Am I a Toxic Control Freak?

[Mista Luna]

Dear readers,

Hello from down here! This is ML writing once more in the hopes of recieving more perspective on something which I believe is poisoning our relationship: my insecurities, and perhaps innate desire to control. 

 

For context: I've been dating my boyfriend William for around 6 months. 2 weeks ago, we started doing long distance due to visiting our respective families. He traveled by car and plane to his hometown yesterday, and ended up getting sick on the car ride there. I've known William around 2 years prior to our dating, and his health has always been stable. He hadn't thrown up, especially during travel, for a very very long time. I suppose it helps to add that he just got operated on, too. I was very worried, especially given that I couldn't do anything about it now that we were long distance. When he called after he arrived at his family house, he told me he still felt sick. I started to bring up eating something non-greasy or nothing at all, and suggested that maybe his mom's dinner plan of fajitas wasn't a great idea. He became upset and told me if his mom was cooking for him he wouldn't ask her to change it. Now I was upset. Even in the car he was telling me how he felt bad that he threw up the food his mom had brought for him to eat.

It felt like he was prioritizing his mother's feelings over two things: perhaps his own health (but I can't speak for his own hunger/desires), and my personal worry.  And his mother only recently came into picture for him as a maternal during the time of his surgery.

I'm confused and stricken as to how much of a control freak I may be due to how upset I am, or insecure I am to possibly be jealous of him and his mom (which, is that what it appears to be?). Is there any way to stop feeling like this?

 

Thank you for your time,

ML

 

 

[basil67]

I wouldn't call you a toxic control freak, but you're being like an over protective mother who's trying to wrap their child in cotton wool.  

Your boyfriend is a grown man and, for better or worse, can (and should) make his own decisions.  Given that isn't (to our knowledge) suffering a life threatening illness, your worries about how he's feeling and his desire to not make a fuss over what he's served are misplaced.   

Let him be a grown up and make his own decisions.  In the meantime, I'm sure he'll sleep it off

Edited May 11, 2023 by basil67

[Mista Luna]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I wouldn't call you a toxic control freak, but you're being like an over protective mother who's trying to wrap their child in cotton wool.  

Your boyfriend is a grown man and, for better or worse, can (and should) make his own decisions.  Given that isn't (to our knowledge) suffering a life threatening illness, your worries about how he's feeling and his desire to not make a fuss over what he's served are misplaced.   

Let him be a grown up and make his own decisions.  In the meantime, I'm sure he'll sleep it off

This makes a lot of sense! I'm rereading the texts I sent him in a bout of weird nerves, and you seem to have a great point. I'll be telling him to disregard my coddling promptly. Thank you Basil!

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Mista Luna said:

. I started to bring up eating something non-greasy or nothing at all, and suggested that maybe his mom's dinner plan of fajitas wasn't a great idea. 

Even though you mean well and care about him, it's important not to mother him. It's also not necessary to insinuate that his mother's cooking is unhealthy or sickening. Just wish him well without advice or tips about his health and diet.

Edited May 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Mista Luna]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Even though you mean well and care about him, it's important not to mother him. It's also not necessary to insinuate that his mother's cooking is unhealthy or sickening. Just wish him well without advice or tips about his health and diet.

I'm think about it alot, and I think this remark I made may have also spanned from a slight jealousy towards his mother's competency. I should work more on that if I want this relationship to work out. You won't see a wannabe mother challenging a biological mother in this relationship! B) Thank you Wiseman.

[smackie9]

He's a grown man for f-sakes. He can do/eat whatever he wants. You are smothering him. You can make suggestions sure but if he doesn't follow them so what. It shouldn't be something to fight over. He a big boy he can learn from his own mistakes. You think after 30+ years with my husband he always listens to me? oh hell no. I can't be bothered with it and I don't let it get to me. There's nothing more relishing than saying "I told you so." lol

The moral of the story is, stop taking everything so personally. He could have just manned up and told his mom he was unwell. She would have jump into action, given him love and a home remedy. Instead he made a different choice because his mom did go out of her way to make something special for him. He didn't want all his mothers' effort go to waste so that's him being respectful/endearing. I'm sure, in future, he will remember your advice and make better choices for himself. You are going to have to learn to let it go. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Mista Luna said:

I'm confused and stricken as to how much of a control freak I may be due to how upset I am, or insecure I am to possibly be jealous of him and his mom (which, is that what it appears to be?). Is there any way to stop feeling like this?

Is it his relationship with his mom that is causing your insecurity? Or could it be something else? If it's his relationship with his mom that is causing your insecurity, take a moment to think about why that is. Are you worried that his relationship with his mom is stronger than your relationship with him?

Your boyfriend is trying to take care of his own needs, as well as those of his mother. He likely wants to make sure that she feels appreciated and respected, even as he is also taking care of his own health. Try to be understanding of his need to balance both.

[Mista Luna]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's a grown man for f-sakes. He can do/eat whatever he wants. You are smothering him. You can make suggestions sure but if he doesn't follow them so what. It shouldn't be something to fight over. He a big boy he can learn from his own mistakes. You think after 30+ years with my husband he always listens to me? oh hell no. I can't be bothered with it and I don't let it get to me. There's nothing more relishing than saying "I told you so." lol

The moral of the story is, stop taking everything so personally. He could have just manned up and told his mom he was unwell. She would have jump into action, given him love and a home remedy. Instead he made a different choice because his mom did go out of her way to make something special for him. He didn't want all his mothers' effort go to waste so that's him being respectful/endearing. I'm sure, in future, he will remember your advice and make better choices for himself. You are going to have to learn to let it go. 

I quite like your brusque take on this! It's refreshing. I can definitely see more of his side other than just being 'stubborn'...And, a bit about my own pettiness LOL! Thank you for writing Smackie, cool cat by the way. 

[Mista Luna]

56 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Is it his relationship with his mom that is causing your insecurity? Or could it be something else? If it's his relationship with his mom that is causing your insecurity, take a moment to think about why that is. Are you worried that his relationship with his mom is stronger than your relationship with him?

Your boyfriend is trying to take care of his own needs, as well as those of his mother. He likely wants to make sure that she feels appreciated and respected, even as he is also taking care of his own health. Try to be understanding of his need to balance both.

I must admit that my jealousy of his and his mom's budding relationship have me feeling confused as to how else I can care without always looking for an instant, personal solution. But, I know that I don't want my love to be given on the condition that he give his mom any less, or spite her because of it. They're just starting to rekindle that sort of familial connection, and I'd hate to ruin it because of my own ego. Thank you for your words Alpacalia.