Caught on date by exes roommate

[smackie9]

Well as we all know lots of men will do or say anything to get sex. And this guy did try and say all the right things, etc. Dating is a crap shoot, you just don't know what you are going to get. Glad you stuck to your values/expectations. Next time if they don't align with what you are looking for, just don't bother. 

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, Englishmaninus said:

Maybe he was put off by me helping out my family and living at home and it's something that worries me about future dates now. My fathers on the mend and doing well. The reason I haven't moved out just yet is the financial aspects is it allows me to save more towards a deposit for a home. I know many people who moved home when saving for a house so I never saw it as an issue but maybe I am wrong. 

I honestly don't think he was thinking that far into it. I also think like many of the others his original intention never changed. He probably hoped you would change your intention and you probably hoped on some level that he would change his intention. The extra drink is not really a factor...I think your mind is giving it meaning that it really didn't have. If you think of it in his original intention or even more casual dating or just getting to know you and perhaps holding out hope for a hook up, then it is simply a stalling tactic to turn the tide that way...additional investment to get you to change your mind. Also while it seems like his intentions were pretty clear in this case, I would also say that sometimes people just make the "best" of their night because there are THERE--no other special reason--so be careful of giving it meaning it doesn't have or searching for meaning that would be better defined by other actions that are more concrete toward wanting to continue dating you. 

I don't think you deserved to be blocked but you can't control what other people do.

I think if you are dating a guy who is interested in a relationship, some of them will definitely consider where you live in their decision-making process.  I don't think that was this guy at all though. Even though some guys will consider it, I would think if your dates were going well that the potential boyfriend would see your reasons as good ones and as a bonus/goood character vs a flaw. I think it's very cool that you took care of your dad and glad to hear he's better😊

[ShyViolet]

For whatever reason he decided that you and him weren't a match and he was no longer interested.  Don't read too much into the fact that he wanted to have one more drink.  And I don't think it's necessary for you to analyze why he decided he was no longer interested.  Honestly it does not matter.  Things like this happen all the time in dating.  You'll never find out his exact reasons.  This is a virtual stranger who you went on one date with.  His opinion of you is irrelevant... just move forward.  

Blocking you was a bit excessive and unnecessary on his part but these days, that's what people do sometimes.  They block just to indicate they aren't interested.  It's petty, but not your fault.

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Englishmaninus said:

My fathers on the mend and doing well.

This is great, first and foremost. I don't think you moving home to help him wouold be a turn-off for most people. It's an extraordinary circumstance, and understandable you'd do so.  In fact, it would likely speak to your good family values and caring nature. 

But I don't think this was guy was ever going to be a match. He wanted sex. Not dating. So you living with your folks right now is irrelevant for a man who just wants a romp. I wouldn't stress this one. It was a mismatch right out of the gate. 

[JTSW]

Yep, he only went on a date with you in the hopes that you would want sex.

Hence why he asked who you lived with.

He didn't get what he wanted to backed off.

Don't waste your time on him.

[Englishmaninus]

13 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I honestly don't think he was thinking that far into it. I also think like many of the others his original intention never changed. He probably hoped you would change your intention and you probably hoped on some level that he would change his intention. The extra drink is not really a factor...I think your mind is giving it meaning that it really didn't have. If you think of it in his original intention or even more casual dating or just getting to know you and perhaps holding out hope for a hook up, then it is simply a stalling tactic to turn the tide that way...additional investment to get you to change your mind. Also while it seems like his intentions were pretty clear in this case, I would also say that sometimes people just make the "best" of their night because there are THERE--no other special reason--so be careful of giving it meaning it doesn't have or searching for meaning that would be better defined by other actions that are more concrete toward wanting to continue dating you. 

I don't think you deserved to be blocked but you can't control what other people do.

I think if you are dating a guy who is interested in a relationship, some of them will definitely consider where you live in their decision-making process.  I don't think that was this guy at all though. Even though some guys will consider it, I would think if your dates were going well that the potential boyfriend would see your reasons as good ones and as a bonus/goood character vs a flaw. I think it's very cool that you took care of your dad and glad to hear he's better😊

Thank you  

I didn't really give it too much meaning, I was just thrown a little by the blocking that was all. As for me blocking is something I would only do if the person was crazy or bombarding me with texts all of which I didn't do. While I am not upset it just made me over analyse the date and think maybe I said or did something that caused him to block instead of being mature enough to say something like he wasn't interested. 

[JTSW]

No, it's weird when it was obvious to him that you were on a date.

[Lifegoeson12]

On 5/16/2023 at 11:19 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You made the right decision not burdening your date with this and leaving the bar. However you need to delete and block your ex and ALL his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no reason to stay friends with his friends to the point that they're stalking you.

