What exactly do girls want to hear? online dating, or in general)

[Kaspers_Intuition]

Hello.

The main reason I made this post is because on some dating apps you can send a message with your "like"... So I'm curious what EXACTLY do girls want to "hear" from a guy?

Also sometimes they post their snapchat and I'll add them. What I usually send them is an introduction, who I am and then a picture of myself. Is that okay?

 

some background info:

So I'm a VERY quiet, shy, not one to talk a whole lot type of person. It just doesn't come natural for me to be someone who can have a LONG conversation, or even one at all sometimes. The words simply do not and will not come out, and I'm also 100% certain there is absolutely no cure for this at all ever. And I'm not even interested in a cure. I'm also super shy.

I did have one ex gf that didn't really care at all - and if you're wondering why she became my ex, it was for religious reasons we broke up... but she would talk talk talk and never care about how much less I talk than she does. And I don't mind a girl that can talk a lot.

 

back to the post:
Again I don't talk a whole lot, I also don't know what to say. I think the two entwine making me feel like I'm English illiterate almost.

What exactly do girls want to hear???

here are some things I'm tempted to say, because I honestly do not know what else to say.

- hey how are you?

- you look beautiful

- let's chat hmu

- (sometimes I'll send an introduction telling them my name, age, etc as mentioned above).

- (sometimes I'll comment on their profile something they posted - I've had a few short term matches like this, short term because they don't find interest in me for long LOL.)

 

to anyone that's successful with online dating, what exactly do you talk about? I can't seem to figure this out. I feel like there's a way of talking that'll attract a female even if you're picture isn't all that great. To be honest if I looked more manly and masculine and attractive, I bet it doesn't matter what I say - because when I swipe right on a girl idc what her bio says, if she looks good, I swipe regardless (unless it's a fake profile).

Edited May 10, 2023 by Kaspers_Intuition
typeo's

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

Also sometimes they post their snapchat and I'll add them. 

- hey how are you?

- you look beautiful

- let's chat hmu

What is the age range you're looking for? What are your social media settings? Can everyone see how many random women you're following? 

What types of apps are you using? Free apps? Why doesn't your dating profile have pics and some info? Can you message through the app?

Hit me up, hey and you're beautiful are not good conversation starters. They seem overused, uninterested and a bit lazy. More like a shotgun approach. 

 Try to mention something about their profile and asking a friendly question. 

Perhaps start by cleaning out your social media and resetting your privacy settings. Try messaging through the dating app in a way that's engaging and asks a response. 

Make sure you use some quality (at least one paid) app. They tend to have more features in general and better screening and criteria tools .

Edited May 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Kaspers_Intuition]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is the age range you're looking for? What are you're social media settings? Can everyone see how many random women you're following?

What types of apps are you using? Free apps? Why doesn't your dating profile have pics and some info? Can you message through the app?

Hit me up, hey and you're beautiful are not good conversation starters. They seem overused, uninterested and a bit lazy. More like a shotgun approach. 

 Try to mention something about their profile and asking a friendly question. 

Perhaps start by cleaning out your social media and resetting your privacy settings. Try messaging through the dating app in a way that's engaging and asks a response. 

Make sure you use some quality (at least one paid) app. They tend to have more features in general and better screening and criteria tools .

Age range 18-40.

What do you mean social media settings? Basically there's two apps I use where you can send messages: Facebook dating, and Hinge. I don't really follow a lot of women, it's a waste of my time and just adds to their "validation"... if you get what I mean lol. Or least that's how it feels...

Then I add their Snapchats, and sometimes instagrams, but they don't really check their instagram messages often. Plus my instagram is not very popular, like most of the girls you would end up adding, they always have a few thousand followers. it's crazy!!!

"a friendly question.", what would be some examples of friendly questions?

I do pay for Tinder and Bumble right now, but I'm not getting any matches really, just fake profiles. I even swiped non stop on 100 profiles on Bumble, and only got 1 match within a few day and it was a fake profile. I swiped on every single person for 100 people. Crazy.

I have pictures also on my dating bios and stuff.

Edited May 10, 2023 by Kaspers_Intuition

[Giovane]

1 hour ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

- hey how are you?

- you look beautiful

- let's chat hmu

- (sometimes I'll send an introduction telling them my name, age, etc as mentioned above).

