My Boyfriend is best friends with his old crush.

[zipadee]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now and things between us are amazing, we have the most ideal relationship I honestly ever could have imagined. We are very deeply in love.

Going to cut to the chase here.

My boyfriend and I are both jealous-types.

When we started dating I told him that I usually only have male friends because I don't usually get along with females as well as males. That may sound ridiculous but that's just me. Now, I've heard many, many times before that men and women cannot be just friends. Given that I've had many friendships with men over the years, I believe this is true, there is always some sort of romantic possibility present in the relationship. So when we started dating, he said that he would prefer if I didn't have male friends, later on he clarified and said he would prefer if I didn't make new male friends after entering the relationship.

The thing is he has a female friend, let's say her name is C, and in the beginning he was kind of nervous about bringing her up, and he said he didn't plan on hanging out with her nearly as much, that he would be spending most of his time with me, and that if I was uncomfortable with her, he would stop hanging out with her. He also said he didn't plan on hanging out with her or any other female friends alone, that I would always be present there with him so that there wouldn't be any doubt in my mind. I was completely fine with this because I was like, oh I mean I totally understand, you're allowed to have female friends and I appreciate that you don't want to cast doubt into my mind.

I met C and thought she was really cool, didn't feel threatened by her at all. Later on, my boyfriend and I went out to an event where C was there, she was dressed up and my boyfriend looked at her in the nervous sort of (I like you) way that he did when he first met me. I could tell from how she was looking at him that she had probably rejected him in the past. Of course none of this was discussed openly. At the time it made me slightly uncomfortable but I just kind of ignored it and thought to myself, well he's with me so whatever happened there, it isn't going on now.

A couple months later, we had a dispute over jealousy, this had nothing to do with her, and I didn't feel threatened by her. He said that he met her because he approached her out of romantic interest, basically he wanted to ask her out. Then I think they were friends or something (the timeline is unclear) and basically they discussed the possibility of dating but she told him that she only saw him as a friend and didn't want to ruin their friendship because of some short-lived relationship. That was 2 years ago.

The problem is that now, everytime I see her, all I think is, he used to like her. Also, because of how he was nervous around her at the event before, I have to wonder if he still is holding out for her. Because I've known a lot of guys, and I would think that most of them would say that if a guy remains friends with an old crush, it's probably because he's staying in the friendzone in the hopes that one day she'll like him back. So this whole time he's been wanting me and her to become close friends (because I moved to a new country so I don't have many friends here). He's very religious and he's been talking about plans to marry me during the majority of our relationship. He also worries about me spiritually, so because of that he asked if I was willing to get baptized and I said yes. She's the only person he knows who can baptize me, so we had made plans before this for her to baptize me.

So as of now, I've told him that I'm fine with it and I understand etc, etc, but I'm really uncomfortable and don't know what to think anymore. To me, I have to wonder how much of their friendship is him still being attracted to her. I'm willing to not have any male friends for him, but it feels unfair that his old crush is his best friend and that I'm supposed to be friends with her, and she's supposed to become my godmother.

Would really appreciate any advice on how to handle this, he sort of offered to not speak to her anymore, but I said no, no continue to be friends, I only said this because I know that if I restrict him like that, it will lead to resentment.

Edited May 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal information from title

[JTSW]

Honestly, I have no idea why you are worried.

You are both so in love and he says he wants to marry you.

He's offered to not talk to certain people if it makes you uncomfortable.

He has made you his no 1 priority.

If you want this relationship to continue smooth sailing then you have to be 100% honest with him.

Keeping things bottled up will only make it worse down the line.

[Alpacalia]

It's hard to say from a distance but generally speaking you cannot (and shouldn't try to) keep your partner from everyone they might find (or once found) attractive. It's normal to encounter numerous individuals daily, some of whom may click with us. Being in a relationship means choosing to be with someone, not entirely abstaining from finding others attractive.

