Motivations behind acquaintance being extra supportive.

[lavenderandvelvet]

So confused right now! I have had a pretty overwhelming/stressful few weeks and am trying to get myself sorted. 

To anchor things, over the last 3 months, my sister celebrated her 7th year of surviving cancer, but my mom died of a similar cancer around a month ago. I've been going through it, as things progressed really quickly and I was there for mom's health decline. It was a couple of weeks of transition from home hospice care to a nursing home to her passing to making arrangements and supporting my dad over the past 6 weeks. I have also had some other stressors to deal with at the same time so definitely off balance.

My sister filmed a video with a cancer org about her health journey; I made a cameo and shared it on social. This prompted a lot of pings from people I know close or distant. 

One of these people was an acquaintance/friend from college (we are 20 years post-college) who I have casually been in touch with over the more recent years. We weren't super close but both live in the region, and his family did too. So once a year or maybe a bit more often we'll grab drinks / dinner to catchup on life stuff. But I don't necessarily know him really well. We'd chat about random stuff, text a little and then not connect for half a year or more. Since our contact is fairly infrequent - I don't know tons about his life. But friendly enough he has been to a few of my birthday parties but not tops of the list. That is the basic context of our relationship.

So a many weeks ago my sister's video was the context of him reaching out and we hadn't talked for like a year and a half - pandemic problems! So we made plans to grab drinks after I finished some work travel. I filled him in a bit on mom's cancer issues a quick life update. We booked a time and I cancelled because of my mom's heath deterioration and admittance to hospice, and she ended up passing away a couple of days later. 

I tend to be fairly open and honest, and I am fine to share these sorts of things with more distant friends, but I also have a support system of closer folks. So there is no aim for sympathy, just want to give context to folks why I may be less responsive than is typical for me. 

So while this was all going on and we were making arrangements what not he volunteered to be a supportive ear or shoulder since he had lost a parent. Really thoughtful. 

And then it gets a but more odd - he offers up coming over to stay at his place for a night or two to get a break from all of the family chaos and whatnot. Which is slightly odd as he had been an occasional meal or drinks person for me, and not like emotional support. 

Anyway at this point I was still at my parents, and then getting ready for a preplanned trip to a wedding (which was much needed decompression time). And I told him we should hang out when I am back from he trip. And he sent regular pings to make sure I was doing ok. Which is a bit outside of the norms of overall relationship with him. So I am a little bit confused. Of course everyone I know has been extra supportive in this time, which is not unexpected. But this feels a little different compared to the more typical response from folks I am less close to (which is more like a door dash gift card or a personal note).

What do you all think?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

.My sister filmed a video with a cancer org about her health journey; I made a cameo and shared it on social. 

 he volunteered to be a supportive ear or shoulder since he had lost a parent. Really thoughtful. 

And then it gets a but more odd - he offers up coming over to stay at his place for a night or two to get a break from all of the family chaos 

I'm very sorry all this is happening. Condolences.  Your friend seems to have reached out in response to your sisters post. He seems to be empathetic, however you don't need to visit him overnight if that's awkward or questionable.

[ShyViolet]

Many people don't know what to say or do when a friend or acquaintance is going through something like this.  They feel awkward but they try to help somehow.  I think this was just his way of trying to be helpful.  I wouldn't read too much into it.  If you're not interested in his offers then just politely decline.

[stillafool]

I too have offered friends who are caregivers a night or two at my home where I will cook and pamper them to give them rest.  It's a kind offer to make when someone is going through stress; but I wouldn't read more into it than that.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wrong question. The question is, what do you YOU want from this guy? 

If you want more than acquaintanceship and you feel comfortable with the offer, you say yes. If you don't want more,  you politely decline. And if you are creeped out or made uncomfortable by the offer, you decline and you pull back on the frequency of talking to him and meeting with him. You share less.

