Is it ok to go out with a single guy while in a relationship?

[Scottish76]

My (47m) girlfriend (46f) is going out to breakfast, coffee and now a movie alone with a coworker (42m)  

 

She says we are solid in our relationship and I have no need to worry.  She isn't attracted to him at all and finds the thought of intimacy with him gross (her words) but just sees him as a pet project to help get himself together (my words).  She has gone over to his apartment and helped him learn to cook better and healthier things for himself.   They go out for coffee and have gone out for breakfast too.  

 

I told her I was uncomfortable with that and if the roles were reversed and I was doing it she wouldn't like it either.   She agreed we came to an understanding that if she was going out with him that I would come along too.  I have met him a few times.  

 

I thought we were good but over the last few weeks I've seen nothing change.  I was out for breakfast with my brother and she texted me she was at a pet shop looking at cats.  She had her coworker take a picture and send it to me.  They had been out for breakfast too.  

Then this Sunday I asked her if she wanted to see a new movie and she said she saw it the day before with her coworker. 

I got mad and she said she didnt tell me because of the way I'd react.  I told her it's a series she knows I love and yet she chose to see it without me and with a single guy.  Of course I was upset

I know her and know she won't cheat on me but I also know single guys and if there isn't a ring on her finger there is a chance to take her away.  She keeps saying he doesn't see her like that but I don't believe it.  If there is a chance, a guy would take it.  Especially with someone as beautiful as her. 

She says he thinks him and I are more friends than I do and he would never do that to me.   I've only met him a handful of times

Am I in the wrong for feeling this way?

[FMW]

Of course you're not wrong, your feelings are valid.  While there may be some men who would be ok with this situation, I imagine most would feel exactly as you do. 

She knows how you feel about it and has chosen to continue spending time with him and to not tell you about it.  So you have to choose how you want to handle it.  

 

[Blind-Sided]

Time to break it off with her. What she is doing is wrong. She is in the process of "Monkey Branching".  She is going out with a new guy.... and she won't feel guilty at all when she breaks up with you. 

I know I'm sounding harsh... but I've seen it so many times it's not even funny.

Oh... and the classic "Hes just a friend" or "Sex with him would be gross".... don't believe it.   There is also the... "I don't have time for a second BF"... and the ever popular... "If I broke up with you, I probably wouldn't date anyone else".

She is not respecting your feelings... and it will not end well. 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

She has gone over to his apartment and helped him learn to cook better and healthier things for himself

Why does she feel like it is her job to "better" some 42-years-old dude? I mean, he  somehow survived for 42 years without her help  and pretty sure he is going to be be just fine without your GF's help.  Mind boggling! There are social services to help him out if he is struggling and all that she needs to do is to point him to the right direction.

In any case, she is not respecting you and has a very lax boundaries when it comes to her relationship with you. Do you think that she is having an emotional affair with this dude? I am honestly not going to be surprised if you find out that there is some hanky panky going there. Strange how she says that she is not attracted to him but ends up having breakfast, coffee and going to a movie with this dude. It almost sounds like they are dating right in front of your nose. 

2 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

I know her and know she won't cheat on me

There is no way for you to know that and there is always a first time for everything.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

. 

I got mad and she said she didnt tell me because of the way I'd react.  I told her it's a series she knows I love and yet she chose to see it without me and with a single guy.  

Sorry this is happening. She probably isn't cheating  yet per se but hanging out with this guy doing couples things is getting ridiculous. Step back from this. 

[ShyViolet]

She's being completely disrespectful to you.  She knows that you are uncomfortable with this, and she keeps doing it.  The fact that she now hung out with him 'secretly" without telling you, is even worse.  This is escalating.  Even if she was being honest when she said she isn't attracted to him and wouldn't be with him that way, she still seems to be getting some kind of satisfaction out of this game that she is playing.  Maybe she gets off on making you jealous.  I would seriously rethink this relationship.