My ex has no access to my social media, and to be honest I didn't think he roommate would be either. I didn't recognise the number so when I answered it I got a shock. I was just thrown by the fact he wanted to come and say hello. He knew I was on a date as he pointed out he saw me with another guy.  Again I didn't originally see an issue with being friends with his roommate who was always nice to me it but I do now. 

[Lifegoeson12]

On 5/16/2023 at 1:33 PM, stillafool said:

It really isn't that odd.  He was either at the bar and saw you two or may have walked by and saw you.  If he just wanted to say hello it wasn't a big deal and at least he asked you first.  Most people would have just dropped by your table and said hello so it was rather polite that he called to ask you first.

 

No it's not odd at all for him to see you out and want to say hello.  You probably do look different to him after months of not seeing you.  It would be odd if he called you up to go for coffee since you're the ex of his roommate. Why?

Considering I never gave him my phone number and he wanted to come say hello I thought it was odd. He wanted to come to the bar where I was at to say hello. I said maybe another time but again. As for the coffee comment I meant if he saw me by myself somewhere and rang and said I saw you at the coffee shop, I thought I would stop by I wouldn't have had an issue it was clear I was on a date and he rang and wanted to join. 

[Lifegoeson12]

On 5/16/2023 at 1:37 PM, Gaeta said:

Then this is beyond weird and you should block him.

Will you see your date again?

 

Yea it is odd. I still don't know where he got my number from so either he spoke to my ex to tell him I was on a date and my ex said call her or he got it from my ex and wanted to see who the guy I was on a date with. 

Yes I will see my date again. :)

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

No, it's weird when it was obvious to him that you were on a date.

Exactly. Even if I saw my best friend on a date I would never decide to ring them asking to join. I would send a text the next day or later being like I saw you how did you get on or even saw you on a date was going to say hey, but didn't want to interrupt we should get a drink sometime.  I wouldn't ring and ask to join. I honestly didn't see that coming in a million years. 

[Lifegoeson12]

On 5/16/2023 at 1:34 PM, Alpacalia said:

Were you anticipating a run-in with your ex or hoping he'd see you moving on from him?

Not too long ago, you posted that you were checking your social media and saw that your ex was viewing your stories and wanting to know what it means.

I'm wondering if you still have some unresolved feelings for your ex and are hoping (or looking) for signs that he may still have feelings for you?

Setting limits and boundaries is a good way to ensure that the ex's roommate respects your personal space.

 

 

 

God no, I had no intention of running into my ex. I didn't even see his roommate till he rang me. 

Yes my ex was viewing my stories and I realised unless he actually reached out it meant nothing so I put my page on private so he couldn't see them anymore. 

In all honesty part of me would've been happy if he saw me on the date, I looked well, I was enjoying myself and met a nice guy. However I never planned on bumping into him or him ever seeing me, the exact same with his roommate I never in a million years thought he would see me either. 

Again I haven't spoken to his roommate in months, for all I know my ex could've been with him I have no idea. That is why I politely declined the offer and then suggested to my date we go to another bar so I wouldn't run into him. 

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Englishmaninus said:

Thank you  

I didn't really give it too much meaning, I was just thrown a little by the blocking that was all. As for me blocking is something I would only do if the person was crazy or bombarding me with texts all of which I didn't do. While I am not upset it just made me over analyse the date and think maybe I said or did something that caused him to block instead of being mature enough to say something like he wasn't interested. 

 

maybe he knows how to block on one site but not the others or is there something one app does that others don’t 

 

he sounded like he wanted sex/ one nighter and not a serious relationship.

 

you living at parent affect relationships— yes— some might next you without knowing the details of why. If the other has roommates maybe they want them to have a place of their own for sex.  Thry have a problem mentally with having sex with roommates and figure you living at home is a sex stopper.

 

sites like tinder and Grindr are more looking fir hookups kind of sites.

[Alpacalia]

Dating culture in the 21st century is block town. Move on and best of luck to him. You care about your father and are doing good things.

It is worth mentioning that men who appear to be looking for "fun" usually just want to hook up. Don't take this as him trying to build up a wall just to see who will tear it down.

Focus on yourself and your own life and don't get caught up in what he's doing. That's the best way to move on and wish him the best.

 

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Englishmaninus said:

Thank you  

I didn't really give it too much meaning, I was just thrown a little by the blocking that was all. As for me blocking is something I would only do if the person was crazy or bombarding me with texts all of which I didn't do. While I am not upset it just made me over analyse the date and think maybe I said or did something that caused him to block instead of being mature enough to say something like he wasn't interested. 

thank you.  with my giving meaning comment I was referring to him asking you to stay for the extra drink (for clarity). When I read your post you seemed to indicate that action would "mean" something in reference to his thoughts about you dating-wise...I think if anything it more likely means he was putting more effort into hoping you would change your mind about hooking up. 

