Pornography. I bet we've all heard that one before!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I recently found the most wonderful guy, and we've been dating for a month and a bit. Our relationship is nothing short of perfect, except for one issue--pornography. We don't agree at all. He wants to watch it, and thinks nothing of it, and doesn't seem to understand why it hurts me. He tells me I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, and the only girls he needs, but why, then, does he need naked girls on his computer screen?

 

A lot of people tell me it's healthy for a guy to watch pornography in realtionships, to be turned on by these other women. But to me, it's just the same as voyeurism--which my boyfriend absolutely opposes.

 

Basically, I don't see how I am supposed to be fine with my boyfriend being aroused by women with fake tans, plastic surgery, and too much makeup. I don't want this to become a big issue, because our relationship is perfect otherwise.

[glittergurl]

You're right, we've all heard that one before.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Thanks for your intelligent insight!

[d'Arthez]

Given that he watches it on the computer, realize that the "women" are just pixels. And nothing more.

Are you forgetting the distinction between fantasy and reality? It is fake. Just stimulation material, and nothing more. It has little to do with the real thing.

And be honest, he cannot expect you to be his erotic slave (it is probably a bit too extreme for him and you), for 24/7. He cannot demand of you that you are in the mood 24/7.

 

Would you not mind if your boyfriend would forbid you to watch anything close to romantic movies, because basically they fulfill a similar function for you? Of course it is not the sex. But the ideal of romance, which supposedly is what all women long for - just as supposedly all men long for sex on a continuous basis. I doubt you would put up with that. Because that would suddenly be "unreasonable".

[downcydeguy]

All men like porn. It doesn't matter if he's single or not - he will want to look at porn. He isn't turned on by the women themselves, it's the ACT that he enjoys. I can assure you that he watches it thinking about YOU being that girl.

 

Have YOU ever tried to sit and watch it with him? My recent ex wanted to try it one time and ended up getting really turned on. We watched it together a number of times throughout the relationship.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

downcydeguy: I watched porn with my ex and it was the most un-erotic thing ever. I was laughing all the way through, and my laughing made him laugh, and good times were had by all. I wouldn't mind doing it again, but not for the sake of him/me/us getting turned on, only for comedy.

 

d'Arthez: Why would my boyfriend need a 24-hour sex slave? He goes to college, he has a job. And even if he didn't, I'm sure the most sex-obsessed of men need to sleep sometimes, and thus do not need a 24-hour slave! And yes, I realize you were trying to analogize, but it doesn't really work. Our realtionship is pretty much like a romantic movie anyhow, so he has no need to be jealous of Hollywood. And there is no porn invloved!

[Art_Critic]

I'm with everyone on this one.. Guys like porn and it doesn't mean we don't love you..

 

There are 235 seperate threads about porn on LS

 

here are a few of them

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74451

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68608

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62407

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45517

[glittergurl]

downcydeguy: I watched porn with my ex and it was the most un-erotic thing ever. I was laughing all the way through, and my laughing made him laugh, and good times were had by all. I wouldn't mind doing it again, but not for the sake of him/me/us getting turned on, only for comedy.

 

d'Arthez: Why would my boyfriend need a 24-hour sex slave? He goes to college, he has a job. And even if he didn't, I'm sure the most sex-obsessed of men need to sleep sometimes, and thus do not need a 24-hour slave! And yes, I realize you were trying to analogize, but it doesn't really work. Our realtionship is pretty much like a romantic movie anyhow, so he has no need to be jealous of Hollywood. And there is no porn invloved!

 

Jee, get over it already. Do you realize this is not even a problem? When you browse through the forum, you'll read so many f?cked up stories about couples; you'll realize that him watching porn should really be the least of your worries.

 

Sorry, I sound harsh, I know.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Well I think my problem is unique from those ones, because we're not married, he doesn't have a "porn addiction," and I can type well.

 

I don't know. We've talked about this before, and I let it go for a while, but I recently read an article that said watching porn desentisizes people to actual, physical intimacy. And that's a little scary. So that's why I talk about it here and now!

[Art_Critic]

Your trying to recreate the wheel ..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72604

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t51874

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73356

 

These are about boyfriends that watch porn .. There are 48 seperate threads specific to bfs..