When faced with such situations, I try to remind myself that I cannot dictate my partner's attraction or crushes. If they act on them, then the relationship cannot continue. It's not a type of relationship I desire to force my partner to abandon connections in their life. That is not to say I don't have insecure feelings. I indeed do.

I think the initial feeling of uneasiness about his former crush being your godmother and his desire that the two of you maintain a close friendship is pretty normal. Are you comfortable with this arrangement, or is your boyfriend pressuring you into it? If you're uncomfortable, speak to your boyfriend about your concerns and let him know how you feel. Explain that you need reassurance that his feelings towards his former crush are a thing of the past and that his intentions are genuine.

Edited May 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, zipadee said:

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now and things between us are amazing, we have the most ideal relationship I honestly ever could have imagined.

So you say this, and then go on to describe a significantly less than ideal relationship. 
 

First of both of you being the “jealous type” is a massive red flag. If your insecurities run so deep that jealousy is part of your personality, it’s time for therapy and don’t have any relationships until it’s sorted. Secondly, every woman I’ve met who has only or even a majority of friends being men has been pretty messed up. A couple of men as friends isn’t a big deal. Only men as friends - yeah that a problem. 
 

Having a man concerned about your spirituality at 5 months and wanting to baptize you is also a massive red flag. He’s already trying to change you into something he wants rather than just accepting you as you are. And you being fine with it, believe it or not, doesn’t bode well. You should be able to assert a boundary here. 
 

The least I’d your worries really is this girl. Not saying it’s a total nothingburger, but there are so many other reasons to end this relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, zipadee said:

He also worries about me spiritually, so because of that he asked if I was willing to get baptized and I said yes

After just 5 months? I would not agree to this. You haven't been together long enough to change your entire belief system. Be wary of guys who want to change who you are to suit them. 

I agree with @Weezy1973 that the woman he used to like actually isn't the biggest issue in your relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, zipadee said:

 he asked if I was willing to get baptized and I said yes. She's the only person he knows who can baptize me, so we had made plans before this for her to baptize me. I'm supposed to be friends with her, and she's supposed to become my godmother.

You've only been dating 20 weeks. How old is he? Are you working? In touch with trusted friends and family?

This is way too much future talk way to soon. There are also several red flags such as jealousy, possessiveness, a double standard (he has female friends), attempts to isolate and brainwash you into thinking his crush is going to be "your godmother"?

The most disturbing part is trying to convert you and supposedly this crush of his "baptizing" you? Is this a real religion with real church officials? Unfortunately it seems like you're being recruited into a cult.

Please do not isolate yourself from friends and family. Tell them what's going on. Do not talk about the future and do not go along with whatever this ritual is.

Edited May 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

You are in a relationship with someone who is involved in something close to a cult. Only a very narrow-minded, cult-like sect would be talking about baptizing you at 5 months. Your bf is treating you like an object that needs to be shaved and sanded and polished and placed into a preset hole in a wall--which is the way cults treat their members and new recruits. 

I once got infatuated with a woman who was in a cult of sorts. I didn't pay much attention when at the end of our very good first date she calmly mentioned church and invited me to her church. Hmmmm .... I did notice when I met her at the movies, and she introduced me to a woman church member who was going to accompany us! Turns out, her church had a rule that any date with someone outside the church had to be chaperoned. That brought me out of denial but oh man, was that painful. 

Now back to you: Talking about baptism at 5 months is arrogant and presumptuous and completely dismissive of you as an individual and dismissive of you as someone who has value and worth outside of his (and his friend's) peculiar highly judgmental religious faith. Good groups of all types, including good religious groups, don't feel the need to pressure or persuade you to join them. The best groups don't even think that their way is the best for everyone. 

The weirdness you sensed with your bf and this woman--that sounds really on the money. There are all sorts of weird ways to stay close to a crush who has rejected us. One is to find a substitute gf and continue in the cult with the person you have the real crush on. 

On the issue of partners having friends, you do NOT want to avoid hanging out with a good male friend of the because of a partner's jealousy. That is not good reason to dump a friend.  Friends can make us stronger and help us through rough points in our romantic relationships. 