I think when he realized the two of your weren't on the same page and he wasn't going to get what he wanted out of you then for him he thought blocking was appropriate. Like you, I don't think it's necessary unless someone is blowing up your phone or saying stupid/rude things to you but TBH lots of people on here recommend it all the time...So it's sort of a reflection of how people think and actions taken simply just because two people aren't on the same page and discover or believe they will not be getting what they want out of dating you.

To the bolded, I saw a little bit of that in your OP...I think you'd be better off and it will cause less overanalyzing to realize that people don't and won't process life and their decisions the same way you do..They use their own "lens"  and perspective to do so.  And even then don't always chose the "right" thing to do by their own morals. So in your situation, YOU might never block someone unless they do xyz and YOU may tell people if you aren't interested after one date but he is the type that blocks people if he doesn't want to date them and doesn't feel like it's necessary to say he isn't interested.

To give you an example of different lens on things, if I were in the same situation, my actions would be similar to yours in "not blocking" and then similar to his in that I wouldn't feel it was necessary to say I wasn't interested....a failure to set up or agree to a second date IS that...from my perspective. My point is with just 3 people's opinion (yours, his, mine), we have 3 different ways of handling a date where you don't want there to be a second. 

I think one of the toughest things I see over and over on this site is when people keep insisting/hoping/or failing to accept that in dating (all interpersonal relationships) is that people will do things from a variety of perspectives. If you really accept this, it helps you get to the part where you can bridge either good communication, compromise, a different approach, etc to get what you want. One of the saddest things and most frustrating to people repeatedly wishing for things to be different than THEY ARE. They will come on here budding relationship after budding relationship (or similar situation) saying things like "he should have told me he wasn't interested" and the like of things what they believe someone "should" have done and it just leaves them stuck and frustrated, repeating that same mindset over and over. To minimize the impact of what someone DOES DO, you have to accept that they did do it so you can move on for your best life. Even when you aren't interacting with someone, you prepare for it by holding the mindset that people approach situations from their various varying perspectives--start with that premise. I know it was a little statement I saw of yours. You just seem open-minded enough to actually absorb what I'm saying so I'm going on about it. I hope it helps. Basically the general idea is start with that premise, meet the adversity that will undoubtedly come up in life when you encounter a different perspective and then find common ground so you can actually address the problem rather than create hurt, disappointment, more conflict, resentment, frustration.  You might be thinking "well how can I do that with some guy that doesn't want to date me and even blocked me". Sometimes you find that common ground with the person; sometimes you find it in yourself from how you characterize the situation/its aftermath. In your situation with this guy, it's the latter.  The common ground and all you need to tell yourself is: we weren't on the same page about what we were looking for and I'm lucky I found out right away so I can move forward so I can get that relationship I want. 😊

[Englishmaninus]

19 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

thank you.  with my giving meaning comment I was referring to him asking you to stay for the extra drink (for clarity). When I read your post you seemed to indicate that action would "mean" something in reference to his thoughts about you dating-wise...I think if anything it more likely means he was putting more effort into hoping you would change your mind about hooking up. 

I think when he realized the two of your weren't on the same page and he wasn't going to get what he wanted out of you then for him he thought blocking was appropriate. Like you, I don't think it's necessary unless someone is blowing up your phone or saying stupid/rude things to you but TBH lots of people on here recommend it all the time...So it's sort of a reflection of how people think and actions taken simply just because two people aren't on the same page and discover or believe they will not be getting what they want out of dating you.

To the bolded, I saw a little bit of that in your OP...I think you'd be better off and it will cause less overanalyzing to realize that people don't and won't process life and their decisions the same way you do..They use their own "lens"  and perspective to do so.  And even then don't always chose the "right" thing to do by their own morals. So in your situation, YOU might never block someone unless they do xyz and YOU may tell people if you aren't interested after one date but he is the type that blocks people if he doesn't want to date them and doesn't feel like it's necessary to say he isn't interested.

To give you an example of different lens on things, if I were in the same situation, my actions would be similar to yours in "not blocking" and then similar to his in that I wouldn't feel it was necessary to say I wasn't interested....a failure to set up or agree to a second date IS that...from my perspective. My point is with just 3 people's opinion (yours, his, mine), we have 3 different ways of handling a date where you don't want there to be a second. 

