Was I in the Wrong? Here Is My Story:

[Moody]

I've met this guy in college and it was an instant connection between the both of us. We haven't even talked yet, but it was constant eye contact and smiles across the room. It was like something out of a fairytale, something I have never experienced before! Two weeks later, he finally made the first move and asked me on a date. We went, and by nature, I am a very quiet person. Yet with him, I was so talkative and so comfortable, I myself was surprised. We hit it strong and our chemistry was so obvious, but then worries started piling up in my mind. We were from different cultures and religion. My parents had high expectations for my future spouse and I wasn't the type to go against them. My family is everything to me. I realized that we will never work because we were so different. I had to stop it before it advanced to something more. So I had a talk with him and explained everything, stating that there isn't going to be any outcome. He was understanding and decided to give me some space, yet still made sure that he's always available if I want to talk or hang out with him.

Days went by and we started avoiding each other, in hopes of making the separation easier, but it was so hard to do, that a few weeks later we were subconsciously drawn back together. I started going on secret dates with him without my family knowing and he started working on himself, because he wanted to be good enough to be introduced to my parents. I made sure he knew that he shouldn't be changing who he is for me. Our relationship wasn't what you would call normal. I rejected kissing and sex and wanted them to be after marriage. He respected my choices. I didn't even let him call me his girlfriend because he needed to get my parents approval first. He, on the other hand, started asking about my culture. He was willing to get rid of his piercings to please my parents, to avoid drinking because that is not acceptable by my culture, and to even learn about my religion to see if it interests him enough to convert. He was genuine and I could tell he wanted me badly, and honestly, it was the same for me. Slowly, we started talking future. We discussed kids, lifestyle, and marriage. We even got to wedding dresses all when we're not in an official relationship. [The marriage topic came up because in my culture, dating is restricted and it's more about marriage after meeting parents].

Then came our first crisis. The college semester ended and we were not going to see each other for 6 weeks. That is about the same time we've been together. I told him my parents were starting to get suspicious, so I wanted to avoid going on dates for now and instead figure out a solution where I could see him without having to lie to them. The fact that I was keeping such a big thing from my family was starting to burden me and he completely understood me and respected my choices. However, he still was hesitant and worried because he believed we will lose our connection over this 6 weeks of separation. I did not feel that way and told him everything will be fine. The 6 weeks passed and it was constant 24 hour texting every single day, nonstop. We talked about everything possible and shared every detail. I felt closer to him than ever, although I have not been with him physically. He would shyly tell me his goals about making me "his family" soon enough. I, on the other hand, made an accomplishment of telling my mom all about him, after he encouraged me to do so. It was a big deal to me because I never talk about boys with my parents. Surprisingly, my mom was very supportive, but she told me that my dad will most likely never accept him. I was honest with him and told him what my mom said, while adding that I will not give up and that I will convince my dad. I was really hopeful, but I did not receive the same energy from him, although he said he trusted me.

The second semester started and we met again, yet that's when the downfall began. I noticed he hadn't done any of the things he said he would. His piercings were still there, he still went out drinking, and he hasn't even read about my religion at all. I did not say anything because it was his choice and I did not want to pressure him. He then told me of his plans to move to [another city] for graduate school, stating "I want you as badly as [the other city], but [the other city] is more guarantied to work." I respected his decision and was encouraging him to pursue that dream. He asked if it was okay with me to do long distance when he leaves and I agreed. Yet the following day, we had our first argument. He claimed that I have become too quiet, although I've always been like that, and he voiced his worries explaining that we only have 15 weeks before he leaves to [the other city] and so far our connection has been so static. He wants us to become closer, faster. Then he complained about the lack of dates and that for him to be in a relationship with me, I have to be with him. "We've never spent more than 8 hours together, you haven't seen me when I'm upset, you haven't seen me doing my hobbies, you haven't met my family, we haven't shared a bed," he started listing all his expectations. I became overwhelmed. Most of these are stuff I can't do, I barely made it out to see him secretly before. I told him that once he gets my parent's approval, I can easily do these stuff, then added that my mom allowed me to go on dates with him, with the condition of having someone one/group accompany us. We solved the argument and he told me that he'll work on himself so he can meet my parents, explaining he was busy over the break. Yet not a week later, we had a second argument, about the same issue. It started becoming on and off between us. The week where I plan to ask him on a date, we end up fighting, and when we make up the following week, he leaves the state for the weekend. He started talking less to me in class and leaving me behind on school trips to hang with his friends. When my classmates ask him why he's doing that, he says that I'm the one not talking and not interested, although I feel like I'm the one chasing. 

