Wife possibly cheating with her co-worker

[Ages]

    Long post. I just need to get it off my chest.

  So as the title says, thats my predicament. A little back ground, me and my wife had been together for over 20 years, we have 2 girls of elementary age, and a house, and make relative to time, same pay. We work for the same company just diffrent sites.

    About a year ago our mutual friends have been saying that they noticed shes been having a disrespectful tone with me, where i just shurged it off and i just told them "thats just marraige tone", some of them went so far as in talking to her about it and telling me I should get marraige counseling. Being a guy i just thought it was just a phase in our marraige.

   Weve been having occasional fights over scheduleing, work and kids, her unwillingness to compromise led to some choice words, everytime we fight she would bring up being over me, leaving me with the kids or divorce. When she said that , it hurt me, Ive never thought of giving up as an answer never brought it up in any argument in the past, especially since we built so much together and have kids.

   But after these string of fights we've been distant but civil almost like roomates, very little intamacy but moving forward with our daily routines with the kids. We talk like normal but at the same time it feels very superficial. Were stubborn and we didnt talk about it just pushed it under the rugg I guess. I figure time will heal and we will get that chance to connect again.

   About 6 months ago she started working. From home night shift with option to go in. One day at night I walked into  our room where she had her office and she got startled, she was quick to covered up her phone that was facing me, where i got a glimpse of her face timeing, a man that i think is her co-worker he didnt have a shirt on. After that i started to look at the backlogs of our home security and would find out for the past 2 weeks (the limit of memory on my camera) at night when she would stay up saying shes gonna catch up on her shows. Becuase i work dayshift I would put the kids sleep, and sleep in there room. ON The cameras i see her face timeing this guy even blowing him kisses at the end of the conversation, she always uses face time when talking to guy so never shows up on out phone bill, and would talk for hours at a time and when she hears a noise or hears me coming, she would be quick to cover the phone. The way she covers the phone under the blanket and pulls it out when the coast is clear tells me this A-hole knows shes married. Lately shes been coming home a few hours late from work or dropping off the kids always with some excuse as to why. I dont know if any physical intamacy has taken place but my mind is scrabblinh. She Also started to bring a foldable mattress to work, she says its for her break so she can get some sleep.

Im loosing sleep, my anxiety is bubbling, my mind is racing and my anger is being pushed but at the same time im not showing its like im numb and im drained metally and physically just putting this clown face on for the kids

   I Want to confront her the next few weeks becuase we have her side of the family gathering next month and I dont think I can handle that knowing what I know. But dont know how to go about in doing it? What questions to ask and how can I be sure shes not lying? Do I go to our mutual friends first and ask there opinions? Where do i go from here?

 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Ages said:

 What questions to ask and how can I be sure shes not lying? Do I go to our mutual friends first and ask there opinions? Where do i go from here?

Sorry this is happening. Please consider marriage therapy and suggest it to her. This way you two can get an honest dialogue started with the guidance and advice of a neural professional.

Even in the event of divorce, you'll need to at least get some things under control for coparenting.

Don't involve friends or family. Unfortunately there seems to be a long history of ongoing conflict. Add to this your findings about her questionable activity. 

[Bryanp]

Sorry for you about this. It seems pretty clear and obvious what is going on.

If the roles were reversed, how do you think she would be reacting to you?

She is disrespecting you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

[JTSW]

I'm so sorry OP but it's pretty clear that she is having an affair with this guy.

All the evidence is there. 

Can you perhaps follow her to work and see if she's meeting up with him?

It's very likely that she is.

[Ages]

27 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I'm so sorry OP but it's pretty clear that she is having an affair with this guy.

All the evidence is there. 

Can you perhaps follow her to work and see if she's meeting up with him?

It's very likely that she is.

I want to sooo badly but im bad at this kind of stuff. Plus its been killing me inside i just want to ripp the band aid off and just confront her sooner then later. When we both have a day off and kids are asleep. And i do t think theres enough time. Im writing this as she thinks im asleep and i just watch her a few hours ago talking to the scumbag and blowing kises and saying things i havent heard from her in years, just seeing the way she looks at the screen hurts becuase i remeber when she used to look at me that way. And everything going through my mind that shes gonna bring this Ahole into my daughters life a guy who is cheating on his wife aswell and knowingly involved with a married women, I dont want my kids having that conception of a man. 

