I feel like outing the guy my boyfriend hooked up with

[Madison]

I posted awhile back about how my boyfriend hooked up with a guy while broken up. I want to out one of the guys because I just found out he hooked up with him a week before we broke up. I hate the fact he was with anyone else. I love him so much but I’m mad at him. The guy also knew he had a girlfriend. The other guy’s friends are extremely homophobic so he wouldn’t have them anymore if they found out. Plus he’s always talking bad about gay people. I just love my boyfriend so much and I don’t want anything to come between us. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Madison said:

 I just found out he hooked up with him a week before we broke up.

Unfortunately it seems like your BF is the problem, not all the guys he sleeps with. Taking it out on your BFs sexual contacts won't bring you any closer or correct your BFs infidelities.  You may have to reflect if this is the right man/situation for you.

Is this the same BF?

 

[Madison]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like your BF is the problem, not all the guys he sleeps with. Taking it out on your BFs sexual contacts won't bring you any closer or correct your BFs infidelities.  You may have to reflect if this is the right man/situation for you.

Is this the same BF?

Yes it is the same bf. I found out one of the two guys he slept with while broken up was actually before we broke up

[Calmandfocused]

Please don’t do that. This other guy is nothing to do with you (including his relationships) and outing him won’t make you feel any better. In fact it will only make you look bad. 
 

No good will come of it. For anyone. 
 

However you have a bigger problem on your hands here. 
 

Your boyfriend has an itch that every now and again he will need to scratch! Sex with men! 
 

Can you cope with your boyfriend having an indiscretion with men every now and then? Looks like that’s the compromise you will need to make if you “love him so much”. 
 

Sexuality aside (and btw being bisexual does not give an automatic, discretionary “get out of jail free card”when it comes to cheating/ fidelity) the truth of the matter is that your boyfriend enjoys casual, NSA sex with people he has no feelings for. 
 

Is that what you want? A cheater for a partner? 
 

Personally I’d want better for myself but only you can make that choice.  

[Atwood]

It's not cool to out someone. They could get seriously hurt as a result. Don't give somebody a reason to do a hate crime. If that isn't deterrent enough, you will get in serious trouble if that happens.

Deal with the issue with your boyfriend who cheats on you. It is entirely his fault. 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Madison said:

I posted awhile back about how my boyfriend hooked up with a guy while broken up. I want to out one of the guys because I just found out he hooked up with him a week before we broke up. I hate the fact he was with anyone else. I love him so much but I’m mad at him. 

If you love your boyfriend, you won't do things to hurt his life.  Evidently you have accepted him despite his hookup.  Leave the other guy out of it.

[Giovane]

That would be lowly behaviour.

Don‘t be a bad person. 

[Madison]

1 hour ago, Atwood said:

It's not cool to out someone. They could get seriously hurt as a result. Don't give somebody a reason to do a hate crime. If that isn't deterrent enough, you will get in serious trouble if that happens.

Deal with the issue with your boyfriend who cheats on you. It is entirely his fault. 

In trouble for what?

[Madison]

29 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you love your boyfriend, you won't do things to hurt his life.  Evidently you have accepted him despite his hookup.  Leave the other guy out of it.

I just want to be with him. I’ve been with him for a long time

[Madison]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Please don’t do that. This other guy is nothing to do with you (including his relationships) and outing him won’t make you feel any better. In fact it will only make you look bad. 
 

No good will come of it. For anyone. 
 

However you have a bigger problem on your hands here. 
 

Your boyfriend has an itch that every now and again he will need to scratch! Sex with men! 
 

Can you cope with your boyfriend having an indiscretion with men every now and then? Looks like that’s the compromise you will need to make if you “love him so much”. 
 

Sexuality aside (and btw being bisexual does not give an automatic, discretionary “get out of jail free card”when it comes to cheating/ fidelity) the truth of the matter is that your boyfriend enjoys casual, NSA sex with people he has no feelings for. 
 

Is that what you want? A cheater for a partner? 
 

Personally I’d want better for myself but only you can make that choice.  

Yeah I don’t want a cheater but I feel so bad right now

[basil67]

Outing the guy he slept with would be unconscionable behaviour.  After all, your beef is with your boyfriend, not the other guy.

You have the facts about your boyfriend and now you need to make a decision.  The question is, can you sustain a long term relationship with him knowing that he needs occasional sex with men?  The answer can only be Yes or No.

