Guilty over mom

[mortensorchid]

I have a bf now, we've been together for almost a year and we're happy.  There are some things that are bothering me about his family... 

HIs parents are divorced, he has a brother who lives with the father.  His mother and he lived in the same apartment building (they lived separately but in the same building) for many years.  He was in the process of putting her into a nursing home when we first met (online).  Apparently she went downhill very quickly in the few weeks before we had our first contacts (through Facebook banter), he was hoping she would not have to stay in the place but it looks like she has to from now on as she can't take care of herself.  His father and brother have left him to handle her.  They don't come to see her.  The father I understand, they are divorced.  The brother?  I have a certain opinion about the brother but I will not share it fully here, but I will say that both the father and the brother don't want to deal with it.  

My boyfriend is sad, he said.  He feels guilty about having to put her there.  I said to him this is really the only option for her (even though I have never met her) - she can't take care of herself anymore and needs constant care from others.  I said she's in good hands with the staff there.  He said he feels guilty about it.  He then said meeting me was the best thing that happened to him last year.  I said meeting him was the best thing to happen to me as well. 

I am not thinking of leaving him over this, to be sure.  I am far from the first person who is concerned about these things, but what can be done if anything? 

[Blind-Sided]

Nothing can really be done.  You don't know the entire family dynamic, and why the brother won't step up.  AND... if you try to get in the middle of it... you may build tension where it doesn't need to be. 

[ShyViolet]

The question of what can be done is not your issue to figure out.  It is his issue and doesn't concern you, honestly.  Be supportive of his feelings but remember that you are not in the middle of this.  You haven't even been with this guy that long and you don't know his family.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/11/2023 at 7:59 PM, mortensorchid said:

  I have a certain opinion about the brother 

It's ok to be supportive and a good listener, however your BFs guilt and sadness is something he would be better off addressing with his physician and therapist. He seems to be disproportionately overwrought about it. And somewhat in denial of the nature of the situation.

As far as the rest of his family, it seems like there's long-standing issues best observed from a distance.

[BaileyB]

On 5/11/2023 at 6:59 PM, mortensorchid said:

I am not thinking of leaving him over this, to be sure.  … but what can be done if anything?

I’m not sure that I understand the problem here? His mom is in need and receiving good care. Your boyfriend will make his peace with the decision. His brother is absent but, you can’t control that. So, what do you do? You and your boyfriend can visit his mom. You love and support your boyfriend. 

Edited May 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[Els]

Offer to go with him to visit her?

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Both of my parents were in nursing homes when they died and my brother was in a nursing home and my sister is in a nursing home. We were able to put our parents in a great assistant living apartment for three years before they needed even more help. 

But funny: guilt? I don't remember guilt over all this. I remember terror. It was clear that putting these folks in a nursing home was required. They couldn't eat and cook, couldn't remember to take meds, had trouble going to the bathroom, definitely couldn't pay bills and manage financials, couldn't drive anymore ... had multiple devastating conditions, like Parkinson's and dementia and heart disease and on and on--at the same time!  

Other than being a wealthy family, a nursing home is the only option when people cannot take care of themselves. There are families that hire a young person in the family to take care of grandma. Medicare is shifting its rules to pay families to keep people at home. But what if the person needs help going to the bathroom--every time--and is incontinent ... and you have to monitor their conditions, bp and so on, that gets to be too much for a family. There is also a visiting nurse shortage right now. 

Now there are good nursing homes and not so good. The goal is to find a really good place and bf can channel his guilt into visiting her often. 

 

Feeling guilt may be your bf's way of avoiding the direct grief of his mother ailing and getting closer to death. He's doing the kid-fantasy move of blaming himself instead of feeling the sadness.  What helped me and my siblings avoid these guilt feelings is that we were in strong agreement that we needed to move our parents. Your bf may be missing family support--that would likely kill the grief. 

On the brother not doing much, that's typical in families. There is no sweet fair division of labor. Women (daughters) tend to do more caretaking than the men and have quiet rage about it (even when they deny it). If you're close to the parents, I think you do more care. Caretaking (I'm including visits here to a nursing home) requires getting in someone's intimate space. So the ailing parent doesn't really want the distant kid in their space like that. There is never a "fair" division of caretaking. 

Tip to you: you don't need to cheer him up. Just repeat his words about how bad he feels ... Yeah, that's so hard for you. You wanna be a good son, and you see her in pain.  And give him a hug. So sorry and hug. Repeat! You don't need to try to fix his mood--that actually backfires, doesn't help him feel better. And he has to then take care of you, because he doesn't want to tell you that those optimistic words aren't helpful.  

Just give him verbal and emotional hugs. He'll feel your compassion and your compassion helps him have compassion for himself. He will feel less isolated. He feels shored up by closeness to you. He stops feeling like a freak or that that the universe has coldly picked on him. His cortisol levels decline. His fear and anxiety decline and he will have good strength to go forward day to day. And you and him also should just continue to have fun.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

No one wants to have to make difficult decisions like this, especially when it involves someone they care about. It sounds like he really is doing the best he can for his mother under the circumstances. He had to weigh the risks of her going into a nursing home against the risks of her staying at home. He also had to consider not only the physical and emotional needs of his mother, but also the financial resources available to him.

I took my Mother in during a very difficult period in her life. Despite the difficulties, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Although it was not without its challenges.

I like the idea of visiting his mother and I trust that your boyfriend will find a way and build a support system for himself. Perhaps there are other family members who can provide emotional support? Friends, cousins, etc.? It doesn't have to be all on him. A number of resources are available for providing him with additional assistance if he needs it, including support groups for children of Aging Parents.

Talking to other people can help to lighten the load.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't know your bf's finances, but there are these workers called geriatric care managers. People hire them to monitor the health of the parent when they live out of town. The geriatric care managers are usually RN's. I hired one for my sister for about 6 months because I wanted to be sure she was getting good care at her nursing home. I couldn't really determine that. 

Just an option for more support. Their prices range, but they do cost. 

[mortensorchid]

There is nothing I can or can't do in order to make these things better, for him or anyone else.  These are very difficult situations to be a part of and this is how it has to be with this.  It has nothing to do with me of course, but I just stand by and tell him that he's done the right thing and she's being cared for.  

I offered if he wanted me to meet her but she is suffering from dementia.  He had a gf he was with on and off for about 15 years (no really) and he said she will probably think I am her but she has gotten taller.  Ha ha ha...

[Lotsgoingon]

Seeing dementia in a parent is so hard. Positively disorienting and frightening. 

Sounds like you are doing all you can do. Are you guys able to go out and be romantic with each other during this period? 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I have had a few members myself have to be forced into a Nursing facility.  It is never easy.  If you want to be a partner for him and continue your Relationship,  Be supportive and his rock that he needs.  And if anything ever would happen in your own life that would require him to do the Same, I am betting he would be there in a heartbeat.  He appears to have  a Heart of Gold.  Now is the time to work together as a team.😉

Edited May 23, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23