Girlfriend wants space?

[ConfusedByLife]

Hey, thanks for stopping by and hearing what I have to say. 
First, I want to say that my girlfriend or ex, whatever she is… told me that she thinks it’s best her and I take some space apart after talking every single day for 1 year and dating for 6 months of that year. 
 

We had problems, but mostly I just wanted to spend more time with her and have more sex which we both loved… but she made less effort than I did to make time and that frustrated me, so instead of communicate properly which I tried initially to no change… I was a tad bit harsh and just told her that she needs to make more effort to be with me…. Well, she took it too hard and said she needs space apart from me. That she hasn’t been good mentally for the last couple months. I took this so hard and thought she was breaking up with me because of pics changing and things said. I deactivated all my socials only to deactivate them a couple days later and see she was single and she deleted my family. 

I tried to text and apologize and I tried calling her to no avail, but we would share a few texts every 2-3 days. She would text me back saying she still loved me and feels the same about me, but needs more time and it’s best for both of us. 
 

fast forward a week and those texts slightly change to “I love you, but I think it’s best you move on it’s not fair to you that I keep you waiting. I’m still hurt and mad” I told her I would wait for her as long as boundaries were set and she did set those boundaries… sorta… but than said she didn’t want a relationship right now (changed from a bit of space to me finding someone else cause she doesn’t want a relationship) and all over text cause she refused to call or meet me….

I finally hit my breaking point not being able to heal and being sad, confused & angry myself,  and I sent a couple paragraph text and was about to finish with the whole take care when she said she would call me out of the blue… she cut me off and just said “I’ll call you after work” finally after 10 days of little texts here and there I was going to get the chance to hear her voice and explain myself and see what’s going on in her head and tell her what’s going on in mine. 
 

After the phone conversation I left feeling renewed like I finally got to explain everything and hear her side of stuff and the outcome looked good and she agreed to talk with me again soon because there was still some things we had to discuss… Well, I feel like it was false hope, because 

fast forward another 2 days and I tried sending a funny text and than calling right after… she tells me to “leave her alone”. I finally had enough of being so confused and heartbroken & left in limbo… and told her “ I tried. Take care” and she said “you too”. I deleted her off my social media’s because I can’t stop creeping hers & her mother showed her all my stories on Snapchat that she took as me not even being upset at all, when it was a 5 second view into 24hours of my day.. so I deleted everyone to do with her. I want to be done, but I just love this girl too much. I just want to stop being confused and hurt and crying. 

It sucks cause we were renovating our space to live together and this all seemed so sudden and out of the blue. She does suffer from severe anxiety and that plays a huge factor in her decisions, but I never expected this… not from her. Apparently there’s no other guy she just needs to get her head right from the anxiety she deals with, but it seems like my heart is left hanging in the wind… as every other day she’s here than gone…
What should I do? should I move on and forget about her even though she may come back? Should I give her a week or two to calm down and try to call her? Should I wait to hear from her? I need some solid advice.. I’m losing my mind here. 

Thanks and sorry for the long read… 

[semble]

Looks like she's done.

Either way the next contact needs to be from her, if it happens at all.

If I was you I'd figure it's over.

 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, ConfusedByLife said:

so instead of communicate properly which I tried initially to no change.....I was a tad bit harsh and just told her that she needs to make more effort to be with me….

It's not really out of the blue.   This reads as if you'd been unhappy with not seeing her often enough and that you've already spoken about the issue and it wasn't resolved.  Pulling out the big guns really only cemented that what you want is different to what she wants and she made her decision based on that.

Thing is, you could call her in a week or two and offer to be OK without seeing her as much...but then your needs still wouldn't be getting met.   You might love her, but you weren't happy.

What were the other problems you had?

Edited May 16, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ConfusedByLife said:

 talking every single day for 1 year and dating for 6 months of that year. told her that she needs to make more effort to be with me…. … but than said she didn’t want a relationship right now… she tells me to “leave her alone”. It sucks cause we were renovating our space to live together 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Is this a distance situation? Why were you talking for 6 mos before dating?

Do you both work? Were you planning on living together? What is "our space"? Your place, her place or something you two got together?

Unfortunately you can't demand more time and sex.  You also can't get "harsh" or threatening about it. It seems like way too much way too soon and suffocating.

You seem incompatible on many levels.  It's true that "needs space" is often a way to break up. If she asked you to "leave her alone", it's best to respect that so she doesn't file harassment or stalking charges.