[JTSW]

16 minutes ago, Ages said:

I want to sooo badly but im bad at this kind of stuff. Plus its been killing me inside i just want to ripp the band aid off and just confront her sooner then later. When we both have a day off and kids are asleep. And i do t think theres enough time. Im writing this as she thinks im asleep and i just watch her a few hours ago talking to the scumbag and blowing kises and saying things i havent heard from her in years, just seeing the way she looks at the screen hurts becuase i remeber when she used to look at me that way. And everything going through my mind that shes gonna bring this Ahole into my daughters life a guy who is cheating on his wife aswell and knowingly involved with a married women, I dont want my kids having that conception of a man. 

I really feel for you.

You need to gather all the evidence you can to use against her.

Are you able to contact this guys wife and fill her in on what they are doing?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ages said:

 i just want to ripp the band aid off and just confront her sooner then later. When we both have a day off and kids are asleep. 

Definitely find a private calm time to address this. Do not involve friends and family. Use a professional qualified therapist. Please don't  waste time playing amateur private detective. You have all the evidence you need to decide what to do whether reconciling or divorce. 

In the meantime, privately and confidentiality contact an attorney for advice, support and information about your options in the event of divorce. 

You're both living a lie right now, maybe to protect the children, but you two need to get things out in the open  and make a plan to address this.

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, Ages said:

Do I go to our mutual friends first and ask there opinions?

No, don’t drag other people into your marriage. They really don’t want to be there…

Pick a time when you are alone and have the conversation. Tell her what you know and see what she says. Whatever you do, be sure that the children do not overhear this discussion. 

Also, you should consult an attorney. 

 

Edited May 11, 2023 by BaileyB

[Ages]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

I really feel for you.

You need to gather all the evidence you can to use against her.

Are you able to contact this guys wife and fill her in on what they are doing?

I dont know how. I didnt pay attention when I met the guy, I do know he has a wife and just had 2 twin boys probably less then a year old when my wife keep telling me hes stressed about the newborns and thats how it started becuase he kept calling my wife for advice about care of his kids. I dont know how stressed his wife will be especially since one of the twins is always sick and to be the one to tell her about his Ahole husband.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Ages
Spelling

[Ages]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

No, don’t drag other people into your marriage. They really don’t want to be there…

Pick a time when you are alone and have the conversation. Tell her what you know and see what she says. Whatever you do, be sure that the children do not overhear this discussion. 

Also, you should consult an attorney. 

 

Do i call an attorney before I confront her? And thank you guys for the advice

[mark clemson]

If you're pretty certain you intend to divorce then yes, it's probably wise to contact an attorney at some point. You feel how you feel + the chance for "other logical explanations" seems pretty slim given what you've described.

Assuming you're in the US, many family/divorce attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consults. You can try a few out to see which ones you might like, and get some of your questions answered for free (which is nice as they tend to be quite expensive). You can get a sense of the process in your jurisdiction, and possibly what the broad parameters of a settlement might look like.

Keep in mind that getting a straight answer out of an attorney is sometimes difficult, in part because there's a lot of variation e.g. in the couple's finances, what a specific judge might decide, etc., etc.

In just a few states, it's possible to sue the affair partner for "alienation of affection" in the event of an affair leading to a divorce. I doubt this ever accomplishes much for most of us (beyond getting attorneys paid more), BUT I don't know your specific situation. Your attorney could give you more specifics about if that's an option in your state.

I'd suggest keeping in mind that some attorneys suggest things that will increase what is often already high animosity between parties. For example serving papers at work can sometimes humiliate a person in front of one of their most important peer groups. This can result in letters, court motions, and other activities being done out of attempts to "punish" the other person via the legal system. All of which the lawyers get paid for, but it would seem rarely amount to much (except the lawyers getting paid more). That's particularly true IF your ultimate end state is going to be a negotiated divorce settlement that a judge later approves. Getting to the negotiating table quickly (if that's a foregone conclusion) presumably saves you money and headaches. Your mileage may vary, but suggest you look out for this and try to keep your head on straight; consider how the other person might react, and weigh whether an action is "worth it" in the longer run given what lawyers charge.

GL and it's certainly an unfortunate situation.

