Is the AP back?

[throwaway88671]

Hello everyone. Apologies if this isn't the correct sub to post in, it is my first time posting. D-Day was in January - discovered husband was at the very least having an emotional affair (texts confirmed had been physical). We talked it through like adults, I thought we were doing better. Just bought a house etc.

Just want to preface this with I wasn't snooping through his phone - I went on his phone to get a number from a message and there she was. No messages, but she was in his contacts. unblocked and clearly not deleted.

 

I confronted him - he said that it must have been from a sync (he has an iphone) - I find this hard to believe as I was of the understanding that if you delete from your phone, it deletes from the cloud? Also, within four months surely he would have noticed she was on his phone and would have deleted or blocked her?

 

Apologies for saying all this out loud, I just need to hear some sanity.

 

Apologies of you have seen this post previously, I posted in another sub this morning but I believe it was the wrong one.

[basil67]

I'm sorry this is happening.   From a technical angle, Google says that deleted contacts are still held in the cloud, however it appears that they need to be manually resurrected.  Not sure if it could happen without going through the process manually???     As for not seeing her name on his contacts in four months...this could very much be something which would happen to me!   I never scroll through contacts - I just search for the name.  And I clean up contacts only every couple of years.....so I can easily imagine not knowing that a contact is there.  Thing is though, if he really wanted to keep her contact details, surely he'd give her a fake name.  Or hide her number somewhere else. 

All that said, the fact that his story could be true doesn't mean that it IS true.  Does he have any time which is unaccounted for?   

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, throwaway88671 said:

 discovered husband was at the very least having an emotional affair. We talked it through like adults, I thought we were doing better. Just bought a house etc.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Do you have children? Do you both work? How long have you known about the affair? 

Are there other marital issues? Is this a coworker of his? You mentioned you talked it through like adults. Did he just lay low for awhile? Or did you have marriage therapy or any other help with the infidelity? 

It doesn't seem like the trust is there and of course you have good reasons for this. This isn't about phones or snooping or whatever. This is about ongoing unaddressed issues of betrayal. 

You may need professional support from a qualified marriage therapist to help you recover from betrayal and for advice on how to move forward, even if that advice is to eventually separate.

[throwaway88671]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry this is happening.   From a technical angle, Google says that deleted contacts are still held in the cloud, however it appears that they need to be manually resurrected.  Not sure if it could happen without going through the process manually???     As for not seeing her name on his contacts in four months...this could very much be something which would happen to me!   I never scroll through contacts - I just search for the name.  And I clean up contacts only every couple of years.....so I can easily imagine not knowing that a contact is there.  Thing is though, if he really wanted to keep her contact details, surely he'd give her a fake name.  Or hide her number somewhere else. 

All that said, the fact that his story could be true doesn't mean that it IS true.  Does he have any time which is unaccounted for?   

sorry I am the least technical person going! So when you say manually resurrected do you mean he would need to physically put the number back in?

[throwaway88671]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? Do you have children? Do you both work? How long have you known about the affair? 

Are there other marital issues? Is this a coworker of his? You mentioned you talked it through like adults. Did he just lay low for awhile? Or did you have marriage therapy or any other help with the infidelity? 

It doesn't seem like the trust is there and of course you have good reasons for this. This isn't about phones or snooping or whatever. This is about ongoing unaddressed issues of betrayal. 

You may need professional support from a qualified marriage therapist to help you recover from betrayal and for advice on how to move forward, even if that advice is to eventually separate.

Hello, D-day was in January so would you say 4 months is a long period of time? We have been to therapy and I thought things were better which is why I was so upset about seeing her number. I was under the impression she had at the very least been deleted on d day. When I asked him why her number was in the phone he said it must have been from a sync. Is this a possibility?

[BaileyB]

Anything is possible. I too pay absolutely zero attention to my contacts. 

Have you considered the thought that he could delete here, but have her number memorized? Her name in his phone does not mean they have been in contact. In much the same way that her name not being in his phone does not mean that they have not been in contact. 

When you are talking about healing from infidelity, four months is not a long time at all…

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, throwaway88671 said:

. When I asked him why her number was in the phone he said it must have been from a sync. Is this a possibility?

You're looking for technology answers when the real issue is your marriage still seems perilous. You still feel wounded and that he's lying about the phone. Sadly you're still in detective mode trying to figure out if his explanation is feasible technically, when the real problem is, you just don't trust him. People can offer you guesses as to why this appeared on his phone, but each person's phone is different and set up differently.  

Edited May 15, 2023 by Wiseman2

[throwaway88671]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Anything is possible. I too pay absolutely zero attention to my contacts. 

Have you considered the thought that he could delete here, but have her number memorized? Her name in his phone does not mean they have been in contact. In much the same way that her name not being in his phone does not mean that they have not been in contact. 

When you are talking about healing from infidelity, four months is not a long time at all…

I have no proof that they have been messaging which is why I am going by the timeline that I have - And the last messages between them were in January. within a four month time frame, if it had been an 'error' and considering he had been 'caught' this way, wouldnt he have noticed by now that the number was there?

