Repetitive and unhealthy patterns

[mtnbiker3000]

I have now been single for just over a year, having been through yet another tough and painful split up after a pretty good 18 month RS. This female and I clicked quickly, seemed to get along very well and viewed many things from the same perspective. Lots of sex and generally enjoying each other’s company (hiking, biking, restaurants, movies, travel, etc). It was a fun-filled year, but the final 5 or 6 months definitely started to spiral as both of us started to replace fantasy with reality and became more and more dissatisfied with each other and the RS. No real fighting or other explosive negative behavior, just a slow deflating.

Once again, after some serious introspection, I realize and identify many of the same patterns I have seen from myself in the past. I grew up in a very critical and emotionally absent, even abusive, nuclear family and quickly developed coping skills that let me survive without much, if any, approval, validation or acceptance. Now, in my adult life I realize, without much control of, or even being conscious of, I tend to gravitate towards relationships where I get these emotional needs filled to some degree. Not all relationships, but ones where I assign a high value to the woman I’m dating. Usually, physically attractive, intelligent, capable, etc. And when I realize these women have made a conscious choice to spend time with me, be with me and especially have sex with me, I quickly become attached and tie much of my self-esteem, happiness and peace of mind into the relationship and that person. Then, my job becomes making sure that I continue to get these needs filled. Almost like an addict getting their fix through any means necessary. This shows up in the form of pleasing, focusing solely on their needs, covert contracts, and many other strategies designed to manipulate and manicure how I am viewed in the relationship. Whatever I have to do to keep them around and not ‘abandon’ me as I felt so much of as a child. This is great as long as I continue to get what I need, but as soon as the scale tips, and all of these things stop flowing and meeting my complex emotional needs, I become very hurt, sad, depressed, frustrated and angry.

I have spent a lot of time working on these issues in different types of therapy and recently started practicing Buddhist Meditation. But I still seem to circle around the same issues. I am worried that I won’t meet another female like my last girlfriend, but strangely I am even more scared of the fact that I might, and continue with the same things that constantly lead me to pain and suffering.

No real question here, just observing and reporting.

[Acacia98]

I hear you.

[ShyViolet]

Are you saying you have co-dependent tendencies in relationships?

[mtnbiker3000]

Yes, I believe so.

[mtnbiker3000]

Just read this online and yup, pretty much!

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time. A tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts. An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

[Giovane]

Sorry this is happening to you. You are not alone! (I feel like similar things may be happening to me.)

However, itˋs a good thing you realize what is happening and have such a clear grasp of your situation! This will give you a fighting chance if you ever really want to live in a healthy relationship. And to think that many people never even make it this far…

Long-term, I for one would be curious to learn what effect the Buddhist meditation has on you (if any).

Edited May 9, 2023 by Giovane

[mtnbiker3000]

It's actually really helping a lot as Buddhism centers around controlling your thoughts and getting rid of the ones that don't serve you, especially grasping and desirous attachment.

[Alpacalia]

Are you familiar with Vishen Lakhiani?  His thoughts on meditation are interesting.

 

[smackie9]

Meditation is good to clear the mind/to reset but won't give you the true therapy you need that a professional psychologist can give you. Controlling repetitive thoughts is one thing, but actually getting to the point of acceptance and letting go is another. Both are great tools to use...maybe even a therapy group, to learn coping skills from others and to hear others experiences. Working together to heal creates positive energy.