah blah.....what is really interesting is that her ex husband cheated on her, so you would think after all the pain she went through when her ex betrayed her she wouldnt want someone else going through the same pain. I keep telling her, its a phase i am going through and i will get through this, i am going to be strong and i wont pursue him, in time it will pass, and she keeps on my back about him, that i am going to pursue him because she just knows what i am like. Strange that since i have never fallen for a married man before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Oh i forgot to mention that my friend doesnt think its cheating until you actually have sex with another person, something i strongly disagree with. Link to post Share on other sites
TooStress Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 I work at a dental office for so long. A dentist would come any day and any time to work on your teeth dear. Do you know why? He charges you for "emergency visit"!!! Yes i know you walked out of the office without paying but he did turn around and charge your insurance company. ALSO, it was his mistake so he has to go out of his way to fix your filling. If something else happens to you, his behind would be in a lawsuit. The dentist i work for always ask about his patient's health. Matter of fact, most dentists would write down a sidenote about you on your file/chart so next time when you visit, he would act like he remember you and bring up the "old" topic. Trust me on this one. I worked with enough dentists to know all of their trick to make a patient feel welcome. It is normal for a dentist to tell you that you are a special patient. heheheh you are special because you are paying for his BMW, his mansion, his boat, etc. Get the picture? I think you should change dentist or else you will dig yourself a big hole and ended up being hurt and hurting his family. Who knows he might has kids and you would endedup being the "reason" why his children dont have a dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 TooStress, thankyou for your comments. LOL @ paying for his BMW, Mansion etc I've had other dentists and none of them could give a damn about me, they treated me nicely but not as nice as this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 TooStress, and he really didnt charge me anything at all as i dont have health insurance, i paid for everything myself, so theres no one he can charge but me. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 what is really interesting is that her ex husband cheated on her, so you would think after all the pain she went through when her ex betrayed her she wouldnt want someone else going through the same pain. Strange that since i have never fallen for a married man before. Okay - wow. It just occurred to me - maybe she's indirectly punishing the other woman her exH cheated with - through you. That might account for those nasty "I know what you're like" comments. She's projecting her anger at that other woman onto you. I don't know. Two things are clear though: she's a crappy friend, and she needs some serious therapy, stat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 seachange, i think you're right. You're spot on about everything especially the bit about being a crappy friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Okay - wow. It just occurred to me - maybe she's indirectly punishing the other woman her exH cheated with - through you. That might account for those nasty "I know what you're like" comments. She's projecting her anger at that other woman onto you. I have to agree. If you became a mistress, she could then vent at you about how awful she thinks you are and what a horrible thing you're doing. She maybe needs you to fill that role for her. And never mind about how this dentist is nicer than all the ones you've had before. Listen to what TooStress said; she knows MANY dentists who act like that. You just didn't meet any before this one. Don't let your friend push you into this relationship just so she can make you her scapegoat. She may be projecting her husband's mistress' qualities on you, thinking that you are the same kind of person and that's why she keeps insisting you'll do it anyway. Really, talk to other friends who may not have issues in their own lives that will pollute the advice they give to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 I know this sounds wrong and everything but i still more than anything want to invite him around for Xmas drinks/coffee just to see how he reacts, if he says "yes" i could always cancel and say something else has come up?? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 NO. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO What part of 'this is a VERY BAD IDEA' are you not understanding? Link to post Share on other sites
Author goingforgold Posted November 13, 2005 Author Share Posted November 13, 2005 Outcast - just relax!! I am not going to do anything with him. I am just asking for coffee at my place, when my family is home, so nothing can happen. And even if he says "yes" to me thats a sign of interest, and i can always phone him back and say "look sorry cant meet up for coffee, something else has come up" Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Well maybe your friend is right. You are insisting on doing this. You are addicted to him. Your crush is a form of addiction. You cannot move on or get over him or stay away from an affair if you keep feeding the addiction by phoning him, inviting him places, etc. etc. You MUST STAY AWAY. You are not being very smart about this. You now have a couple dozen people telling you you are running right off a cliff but you are not going to stop running. People lie to themselves thinking they can stop themselves from falling in love. They can't. The more you see him, the more you think about him, the more you will get hooked until one day you'll realize you're in love and then you'll be even more miserable. Do you get this? NO CONTACT. Any other choice is a deliberate choice to run right off the cliff. And when you're bleeding and broken on the ground, don't come whimpering here for sympathy because you've been soundly warned that what you are doing INCLUDING INVITATIONS FOR ANYTHING are deliberate choices to get yourself hooked on him. So wise up. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 I think it's entirely possible that your friend's point of view in this is affected in some way by what happened to her in her marriage. But she's also spot on about the fact that you're going to do something stupid here anyway, whatever anyone tells you. What matters here isn't your friend's motives. I think you would search and search for any excuse/reason to continue with this. She just happens to be the one voice you're listening to. That's because she talks about fate and destiny and all that. Well, maybe it's your fate to Start Using Your Head and walk away, rather than get yourself into a stupid situation. Maybe it's your fate that he'll look at you like you've gone nuts if you even suggest anything more than him fixing your teeth. Who can say. What I think you should be asking yourself is why you're willing to wander into what will NOT be a good experience for you, just so you can find out if someone you're obsessing over is in any tiny way interested in you. Have you thought about this at all? Do you know why you might be doing this? Have you done things like this before and somehow escaped and found it fun? It doesn't sound to me like you've been hurt much or you wouldn't have this attitude to a potentially nightmare situation : Please take care of yourself and try to find something ese to do with your time Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 why do you need to know what his feelings are for you? search deep within you for this answer. do you really need anyone esp a mm to validate your own character? somebody gave me some good advice recently as regards embarking on ANY relationship: "if you are not coming from a position of strength, dont do it." do you believe that you are coming from a position of strength? or are you desperately looking for somebody to tell you that you are worthy of love? again, the answers are within you, but you have to be brave enough to look at them honestly. you already know that this mm is interested in you, but your own self doubts want more proof. so you think well i will invite him over for coffee, if he accepts it means he does really like me. afterwhich your self doubts will kick in again, "does he like me enough to want to kiss me?", then self doubt "does he like me enough to want to sleep with me, despite the fact that he is married?" (sometimes the fact that somebody is married and yet still wants you, is even more of an ego boost, they have fallen for you so much that they will risk everything for you) and so on... the fact that you need further proof of his interest for you is very telling about your own self doubts and lack of self esteem. you can look at this very big clue to your state of mind and decide to do something about it or you can ignore it, even feed it, in which case it will become a huge monster and will eventually take you over to the point that it will be even harder to control. what your friend says or anybody says should not be affecting your decisions, the answers are inside you. you need to have the strength to look at them. when you get carried away with these obsessions just STOP look within, be calm. when you have worked on yourself, held up your motivations to the light and looked at them clearly. looked within for every answer. lived your life peacefully and joyously for some time. cured yourself of your ailments. then return to these questions and see what conclusions you arrive at. (hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Outcast - just relax!! I am not going to do anything with him. I am just asking for coffee at my place, when my family is home, so nothing can happen. And even if he says "yes" to me thats a sign of interest, and i can always phone him back and say "look sorry cant meet up for coffee, something else has come up" Oh please Did you invite his wife and kids too? I don't think you're fooling anyone but yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Oh please Did you invite his wife and kids too? I don't think you're fooling anyone but yourself. I agree. Her subconscious is leading her on. She's been sufficiently warned and there's only gonna be one possible outcome if she doesn't back off now. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Something came to mind.... How can one play with fire and not get burned? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Outcast - just relax!! I am not going to do anything with him. I am just asking for coffee at my place, when my family is home, so nothing can happen. And even if he says "yes" to me thats a sign of interest, and i can always phone him back and say "look sorry cant meet up for coffee, something else has come up" The only reason why you are wanting to find out if he likes you or not is "pure" ego! YOU know he kinda is interested already...So, really, what is the point of coffee? Are you going to say "No, get your hand off of me, you're a married man and my dentist" when he makes a move on you? Wanna know what he'll say next? "Well, then why did you invite me over, you know I wanted you - You teasing me now? I'm not looking for love and romance, I'm married already, but I would love to have something on the side for fun." How are you going to feel then? Good about yourself? My guess, you won't. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better and this man IS not up for grabs! HE IS MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Leave him alone and stop chasing him like a 16 year old in heat! I've had other dentists and none of them could give a damn about me, they treated me nicely but not as nice as this one. Dentists are there to do a job, not be your best and caring friend. Some are friendly, some aren't, but either way, it's not their job to "come onto" their patients...That's against their ethics and work code! At the end of the day - They fix your teeth and take your money. That is all. Think about that. Please really read all the replies and listen. Think clearly and see the whole picture of the situation. And...Would YOU advise a good friend of yours right into the arms of a married man? Oh and lastly, stop listening to that friend of yours, she is screwing you over big time - DO you see that? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 Yeah he feels flattered and likes the flirtation and he has been married along time .. You are making him see he still has it even though he is old!! Any older man would flirt back because it makes them feel good ... I wouldn't mess with him leave it as it is a flirtation he has a wife and he way older than you!! Find someone your own age!!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 13, 2005 Share Posted November 13, 2005 I know this sounds wrong and everything but i still more than anything want to invite him around for Xmas drinks/coffee just to see how he reacts, if he says "yes" i could always cancel and say something else has come up?? Desire is truly irrational. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts