Boss affair/ feel so sick. Need advice please

[Miniboo]

Hi guys can anyone offer me some advice please.

I have been married for 12 years, it was an arrange marriage. About 2 years ago, my husband left me and we was separated for some time.

my marriage and mental health was very bad at the time, when my husband left I found a job as I was struggling with money.

soon as I started the job , I found my boss very sleazy, he would touch me legs, hold my hands etc.

I would move his hands, soon as he touched me. At the time I started the job, I was very depressed and vulnerable let’s say.

my boss didn’t give up, even said we could be more than friends and told me that he finds me attractive etc.

I said to him, I am still married at the end of the day and I don’t want a relationship with you.

Even though I found him sleazy in the beginning, I started to like him.
He would offer me good advice, mentor me etc
Things escalated between us physically, even though most of the times I used to say no, we would still end up doing things.

He would drop me off home and we would chat in the car for ages.

He told me if he wanted sex only, he could get it easily from other women and he swore on his kids lives that he has never had sex with anyone else apart from his wife since he’s been married.

 

I’ve never seen him out of work hours, we don’t text or call. In the beginning he used to call me.
Anyway yesterday I spoke to my colleague for the first time and she told me that when she started working 8 years ago.

He even tried it on with her,  and one time touched her and she was going to gather evidence to sue him I think.

but she didn’t go ahead with it.

After that incident he never touched her again.

she said to me just because he swore on his kids life he hasn’t slept around, does not mean he ain’t asked people for blow jobs or something.

my colleague even mentioned that, when he interviewed her years ago, asked if she could give him a massage and he asked me the same thing.

 

anyway I knew he was a pervert, but I actually thought he liked me.

so you’re telling me this man faked everything for two years.

Even some of the other workers commented that my boss likes me and has changed, so much more happier since I started working there .

you know how you can just tell from someone’s eyes..

I confided in him, he knew how much trust issues I had with men and how hurt I was.

I’ve always been broken, but we had some good times.

so everything was fake.

my colleague told me this information, this week and I won’t see my boss until next week.

I want to quit work asap,

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Miniboo said:

  I knew he was a pervert, 

I want to quit work asap,

Sorry this happened. You're correct that he's a sleazeball. Definitely find another job and resign as soon as you have another position. 

He obviously preys on vulnerable women. It's definitely sexual harassment, but leaving asap is a better option.

Are you still married or separated?  

[Miniboo]

I am married my husband came back, he left me without telling me when he did leave and that messed me up.

i pay half of the bills, he doesn’t give me pocket money or anything.

hence why I am working, my marriage is toxic.

but I can’t leave, not until my child is older.

it already affected him so much when his dad just left out the blue.

My husband was the only person I’ve been sexual with, and I’m stupid for trusting my boss.

I’m a smoker, he tells me to quit. One time I got really sick, he offered to take me hospital.

so why did he act like he care so much ?

and the fact I said to him I can never kiss someone if I don’t love them 

and after him chasing me, ended up kissing him.

So he’s got me where he wants.

it’s not even that, on my days off work: he said wants to know where I’ve been. He gets jealous if I’m speaking to another man.

He knew how much I hated men, always said I don’t want to get used.

so many times when he was trying ti get close with me .

I said to him, don’t you feel guilty. You have a wife

anyway I’m just a knob, I thought maybe he loved me or liked me at least.

 

[mark clemson]

24 minutes ago, Miniboo said:

I’m a smoker, he tells me to quit. One time I got really sick, he offered to take me hospital.  so why did he act like he care so much ?

and the fact I said to him I can never kiss someone if I don’t love them

Both men and women can have conflicting and seeming contradictory impulses and behaviors. For example, many men can "have feelings" for someone but also be perfectly happy to have sex with someone else if it's offered. So he probably did "like you".

That said, what your boss is doing is (obviously) completely inappropriate for the workplace. I don't think I'd ever let myself get into a situation like this (and I'm male so there is that as well) BUT, if I did I'd strongly consider finding another job. That seems like the most straightforward path.

Reporting him to HR is another option, but IMO in the real world doing that often results in significant "blowback" + you did consensually engage with him at times, so don't know, you'd have to consider that option quite carefully.

