do you think it's ok to have secrets in your relationship?

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Thank goodness she has safe, supportive people around her. Not everyone is that lucky!!

You are right about having good people around.  Quietly watching how a person behaves is how we know if they are safe to share our personal issues with.  If they will care about us.  

If you're with a boyfriend or your female friends and they are thoughtful and caring about others, they they are someone you can disclose to.  However if they say nasty things and gossip about others and you fear what would happen if they know, then not only are they not safe to share with, but they aren't worthy of your friendship at all.   

Choose friends carefully.  And when you have good friends who you can trust, this is when you can become emotionally intimate

Edited June 17, 2023 by basil67
typo

[Jesslyn]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I actually think it's a luxury to be able to be fully honest about all aspects of one's personality/sexuality etc.

One takes a big risk disclosing certain things to others, depending on the social setting. There's always the chance the person will turn on you after a breakup and reveal things like bisexuality, interest in BDSM, things one might have done in the past, etc, etc.

For some people in some situations, unplanned/involuntary disclosure of these things by a partner or former partner can have MAJOR consequences.

So I think many folks who have "higher risk" aspects to their personality/history learn (wisely) to be quite cautions about when, how, and who they reveal these things to. That includes with SOs/partners.

I don't think everyone who has "secrets" necessarily carries around a large burden of guilt about them. Probably some do, but I suspect many do not, e.g. if they've come to grips with that aspect of their personality vice how "society"/other people might react and realize they actually have good reasons for keeping certain things hidden.

Of course one has to (or at least should) weigh how such things might impact a partner. But it's conversely true that, just because someone has a secret, it doesn't mean they should be forced to live life without a partner. One might label such behavior "selfish" or what have you, but reproduction is (of course) a major drive, so expecting someone to forego partners for this sort of reason is idealistic/unrealistic.

I completely agree. It can be a luxury to have the freedom to be fully honest about all aspects of our personality, sexuality, and past experiences. Disclosing certain things to others, whether it's a partner or even close friends, can come with risks and potential consequences, especially in certain social settings.

[meeji]

If you are not very serious about the person, then I would not feel any pressure to share anything you don't want to. When the two of you are living together and having meals at home together, you won't be able to hide that very long. If it's casual and you are not sure where it's going, I think it's fine to keep that to yourself until you're ready to share. If you've been with the guy for a year and he still doesn't know, that's an issue.