Is it ok to go out with a single guy while in a relationship?

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

We have been together 6 years and believe me I've asked to move In together. 

She keeps saying she's not ready ... she has said she doesn't want to get married again

she says things like "you can't tell me what to do"

As far as I'm aware, she hangs out with him once or twice a month

Hmm. This might change the picture a bit.

I agree 6 yrs is a long time to not be living together. However, there are SOME people who "value their independence" and/or have "avoidant attachment styles". There is in fact a whole Living Apart Together set out there.

You can research avoidant attachment on the internet if you like. It's a spectrum with milder or stronger tendencies. Mild avoidant attachment isn't going to be a big deal (severe/strong is). You yourself might have it, or might have mild insecure attachment, since you are engaging and committing to this relationship.

Seeing someone twice a month is consistent with friendship as well. That cadence doesn't mean that nothing is happening, BUT it's also true that people tend to see each other a lot more frequently during early romantic stages (aka pair bonding). Even avoidant people.

So it's not entirely implausible that he's only a friend. Whether or not that's correct, she seems to be keeping him somewhat at arms length (as avoidant people tend to do, as this feels "safer" to them). IF she's being honest here, she's deciding to "choose you" as her romantic partner.

All that said, I STILL think it's reasonable for you to ask that she end the friendship on the grounds that it feels threatening to your relationship. Even if it's only friendship, they are essentially going on "friend dates" together and she should be able to see how that's not ok (from your perspective) as it might be if it were a female friend. She should be able to look for someone else to be friends with instead of him.

She may not react well to that BUT you are one half of the relationship, so your feelings in this should matter too. Hopefully she will be able to see that and be reasonable.

[Scottish76]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I am going to throw this out there: Ya it's not appropriate BUT if it is true this guy needs some guidance and this is some kind of hobby of hers, then why not participate? Suggest to her, this guy could use a social circle and see if you all can hangout together. At least you can meet him and see for yourself that he's some lonely sap that could use a little lift. If she kicks up a fuss, please do kick her to the curb. 

I had that discussion with her at the beginning of the year.  If she is going out wih him to include me so i can get to know him better.  She agreed and now shes gone out with him at least twice (that im aware of) and i wasnt even given the offer to join.

Edited May 12, 2023 by Scottish76

[BaileyB]

Sounds like your girlfriend is dating another man. I would have a problem with it too.

if she values your relationship more than she values her “friendship,” it should be no problem for her to stop going to movies, and shopping, and hanging out with this other guy… If she doesn’t after you have voiced your concern - that tells you something. 

[Calmandfocused]

Bailey summed it up beautifully. Yep your girlfriend is dating another guy. 
 

I’ve said this before: a duck is still a duck even when given another name. 
 

You need to start facing the facts op! 
 

Most affairs start between two people who would “never normally do such a thing” and swear blind that it “just happened”. 
 

Nothing “just happens” It happens because the people concerned allow themselves to be in a compromising situation. A situation that is disrespectful to the boundaries of their relationships. 
 

This is exactly where your girlfriend is right now. What she’s doing is wrong. You know it, she knows it but she won’t stop it because she doesn’t want to. 
 

Id forget the ultimatum if I were you. Your girlfriend has already crossed the line in your relationship. It doesn’t matter if nothing sexual has happened between them (yet). She’s already hurt you and caused irreparable damage to the relationship between you and her. 
 

Dump her and get on with your life. Let him have her. 
 

Eventually you will meet someone else who understands the concept of healthy boundaries in a relationship. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

If your girlfriend is truly avoidant, getting her to end this friendship with this other man is going to feel to her like you're asking her to cut her arm off. She most likely has difficulty with trust, and in this case, your girlfriend may feel like you do not trust her to make her own decisions. Asking her to end the friendship with the other man may make her feel like her autonomy is being taken away.

This woman has poor boundaries if she spends so much time talking and hanging out with another guy. Surely she could talk about it with you her boyfriend if she has that much to say. She is not taking responsibility for her own emotional needs and is instead turning to someone else to meet them.

Start learning to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk away.

[Scottish76]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If your girlfriend is truly avoidant, getting her to end this friendship with this other man is going to feel to her like you're asking her to cut her arm off. 

Start learning to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk away.

I wont ask her to end the friendship.  She cant avoid him at work.  I am going to simply tell her how her actions are affecting me and if she continues to disregard my feelings then i'll have to re-evaluate our relationship.

Shes a grown woman and i cant control her or force her to do anything.  What i can do is change my situation if shes not willing to listen to me.  For a relationship to work, both need to be happy and right now i am not.