Continuing at the job while rebuffing any further advances from him is a 3rd option, but might be tricky as he seemingly feels he has free rein to do stuff like this and so he might try to reel you back in (and possibly take some negative actions against you if you don't play along). Also being around him seems to make you miserable...

Life eventually teaches many of us to be wary of "red flags" so hopefully you've learned enough from this to find ways to shut down any similar situations that might develop in the future.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Miniboo said:

Even some of the other workers commented that my boss likes me and has changed, so much more happier since I started working there .

you know how you can just tell from someone’s eyes..

People don’t change their character in this way. He is the office sleaze - and your relationship is the topic of office gossip. None of this is good. 

2 hours ago, Miniboo said:

I want to quit work asap,

You have three choices - continue as you have been, go to HR and tell them that your boss has sexually harassed you, or look for a new job. 

Good luck.

[Miniboo]

I am looking for another job, I have been for a long time.

This was convenient for me, I won’t be going to HR.

on my occasions I stop him, like two weeks ago. I kept pushing him away. He doesn’t understand no and says you allow me sometimes.

yes I know that’s [messed] up, I let my guard down.

Some days when I went to work upset, he would calm me down and even say to me don’t show others your weaknesses. Don’t cry in front of others. He used to to say to me that because of him I’m mentally stronger than I was before I started the job.

Really showed he cared, I know it sounds crazy but would kiss me forehead.

which I thought meant something 

Edited May 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[MsJayne]

He's an unsavoury character and possibly a sociopath. He preyed on you when he knew you were vulnerable, (sleazebags can smell vulnerability at 50 paces), and because you've made yourself unavailable you're now a challenge to him. Kissing you on the forehead, yes, that's an act of affection, but in his case it's fake. Telling you that he's made you "mentally stronger" - oh please! That's classic manipulation intended to create attachment and dependency. 

1 hour ago, Miniboo said:

He doesn’t understand no and says you allow me sometimes

And that's more manipulation. You're not at fault here, he is. He's tried it on with other colleagues and he's been doing it for years. He needs reporting, and you can rest assured that, if you do report him, the relevant authority in your area will have heard the story a thousand times before and they know exactly what abuse of power in the workplace is, and how power imbalance is used to manipulate and control employees. It's their job. 

I hope you can find another job soon, and I hope you find the courage to rip into this scumbag and teach him a lesson. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just because he hit on someone else before you doesn't mean he doesn't really like you.

Players like him often go for people they are very attracted to and who they like. 

That's not the reason to be upset. There are other reasons this relationship is dangerous. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Miniboo said:

I have been married for 12 years, it was an arrange marriage. About 2 years ago, my husband left me and we was separated for some time.

Do you have trusted friends and family you can confide in? Is divorce allowed in your situation? Would there be repercussions if you left the marriage?  

Unfortunately you're in an abusive marriage and that is sadly, what made you vulnerable to a sleaze like this. 

Please contact an attorney for information support and advice about dissolving the marriage. Do not tell your husband.

You may be able to extricate yourself and your child from this situation and live peacefully.  You don't have to wait until your child is older. Hopefully in your jurisdiction, you'll be able to divorce and receive child support on behalf of your child.

Is it legal where you are for a husband to simply abandon you indefinitely and not allow you access to joint marital assets?

[Miniboo]

I can leave, my family supported me when he left and to be honest didn’t want me to give him another chance.

However I wanted to make it work for my child, the night before he left. He promised that he doesn’t want to leave and wants to make it work, because he loves me and not staying in this marriage for our child.

That was all bullshit, he left the next day and told me when he was on the plane.

Obviously I was broken at the time, but long story short, he came back and I let him in the house.

I can’t leave my husband, my child has already suffered too much and he loves his father sk much.

maybe one day when my son is older, I don’t see the point of leaving him. 
I don’t trust any men, rather be with him than on my own.

 

but the crazy thing is I trusted my boss and became close with him.

[Miniboo]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just because he hit on someone else before you doesn't mean he doesn't really like you.

Players like him often go for people they are very attracted to and who they like. 