Try to relax and regroup. It just wasn't working out. The best thing you can do is delete and block her and ALL her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

Edited May 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

You can't demand her or do anything, in reality, she owes you nothing, and you need to understand that and not be angry about it.  Leave her be, don't be available or present, work on yourself, learn and move on.  She'll be back, probably at a time you don't want her anymore.  That's life.

[ConfusedByLife]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's not really out of the blue.   This reads as if you'd been unhappy with not seeing her often enough and that you've already spoken about the issue and it wasn't resolved.  Pulling out the big guns really only cemented that what you want is different to what she wants and she made her decision based on that.

Thing is, you could call her in a week or two and offer to be OK without seeing her as much...but then your needs still wouldn't be getting met.   You might love her, but you weren't happy.

What were the other problems you had?

It wasn’t resolved, no. However, she didn’t tell me the reasoning behind it. After the phone call I finally realized the reason as to why she couldn’t spend the night, etc… 

If I had known I could’ve made other arrangements for us to see each other. However, she sort of left me in the dark and just wouldn’t give a direct answer.. 

It’s more complicated, but with her anxiety and me not communicating effectively (I guess her as well) it was like she wanted to avoid an argument as opposed to tackle the problem head on, so that was my intention in being more assertive in my messaging . Unfortunately she took it as being too hostile and pulled away. Nothing bad was said either. 

There wasn’t any other problems really. Typical jealousy stuff from my end and her own, but nothing we couldn’t laugh about later. I guess with her any problem no matter how small because of her anxiety is major and without us communicating effectively it wore down on her. 

It’s sad too because it was always through text. I don’t know why I didn’t pick up the phone or she didn’t. Would have made the whole difference. 😕 

[ConfusedByLife]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Is this a distance situation? Why were you talking for 6 mos before dating?

Do you both work? Were you planning on living together? What is "our space"? Your place, her place or something you two got together?

Unfortunately you can't demand more time and sex.  You also can't get "harsh" or threatening about it. It seems like way too much way too soon and suffocating.

You seem incompatible on many levels.  It's true that "needs space" is often a way to break up. If she asked you to "leave her alone", it's best to respect that so she doesn't file harassment or stalking charges.

Try to relax and regroup. It just wasn't working out. The best thing you can do is delete and block her and ALL her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

 

Thanks for the response. We are in our 30’s… it kind of is. I work near her place and live an hour or so away, so not too bad. I went to hers 99% of the time. 
 

We were talking getting to know each other and I tried to meet her a few times but she ditched me saying her anxiety was bad and the third time I was finally going to give up, but she asked me to go see her randomly one day as she was near me. 
 

Yes we both work. And yes we were planning on living together at her place. I was helping do Reno’s at the same time this fight occurred. 
 

I didn’t demand anything, I wanted a conversation about why she was unable to talk to me about hanging out more or coming to my place more frequently. I just never got a straight answer until recently… so I was left in the dark and all I wanted was to know what was going on.. 

She told me had I not said “I wish you well, take care” etc… like I was breaking up with her that she would’ve taken a few days and been back, but the fact that she said I ended it (I thought she was ending it the way she worded it among other things) was the reason I got my back in the corner and thought it would be easier if I was more direct. It also took me by surprise so hard that my brain landed on Mars… 

We had much in common, but communication was the one thing we were trying to be better at and it was only a fight about spending time and always through text. It’s sad because my words were contorted and what I meant wasn’t how she took a couple things. 
 

She wouldn’t file anything… I’m not a crazy person, just a sad person… I have been here before and it sucks. It’s weird though because her responses to some things were so positive and than others were so negative. 
 

She did ask me to leave her alone, so I def am not bothering with her anymore. That came out of the blue as well, because the phone call was the opposite of “leave me alone” and she initiated the call… that being said, I have finally deleted her and her fam off my socials and am trying to move on. It just sucks how I expected a convo about spending time together that we could both work with and instead I got slapped with “I need space” that’s what was the wtf to me… especially seeing as I just saw her 2 days before and we were all over each other… 

[ConfusedByLife]

3 hours ago, OurLoveTurnsToRust said:

You can't demand her or do anything, in reality, she owes you nothing, and you need to understand that and not be angry about it.  Leave her be, don't be available or present, work on yourself, learn and move on.  She'll be back, probably at a time you don't want her anymore.  That's life.