 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Scottish76 said:

Shes a grown woman and i cant control her or force her to do anything.  What i can do is change my situation if shes not willing to listen to me.  For a relationship to work, both need to be happy and right now i am not.

 

Exactly.

You don't have to demand that she end the friendship, but you can say why it's making you uncomfortable and what you need from her to make the situation better.

Maybe it's that she limits the contact she has with him or that she keeps you in the loop with what they talk about. Whatever it is, make sure that you are clear about it and that you are both willing to work on it. Your request is for her to respect your feelings. It is your right to have your needs met and to express those needs.

She may not be ready or willing to make the changes that you are asking for. In this case, you truly need to reconsider whether or not you are willing to continue the relationship as it is.

No, this is not going to all fall into place overnight, but you must start getting the courage to walk away.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Scottish76 said:

Shes a grown woman and i cant control her or force her to do anything.  What i can do is change my situation if shes not willing to listen to me. 

Exactly. People get really caught up in what their partner is doing, if they’re cheating, trying to catch them etc. None of that is needed. In my opinion, once the trust is gone, the relationship is over. It’s clear if nothing else, you both have different core values when it comes to opposite sex friendships, and that alone is a good reason to end things.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

That would be cheating and assault on his part.  

OK, that's a good reason to be wary of co-habiting, but surely after six years she knows you're not a wife-basher. But the real crux of the matter is, she's not understanding the damage she's doing to your relationship. I hope your Friday talk went well  

[Scottish76]

28 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

OK, that's a good reason to be wary of co-habiting, but surely after six years she knows you're not a wife-basher. But the real crux of the matter is, she's not understanding the damage she's doing to your relationship. I hope your Friday talk went well  

It hasnt happened yet.  It will be another 2 hours before we can talk.  Im just going over what i want to tell her 

[Scottish76]

Update:

 

Well i sat down with her and communicated my feelings to her without yelling.  She allowed me to get it all off my chest without interruption and then told me my feelings were valid.   

She reiterated that she felt nothing for him (more of a big sister role) and the breakfast and movie were spur of the moment decisions that she didnt think it was a big deal but understands now how i feel.  We talked back and forth for an hour not raising our voices

Then i contacted him and he and i went out for a coffee where i told him the exact same thing.  It was good to get his stance on everything.  Both their responses seemed genuine to me.  They are indeed coworkers and strictly friends.  

I realized what i was really mad at was not having the courstesy of being included and a heads up to what is going on. They can be friends but I want to opportunity to say yes or no to being included beforehand. 

Anyway things are better now, at the end of the day we all agreed to more open communication.   

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

They can be friends but I want to opportunity to say yes or no to being included beforehand. 

Great! You asked for what you wanted. Glad to hear that it went well.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Scottish76 said:

 Anyway things are better now, at the end of the day we all agreed to more open communication.   

It's great you got things out in the open.

Just curious are you in a distance relationship? You two don't seem to spend enough quality time together. It's doubtful that living together or not has any bearing on this.

It seems more like she needs more of a social life, going out doing things together than what's available within the relationship.

It's also doubtful she has the hots for this guy, it just seems like she has more common interests with this co-worker and they're both available for each other more often.

Have you two considered spending more quality time together on joint interests and activities? 

[Acacia98]

I'm glad you were able to get a resolution and wish you well.

But keep your eyes open. IMO, if she shared your values, you would never have found yourself in this situation in the first place. If anything, you have learned that she has weak boundaries and is quite capable of being self-centered. I'm guessing that's part of who she is. So other issues may crop up in the future.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Acacia98

[Scottish76]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm glad you were able to get a resolution and wish you well.

But keep your eyes open. IMO, if she shared your values, you would never have found yourself in this situation in the first place. If anything, you have learned that she has weak boundaries and is quite capable of being self-centered. I'm guessing that's part of who she is. So other issues may crop up in the future.

As long as she communicates with me i'll be ok.  She now fully understands what i consider relationship boundaries and is ok with it.  

She knows i'll walk if things dont change.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You are not wrong to feel this way.  I find their spending all of this time together after five when the doors Close, Very inappropriate.  You need to set boundaries with this.  This is what I always refer as to "Work Wife/Husband" scenario at the workplace but in your Case, Both.  If she refuses to abide by your Boundaries, I would contemplate letting her go.  After All, She already saw with Him, The movie you and her were supposed to see.  That is the start for more in store.😒

Edited May 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23