If the friend is worthy and you've know them and been close to them and gotten good support and encouragement from them, and if you and the friend have healthy interactions with good boundaries, you do NOT drop them because a partner is jealous. You keep the good friend and you dump the partner. You find a partner who is not suffocatingly jealous.

Pulling people away from friends is what cults do--along with violent spouse abusers. They cut your outside lines of support, they limit your ability to get new and fresh ideas, and they tighten their hold on you. 

Get out. 

Edited May 12, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Secondly, every woman I’ve met who has only or even a majority of friends being men has been pretty messed up. A couple of men as friends isn’t a big deal. Only men as friends - yeah that a problem. 

Yes, anytime someone has little if any friends of the same sex and mostly friends of the opposite sex it tends to be a bit of a red flag.

What does your boyfriend mean when he says he wants you to become more spiritual? Is baptism something you'd like to do?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

To be honest, I feel he still holds some sort of spark for her.  So Yes, When he does see her it probably ignites something in him.  And the friendship they have maintained apparently is light and not sweet.  She appears to have no feelings or they would be dating.  Not you and him.  I believe he has moved on  and with finding You, He is even planning a lovely life with you.  I see you need to meet a certain criteria with his religion and if you are sure you can accept This, Then it should be a Match Made in Heaven.  As far as him hanging out with Her, I feel it is best for all three of you to hang out and maybe she can even find someone to bring to make it a foursome to go on a double date with.  Talk it over some more so no toes are stepped on.   Other than That, I don't see much of  a 🙂problem here.

Edited May 26, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[smackie9]

Don't let "Being so in love" hold you hostage, meaning don't let his belief system take over your life because that's what it takes to be with him. Be true to yourself, and acknowledge the dangers of getting involve with such a religion/brainwashing. You are here for a reason....your subconscious is screaming at you to get out of this situation, and you need help to listen to reason. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You have only been a couple for 5 months so this relationship is new.  And apparently with C, He and Her have His and Her History.  I am not trying to think that secretly years Ago, They ended up sleeping together.  However, He may be crushing still on her.  Something is up.  They appear real close.  And the way he still looks at her.  One  would need to wonder.  I would.  I'd also feel uncomfy with all of this.  My advice, As time goes on with Nurturing and Nourishing your Relationship, Maybe it might be good to put your own  "Set Boundaries" More into this.  Also, Don't commit spiritually unless you really mean this in your heart and are willing to commit.  That won't fix your relationship in any sense 😐of the word.  It just causes more problems down the road.

[stillafool]

On 5/12/2023 at 7:58 AM, zipadee said:

I'm willing to not have any male friends for him, but it feels unfair that his old crush is his best friend and that I'm supposed to be friends with her, and she's supposed to become my godmother.

Why would you agree to not see any male friends while allowing him to be best friends with a woman?  Why and how does she become your godmother?

On 5/12/2023 at 7:58 AM, zipadee said:

She's the only person he knows who can baptize me, so we had made plans before this for her to baptize me.

Why is she the only person he knows who can baptize you?  If he's so religious doesn't he go to a church or know clergy who can do this?  What qualifies her?

[glows]

There’s nothing wrong with being baptized but surely she can’t be the last woman on earth to do the job. I don’t know what faith this is but look around and check out the values, beliefs, community before committing to anything. Don’t feel pressured to do it because everyone else in connection to your bf is doing it or to impress him. 

I don’t see what’s wrong either with being honest that you’re not comfortable with her friendship. Either you like it or you don’t. And leaving him should not be an impossibility either if you’re incompatible.

He used to have feelings for her and is still self-conscious around her. I would wonder if he has enough boundaries to keep a friendship like that and also wonder if there’s some part of him that looks up to her or continues to have a crush on her because she holds some leadership position being able to baptize and so on. Maybe she holds a prominent position and he’s in awe. You should know what the dynamics are before signing up for anything.