I pulled him for a long talk and we agreed to both put effort in the relationship. He explained that he doesn't believe long distance would work anymore, seeing how much connection we've lost over 6 weeks, and asked if I'm willing to move to [the other city] with him. He started explaining again how I really am the one for him and that he really wants me. I told him I would be willing to but it's not possible because of money and the future of my career. He explained again that he wants to marry me and that he'll take care of the money and will help me secure my career. He sweet talked and made it all seem so easy. Yet what shocked me is how surprised he was that I was still willing to marry him this soon. I was confused, did I really look that uninterested in him? Our relationship got better and he started putting more effort into talking to me and approaching me. I still couldn't ask him on a date though because he was leaving the state again. Slowly, I started feeling like our hugs were not natural anymore and I started feeling like he looks happier talking to his friends than me.

I finally succeeded at finding the right time and asking him out on a date. Yet, he responded so nonchalantly to it. He made time for me, although he had a busy week, yet I ended up cancelling a day before. It wasn't in my control and I felt so bad about it. Ever since then though, he barely spoke to me in class and soon enough we had other arguments. He then broke a promise that hurt me badly, yet I still forgave him when he apologized. Then we argued again and he claimed that I seem uninterested in every way and that I always assume stuff about him. He blamed me for not asking him if he's studying my culture and religion, to which he claims he did as promised. And claimed that I did not follow up on my promise and that it's been 4 months and I haven't went on a date with him. I apologized and explained that it's been hard with us being on and off. I explained my worries about moving and told him that I did not get into the graduate school, so my career won't work there. He was greatly disappointed and believed that if I truly wanted to marry him like I've said before, I would make it happen. When I tried to end the relationship, because it's hurting both of us, he came to agree then later texted, "This is the end unless you make it work."

We agreed to talk about it and find a solution when we meet at college, yet we didn't find time to do so. And when we did have time, he would spend it with his friends instead. He then texted me a paragraph about us coming to an end but that I'll always be in his heart, and slowly we became like strangers. We both avoid eye contact at all cost, because we know if we do meet eyes, it won't be good. The last day rolled by and if I hadn't pulled him to say my last goodbyes, he would've never talked to me again. I talked to him and he seemed so happy that I pulled him for a talk. It was our first time talking in 4 weeks. He was smiling and giggling. I wished him luck in [the other city] and asked him if he was truly interested in me. He claimed he still is, but I'm impossible to have. We parted ways and he texted me that night, asking if there is a way we can continue a relationship even when he moves to [the other city]. He was willing to do long distance again. I asked for his expectations and he wanted me to travel to [his city] once a month to see him, to kiss him, to sleep with him. I was shocked. It was like everything I've said about my boundaries was thrown out the window. When I told him I can't do that, he stated that then it's better not to waste our time. I sent him a paragraph thanking him for the good times and ending it, and he left me on read.

 

Now his birthday is in a week and I don't know if I should text him "happy birthday". He is still special to me and I'm still hurting that we had to end and that we ended this way. We talked so much about our future, I saw so much in him. I always wonder if I ruined this with my own hands, or if there is something I could've done. There are still a few weeks before he officially moves to [the other city], but is there really anything more I can do to salvage this? Is it even worth it when he always expects me to make it happen? Was he in the right? According to him, I'll always be someone he has love for. He still thinks I'm the one, but I'm something "he has no way of getting" he said. 

 

Edited August 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed identifying information

[basil67]

I'm sorry it didn't work out.  

I don't think you were in the wrong.  And neither was he. It's just that your lifestyles and expectations were incompatible with each other. 