I think one of the toughest things I see over and over on this site is when people keep insisting/hoping/or failing to accept that in dating (all interpersonal relationships) is that people will do things from a variety of perspectives. If you really accept this, it helps you get to the part where you can bridge either good communication, compromise, a different approach, etc to get what you want. One of the saddest things and most frustrating to people repeatedly wishing for things to be different than THEY ARE. They will come on here budding relationship after budding relationship (or similar situation) saying things like "he should have told me he wasn't interested" and the like of things what they believe someone "should" have done and it just leaves them stuck and frustrated, repeating that same mindset over and over. To minimize the impact of what someone DOES DO, you have to accept that they did do it so you can move on for your best life. Even when you aren't interacting with someone, you prepare for it by holding the mindset that people approach situations from their various varying perspectives--start with that premise. I know it was a little statement I saw of yours. You just seem open-minded enough to actually absorb what I'm saying so I'm going on about it. I hope it helps. Basically the general idea is start with that premise, meet the adversity that will undoubtedly come up in life when you encounter a different perspective and then find common ground so you can actually address the problem rather than create hurt, disappointment, more conflict, resentment, frustration.  You might be thinking "well how can I do that with some guy that doesn't want to date me and even blocked me". Sometimes you find that common ground with the person; sometimes you find it in yourself from how you characterize the situation/its aftermath. In your situation with this guy, it's the latter.  The common ground and all you need to tell yourself is: we weren't on the same page about what we were looking for and I'm lucky I found out right away so I can move forward so I can get that relationship I want. 😊

Thank you for the very well explained explanation

I do totally get it, It was just the blocking I thought was odd. But again as you mentioned we both view that as two different things so it does make sense.  I view blocking as something of a last resort type of thing where someone else might view it as a kinder way to send a message and I think I forgot about that. I have never been blocked after a date with a guy so I think I was just shocked. But I agree with everything you have said

[Englishmaninus]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Dating culture in the 21st century is block town. Move on and best of luck to him. You care about your father and are doing good things.

It is worth mentioning that men who appear to be looking for "fun" usually just want to hook up. Don't take this as him trying to build up a wall just to see who will tear it down.

Focus on yourself and your own life and don't get caught up in what he's doing. That's the best way to move on and wish him the best.

 

I am starting to see that lol 

I am kinda glad now that I got blocked after a date as opposed to have slept with him and then got blocked. 

I have to say from starting to date again its terrible lol My friends warned me about how bad the dating scene can be, but I am starting to see they weren't lying 😛 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Englishmaninus said:

I am starting to see that lol 

I am kinda glad now that I got blocked after a date as opposed to have slept with him and then got blocked. 

I have to say from starting to date again its terrible lol My friends warned me about how bad the dating scene can be, but I am starting to see they weren't lying 😛 

Yes.

It's like, "my date wore sandals, next!" BLOCK!

Here, your date was forthcoming with what he was looking for ("fun...") And you thought he said "lunch"! 🤪and you explained that you lived with your father. This revealed a lot of information about you both and the potential of the date. It showed that he was looking for a casual relationship, while you were looking for something else. Neither is wrong.

And for all anyone knows, he may have blocked you on the app so that he can keep his activities private or so that he doesn't accidentally match you again. He may also be trying to avoid any potential awkwardness or embarrassment that could arise from seeing you online. It could also be that he simply doesn't want to communicate with you anymore and this is his way of expressing that.

Initially, you're thrown, and there may come a time when you have to block someone also. By blocking someone, it prevents them from seeing any of your posts, messages, or even friend requests. It's an effective way of cutting off all communication with someone, and it also gives you the peace of mind that the other person won't be able to see anything you post or comment on.

Rejection is part of dating. Not everyone is going to like you, and you're not going to like every person you meet. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with us. It just means that we weren't the right fit for that particular person.🤍

[Calmandfocused]

Op, 

I agree with all the previous posters. Draw a line under this and don’t give it a second thought. However I have one thing to add: 

If you really don’t want to cross paths with the “Top Shaggers” of the English gay community I would seriously recommend getting yourself off Grindr. 
 

I’m a straight woman so have never used it personally but from what I’ve seen/ heard this is not a suitable platform to bag yourself a relationship or even a proper date. 
 

If you want to find a man whose objectives are more aligned with yours use a different site, or meet men another way. 
 

There are lots of single gay men around who are interested in more than just a piece of meat. Go find them. 
 

You sound like a nice guy. 
 

And no, loving your father is not a turn off . It’s something to be respected and valued. Glad to hear he’s in recovery. 

[Lisa]

Sorry folks, @Englishmaninus and @Lifegoeson12 are the same poster presenting as two different people 

 

Edited May 17, 2023 by Lisa