- (sometimes I'll comment on their profile something they posted - I've had a few short term matches like this, short term because they don't find interest in me for long LOL.)

hey how are you?   ➡️ Generally speaking it's fine, but not like that. 👎 (see below)
you look beautiful   ➡️  Hell no! 👎

sometimes I'll comment on their profile something they posted   ➡️ I used to do that... to no avail, mostly. 😄 Women may say they appreciate the attempt, but I'm under the impression that it doesn't really matter. If your profile is interesting, they'll be willing to chat even if you start with "Hi there!" and a smiley face. If your profile is not interesting to them, they'll ignore your message even if you put a lot of thought and effort into it. I once wrote a short poem about a picture in a profile, and the girl actually responded... asking me if I had used ChatGPT to write that poem. 🤨 Once a woman asked me about a thing on my profile in her opener, which I liked. It helped to get a conversation going.

I'm on the big, infamous red app and I'm on the yellow app where the big selling point is that women write first. On the red app, women on what feels like every other profile complain about men not being creative with their first line... And what are their first lines on the yellow app, where they're forced to initiate conversation? "Hi!" "Yohoo!" "Hi there." "Hello." ... 😄 I really cannot take that seriously any more. So don't go overboard with creative openers. You can do it, just don't overdo it. Ask a question about something in her profile, then you should be fine. Anything more than that is probably a waste of time and effort, it's just not appreciated.

Most of the conversations that I had started off very unspectacularly, with standard lines.

One last thing though: I think many women do appreciate correct capitalization, spelling and punctuation. (Then again, maybe that's just the type of women I attract, and vice versa.) "hey how are you" looks sloppy, as if you're hardly putting in any effort. In order to make it look like you're potentially taking the other person seriously, at least make it "Hey, how are you?".

Edited May 10, 2023 by Giovane

[basil67]

Let's roll it back a bit - if you change workplaces or sports teams or whatever, are you able to establish conversation with men?  Or if there is a new guy, can you go and chat to make him feel welcome?  Thing is, if you can converse with one gender, you should be able to converse with the other.  

Broadly speaking, just as men don't all want to talk on the same conversations, neither do women, so my advice is gender neutral.  The trick in the small talk, where you fish out bits of information which you can use  to ask the person more about a topic of interest. After a bit of chat on that topic, you can also segue onto a topic which is of interest to you and hope they bounce that around.  Even better if you find a topic you're both interested in. 

6 hours ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

What exactly do girls want to hear???

here are some things I'm tempted to say, because I honestly do not know what else to say.

- hey how are you?

- you look beautiful

- let's chat hmu

I haven't done OLD, but I can't see that opening a discussion online would be that much different to face to face, though obviously it's a tougher audience because there's so much choice. (posters, please feel free to correct me if I'm totally off base here!)  

Anyway, I'm female and I was to find myself single and on OLD, this is what I'd like/not like:  I wouldn't say "how are you?" because it's a greeting, not a question. The obvious answer would be "I'm good how are you?"  Super boring.   Any guy opening with "you look beautiful" would be an automatic NO because it's objectifying.  Though it is great to say this later if you've built a rapport and mutual attraction.  

As Giovane said above, open with something about her profile.  For instance, my daughter's boyfriend has an amateur interest in her profession and opened with getting excited about it and they pretty much dove into the topic.  She was particularly impressed because a lot of other guys have gone "what's that?"  And there's another thing: Google is your friend.  It looks pretty dumb when the profession is on his/her profile and the potential date doesn't even make a cursory effort to find out what it involves before reaching out. 

Another trick is to be able to take something odd and not be like a deer in headlights.  For instance, I have hobbies that not many relate to.  But you can always use lines such as "that's unusual.  How did you get into it?  or What attracted you to this?" 

You mentioned that you swipe right on an attractive woman's profile no matter what the info is.  If she was going to respond, what will you say if the things she's written about aren't things which interest you??   

Lastly, and again to echo @Giovane, grammar and punctuation are important if she's educated.  My daughter would tell me about when a guys opened with "your beautiful"  AAARGH.  Bad grammar AND objectification in one sentence!  Epic fail.  

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

like most of the girls you would end up adding, they always have a few thousand followers

So you're a guy with no conversation, shy, you said somewhere up there not the most masculine BUT you go after beautiful women that have thousands of followers...

You got to keep it real. 

I suggest you start over, look at all the profiles again and take time to read their profile. Pay attention to women that may not be top model material but are well put together and don't look self absorbed. 

How old are you? Do you know what you want? I find it odd you look for a woman between 18 to 40. There is a world in between 18 to 40, what you want is too vague, too all over te place. 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

Age range 18-40.