 

So say it has been four months no contact between them, wouldnt that be long enough for him to be over it?

[understand50]

throwaway88671,

It was only 4 months ago for your D-Day, so at this point you are building back, or trying too, trust.   This can take years, so what you are feeling is normal.  As for your husband, his explanation is possible, and more than likely ture.  What you need to weigh is everything else he is doing.  Is there any other sign he is still in contact?  If not, this is probably what he says.  I go with odds.  There is always a chance he is not being honest, but in your gut is he at 80% in your mind?  Later if something comes up, you may know one way or the other, but from what you told us, I would say he is at 80%.  BTW, he will never be at 100%, as he has shown he can cheat, and you will never know a 100% for sure.  That just life, but you can be fairly sure. 

 

I wish you luck.

 

[understand50]

1 minute ago, throwaway88671 said:

I have no proof that they have been messaging which is why I am going by the timeline that I have - And the last messages between them were in January. within a four month time frame, if it had been an 'error' and considering he had been 'caught' this way, wouldnt he have noticed by now that the number was there?

 

So say it has been four months no contact between them, wouldnt that be long enough for him to be over it?

No, it may take years.  It will take years for you to trust really again.  Take it day by day.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, throwaway88671 said:

So say it has been four months no contact between them, wouldnt that be long enough for him to be over it?

No not necessarily.  There's a grieving process that takes place between the affair partners when an affair ends.  It's like any other relationship that depending how they felt about each other determines how long it takes to get over the affair.

[throwaway88671]

1 minute ago, understand50 said:

throwaway88671,

It was only 4 months ago for your D-Day, so at this point you are building back, or trying too, trust.   This can take years, so what you are feeling is normal.  As for your husband, his explanation is possible, and more than likely ture.  What you need to weigh is everything else he is doing.  Is there any other sign he is still in contact?  If not, this is probably what he says.  I go with odds.  There is always a chance he is not being honest, but in your gut is he at 80% in your mind?  Later if something comes up, you may know one way or the other, but from what you told us, I would say he is at 80%.  BTW, he will never be at 100%, as he has shown he can cheat, and you will never know a 100% for sure.  That just life, but you can be fairly sure. 

 

I wish you luck.

 

Thank you! We are trying to build back trust. No other signs that he is in contact - I was just told by someone that the chances of the number just magically reappearing adter a sync are slim. She actually works for apple and said that if you delete a number in your phone, it automatically deletes in the cloud. However another way of looking at it I guess is what if it wasnt a sync issue, what if he has just kept it?

 

[understand50]

1 minute ago, throwaway88671 said:

Thank you! We are trying to build back trust. No other signs that he is in contact - I was just told by someone that the chances of the number just magically reappearing adter a sync are slim. She actually works for apple and said that if you delete a number in your phone, it automatically deletes in the cloud. However another way of looking at it I guess is what if it wasnt a sync issue, what if he has just kept it?

 

There could be a bunch of different reasons.  Remember He is going though this a well and will be learning along the way. If this is the only thing, I would not get too upset, but have him delete all contact information.  I also have contacts come back on my Iphone, I do not care what apple says, they really do not know sometimes.  Also if he backs up to a PC, it could have come from that. If he use it for work, work could have put it back, and lastly the Iphone will go though all your old email looking for contacts.  Handy when you are trying to find someone, but a pain sometimes.  All I am saying is the "odds" say you should give him the benefit of the doubt.  Take it away if something else come along.

I wish you luck.

 

[semble]

13 hours ago, throwaway88671 said:

Hello everyone. Apologies if this isn't the correct sub to post in, it is my first time posting. D-Day was in January - discovered husband was at the very least having an emotional affair (texts confirmed had been physical).

If the text confirmed that it was physical then it wasn't an emotional affair.

His story is sketchy. Keep your eyes wide open. There should be no secrets from him, all of his social media accounts, his email, his phone should be wide open.

Check phone text logs which are accessible via the online account history. Consider the possibility of a backup burner phone, and maybe even throw a VAR under the front seat of his car and check it periodically. Make sure there's no blocks of unaccounted time. He cheated- you need to be doing this.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, throwaway88671 said:

 in January - discovered husband was at the very least having an emotional affair texts confirmed had been physical. but she was in his contacts. unblocked and clearly not deleted.

How long have you been married? Under what circumstances did you discover the affair?  Do you know who this lover is? A coworker?  Someone he sees in person? 

Deleting and blocking someone does not necessarily end an affair. Nor do tracking devices or policing phone records. 

You mentioned "texts confirm it was physical", were you already suspicious of his behavior when you first went through his phone and found those texts? 

Unfortunately you're far from healed and your communication is still poor if you still need to go through his phone to try figure out what's going on. Does his lover know you or about you according to the original texts you found?

Edited May 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[JTSW]

I know you are trying to build back trust, but the truth of the matter is that you may never be able to trust him fully again.

If he was really trying then he would make sure that there was no contact of hers anywhere.

I would keep your wits about you.

Had they professed love for each other during the affair?

[throwaway88671]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I know you are trying to build back trust, but the truth of the matter is that you may never be able to trust him fully again.

If he was really trying then he would make sure that there was no contact of hers anywhere.

I would keep your wits about you.

Had they professed love for each other during the affair?

@JTSW yes they did - in the countless messages I saw - however in the last messages they seemed cross with eachother over something. I also realise I have had my terminology totally wrong so I'm sorry, I still think I am in a state of shock. On D-Day he blocked and deleted the number. I saw this happen. So since then, the number has apparently 'combe back because of a sync' - yet it is unblocked. So now I am more confused than ever before. I don't believe the sync story, I know people say it can happen but she is also unblocked. Also within a four month time frame i'm sure (if it was infact a mistake) that her contact was then and would have deleted. But he hasnt.

[mark clemson]

Sometimes it's useful to examine the converse of a situation.

Do you find it believable that your husband would re-establish contact in such an obvious and easily discoverable way, so soon after a D-day and while trying to reconcile with you?

To me this would seem either extremely shortsighted (to the point of stupidity) or perhaps very arrogant.

However, some people are overconfident and generally overly contemptuous of others' abilities to "figure out what they're doing."  You know your husband, we don't. If you are honest with yourself - is he like this?

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, throwaway88671 said:

@JTSW yes they did - in the countless messages I saw - however in the last messages they seemed cross with eachother over something. I also realise I have had my terminology totally wrong so I'm sorry, I still think I am in a state of shock. On D-Day he blocked and deleted the number. I saw this happen. So since then, the number has apparently 'combe back because of a sync' - yet it is unblocked. So now I am more confused than ever before. I don't believe the sync story, I know people say it can happen but she is also unblocked. Also within a four month time frame i'm sure (if it was infact a mistake) that her contact was then and would have deleted. But he hasnt.

Please don't apologise for anything. 

If a number was deleted from the contacts then there is no reason for it come back during a sync.

I think he knew her number by heart and put it back in.

In response to the bolded part, if they were in love then 4 months is nothing.

If they are indeed not in contact, it may take a very long time to get past those feelings.

Personally, I think they are still in contact and he cannot be trusted.

I'm so sorry

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, throwaway88671 said:

@JTSW  On D-Day he blocked and deleted the number. I saw this happen. 

You haven't answered the most important question. Do they see each other in person, for example coworkers?

Keep in mind that a cheater will simply find other ways to communicate if the spouse catches on.

You're trying to figure out his phone technology but that's a fool's errand. If he wants to continue cheating, he'll find a way with or without his iPhone's contact lists.

Please try marriage counseling. It's clear you're still not healed and still having difficulty communicating and rebuilding trust.

[Starswillshine]

Firstly, I just want to hug you. You gave a disclaimer in your opening posts about not snooping in his phone. Honey, this man cheated on you, just four months ago, you have every right to snoop through this phone. You should not feel bad, guilty, nor shame for doing so. This is part of someone breaking trust. 

The problem is not that you don't trust him- this is a logical consequence of his action. The problem is HE broke the trust in your marriage. So do not feel, at all, any guilt for not trusting at this stage. It will take YEARS to rebuild that trust. And that broken trust can eventually be the downfall of the relationship, regardless of how hard you try. 

 

I am really sorry you are going through this. Been there, done that. I tried really hard to recover after my xWH's affair. I tried really hard to put our marriage back together. For 2 years, I tried to trust him again. I just couldn't. It tore me up and broke me down. 

I wish you all the best. 

[pepperbird2]

On 5/15/2023 at 10:42 AM, understand50 said:

No, it may take years.  It will take years for you to trust really again.  Take it day by day.

Many bs report this. The saddest part is thst up until our spouse stepped out, many of us trusted them, 100%.

 

Op, you may never trust your spouse 100 percent again, and that’s okay. It’s okay to sit him down and explain why you feel the way you do. It will give you a chance to air your feelings and give him the  same opportunity. Your  personal boundaries may have changed, and that’ understandable.

[S2B]

On 5/15/2023 at 6:40 AM, throwaway88671 said:

I have no proof that they have been messaging which is why I am going by the timeline that I have - And the last messages between them were in January. within a four month time frame, if it had been an 'error' and considering he had been 'caught' this way, wouldnt he have noticed by now that the number was there?

 

So say it has been four months no contact between them, wouldnt that be long enough for him to be over it?

No, not necessarily - why don’t you ask him?

ask him if he’s been in contact with her.

ask him if he’s over it.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

There is no reason to have this woman in his contacts unless IN CONTACT with her.  Or still is planning to be  and is keeping her on his no backbone back burner.  Be wary.🤔

[throwaway88671]

Hi all - I posted a month or so ago about finding my husbands ex AP contact details in his phone. I said that I saw no evidence of contact.

 

He tried to contact her. I know calls can be deleted so I cant say for sure if it has just been this time. I am confronting him tomorrow night. That call that i saw seemed to last for seconds so either he gave up or she declined.

 

I want to say to him that if it was over, her contact wouldnt be in his phone - please tell me this makes sense. I dont want to be gas lit and i feel like im gas lighting myself.