Edited May 11, 2023 by mark clemson

[Ages]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you're pretty certain you intend to divorce then yes, it's probably wise to contact an attorney at some point. You feel how you feel + the chance for "other logical explanations" seems pretty slim given what you've described.

Assuming you're in the US, many family/divorce attorneys will give free 1/2 hour consults. You can try a few out to see which ones you might like, and get some of your questions answered for free (which is nice as they tend to be quite expensive). You can get a sense of the process in your jurisdiction, and possibly what the broad parameters of a settlement might look like.

Keep in mind that getting a straight answer out of an attorney is sometimes difficult, in part because there's a lot of variation e.g. in the couple's finances, what a specific judge might decide, etc., etc.

In just a few states, it's possible to sue the affair partner for "alienation of affection" in the event of an affair leading to a divorce. I doubt this ever accomplishes much for most of us (beyond getting attorneys paid more), BUT I don't know your specific situation. Your attorney could give you more specifics about if that's an option in your state.

I'd suggest keeping in mind that some attorneys suggest things that will increase what is often already high animosity between parties. For example serving papers at work can sometimes humiliate a person in front of one of their most important peer groups. This can result in letters, court motions, and other activities being done out of attempts to "punish" the other person via the legal system. All of which the lawyers get paid for, but it would seem rarely amount to much (except the lawyers getting paid more). That's particularly true IF your ultimate end state is going to be a negotiated divorce settlement that a judge later approves. Getting to the negotiating table quickly (if that's a foregone conclusion) presumably saves you money and headaches. Your mileage may vary, but suggest you look out for this and try to keep your head on straight; consider how the other person might react, and weigh whether an action is "worth it" in the longer run given what lawyers charge.

GL and it's certainly an unfortunate situation.

Yea i get you, I think we can come to an agreement to use as little lawyers as possible since we mostly kept our financial seperate and dont want to loose all our money for the kids 

[Ages]

Update: so I consoled with two of our close friends before I confronted her this let me speak out my rage and helped me organize my thoughts before i confronted her and she admitted to cheating emotionally and nothing pass kissing. I think a believe her and i hope that thats the extent of there releastionship,

Since our second child and Her parents moving in to help with kids she felt isolated or I was not supportive or there for her, but I was mostly taking care of the kids while she took on more responsibilities at work and schooling, which made me feel like i was dumped with the care of the kids,

She never intedned to get emotionally invested in her co-worker and said it just happened and the guy is going through a devorce aswell and she dosent want me to inform his wife until the custody of his kids is decided and hell tell her. 

  we decided to try marraige consoling to try to save our marriage and if that dosent work we will use file with the city for divorce and see an attorney together to limit how much we spend on our devorce, we recorded our selves with a plan to split everything to initial owner, and shared finances down the middle with house to be decided but not to sell as to not uproot the kids and possibly buy me out including orginal down. 

Are there any advice on the cheapest way to do this with as little lawyers as possible if we both are pretty much in agreement on who gets what and kids are 50/50 and were not gonna do alimony or child support since we both feel we have the best intrest in our kids inmind.

Edited May 13, 2023 by Ages

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ages said:

.we decided to try marraige consoling to try to save our marriage and if that dosent work we will use file with the city for divorce and see an attorney together 

 Good you spoke and got things out in the open. Try marriage counseling and see if you can get back on track.  You could look into alternative arrangements to dissolve the marriage such as a mediator, if you eventually feel you're better off coparenting than being married.

[Ages]

On 5/13/2023 at 3:30 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 Good you spoke and got things out in the open. Try marriage counseling and see if you can get back on track.  You could look into alternative arrangements to dissolve the marriage such as a mediator, if you eventually feel you're better off coparenting than being married.

Unfortunately I keep catching her in lies, and Ive read in order for marriage consoling to work she needs to be free from that Ahole and she admitted she would not stop leaning to him, so dissolution of the marriage is more then likley at this point

[stillafool]

On 5/13/2023 at 5:20 PM, Ages said:

she dosent want me to inform his wife until the custody of his kids is decided and hell tell her. 

So she's protecting him

 

1 hour ago, Ages said:

she admitted she would not stop leaning to him, so dissolution of the marriage is more then likley at this point

and leaning on him.  You are right to go forth with divorce.