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it! I hope she comes back, but as you said it might be at a time where it’s all become too much and I am not ready to take her back anymore. I have been here before and it really blows… 

I’m trying to move on, but it’s tough as you all know.. especially when you thought you’d marry this person and were prepared to lay it all on the line. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ConfusedByLife said:

so that was my intention in being more assertive in my messaging . Unfortunately she took it as being too hostile and pulled away.

Thing is, "she needs to make more effort to be with me" isn't assertive.  It's more in the realms of domineering or even controlling.  When you told her what she "needs" to do, you took away her choice, and therefore disrespected her.  

Being assertive is about getting your message across in a manner which expresses your needs clearly while still respecting your partner.  

"I really enjoy your company, but we haven't been spending much time together and it makes me feel x.  Could we work out a way to see each other more often?"  is assertive.  You seem pretty reasonable, so I'm going to guess that this is actually how you communicated before.  Thing is though, no matter how assertive you are, if the other person doesn't want the same thing, it's just not going to happen. If assertive discussion hasn't worked and you get to the point of telling someone what they "need" to do, the relationship is already broken. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ConfusedByLife said:

. I went to hers 99% of the time. She told me had I not said “I wish you well, take care” etc… like I was breaking up with her 

This is definitely a breakup threat power play. Unfortunately you weren't compatible. Seems like too much too soon.

It seems like you were encroaching on her space and time to much staying at her place too much.

[JTSW]

Take some responsibility in this.

You were too demanding, pushy and controlling.

That's why she backed off.

Don't blame her anxiety issues.

You blew it, pure and simple.

It's over.

[ConfusedByLife]

28 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Take some responsibility in this.

You were too demanding, pushy and controlling.

That's why she backed off.

Don't blame her anxiety issues.

You blew it, pure and simple.

It's over.

I don’t know if we are reading the same thing here. I accept nothing but the responsibility of it ending. I understand I was too pushy with it & it’s not me blaming her anxiety it’s her telling me that it’s her anxiety. I was looking for advice on what I can do to fix it if anything at all, but it’s Looking more like just leaving it alone is the only solution. 
And uhhh… I’ll let you know if you’re correct in the coming weeks / months. 

[ConfusedByLife]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thing is, "she needs to make more effort to be with me" isn't assertive.  It's more in the realms of domineering or even controlling.  When you told her what she "needs" to do, you took away her choice, and therefore disrespected her.  

Being assertive is about getting your message across in a manner which expresses your needs clearly while still respecting your partner.  

"I really enjoy your company, but we haven't been spending much time together and it makes me feel x.  Could we work out a way to see each other more often?"  is assertive.  You seem pretty reasonable, so I'm going to guess that this is actually how you communicated before.  Thing is though, no matter how assertive you are, if the other person doesn't want the same thing, it's just not going to happen. If assertive discussion hasn't worked and you get to the point of telling someone what they "need" to do, the relationship is already broken. 

Wish I had you there for that advice May 3rd. I really screwed this one up and the regret is unreal. 
It’s too bad we don’t get offered second chances to make up for our mistakes. 
I guess some of us do and I’m hoping I’ll get that opportunity, but only time will tell. Sucks. 

[basil67]

Ah, life is a learning experience. 

Things is, while it's great to be able to communicate our needs in an effective manner, it still doesn't mean that the other party will meet those needs.  From what I understand, you had previously communicated that you wanted more time with her, but she was still spending the amount of time with you that she was comfortable with.  Further communication wasn't going to change this.   

In the meantime, do a deep dive on the interwebs and learn what assertive communication looks like.  Also "I statements" are something else to look at.  

 

[JTSW]

21 hours ago, ConfusedByLife said:

I was looking for advice on what I can do to fix it if anything at all, but it’s Looking more like just leaving it alone is the only solution. 

I'm afraid this is the only thing you can do.

[ConfusedByLife]

On 5/17/2023 at 6:53 PM, basil67 said:

Ah, life is a learning experience. 

Things is, while it's great to be able to communicate our needs in an effective manner, it still doesn't mean that the other party will meet those needs.  From what I understand, you had previously communicated that you wanted more time with her, but she was still spending the amount of time with you that she was comfortable with.  Further communication wasn't going to change this.   

In the meantime, do a deep dive on the interwebs and learn what assertive communication looks like.  Also "I statements" are something else to look at.  

 

 

On 5/18/2023 at 4:01 AM, JTSW said:

I'm afraid this is the only thing you can do.

