Bad first date- but was it me or him?

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I went on a first date with a guy whom I had been talking to online. He was keen to meet me. However, due to a couple of bad experiences I have had with other people on OLD, I had my walls up quite high during the date and my guard was pretty much up. As a result I don’t feel I fully ‘immersed’ myself into the date and wasn’t as engaged with it as much as he was. The conversation was good but it felt more friends-like rather than anything else.

From his side, the body language didn’t seem all that keen. There was reasonable eye contact from him but I could tell he was trying to avoid giving me too much. I’ve been on dates in the past where the man has been quite into it and not worried about giving too much eye contact. This man also didn’t close the physical distance much between us during the date and there was not one instance of either intentional or unintentional physical contact. 

At the end of the date he politely walked me to to my bus stop and waited with me for my bus to come which was good of him. (I did say to him that he didn’t have to but he said no it was fine). I followed the date with texting him “thanks for coming, it was a lovely afternoon!” and he also responded “thank you too!”.

All in all I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But I am just wondering whether me having my walls up and only giving out friend vibes to him, might have had a significant influence on the date not going too well? Or do the bad signs from his side sound like he wouldn’t have been into it much anyway, even if I had shown more romantic enthusiasm?

What’s a little odd if it were the latter, is that he did compliment me from my pictures on my online profile before we met. These pictures are all recent and not unrealistic or photoshopped or anything like that. So I’m not sure if it would be a case of him finding me physically quite different in person 🤔

Thank you in advance for your help!

Edited May 13, 2023 by babybrowns

[basil67]

I don't think it pays to over think this stuff, because you'll never really know the answer.   Yes, the walls up would definitely have had an impact, but even if you didn't have them up, it doesn't mean that he would necessarily have felt romantic vibes. 

I guess the only real takeaway from this is that if you're not feeling good about dating, give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.  

[stillafool]

I agree about giving yourself a break from dating.  When it gets to the point you're over analyzing their moves and yours it's best to take a break to get a new prospective.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

. I followed the date with texting him “thanks for coming, it was a lovely afternoon!” and he also responded “thank you too!”.

Do you want to see him again?  Many first meetings are one and done.

In this case it seems like you weren't feeling any chemistry. That's ok.

If he asks you out again you could either see if another meeting is less awkward or simply tell him you're not a match.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

However, due to a couple of bad experiences I have had with other people on OLD, I had my walls up quite high during the date and my guard was pretty much up. As a result I don’t feel I fully ‘immersed’ myself into the date and wasn’t as engaged with it as much as he was.

I think you already answered your own question here. ^

The date was unlikely to go well due to your approach.  He probably sensed that you were hard to read, hard to get close to, and he kind of mirrored your energy.  If you want to date then you might want to do some introspection about whether you are truly open to it.  If you're not truly open to it, then I don't really see the point.

[Mrin]

It's impossible to say why the date went it did. 

That being said, in my experience when a woman feels closed off or guarded, as you described it, is a complete turn off for me. It's not unattractive per se - it's just not alluring. I switch into platonic mode. I would suggest not going out on dates when you are in that sort of state. It doesn't bode well for the date and honestly it isn't your best foot forward. You know what I mean?

Mrin

[Lotsgoingon]

 

When you have walls up, you're shooting yourself in the foot. That's like going for a drive and deciding to go at 2mp the entire way. That's a waste.

Sounds like both of you ruined the date. He did with his distant energy, and you did with your walls. But not in the way you think. You both ruined your own fun. That's the goal of a date: to show up and have some fun, whether you really hit it off with the person or not. You're going out. You're in the game. There’s a great energy in fixing yourself up for meeting someone and experiencing some of the nervousness of meeting someone. You learn something about this new person. Heck, I’ve learned great venues going on dates that didn’t go much further and then asked other people to these same venues!

The goal of a date isn't to find love or impress anyone. The goal is to relax and share some of yourself and listen to learn something about the other person.  You’re not supposed to have a deep connection with everyone. You relax and see what happens.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, babybrowns said:

From his side, the body language didn’t seem all that keen. There was reasonable eye contact from him but I could tell he was trying to avoid giving me too much. 

How long were you chatting before you two decided to meet?  It's normal to have reasonable boundaries when meeting a stranger so it's unclear what "immerse yourself" means in this context.

While first meets are a sort of get to know you situation, TMI is best avoided. 

All you really need to access is chemistry, and if you would be interested in pursuing anything.

There's not much to be gained by a postdate analysis in this case because you don't know him at all and however he was can't be applied to future dating experiences. 

Try to relax and enjoy dates. Being preoccupied with eye contact, closing physical gaps, "signs", etc. seems like you're comparing him to some sort of playbook as opposed to just determining how you feel about the situation.