That's not the reason to be upset. There are other reasons this relationship is dangerous. 

I know he’s attracted to me , when I first started work , he would always tell me how beautiful I am and I don’t know my worth etc .

but then I’ve heard he’s tried it on with so many ppl before me .

can players change ??

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Miniboo said:

 I can’t leave my husband, my child has already suffered too much and he loves his father sk much.

Please speak to your parents for help. You would be divorcing an abusive husband, not depriving your son of visitation rights. Try not to use the excuse of children as a reason to endure abusive treatment. Please read up on mental and financial abuse.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Miniboo said:

can players change ??

What has he done to demonstrate that he has any interest or is capable in any way of changing?

My friend, you are involved in not one, but two, very unhealthy relationships. What’s more, you are raising a son - what’s he learning about relationships and how a man should treat a woman by watching his parents? 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Miniboo said:

I don’t see the point of leaving him. 
I don’t trust any men, rather be with him than on my own.

Why would you rather be with an abuser than on your own?  You've said you don't even trust men so why would you want to stay with this one?  He will always be your son's father and can have visitation set up as well as child support.  Your child won't lose his father but you will lose an abuser.  What's wrong with that?

Your boss is a player.  He's playing you and will play others after you leave.  It shouldn't matter if he can change or not because he's married and not available to you anyway nor you to him.  If you do the right thing and leave your abusive husband you will have a chance to meet a free man who will geniunely love you.

[Miniboo]

Right now mentally I’m not strong to leave and financially not secure.

i know there is help available for single women, but I know I’m not in the right mind at the moment.

I don’t mind compromising for my son, I have for so long , yeah I fake it half the time and it’s taken it’s toll on me physically and mentally.

what if I leave him and I come across another man who will see my vulnerability like my boss.

For some reason, I thought my boss really genuinely likes me, I can see it in his eyes, I know I probably come across crazy.

but I just know, the affection and care he shows me. It all can’t be fake.

Gives me advice on all aspects of my life, doesn’t like it when I am talking to another male , yeah that is a bit possessive.

But after finding out the truth I feel so miserable and I’m looking for a different job.

I just think it’s best he’s out of my life, but I feel sick as I’m so attached to him.

[stillafool]

You seem to think that you need a man in your life to hold you up and provide for you because you are too weak.  You don't need your abusive husband who you must not love; because it's clear you've fallen for your boss.  You depending on men is part of what's making you feel vulnerable and keeping you from finding your strength.  There are single moms who work and go to school and spend their free time with their kids.  You don't have to have a man in your life to be happy.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Miniboo said:

what if I leave him and I come across another man who will see my vulnerability like my boss.

What if you leave, improve your own mental health, and develop your own resilience such that you are no longer vulnerable or dependent on any man?

Will he respect your “sacrifice” if you chose to stay in an unhappy marriage and he is raised in a home where his father disrespects his mother? What is your husband teaching him about being a man and a husband? And, what do you teach him by staying? 

 

Edited May 13, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

On 5/13/2023 at 3:24 AM, Miniboo said:

can players change ??

All people slowly (and sometimes rapidly) change over time. People have new experiences and get exposed to new ideas, get "burned out" on activities or no longer find them reinforcing, etc, etc. So yes, players can change, just as "goody-goody" types can sometimes become promiscuous or even, in some cases, criminals. And hardcore criminals can sometimes "turn their lives around" etc, etc...

Is it likely in his case? Probably not. He seems to have developed a pattern of hitting on the women in his work environment.

It sounds like maybe you are clinging to hope here at some level? Probably not a good idea. Clearly this "relationship" is toxic for you, and it very much sounds like you'll be happier when it ends. Then you can focus on addressing your marriage (however you choose to do that).

One thing at a time...

Edited May 15, 2023 by mark clemson

[JTSW]

On 5/13/2023 at 11:24 AM, Miniboo said:

can players change ??

No.

Please don't get involved with this man.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps it is best to find another job.  This guy is sexually harassing any girl he can get his paws on.  And made to get away with it.  Don't get involved with him anymore.  Find another job and then turn his butt in.  Perverted and unprofessional.

