He's kicked me out

[Veryanxiousattachment]

Relationship advice 

 

I think my relationship is over and I’m heartbroken. 

We’ve had various issues for sometime and after doing a lot of research I think my partner is a narcissist and definitely and avoidant attachment style. I am the definition of preoccupied anxious attachment. We’ve been together for 20 months and I’ve learnt a lot about how to deal with his very volatile outbursts. He gets into these vicious moods and lacks any empathy or compassion even when I’m in floods or tears on my knees begging. I know that that behaviour pushes him away though and I try my best to curb it. 

But this last argument is the worst. 

A bit of background. He’s not worked for 18 months. I’ve tried to be supportive and not pressure him all the while paying for everything (holidays, food, social occasions, his Cigs, the cleaner etc.) bar the house bills. The house we live in is his. I have my own house which I still have to pay the bills for and he doesn’t contribute to it because he says we don’t live there. 

He lives about an hour from me home and doesn’t drive or have a car. So the whole relationship I have been the one to sacrifice everything to be together. I’m the one who’s constantly driving up and down and arranging my life around him so I can just be near him. He’s not bothered about spending time apart and to be honest I get the feeling he doesn’t want me around anyway. There’s no longer any intimacy between us and certainly no affection but I put that down to him being in not the best place. I do feel worthless and ugly though. 

I’ve lost all my confidence. Because of what I suspect is NPD he is very entitled and expects me to look after him. He says I earn enough to do so and lives by ‘what’s his is his and what’s mine is his too because he believes I have more money and support’. I don’t earn that much and for the last 9 months I’ve been working part time so my funds are low. I’m not struggling by any means but I’m not as comfortable as I used to be especially as I’m paying for two people. We both have a nest egg in savings but became mine is bigger he thinks that I should use mine and he shouldn’t touch his - and he won’t. 

I’ve worked so hard to build up that savings pot and anything I take out of it I’m mindful that I need to pay it back to keep it at a certain level. 

With the living situation I’ve always wanted us to live somewhere where we’re both happy but he’s pretty adamant he’s staying put, but sometimes says he’ll think about it and we’ll talk about it in a year. I’ve learned not to push it due to his NPD and avoidance. I’m constantly on egg shells watching what I say and he’s super sensitive and the slightest thing can trigger and outburst. 

Recently he’s decided to do the house up and asked me to contribute. I said I don’t have the money when I’m paying for everything else. Plus I think on some level I resent him asking me to do up a house that I don’t want us to live in long term and that isn’t mine. I don’t feel welcome there and whenever there’s a fight he kicks me out. He’s locked me out before and made me stay in a hotel and I’ve never forgot that. I’m constantly worried that he’ll throw me out and end it and he always makes comments about packing my bags. So yea I didn’t want to contribute. But I know as an NPD he doesn’t care about my side and his view is always right and he’s better than everyone so should get whatever he wants. 

The fight erupted when there was a big sale on a brand that I loved and I treated myself to more than I should have. I can’t afford it and I’ll probably return it but it was a real f*** it impulse buy moment. And it was all stuff if asked for for my 40th birthday- he didn’t get me anything, not even a card. 

He hit the roof. Said I’d lied about being broke and kicked me out. 

I’ve never seen him so angry. 

He’s always been all about money and what he can get from people and I’ve always felt like a cash machine in this relationship. He’s only with me because of what he gets out of it and I’ve read that NPD, they are just with people to satisfy what they want and when the source runs dry they discard them. 

I’ve broke down, been in hysteria, begged him to forgive me, apologised so many times, said I’ll return everything and give him whatever money he wants but he’s saying he’s done now and it’s his house 

I don’t know what to do. 

He’s ignored me for 24 hrs, I’ve not heard anything. 

I’ve apologised over text and begged and begged but he’s not having any of it. Please help 🙏🏾

[JTSW]

Oh hell no.

You should HOPE that this relationship is over.

Girl, this POS is using you and abusing you. 

He is vile and disgusting.

Please do not go back to him because you DO NOT deserve the way he treats you.

He doesn't care about you at all and only cares about himself.

No, his behaviour is disgusting and highly abusive.

You are so much better than this.

Do not take back what you purchased for yourself because you are perfectly in your right to treat yourself from time to time.

Go back to your house and look into getting therapy to help you realise what a complete piece of crap this guy is.

Please do not go back to him, I cant stress this enough.

17 hours ago, Veryanxiousattachment said:

He says I earn enough to do so and lives by ‘what’s his is his and what’s mine is his too

This is bs. Don't believe the crap he tries to make you believe.

Edited May 11, 2023 by JTSW

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Veryanxiousattachment said:

 We’ve been together for 20 months and I’ve learnt a lot about how to deal with his very volatile outbursts. He gets into these vicious moods  worst. 

. I have my own house which I still have to pay the bills for . 

Please take all of your belongings out of his house and move back home. Sever all financial ties .

. Once you sever all ties, delete him from any accounts, change all your passwords, and get your belongings out of his house, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Take care of yourself and your home and your future. There's no need to finance him. Read up on domestic violence. Please call domestic violence hotlines for support and information on how to extricate yourself from this. 

You have a place to live and the practical means to get out, but you'll have to get help with the trauma bond and psychological damage from this.

It doesn't matter whatever diagnosis you believe he may have, what matters is taking your life back from an abusive situation.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

Kindly, I don't understand. You've got NOTHING good to say about this guy.....not even a snippet of something good....yet you're "heartbroken" that he ended it.  How do you reconcile this in your head?

The way I see it, you're now free of a toxic relationship. You have a home to go to.  And an income to support yourself.  This is a very good outcome for you

[stillafool]

You must understand that this man doesn't care about you or he wouldn't use you, refuse to have sex with you and abuse you.  Why are you begging him for anything?  I think you should go home and stay away from him.  It's better to be alone than being in a relationship that is abuusive.  Please leave.  Do you have children?

[Els]

Erm... the real question is, why do YOU want him back? Sounds like good riddance.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/10/2023 at 6:09 PM, Veryanxiousattachment said:

I don’t know what to do. 

Call a therapist. 

Seriously. It is extremely concerning that you want any part of this relationship anymore. 

[ShyViolet]

This is an extremely abusive and dysfunctional relationship, do you not see that?  He has volatile, angry outbursts, treats you horribly and constantly makes you feel like you are not wanted in the relationship, in between the abusive outbursts.  And your response is to get on your knees *begging* him to stay with you???  And to let him take advantage of you financially and pay for all his expenses?  Are you SERIOUS?  This is toxic and abusive.  And when you mentioned towards the end of your post that you have kids involved in ths..... just NO.

He did you a favor by kicking you out, whether you can see that or not.  You need to stop begging him to take you back, let this relationship END, and get yourself into some SERIOUS therapy before you even think about dating again.  You have extremely dysfunctional tendencies.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes call a therapist. There is likely some abuse and neglect in your family history--and you are acting like a kid with no power with this loser of a guy.

We have to survive and adapt to parents growing up. We do NOT want to adapt to mean people we encounter in relationships. But it's often impossible for us to see even obvious patterns in our behavior that bring us misery. 

Call a therapist. 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Love is TRULY blind.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I am so sorry for your pain.  It is quite clear this guy🤔 is not for you and you should know with all of the Red Flags, It's time to Go and Not look back.  You deserve better than this guy.  Focus on you now and if he tries to get in touch with you, Tell him you have moved on to bigger and better things in your life.