Him expressing that he wanted you to visit, kiss, sleep together was an OK thing for him to do.  Just as it's OK for you to express your family/religious expectation.  It's important to be able to say what we need in a relationship..... and with that information we find out if you're compatible.   The only thing which was foolish was all the future planning when you hadn't sorted out the basics to make the relationship work.  You both put the cart before the horse!

Don't message him for his birthday.  It's time for both of you to heal.

Edited May 16, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Moody said:

 in my culture, dating is restricted and it's more about marriage after meeting parents. He was willing to do long distance again. I asked for his expectations and he wanted me to travel to Oregon once a month to see him, to kiss him, to sleep with him.  

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately you are incompatible on many many levels. You want marriage, parental approval and someone who has or abides  by your religious and cultural background.

He is offering nothing but you coming out to visit him for hookups. He's completely disrespectful to you. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Listen to your friends and family.

Edited May 16, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Moody]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately you are incompatible on many many levels. You want marriage, parental approval and someone who has or abides  by your religious and cultural background.

He is offering nothing but you coming out to visit him for hookups. He's completely disrespectful to you. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Listen to your friends and family.

We're both 22. Thank you for the advice.

[stillafool]

At the age of 22 he's right a long distance relationship is hard.  Why haven't you asked you father for permission to date him yet?  That would have shown him you are trying.  He wants to be with someone he can see, date and sleep with when together.

[Moody]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

At the age of 22 he's right a long distance relationship is hard.  Why haven't you asked you father for permission to date him yet?  That would have shown him you are trying.  He wants to be with someone he can see, date and sleep with when together.

We had agreed that I'll approach my father when he's ready to be introduced and that day never came. But yes, I get what you're saying.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Moody said:

We had agreed that I'll approach my father when he's ready to be introduced and that day never came. But yes, I get what you're saying.

When who is ready to be introduced this guy or your father?  If it's this guy he's not serious or he would be putting pressure on your to meet your father.

[ExpatInItaly]

Most people are not going to be okay with a no-dates, no-kissing, no-sex relationship for very long, OP. You have to be realistic about that. 

What you had was barely a relationship in any sense of the word and it (understandably) wasn't fulfilling. You and he are just too different for this to have worked. He is right to let this go. It wasn't going to last and he would have to fundamentally change who he is. It was an unrealistic dream on both your parts, unfortunately. 

[JTSW]

Neither of you are wrong.

I disagree with someone who said he is completely disrespectful to you.

He isn't.

He was willing to do anything to be with you.

14 hours ago, Moody said:

We had agreed that I'll approach my father when he's ready to be introduced and that day never came.

Because you need to make that day happen.

He's been waiting for you to make it all happen.

I understand there are cultural differences but you need to bite the bullet and tell your father straight that you want to be with this guy.

You've kept him waiting for sooooo long.

[Acacia98]

OP, you have my sympathy.

But from where I'm sitting, you and he were just too different. It couldn't have worked. 

For your relationship to work, the guy would have had to change who he was into something closer to what you were, and even then, everything would have rested on your father's approval. If your father had rejected him, you would have followed your father's wishes. And that wouldn't have been fair to him. If your dad had accepted him, he would have to face the prospect of living the rest of his life by a set of rules that were not intuitive to him. And most people would get tired of doing that after a while. They would want to be who they were used to being. If they had kids, they would want to share who they were with those kids. If the guy got to the point where he disagreed with your religion and didn't want to raise your kids in that religion, it would have been disastrous. 

Since you have chosen to follow a tradition that really narrows down the options for you where potential partners are concerned (especially in your current context, where it appears you are part of a cultural/religious minority), you are best off considering guys who already tick the boxes. That way, when you introduce someone to your dad, you already know he will meet your dad's approval.

[Els]

On 5/16/2023 at 4:57 PM, Moody said:

my mom allowed me to go on dates with him, with the condition of having someone one/group accompany us.

Needing a "chaperone" for dates is extremely uncommon for a 22-yo in this day and age, and if this tradition is something that you wish to adhere to, then you should really only date within your culture/religion. There isn't really any chance that it will work out with anyone who doesn't follow that same set of rules. If you want to be free to date the person you love, then it's up to you to stand up to your parents and set boundaries for yourself as an adult.