 I do pay for Tinder and Bumble right now, but I'm not getting any matches really, just fake profiles. I even swiped non stop on 100 profiles on Bumble, and only got 1 match within a few day and it was a fake profile. I swiped on every single person for 100 people. Crazy.

Ok.  Stick with a couple paid sites and refresh your profile and pics. Try to stop all the lateral moves like adding them to your social media.

The best thing you could do is discontinue the shotgun approach and random clicking, adding, etc. You need to significantly trim down your matching and screening criteria.

You may believe that casting as wide a net as possible is a better strategy for success but it's not. For example using the default age range with a 22 year span. If other app users see this its a huge turn off. 

It's not a good strategy to cast such a huge net. Why? Because most of what you're reeling in is a lot of flotsam and jetsam that you have to  waste time and energy to sift through.

Reset all your matching and screening criteria to more targeted, reasonable and appropriate settings.  Set an appropriate distance, age range, and other demographics, characteristics,etc 

Edited May 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

I prefer someone who approached me normally. There's nothing over the top, just a simple hello or how you're doing. It made me feel respected and welcomed. Just having a brief introduction without feeling like you need to impress someone is refreshing.

You don’t have to be extraordinary.

Showing genuine interest, having a sense of humor and avoiding overly aggressive or suggestive comments.

It turns out that women don't have a single set of preferences (shocker!). If one woman doesn't like what you're putting out there, then you don't necessarily have to switch your approach -- you just have to find someone who does, and then you'll probably be a better match in the long run anyway.

[Weezy1973]

Does it matter what women want to hear if you can’t speak to them anyways? Honestly that’s the first thing you need address. It can be fixed. 

[BaileyB]

You have got to realize that cold calling women online via snap or instagram is going to be a really low return approach. You are more likely to be ignored than to build an actual relationship with a woman - so I would encourage you to set your expectations accordingly. 

If you are reaching out, I would try to find something you share in common to open the conversation. Ie, if she has pictures of her baseball team - tel her that you play baseball too. Or, if she has pictures of a trip to Paris, tell her that you’ve always wanted to go and ask for some information. 

As was said above, “how are you” is boring.  If she is beautiful or she has a lot of followers - she likely gets a lot of messages and that doesn’t catch her interest in any way. That said, commenting on beauty would be an absolute no for me. Again, boring and degrading. Women don’t take men that they do not know who tell them that they are beautiful seriously. I would not reply because I want a man who is interested in more than physical appearance and puts more effort into connecting.

Edited May 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Kaspers_Intuition]

Nature hates ugly. and I'm not that attractive - but there are girls that are my type that are attractive, which makes me think a lot of girls are attractive (Idk where I'm going with this).

 

I will make a side note here that I DO read the bios on those apps where we can send a message, but where we can't send a message, I just swipe.

BUT what i meant was, a girl technically does not need a bio. Just post a picture and it's swipe-able. Post a bio and it's still swipe-able, but not really needed is what I meant.

 

Does that make sense? But I understand your input. I just don't think a girl "needs" a bio. I do look at pictures sometimes twice and find that she's actually not my type. My favorite picture a girl can post is a fully body picture.

Edited May 11, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to deleted post

[Gaeta]

May l ask how old you are?

[Kaspers_Intuition]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You have got to realize that cold calling women online via snap or instagram is going to be a really low return approach. You are more likely to be ignored than to build an actual relationship with a woman - so I would encourage you to set your expectations accordingly. 

If you are reaching out, I would try to find something you share in common to open the conversation. Ie, if she has pictures of her baseball team - tel her that you play baseball too. Or, if she has pictures of a trip to Paris, tell her that you’ve always wanted to go and ask for some information. 

As was said above, “how are you” is boring.  If she is beautiful or she has a lot of followers - she likely gets a lot of messages and that doesn’t catch her interest in any way. That said, commenting on beauty would be an absolute no for me. Again, boring and degrading. Women don’t take men that they do not know who tell them that they are beautiful seriously. I would not reply because I want a man who is interested in more than physical appearance and puts more effort into connecting.

I've found little to no girls really respond back to me sending them a nice little intro and a picture of me LOL. Some do and I'm too scared to even message them back, but they're there, open to message if I send them something - but idk what their tolerance is.

Maybe I'll try what you suggested and comment on something in their picture of something.

Do you think it's more about how attractive the man is versus what they say though? Maybe an attractive man asking how are you is more likely to get a swipe or response?

[Kaspers_Intuition]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

May l ask how old you are?