[semble]

4 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

I know her and know she won't cheat on me but I also know single guys and if there isn't a ring on her finger there is a chance to take her away.

Well if she leaves you for this guy it's not cheating but the outcome is still pretty much the same.

You can't control her and obviously she's going to keep right on doing it so you can either accept it, and try to convince yourself it's perfectly ok and you're "wrong" to feel this way (which is your main question), or you can kick her to the curb. I know what I would do and I wouldn't allow myself to be disrespected but some people will put up with anything to avoid the pain of a breakup regardless of how messed up the situation is.

 

[Els]

I'm all for platonic friends of the opposite sex, but honestly, the frequency and nature of her outings with this guy would be concerning even to me. She's not exactly having work lunches and coffee with him - seeing a movie together one on one and going to his house to cook for him is as intimate as it gets without any physical contact.

If she won't respect your very clear boundaries, you should probably leave.

[Lotsgoingon]

I have several close women friends who are partnered.  I meet them for breakfast. I go to the house to hang out (usually with spouse around). The way your gf is acting is a major red flag.

I also know single guys and if there isn't a ring on her finger there is a chance to take her away.

This line above is misguided. There is no such thing as a guy "taking" a woman away--other than kidnapping. You're taking the focus away from where it belongs, which is with your bf! He's not the problem. Your gf is the problem. Don't obscure that. 

I expect women I date to have male friends--I really do. But your gf's behavior is way across the line. It was the "movies" that didn't sound right to me and her making a project of this guy and helping him with his life. How about she help you with your life? Or help herself with her life? People who try to rescue others almost never have their own acts together. They are escaping by focusing on someone else.  This can be a sign of a real intimacy problem. 

All signs point that this woman has some major social deficit or discomfort with commitment and so acts out in this odd way. But the reason does not matter. Definite yellow light, heading towards red. Definitely worth dumping her over this. 

Now what exactly to do. This is subtle, but you don't want to beg her to stop. That's giving her power. You don't want to persuade her to stop hanging with this guy. That's also giving her too much power and puts you in a subordinate position. 

Instead, you want to go inside yourself and get clear that a relationship with someone that goes out in crazy ways with guys like this woman is not a relationship that you want or that can satisfy you. You want better and will insist on having better.  So you tell her you are pulling back (or you dump her) because "I am not comfortable in this relationship." The "I" is you. She screams, she defends. Repeat: "I am not comfortable in this relationship."

Don't explain, don't negotiate. 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

  The fact that she now hung out with him 'secretly" without telling you, is even worse. 

Yes, OP, this is a huge problem and reason to break up. Not because it means she’s cheating, but because it means she doesn’t respect you and she can’t be trusted. 
 

Dump her ASAP.

[mark clemson]

 I can speak as a guy who is happy to have conversations that some might label flirting with women, but is in a 25+ year marriage. This is too much.

You are (in most healthy relationships) allowed to have friends, including friends of the opposite sex. However, even if she is being completely honest and "nothing happens", she is essentially going out on dates with this guy one-on-one. Frequently, and sometimes without even notifying you that it's happening. It's too much "crossing of boundaries".

There is the notion of an "emotional affair" out there (where nothing physical occurs). To some extent that label is in the eye of the beholder, but this "friendship" would certainly get that label from some folks.

I think in your situation I would "show spine" (probably a bit earlier than at this point) and insist that she end it. If she won't end it and continues to do stuff with this guy outside of work, she is essentially choosing him over you. In that case, in your situation, I would break up with her and look elsewhere.

You've been tolerant up to now, which is fine. If he's really just a friend, she can drop him and find others to be friends with. As a SO, the relationship with you should trump any friendships that might threaten it. There comes a time to establish/re-establish boundaries and/or look for someone else if your boundaries aren't compatible

It's possible that this "interest" in this guy on her part indicates something is off in your overall relationship (beyond just the crossing of boundaries). For example, it's possible she is hoping for an engagement and if it's not forthcoming, she's deciding to look elsewhere. So, if you intend to stick with her, you probably want to re-examine the larger context of your relationship in which this is occurring in case there are significant areas where her needs aren't being met. I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but it's possible.