Thanks for all your help everyone. Today I found out heartbreaking news and I did it to myself. I found out that she has added her ex’s back to her social media’s….I kind of was hoping for something like this to happen to make it easier and give me a reason to let go. It still crushes my soul deep down inside, but I will heal. 

Little backstory to make myself feel better here… She was talking to 5 guys while I was talking to her & claimed they were her friends. Come to find out later on that these “friends” were not just friends, but intimate pictures would be shared back and forth and sexual convos would be had. This was obviously a deal breaker for me and I told her she needs to block these guys if her and I were to start a relationship. She agreed. Later on I come to find out that she had only deleted these guys and they were on her “recents” list on Snapchat. I found this out when she handed me her phone and told me to add my sister to her Snapchat. Well, after seeing that I died a little inside. I asked her what it was about and she promised me she didn’t know, but I did end up adding these guys back and saw saved pictures and convos that dated back before we had dated. Still, I was very suspicious on why they were in “recents”, but I trusted her and let it go after everything was deleted and they were properly blocked. 
 

She decided to create a new Snapchat account with no connection to any of these guys whatsoever, as they would create new accounts to try and add her back. 

Fast forward a month later and I found out on Facebook that one of those guys I asked her to block liked one of her pictures on Facebook of her and I, so I was confused as to how that could have happened he should be blocked. Anyways, I come to find out she forgot about this guy and I let that slide snd she blocked him properly. 
 

Now the nightmare was over, right? Well, it was and that problem I was willing to put in the past. I asked her to block these guys before we dated and she asked me to do the same and it was mutually agreed upon, I did with all mine and stopped talking to a lot of females and blocked and deleted, but why was it so hard for her to do the same? This left a little trust issues in the relationship that I tried to not let spew over. I told her “look, this might cause me to be a bit more jealous & insecure & I will bring it up from time to time, but you have to be okay with me doing that as it will allow me to move on and forget about it. She agreed and it became less and less talked about until it was a distant memory. 
 

Fast forward to “I need space.” Well, now I was curious if she was going to try and talk to these guys that were suppose to be blocked & she even told me when I asked her “is this space to see other people or talk to other people or you trying to explore your ex’s again?” She said no, she wanted to be alone and no she would never unblock them. 

Now I know what she was telling me all this time was lies. She has added them back and now I know where her and I stand as her and these guys are a dealbreaker for me for obvious reasons of the sexual nature.
 

I have blocked her on all my social media now and am going to try and ignore the fact that she added these guys back, but it’s tough. Anyways… I didn’t block her number though I still can’t bring myself to do that as I do hope she texts (I wouldn’t reply, maybe not for a few days, but it would just be nice to see a text from her or call) and that’s where my story ends guys. 

Thanks for listening and take care of yourselves! 

[Measure]

Just a quick note about jealousy and potential "cheating".  Of course, realize, I'm in my 50's so the whole social media dynamic is foreign to me.  That being said people are who they are and are going to do what they are going to do.  

All the jealousy or worrying in the world is not going to stop them if they are going to cheat.  Jealousy isn't a good look and engaging with those feelings are only going to make you both miserable.

Personally I don't think there's any point in worrying whether or not someone might cheat on you until it enters your world in a real way.  But all this "block this person", "don't talk to that person", stuff is a total waste of time and energy. 

Be confident in your ability to fend off any challengers.  If someone is treating you disrespectfully then leave.  If you find out someone cheated on you then -laugh- "you made your choice, have fun, bye". 

Otherwise, treat your partner right and enjoy your time together.  YOU will be much happier for it.

[mtnbiker3000]

I need space = I'm done dating you

[JTSW]

I mean no disrespect here, but from the last thing you wrote, you sound over the top.

She was talking to other guys before you were official and deleted them at your request.

But you added them back?

That's just weird to me.

It doesn't matter how long ago she deleted them, if they were the last people she deleted it will be in recents.

Your constant policing of her eventually drove her away.

I can understand why she wanted to end it.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I am so sorry for your pain.  It hurts like hell to know she was probably using the "Space Ship" as an excuse to slowly just "Say Good-bye."  Now you have learned what happened and what she is all about.  Even if she comes back crying with her tail between her Legs, You could never ever trust her again to pull the same stunt with you.  Please, Focus on you now and move on from her.  I don't care for the way she played this hand of cards and she is no Queen in the deck.  You will find 😉someone more deserving.