Edited May 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

Why not slow down on dating? To give yourself a little breather and refresher. Treat yourself to a night out just for yourself instead.

[Weezy1973]

It’s just a first date - really just a first meet from OLD. There’s no need to analyze. In fact your over investment is probably one of the reasons you’ve had bad experiences. It’s just a date - basically the only thing you should be assessing is whether or not you want to see him again. That’s it. Don’t worry about anything else.

[ShyViolet]

I mean honestly, if you know that you had walls up and weren't fully engaged in the date, how could you even expect it to go well?

[Blind-Sided]

On 5/13/2023 at 4:30 PM, babybrowns said:

All in all I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But I am just wondering whether me having my walls up and only giving out friend vibes to him, might have had a significant influence on the date not going too well? Or do the bad signs from his side sound like he wouldn’t have been into it much anyway, even if I had shown more romantic enthusiasm?

What’s a little odd if it were the latter, is that he did compliment me from my pictures on my online profile before we met. These pictures are all recent and not unrealistic or photoshopped or anything like that. So I’m not sure if it would be a case of him finding me physically quite different in person 🤔

Thank you in advance for your help!

The part in bold can have a huge effect without you knowing it.  Men like to chase... but if they are good at "Reading the Room"... they will pick up on the keys if there is interest from the other side.  And her energy will help with his energy.  So... no one likes to be shut down... and even though you are on a date... if the guy feels like he is not getting energy from you... why take the chance of getting shut down in the middle of the date?  I would much rather continue the date, and have a nice afternoon that to try to hold a hand, touch your leg, or move in close, and just get you pulling back and putting a bad mood on the outing.   The way I see this is... it's a problem with OLD and with broken people in general. They will either pull into themselves, or they will jump onto the next person they are with. (a rebound) 

I'm glad you used current pictures of yourself. While I haven't used any OLD systems.... I've heard WAY too many horror stories of people using 4 or 5 year old pics... and they don't look anything like the pics. (Aged poorly or added weight) 

ANyway.... consider putting down your walls if you are looking for something long term.  I know that's not easy at all.  I'm personally having that issue.  Mine is from not trusting anymore. 

Good luck with your future dates. 

[ZA Dater]

On 5/13/2023 at 10:30 PM, babybrowns said:

Hello all

I went on a first date with a guy whom I had been talking to online. He was keen to meet me. However, due to a couple of bad experiences I have had with other people on OLD, I had my walls up quite high during the date and my guard was pretty much up. As a result I don’t feel I fully ‘immersed’ myself into the date and wasn’t as engaged with it as much as he was. The conversation was good but it felt more friends-like rather than anything else.

From his side, the body language didn’t seem all that keen. There was reasonable eye contact from him but I could tell he was trying to avoid giving me too much. I’ve been on dates in the past where the man has been quite into it and not worried about giving too much eye contact. This man also didn’t close the physical distance much between us during the date and there was not one instance of either intentional or unintentional physical contact. 

At the end of the date he politely walked me to to my bus stop and waited with me for my bus to come which was good of him. (I did say to him that he didn’t have to but he said no it was fine). I followed the date with texting him “thanks for coming, it was a lovely afternoon!” and he also responded “thank you too!”.

All in all I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But I am just wondering whether me having my walls up and only giving out friend vibes to him, might have had a significant influence on the date not going too well? Or do the bad signs from his side sound like he wouldn’t have been into it much anyway, even if I had shown more romantic enthusiasm?

What’s a little odd if it were the latter, is that he did compliment me from my pictures on my online profile before we met. These pictures are all recent and not unrealistic or photoshopped or anything like that. So I’m not sure if it would be a case of him finding me physically quite different in person 🤔

Thank you in advance for your help!

My advice is to never blame yourself for how a date turns out, yes it would be nice to go back do things differently but that is an impossibility.

[Gaeta]

Give a little nudge to destity, contact him, let him know if he feels like doing something you'd be happy to join him. 

I did that a few times and the men got back to me saying they thought for sure l was not interested and were very happy l was reaching out.

Edited May 15, 2023 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Dates can go well but if there's no chemistry, then it's not a match. It had nothing to do with anything else. 

[NuevoYorko]

Are you really into this guy?  You seem to be excessively concerned with analyzing his possible interest in you, or lack thereof.  You certainly haven't said anything to give the impression that you care whether you see this fellow again or not.  If you do car, shoot him a text.

[stillafool]

On 5/13/2023 at 4:30 PM, babybrowns said:

From his side, the body language didn’t seem all that keen. There was reasonable eye contact from him but I could tell he was trying to avoid giving me too much. I’ve been on dates in the past where the man has been quite into it and not worried about giving too much eye contact. This man also didn’t close the physical distance much between us during the date and there was not one instance of either intentional or unintentional physical contact. 