How old are you?

 

[Madison]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Outing the guy he slept with would be unconscionable behaviour.  After all, your beef is with your boyfriend, not the other guy.

You have the facts about your boyfriend and now you need to make a decision.  The question is, can you sustain a long term relationship with him knowing that he needs occasional sex with men?  The answer can only be Yes or No.

How old are you?

 

I’m in my 20s and I don’t want him sleeping with other people

[Calmandfocused]

One final point I didn’t say. 

You’re misappropriating your blame and your anger. 

This guy didn’t cheat on you. Your boyfriend did. 
 

Your boyfriend did the dirty on you. That’s on him. His choice. His responsibility. His fault.

And it’s your responsibility for putting up with it. Yep! You’re allowing this to happen and you need to understand that. 
 

Be angry at your boyfriend. Be angry at yourself (you should). 
 

But don’t be angry at the other guy. He owes you nothing. 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Madison said:

I’m in my 20s and I don’t want him sleeping with other people

Kindly, it appears that he WILL be sleeping with people on and off.  Your options are to agree to a polyamorous relationship or walk away.

You're still young.  If you don't want a poly relationship, there are men out there who you can new love with

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Madison said:

In trouble for what?

For outing someone who doesn't want to be.  When you do things like that people usually retaliate. Are you also going to out your boyfriend to everyone?  He wanted it and will want it again.

[Madison]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

For outing someone who doesn't want to be.  When you do things like that people usually retaliate. Are you also going to out your boyfriend to everyone?  He wanted it and will want it again.

My boyfriend is out to some people but not my friends 

[Madison]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, it appears that he WILL be sleeping with people on and off.  Your options are to agree to a polyamorous relationship or walk away.

You're still young.  If you don't want a poly relationship, there are men out there who you can new love with

I don’t like either option. I don’t know what to do 

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Madison said:

I don’t like either option. I don’t know what to do 

Idea: would you consider engaging in threesomes with him and other bi men? Not poly but swinging. 

[Madison]

29 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Idea: would you consider engaging in threesomes with him and other bi men? Not poly but swinging. 

I never really have been into stuff like that

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Madison said:

I’m in my 20s and I don’t want him sleeping with other people

Unfortunately you're not happy because of his cheating. Clearly threesomes and open relationships would make matters worse for you. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done including STD testing. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

You seem to want a situation he's not offering. However once you let go and free yourself from this turmoil, you could find peace and happiness with someone.

Please confide in trusted friends and family about your BF and his cheating and bisexuality. Feeling isolated by hiding his secrets from your friends is not helping you.

Edited May 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Madison]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're not happy because of his cheating. Clearly threesomes and open relationships would make matters worse for you. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done including STD testing. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

You seem to want a situation he's not offering. However once you let go and free yourself from this turmoil, you could find peace and happiness with someone.

Thank you. I’m not sure what will happen but this isn’t fun at all

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Madison said:

Thank you. I’m not sure what will happen but this isn’t fun at all

That's why we dump people who cheat on us. 

The likelihood of this working out is just about nil, and the damage is done.  Don't go outing anyone. Simply understand that your boyfriend is not the man you thought he was, and walk away. The wheels are going to come off this relationship altogether sooner or later - might as well not drag out the inevitable. 

Your boyfriend wants things you can't offer. That's why this will never work. 

[JTSW]

Why do you want to punish the guy he slept with?

It's not his fault your bf decided to cheat on you with him.

What are you hoping to achieve by doing that? What do you want to happen to him?

If you out him, he can get hurt and things will end up allot worse for you.

You are just looking for someone to punish, and that someone should be your bf.

As I said in your previous post, if you were broken up then it doesn't matter if he slept with someone.

But if he did it while you were together then he's the one that needs to answer for it.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Madison said:

My boyfriend is out to some people but not my friends 

Unfortunately the only way to feel better is to step away from him and his proclivities. Rather than wreak havoc with his sex partners, be honest with yourself and your trusted friends and family.  Perhaps they can support and encourage you to leave a painful situation. 

[Atwood]

16 hours ago, Madison said:

In trouble for what?

If someone is physically hurt as a result of you outing them, they may report it to the police. I would think putting someone in danger of harm would be deterrent enough, though. It's very important to consider the consequences of outing somebody and as a general rule should not be done. 

I really feel you should reach out for support for your mental health to get you through this.