29 years old.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

Do you think it's more about how attractive the man is versus what they say though? Maybe an attractive man asking how are you is more likely to get a swipe or response?

Physical attraction doesn’t hurt when you are on a dating platform where you chose potential dates based on little more than a photo - swipe left for no and right for yes. I mean, that is the very nature of the platform.

That said, I’ve contacted a man on a platform because I found him attractive and I thought we had things in common only to realize that he was an arrogant man or couldn’t hold a conversation - in which case, his physical appearance didn’t meant anything.

Being physically attractive may get you in the door (ie. people will swipe right or reply to a message) but actually deciding that you want to date and be in a relationship requires so much more. One may not be the most handsome man but if he is socially outgoing, puts people at ease such that they feel comfortable and good about being with him, and if he has a sense of humour, adventure, and fun - he will get a TON more interest from women than a handsome man who has no ability to relate to people and/or is a jerk. 

As they say, men fall in love with their eyes and women tend to fall in love with their ears/brain. Don’t assume that men and women are attracted by the same thing - they aren’t. 

Edited May 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Kaspers_Intuition]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Does it matter what women want to hear if you can’t speak to them anyways? Honestly that’s the first thing you need address. It can be fixed. 

It's a little complex to fix for me. any suggestions? I mean technically a convo is just a bunch of words that continue on and on and on. Like saying on and on, that's a continued conversation hahah right? So just asking how they're doing... what they like to do... ask them how they feel about such and such, then ask them out for a date, right? Eventually I dry up and don't know what to say. Or even up front, like on Hinge dating app you can send a message with a picture, sometimes I just honestly don't know what to say in the moment.

[BaileyB]

You need to work on developing your social skills if that’s the case… and that happens with people, in real life. Join a group, take a class, play a sport, go out with friends. Build your social skills and you will attract more women.

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

It's a little complex to fix for me. any suggestions?

Are you on the autism spectrum?
 

The best conversations happen when you’re genuinely interested in getting to know the other person and you’re not in your head worrying about what they think about you. How are you? That’s not a good one. First you want to establish some rapport or commonality. How are you finding online dating? That one could lead to good conversations because we could share some of our experiences and likes and dislikes. But generally you want to get to know her and allow her to get to know you. Not all at once, but over time.

[Kaspers_Intuition]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Physical attraction doesn’t hurt when you are on a dating platform where you chose potential dates based on little more than a photo - swipe left for no and right for yes. I mean, that is the very nature of the platform.

That said, I’ve contacted a man on a platform because I found him attractive and I thought we had things in common only to realize that he was an arrogant man or couldn’t hold a conversation - in which case, his physical appearance didn’t meant anything.

Being physically attractive may get you in the door (ie. people will swipe right or reply to a message) but actually deciding that you want to date and be in a relationship requires so much more. One can not be the most handsome man but if he is socially outgoing, puts people at ease such that they feel comfortable and good about being with the man, and if he has a sense of humour, adventure, and fun - he will get a TON more interest from women than a handsome man who has no ability to relate to people and or is a jerk. 

he was a jerk? what the heck LOL. Looking back at my past relationships, I was struck over one girl, I learned that word because of the actions I displayed. But I've never been one to have conversations, and she didn't care. We could just sit in silence and it didn't matter to her, she enjoyed my presence. But it would be nice to carry a conversation and be more of what your describing.

my fear though is if I have to strive to become a better person, what's the point? Shouldn't i work with my strengths then try to be better.

I am generally actually a very nice and kind person at heart. So I have that to work from.

 

or maybe I'm still single because I'm just simply at all the wrong places at the wrong times? Maybe I'm perfect the way I am and I'm just too critical.

[Kaspers_Intuition]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Are you on the autism spectrum?
 

The best conversations happen when you’re genuinely interested in getting to know the other person and you’re not in your head worrying about what they think about you. How are you? That’s not a good one. First you want to establish some rapport or commonality. How are you finding online dating? That one could lead to good conversations because we could share some of our experiences and likes and dislikes. But generally you want to get to know her and allow her to get to know you. Not all at once, but over time.

haha idk it sounds like me autism (just googled it). It actually sounds like me a lot, but I've never been tested for it or dx'd with it.

"How are you finding online dating?" - I actually started to use this a few times. Just used it actually on a facebook dating match - no avail... or maybe they looked at my profile twice and decided not to respond... hmmm.

idk I thought how are you is a good one honsetly? it can branch into how you're day is going, oh you work, what do you do, or that's cool, oh you're doing this, I like that too.

that's kinda why I thought how are you is good hahah! XD

Just get to know each other, gotcha.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

29 years old.