This^is completely normal given the way you explain things below.  

On 5/13/2023 at 4:30 PM, babybrowns said:

due to a couple of bad experiences I have had with other people on OLD, I had my walls up quite high during the date and my guard was pretty much up. As a result I don’t feel I fully ‘immersed’ myself into the date and wasn’t as engaged with it as much as he was.

Why even go on dates if you are going to have your walls up?  How do you expect men to react when you do that?  Dates are about getting to know each other and having fun whether you end up together or not.  

[Giovane]

In the title of the thread you're asking "was it me or him?", which makes it sound as if one of you was "at fault" here. As if either you or him are to blame and took a misstep.

But maybe that's not even the case. Maybe the chemistry just wasn't right, you didn't click, you're not a match, you were just not meant to be. Then it's pointless to think about what you or him should have done differently.

Don't become insecure over something like this, it's bound to happen in OLD, almost inevitably. If you want to "click" first and avoid these kind of underwhelming meets, then leave OLD and concentrate on "real life", where face-to-face interactions are your first interactions with people.

[basil67]

On 5/14/2023 at 6:30 AM, babybrowns said:

There was reasonable eye contact from him but I could tell he was trying to avoid giving me too much. I’ve been on dates in the past where the man has been quite into it and not worried about giving too much eye contact. 

I don't understand the concept of a guy being worried (or not) about how much time is spent making eye contact.  Is this really a thing, or are you massively overthinking?  Why would a person worry about too much eye contact?  

[Alpacalia]

The eye contact (or lack thereof) is a thing. I had a first date with someone once and he looked at the table for most of the date. It can be difficult to feel truly attracted to someone if they are not making eye contact, as it can make them seem disinterested or unengaged. Afterward, he walked me to the car, and I said I would see him at our mutual friends' party (which would be a month away), to which he said he was hoping to see me sooner. We ended up seeing each other sooner.

A man who looks away shyly can be very attractive. If you convey a positive and engaged attitude (smiles, conversation, openness) that’s all you need. Looking at your phone a lot, or intently staring at other people... that's not good. 

It is difficult to know for sure, but it is possible that he might have been more interested if you had been more open and enthusiastic. It could be that your walls made him feel like you were not interested in him, which then caused him to not be interested in pursuing a second date. Alternatively, it could be that he was not interested in pursuing a relationship regardless of how enthusiastic you were.

Having said that, do you like him or do you like the way he makes you feel? I would also suggest that attracting to someone's physical appearance is different than being attracted to their aura or energy. Some people are drawn to someone's physical appearance, while others are more attuned to their personality and the energy they give off.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

On 5/13/2023 at 4:30 PM, babybrowns said:

Bad first date- but was it me or him?

First meetings are a no fault situation. Each person comes with the hope that there's a connection and chemistry. Sometimes there is sometimes it's a no-go.

In this case there seems to be too much watching for "signs" . Almost as if practicing how to go on a date rather than being on a date.

Edited May 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[CollinW]

There seems to be a prevailing ideology to some women that they can be aloof and unengaged and men should just "power" through it non-reactively. 

If your walls were up, then he's likely to tailor his approach based off that. There is no reason an adult would expect someone to break a physical barrier with someone who isn't "immersed" in their date. That's not how interpersonal interactions work. 

I highly recommend stepping back from dating to become more comfortable and seeking some perspective. 

[free_radicals]

Honestly, I think you'll never know. It could have been you, or it could have been a million things with him. I wouldn't worry about it. While I understand you have high walls due to past experiences, next time i'd try to agree to a date where you feel comfortable enough to bring your walls down. You could meet the right guy but then pass you off as uninterested if he senses you're blocked off (and he will, trust me). Easier said than done I know but it's what I would aim for.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You admitted you were not fully immersed and not as engaged in the date as he was.  You also admitted it felt more like a friends-like deal.  So Yes, With all of my Dating and mating experiences in my own Life, I believe he may have gotten a few vibes that told him you were not really into him.  However, This can be easily fixed if you were to reconsider the situation a bit.  Let him know you perhaps didn't give him a fair enough chance and tell him you would be Into a second date.  Or leave well enough alone.  🥰The ball is in your court.

[glows]

Hey babybrowns,

When was the date? I usually say I’d like to see you again if it goes well. 

Try working on your confidence. It’s okay to have your guard up (as you should) but no need to feel pressured into figuring it all out after only one date. 

Have you heard back from him? If not, see what he’s up to and if that doesn’t segue way into another date then leave it and spend your company elsewhere. Don’t even think twice about this!