Edited May 8, 2023 by mark clemson

[MsJayne]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's possible that this "interest" in this guy on her part indicates something is off in your overall relationship (beyond just the crossing of boundaries). For example, it's possible she is hoping for an engagement and if it's not forthcoming, she's deciding to look elsewhere. So, if you intend to stick with her, you probably want to re-examine the larger context of your relationship in which this is occurring in case there are significant areas where her needs aren't being met. I'm not saying this is definitely the case, but it's possible.

I agree with this. How long have you been together, and do you co-habit? If you've been together a while and you've made no noises about long-term commitment she may be thinking she loves you but sees there's no real future with you. She may be feeling taken for granted. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

I know her and know she won't cheat on me but I also know single guys and if there isn't a ring on her finger there is a chance to take her away.  She keeps saying he doesn't see her like that but I don't believe it.  If there is a chance, a guy would take it.  Especially with someone as beautiful as her. 

The caveman brain is screaming at you - the caveman brain is saying you're in serious trouble, and you need to act right away because of this other dude. That part of your brain has to be silenced. Because, well, it’s entirely possible that you’re actually facing some sort of significant relationship situation here.

Her intentions might be to cheat on you or she might just be becoming emotionally attached. Use your judgement before deciding that. Slow down. Details matter. Putting your girlfriend off from this guy when she has no feelings for him more than friendship will not come off good.

If you feel that the relationship is becoming one-sided, then it might be best to end it before it reaches a point of no return.

Relationships that are not based on respect for each other are doomed to failure anyway. It's not just about her feelings, but also about yours. There is a two-way street in your relationship and your feelings are affected by this situation. Her perception of your concerns will determine whether she ignores them or is open to discussing them if she sees that they are genuine and that you deserve to be heard and respected. Without respect, your relationship will not last.

Edited May 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BettyDraper]

You are not wrong. Your girlfriend is disrespectful and I would not be surprised if she was sleeping with this man. 

I'm sorry if that opinion was hurtful. I hope I'm wrong. 

They are spending way too much time together for "friends" who have romantic interest in each other. Why does she need to go to his apartment? 

Even if your girlfriend isn't cheating, she is blatantly disrespecting you and sneaking around. You deserve better. Leaving would be best for both of you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

She has gone over to his apartment and helped him learn to cook better and healthier things for himself.   They go out for coffee and have gone out for breakfast too

Yeah, no. Not good. 

I have no problem with opposite-sex friendships, but this doesn't sit right. She doesn't need to be going over to his house and spending time alone with him. It doesn't matter if she "doesn't see him that way" - it's inapporpriate. 

14 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

I know her and know she won't cheat on me

My guy. She has already started hanging out with him without your knowledge. I bet you never thought she was the type to behave that way either, but here we are. Don't make the mistake of assuming it could never happen. They're already dancing towards it. I'm sorry. 

 

[JTSW]

She is giving more to him than she is to you.

That's not right.

You are definitely right to worry.

I honestly don't think they are 'just friends'.

[Scottish76]

As far as I'm aware, she hangs out with him once or twice a month.  She also drives him home from work in bad weather as he doesn't own a car.

The one thing that I give her credit for is that she doesn't hide, it but she only tells me after the fact.  She could have easily just told me she wasn't interested in seeing the movie and I wouldn't have been the wiser.  

We talked after this last revalation and she says things like "you can't tell me what to do", "I have had quite a few men asking me out and I turn them down because I'm with you" and "Don't worry, our relationship is solid"

She may very well believe he's just a friend and I shouldn't worry but this guy isn't a looker so what would you do if a beautiful woman starts showing any interest in you?  I think she's being nieve.  Besides, she might inadvertently be sending him the "I'm interested" signals.  Wouldn't you think that if a woman would go see a movie with you and not invite her boyfriend and know it's a series he's very interested in?   