 

If your BF is sexualy performing with you then there isn't a problem.

You'll see that porn is something that is part of life and because he watches it doesn't mean that you don't trip his trigger.. He just likes porn

 

Just curious.. I was reading your other posts and noticed that you mentioned your are a virgin.. Are you sexually active with your BF ?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

My trying to recreate the wheel?

 

I don't imagine there are many threads about guys complaining about their girlfriends watching poen. If there is even one, and you find it, I'll give you a birthday hat.

[makaze]

I've been there. Felt the same, word for word.

 

You basically tell him it upsets you and why it upsets you. If he can't promise to stop, and you can't deal with it, it just won't work with him no matter how perfect everything else seems because trust me, you won't be able to stop thinking about it and it will slowly ruin everything.

 

The more stuff you read on message boards and the internet in general regarding this topic, the worse it seems. Everytime you read someone justifying his actions, you won't be able to see from their viewpoint (after trying) and everytime someone agrees with you it will only make you more frustrated about the issue, and in need of doing something about it quick.

 

So yes, just talk with him. I'm sure he wouldn't particularly like to imagine you getting off on hot guys and keeping a few gigs of them on your computer or something. I wouldn't have a problem if my boyfriend asked me to stop lusting after naked guys cause I wouldn't be doing that in the first place anyway. And I don't buy the whole men are different than women excuse, which regardless of whether it's true or not (and it's true), doesn't mean men are simply allowed to act differently in a relationship, while hurting the girl, just because nature makes it so.

 

Woah have I written too much. I need to go to bed.

[glittergurl]

What are you talking about? This is about you -the girlfriend- complaining about him -the boyfriend- watching porn, right?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

glittergurl: I meant to say guys don't complain about girls watching porn. Did I say that? Hmm.

 

makaze: Ahah, you are so right about the message board thing. It seems a bit hypocritical to me, because I asked my boyfirned--hypothetically, just so he could feel how I felt--if I would be allowed to voyeur it up with two men having sex or just one man being naked or something, and he said absolutely not, he wouldn't be comfortable with it. But it's exactly the same to me. It seems like hypocrisy.

[Craig]

You are beating a dead horse and unless your bf's life is disrupted by porn it isn't an issue and it's you not him.

 

Personally I don't have any porn but have a very vivid imagination. Guys are visual tend to watch porn and notice other women. It is human nature and doesn't have anything to do with you being inadequate.

[Outcast]

It is not about you. It is not about being 'unfaithful' to you. Maybe it is about voyeurism but so what. If you are so morally restricted that you think it is all right to impose your tastes and beliefs on someone else, then let this guy go. He can find plenty of open-minded women who are not insecure about this.

[makaze]

Well he certainly is a hypocrite then, and it's most likely because society makes guys think one is okay cause it's just part of 'being a guy' while vice-versa it is unheard of.

 

Personally, I don't think I could be able to stand it for any longer- I would tell him what I'd *like* him to do and make him understand that it's just the same the other way around [and most people don't really need to be given explanations for such obvious things, but okay]. And yes, I would expect him not to lie about it.

 

The only thing however, is that you've been together for somewhat over a month and I'm not sure how seriously you [both] take the relationship. After one month of dating my current boyfriend, I didn't expect him to give up anything for me, nor did I feel that way about him- we were still kind of 'disconnected' and it felt very inappropriate to discuss each other's privacy.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I don't expect him to give him up. I told him as much. But I expect him to understand why it bothers me, and not just assume it's okay, becuse (like you said) society has let it become the norm.

[Craig]

So we can agree that men are different than women and that it's natural for men to use visual props to assist their intrapersonal sexual adventures but some women want to control their men to such an extent that it kills the man they fell in love with. The porn, not the relationship, becomes the issue and in time the relationship dies a slow death not from anything wrong with the relationship but because of a womans insecurity about porn.

 

Why not focus on something important like character, honesty, integrity, responsibility for oneself? But no you have to focus on something that is as natural as peeing and try to change millions of years of evolution with a moment of your disapproval.

 

Here's a fact about men--every single heterosexual man fantasizes about having sex with some body other than their partner at times. It's a fantasy, not reality and given the chance to have sex with their fantasy girl I think the minority of men would go for it if they're in a relationship and not cheaters already. Guys don't think about the emotional side of a sexual fantasy, they're goal is to have an orgasm. Having orgasms for guys is very very healthy, they should have at least 20 orgasms per month because it dramatically reduces their chances for prostate cancer.

[glittergurl]

I don't know whether my husband watches it, and I could care less. It's his own fantasy life, and I don't think it's healthy to know about 100% of your partner's fantasies. Why bother? If you live with him, have a perfect relationship like you seem to say, and that sex is good, then I really don't see the problem. I would understand if maybe he started neglecting you, but it's not even the case.

[makaze]

I don't expect him to give him up. I told him as much. But I expect him to understand why it bothers me, and not just assume it's okay, becuse (like you said) society has let it become the norm.

 

That's good of you. Things will likely work out like that, as long as you can openly talk about it in the future as well.

 

I don't get these people who come into these types of threads about a certain problem and start talking about how this 'problem' doesn't bother them so it shouldn't bother anyone.

[mini696]

Well if my GF watched porn, I would hope it gives her some ideas on things to try.

 

"Hey Mick, I was just watching this movie and I saw this.... wanna try something"

 

*Mick collapses as the blood rushes from his head*

 

Porn for a fella (especially when in a relationship) is usually only a stimulation thing... We arent in love with these girls... I am actually thinking about my GF when I'm looking at the picture, and also trying to find ones that look like her.

[Outcast]

The parallel is jealousy - actually it's all part of jealousy. And jealousy is generally an unreasonable, unfair emotion. It accuses people of 'cheating' who would never dream of it. So for the person who holds the irrational belief based on no facts to demand that the person who is not doing the thing they're acused of stop doing the thing they're not doing is just unfair.

 

He tells me I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, and the only girls he needs, but why, then, does he need naked girls on his computer screen?

 

Basically, I don't see how I am supposed to be fine with my boyfriend being aroused by women with fake tans, plastic surgery, and too much makeup.

 

Bottom line is that this is about you being insecure and jealous and worrying that he likes them better than you.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

But no you have to focus on something that is as natural as peeing and try to change millions of years of evolution with a moment of your disapproval.

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that visual porn was around for millions of years. I wasn't even aware that computers were!

 

Saying that "every guy fantaszes about having sex with a woman other than his partner" is about as ignorant as saying "every guys cheats." Just because you do it, or your friends do it, don't generalize for the other 2.9 billion guys that live on this planet.

 

Porn is not "natural" just because society tell you it is. Don't be a tool.

[Craig]

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that visual porn was around for millions of years. I wasn't even aware that computers were!

 

Saying that "every guy fantaszes about having sex with a woman other than his partner" is about as ignorant as saying "every guys cheats." Just because you do it, or your friends do it, don't generalize for the other 2.9 billion guys that live on this planet.

 

Porn is not "natural" just because society tell you it is. Don't be a tool.

The oldest visual porn that I'm aware of is from an archaeological dig in Leipzig, Germany that is 7,200 years old and made of clay.

 

The ancient Greeks and Romans had porn on some of their oil lamps. There are many examples of ancient pornography do some research.

 

One doesn't require a computer to have porn. Before the computer was film. Before film were drawings, paintings and sculpture.

 

Alfred C. Kinsey reported that fantasy accompanied masturbation for virtually all males.

 

And from: http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Sex/sexpsych/sexual_fantasies/male_sexual_fantasies.htm

 

Bearing in mind there is always that scope for individual variety, here are some almost universal truths about men that women most often fail to understand:

 

• Men daydream about sex with various partners and in various situations.
  
• Men masturbate while indulging these fantasies.
  
• Men add spice to lovemaking by fantasizing about someone other than the current sexual partner.
  
• The same men who use sex to express love can and will use sex manipulatively and for no other reason than for sex itself.
  

 

You have your point of view and that is of a woman. Being a woman you can never have the experience of a man but you can open your mind to learn about the differences between the sexes and either accept them or reject them and the other sex.