I’m a godmother to a few… not particularly sure why as I’m not much of a traditionalist in my faith. Isn’t there another family member or someone else of your choosing who can step into that role? It’s not a huge deal in the Catholic faith but find out what it means for this group. If you’re not comfortable just say no. 

If he feels so strongly for you I’m sure he’d be willing to hear you out. 

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

There are a lot of issues here.  The major ones are:  "Jealous Types."  This is a problem.  Both of you need to get to the bottom of this and get clear of it.  Jealousy really has no place in a healthy mature relationship.

You "get along better with males."  I find it to be a red flag when a woman identifies herself like this.   Not liking women points to not liking oneself,  and / or possibly seeking to be in a "power" position with sexual attraction when in a friendship.  This can happen with male friends, and not with (straight) female ones.  Why do you think you feel this way?

Last and certainly not least - you're talking about how he wants you to be baptized, and whether it's an issue to have this woman do it.  Well, of course, it's ridiculous to entertain the idea that only this one person can do this ritual.   That's simply not true.

More importantly, though, is the fact that you haven't even mentioned the religious practice you will be joining once.  This is all about you and your boyfriend's (immature) jealousy issues and how every time you see C you have to deal with this.   If you're talking about being baptized, you need to be thinking about the religion you are joining.  What are you signing up for, why are you drawn to it, etc.  It's a huge commitment.  But, you're just worried about whether your boyfriend has a crush on the minister. 

You two have a great deal of growing up to do.  

[Alvino Martins]

Hey there! The way you're describing it makes me think there might still be some feelings there, you know? It's important not to bottle this up and communicate about it. Let him know how you're feeling and ask for some clarity. It's totally fair to have concerns, especially when it comes to friendships with past crushes. Open and honest conversations can help ease your discomfort and bring you both closer. And remember, trust is key in any relationship.

[Jesslyn]

On 5/13/2023 at 1:08 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

You are in a relationship with someone who is involved in something close to a cult. Only a very narrow-minded, cult-like sect would be talking about baptizing you at 5 months. Your bf is treating you like an object that needs to be shaved and sanded and polished and placed into a preset hole in a wall--which is the way cults treat their members and new recruits. 

I once got infatuated with a woman who was in a cult of sorts. I didn't pay much attention when at the end of our very good first date she calmly mentioned church and invited me to her church. Hmmmm .... I did notice when I met her at the movies, and she introduced me to a woman church member who was going to accompany us! Turns out, her church had a rule that any date with someone outside the church had to be chaperoned. That brought me out of denial but oh man, was that painful. 

Now back to you: Talking about baptism at 5 months is arrogant and presumptuous and completely dismissive of you as an individual and dismissive of you as someone who has value and worth outside of his (and his friend's) peculiar highly judgmental religious faith. Good groups of all types, including good religious groups, don't feel the need to pressure or persuade you to join them. The best groups don't even think that their way is the best for everyone. 

The weirdness you sensed with your bf and this woman--that sounds really on the money. There are all sorts of weird ways to stay close to a crush who has rejected us. One is to find a substitute gf and continue in the cult with the person you have the real crush on. 

On the issue of partners having friends, you do NOT want to avoid hanging out with a good male friend of the because of a partner's jealousy. That is not good reason to dump a friend.  Friends can make us stronger and help us through rough points in our romantic relationships. 

If the friend is worthy and you've know them and been close to them and gotten good support and encouragement from them, and if you and the friend have healthy interactions with good boundaries, you do NOT drop them because a partner is jealous. You keep the good friend and you dump the partner. You find a partner who is not suffocatingly jealous.

Pulling people away from friends is what cults do--along with violent spouse abusers. They cut your outside lines of support, they limit your ability to get new and fresh ideas, and they tighten their hold on you. 

Get out. 

It's truly frightening to hear such a story, and it's absolutely inhumane. I completely agree that situations like this emphasize the importance of clarifying and discussing everything when there are doubts or concerns. It's crucial to prioritize individual value, worth, and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.