Quite frankly I'm on the verge of telling her "Either respect my feelings and our relationship or we are done".  We will see what happens when we talk on Friday.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Scottish76 said:

  We will see what happens when we talk on Friday.

It's good you're going to talk and lay the cards on the table. Try to focus less on whether he wants to bed her or not (because all her defenses revolve around that and that's not getting you anywhere) and shift the focus to the real problems of her playing surrogate GF to this guy.

It actually doesn't matter if he's trying to get with her. What matters is she's acting like they're dating and she can't really defend that with the "I'm not into him" excuse. Focus on her inappropriate behaviors not his possible motives. 

Edited May 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Scottish76]

On 5/8/2023 at 4:03 PM, MsJayne said:

I agree with this. How long have you been together, and do you co-habit? If you've been together a while and you've made no noises about long-term commitment she may be thinking she loves you but sees there's no real future with you. She may be feeling taken for granted. 

We have been together 6 years and believe me I've asked to move In together.  She keeps saying she's not ready and I get that as we both have our own places and kids from previous relationships. I've asked about her feelings toward marriage and she has said she doesn't want to get married again due to the way the previous one ended.

She's open to the idea of living together but "just not yet"  

[mark clemson]

Unless he is a serious creep or rapist, the "signals she is sending to him" inadvertently matter much less than her intent in having this friendship. (Of course it's impossible to know with certainty what the intentions are, which is part of the problem here.)

That said, you're the one who's boundaries are being crossed here (by her). So again it's fine IMO to tell her to tone this down and/or simply end the friendship. She can always go find another friend.

Edited May 11, 2023 by mark clemson

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

She's open to the idea of living together but "just not yet"  

That changes my whole perception of your post. Six years and she's says "just not yet"? What's she waiting for? Hanging off in case she gets a better offer? You've talked to her about this 'friendship' and she knows it makes you uncomfortable, and she acknowledged she wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed, she made conciliatory noises, and then goes pet shopping and off to the movies with Mr Work Buddy, and she has him send you a photo?! What for, to prove the only pussy involved is in a pet shop window? Next he'll be sending photos of the Eiffel Tower while they're on a weekend trip to Paris because she's helping him learn French. She's devaluing your relationship by treating you as inconsequential, and I would give that serious thought because it is in fact you who are being taken for granted. Makes me wonder what caused the breakdown of her marriage. 

[Scottish76]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Makes me wonder what caused the breakdown of her marriage. 

That would be cheating and assault on his part.  So ive taken things slow with her and done things only when she is comfortable with it.  

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Scottish76 said:

That would be cheating and assault on his part.  So ive taken things slow with her and done things only when she is comfortable with it.  

I’d say she has a history of making questionable choices. Likely some family trauma in there.

Either she has no idea how disrespectful she’s being (red flag) or she absolutely knows and just doesn’t care (bigger red flag). Cut your losses. Find your courage. Dump her.

[smackie9]

I am going to throw this out there: Ya it's not appropriate BUT if it is true this guy needs some guidance and this is some kind of hobby of hers, then why not participate? Suggest to her, this guy could use a social circle and see if you all can hangout together. At least you can meet him and see for yourself that he's some lonely sap that could use a little lift. If she kicks up a fuss, please do kick her to the curb. 

[Mrin]

On 5/10/2023 at 7:03 AM, Scottish76 said:

Quite frankly I'm on the verge of telling her "Either respect my feelings and our relationship or we are done".  We will see what happens when we talk on Friday.

I think this is a good idea but you can probably do it without presenting it as an ultimatum. Just stop at "or". Ultimatums oftentimes backfire and if she were to accede to the ultimatum then you would forever be asking yourself whether she did it to do the right thing or just to avoid breaking up.