Then l suggest you narrow your search to women 23 to 40. Which is still a broad search. A 29 yo should not be interested in an 18 yo. They're still kids, especially this new z generation. I know l have a 19 yo at home. 

Stick to dating apps and speed dating, singles events. Hitting on instagram, fb, and social media is very creepy for most people, even the younger generation. 

[Kaspers_Intuition]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Strongly disagree with most of this.

The implication here is "well you cant get that so settle for something you do not want". OP my suggestion is to learn what people like and this is not particularly difficult in a social setting,  see how guys treat ladies, what they say, how they say it and a good idea would be to try understand some body language.

You wont find instant success but you need to take the view of learning something each day.

Often in life its not what people want to hear but how you say what you say. Its easy to be angry without showing anger but by word choice you can convey that. Being shy is not actually too bad because you can choose your words carefully.

Social media is a terrible place to look at in isolation, it shows what they want you to see which is not always the real picture. My suggestion is never give up on what you want, rather fail at that than succeed at something you do not want. 

"Its easy to be angry without showing anger but by word choice you can convey that."

that's very true.

"My suggestion is never give up on what you want, rather fail at that than succeed at something you do not want. "

yeah! what you said. haha.

thanks for the info though! I'll take into consideration, very helpful thank you.

[Kaspers_Intuition]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then l suggest you narrow your search to women 23 to 40. Which is still a broad search. A 29 yo should not be interested in an 18 yo. They're still kids, especially this new z generation. I know l have a 19 yo at home. 

Stick to dating apps and speed dating, singles events. Hitting on instagram, fb, and social media is very creepy for most people, even the younger generation. 

nono I look very young for my age, if you knew me in person you would prolly understand. an 18 year old is prolly perfect for me!

is speed dating legit? I haven't tried any where I live yet.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Physical attraction doesn’t hurt when you are on a dating platform where you chose potential dates based on little more than a photo - swipe left for no and right for yes. I mean, that is the very nature of the platform.

That said, I’ve contacted a man on a platform because I found him attractive and I thought we had things in common only to realize that he was an arrogant man or couldn’t hold a conversation - in which case, his physical appearance didn’t meant anything.

Being physically attractive may get you in the door (ie. people will swipe right or reply to a message) but actually deciding that you want to date and be in a relationship requires so much more. One may not be the most handsome man but if he is socially outgoing, puts people at ease such that they feel comfortable and good about being with him, and if he has a sense of humour, adventure, and fun - he will get a TON more interest from women than a handsome man who has no ability to relate to people and/or is a jerk. 

As they say, men fall in love with their eyes and women tend to fall in love with their ears/brain. Don’t assume that men and women are attracted by the same thing - they aren’t. 

OP I suggest you read the bold many many times. The thing is you need to get in the door and that is the challenge, I'd like to think carefully chosen words spoken with sincerity would help but I cant categorically say this is true. 

OP you also need to realise it is much easier for attractive people in general because getting the door open is easier but equally a lot can fall short due to a lack of other qualities in the LONG term. Typically I think many have enough qualities for ONS but that does not mean they are relationship material.

I think the best advice OP is to always be respectful in your communication.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

It's a little complex to fix for me. any suggestions? I mean technically a convo is just a bunch of words that continue on and on and on. Like saying on and on, that's a continued conversation hahah right? So just asking how they're doing... what they like to do... ask them how they feel about such and such, then ask them out for a date, right? Eventually I dry up and don't know what to say. Or even up front, like on Hinge dating app you can send a message with a picture, sometimes I just honestly don't know what to say in the moment.

Actually a conversation is exchange of thoughts, feelings, news and ideas between two or more people.   For a conversation to hold up, BOTH people need to contribute to it.  If the conversation is drying up, it's because either you or her isn't holding up their end of the conversation or there's absolutely nothing in common.  

Did you know that a speech and language therapist can teach you how to have a conversation?  My adult son has autism and with the help of a language therapy has made amazing progress in his ability to converse.  You're already far more expressive than my son when he started, so I have no doubt you can improve enormously.  

4 hours ago, Kaspers_Intuition said:

nono I look very young for my age, if you knew me in person you would prolly understand. an 18 year old is prolly perfect for me!

is speed dating legit? I haven't tried any where I live yet.

You may look young, but that doesn't mean that you have anything in common with an 18yo.   I agree that 23 should be your lower limit.