[glows]

On 5/13/2023 at 12:43 PM, Miniboo said:

I just think it’s best he’s out of my life, but I feel sick as I’m so attached to him.

Agree. You have the support of your family and husband, I’m assuming, since your H moved back in and is helping support the family. 

Find another job and move away from this mess at work. Work on yourself and your skills/career. Figure out something for your long term stability. Your child will not be a child forever and will eventually leave. You may choose to divorce your husband then or both go your separate ways but think long term here. 

That attachment to your boss is natural Imo. He was a convenient distraction and escape during a separation. But things have changed and so change along with it. You’ve discovered he’s not what you thought.

Plan for the future and figure things out for yourself so that you’re in better circumstances when it’s time to move on. You don’t need to keep reliving this romance with him if you believe it’s one sided and insincere. I agree with the earlier comment that you’re in two unhealthy relationships. Guess what? There’s a third you can be working on - that relationship with yourself. Use the time and resources now to get back on your feet and not be dependent on anyone to support you. 

Edited May 23, 2023 by glows

[Miniboo]

Thank you everyone that offered advice.

I spoke to my colleague and she was shocked by everything and said I think he actually cares and likes you.

yeah he tried it on before with other support workers in the past but nothing like what you two have going on.

I know he could be still playing me. Me and my boss continued to get on.

Two weeks ago we had a argument regarding the work, I started to cry.

He did apologise to me after and said he was stressed, it didn’t help that I shouted back at him too.

it escalated: even though he said sorry I was ignoring him.

he even said to me, don’t mix work relationship with the friendship we have.

I said to him that I don’t want to be your friend and maybe I did hurt his ego, he did try to kiss and hug me.

 

anyway it’s been two weeks now and it’s so awkward at work.

we are working in silence, I do want a good work relationship.

today I was going to bring it up an admit that I lashed out too and we was both stressed.

even we don’t be close as we were before, at least get on

 

i did not get the chance as he left work early and on the way out he said don’t go home early.

go on time.

before he’s never had a issue, I’ve always left a bit early.

I feel he is sulking and that very [rude] of him to say.

this week he didn’t even offer me a lift, normally he always takes me home.

last week he said he would drop me off and I said no thanks and he asked if I was meeting someone.

 

and this week one of the days I popped into the shop when I left work and he was outside looking in my direction where I am going.

 

I don’t know, worst bit is I have fallen for him and I do feel so sick and used .

I felt he liked me , but I was talking to someone and they said if he liked me he would provide me for ./

he did nothing for me .

please offer some advice 

Edited June 15, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S2B]

Stop blaming him for the bad behavior YOU participated in.

get divorced if you’re that unhappy in the marriage. You seem to have things out of order.

after you’re divorce is final - ONLY date single/available men! 

stop focusing on the sleazebag - he’s married - he’s uses women to feed HIS ego.

you’ve gotten too focused on him. Pay attention to what’s right for you.

 

Edited June 15, 2023 by S2B

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Miniboo said:

please offer some advice 

I think you need to find another job.

Your boss is not supposed to let you go home early. He’s not supposed to kiss and hug you and have sex with you. He’s not supposed to provide for you. He’s not supposed to do anything for you outside of a professional working relationship which you have blown to hell now because you thought you could have a friendship/romantic relationship with your boss.

I’m sorry to be blunt but the lesson here is never mix work with your personal life. Full stop. 

Polish up your resume and start looking for a new job… And next time, you need to keep your distance and maintain a stronger boundary with your coworkers. 

Edited June 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

He's already a married man how can he provide for you?  Provide what?  Stop talking to colleagues about your boss and your affair.  They may appear to support you; but more than likely they are gossiping about you and what's going on between you and your boss.  Your boss seems to have decided that he needs to treat you just like all the other employees before he ends up losing his job.  Crying is unprofessional if you're doing it while discussing work.  I'm sure that sent red flags flying for him and he's probably wising up to what the consequences will be if he continues on with you.  Why do you think it's okay to go home early and for him to transport you to and from work?  That is highly unprofessional unless it's a rideshare and you're paying.  Be careful because a lot of bosses have found ways to have an employee fired when they feel like their little affair has gotten out of hand and their OW wants more.