What you do not do is try to figure out  what he's thinking. You connect to your intuition here and that feeling in your gut. Sounds clear to me that the offer is not comfortable for you. Stay with that. End of game. You don't talk yourself out of feeling uncomfortable with someone's offer. An appropriate friendship offer does not make us uncomfortable. 

 

 

 

Edited May 9, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[stillafool]

I have a feeling that OP is excited about his offer and wants confirmation that he has a romantic interest in her.  I may be wrong.

[Lotsgoingon]

Good point @stillafool. I was taking the OP's cryptic question as a sign that she was uncomfortable with the request. But often on this board, this kind of question indicates the person is interested in going further, but wants to play it safe to see if the other person is interested first.

OP,  what's the deal? What do you want with this guy? Are you getting butterflies when you meet and talk with this guy? 

 

[JTSW]

He sounds like a really lovely guy and great friend.

I'm not sure what his intentions are but if you are curious about it you could go and see what happens.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It is clear here he is into you and sounds like he would like to get to know you better.  He has obviously not given up on you and has persisted on trying very hard to get together.  I am so sorry for your Mom's death.  I, too, Lost my own Mom five years ago to Lung Cancer and it is hard to get through when you lose a Mom or even a Dad.  I lost both because Dad died a few years ago of a Twisted Bowel.  I feel right now you need to take care of you and be with people who you feel most comfortable to be with in a time of need such as this one.  Perhaps it is best to tell your friend when you feel the time is right and things calm down for You, That is when you will happily contact him to get together.  It is your choice.  However, Go slow with him.   He may be looking for more than drinks.  Perhaps a Real Relationship is on his mind.  My Prayers and All My 😪Best go out to you and your family.

[mark clemson]

On 5/8/2023 at 1:04 PM, lavenderandvelvet said:

And then it gets a but more odd - he offers up coming over to stay at his place for a night or two to get a break from all of the family chaos and whatnot. Which is slightly odd as he had been an occasional meal or drinks person for me, and not like emotional support.

Just take a pass on this part, it's not appropriate given the overall context here.

 

On 5/8/2023 at 1:04 PM, lavenderandvelvet said:

And he sent regular pings to make sure I was doing ok. Which is a bit outside of the norms of overall relationship with him. So I am a little bit confused. Of course everyone I know has been extra supportive in this time, which is not unexpected. But this feels a little different compared to the more typical response from folks I am less close to (which is more like a door dash gift card or a personal note).

What do you all think?

He MAY just be being extra supportive because he's that kind of person. OR he MAY have decided to see if perhaps your (casual and somewhat distant) friendship has potential for becoming more. Only time will tell. IF it's the latter, you having a good sense of what you want/don't want here will be helpful. That can be harder at stressful times, though, so perhaps find some quiet time to reflect and get in touch with what you (might) really want here. And if it's just and only continuation of the same, that's fine. More has not yet been offered and it might never be.

Edited May 22, 2023 by mark clemson

[Grumpy Bob]

Let me give you a counterpoint.

A couple of years back, I reconnected on facebook with somebody I hadn't seen since highschool.  So we're talking maybe 35 years ta that point.  So we've exchanged a few messages, some brief, some more detailed on particular topics.  There was an "event" coming up, that we were both interested in participating in, possibly as part of the same team. 

She went through a rough patch with her mum, and I (like any normal person, and along with her her acquaintances) offered as much moral support as possible.

She has recently been diagnosed with cancer.  It's nasty, as cancer so often is, and she's having a rough time.  I feel terrible for her, and of course have posted several messages of support and well wishes.  With all my heart, I WISH there was something I could do.  If she needed money, or blood,  I'd donate, but like everyone in this situation I just feel helpless.  She does have some very close friends who are being a great support, but has actually posted a couple of times that she doesn't want visitors.  She's ill, and she's very tired and worn out, and isn't up to socialising with a parade of well-wishers.  So we sit, and watch, and pray, and wait.

No, I haven't offered her a room for the night, nor have I resorted to delivering casseroles, but my point is that sometimes people just want to help.  They know there's nothing they can do to help with the underlying problem, so they search for other ways.