Anyone else survived through life with no family or friends?

[pirate99]

I am 39 and have never had any family or close friends in my adult life, and I'm looking to see if others have also been through the same situation, & how you have survived yourselves if you'd like to share. 

This is something I've lived with my whole life and I take it very seriously, and it would be very rewarding to share with other people who have been through the same circumstances, it's something most people don't even know exists. 

I have a career and am working on my Master's degree, but it has taken a long time to get my feet down in the world. It can be very liberating too so there are the positive sides. I sometimes really enjoy this kind of life even though it was never a choice because you can do anything you want whenever you want.

As you know the downsides are that it's really hard to be with no support. And that other people treat you like second class and say silly things like join a club or you're choosing to be alone so I understand that part too and how thoughtless people are capable of being.

I would really like to speak to others who have managed to survive through life with no connections at all, however you have managed to get here, please share your story if you are in the same boat. It would mean a lot to me. 

[ ] 

Thanks and hope to hear from you.

Edited May 19, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gatekeeping

[MsJayne]

Depends what you mean by "no connections at all". I come from a highly dysfunctional family and never had the support system or sense of stability that a healthy family background provides, and with regard to friendships, I had/have close friends, but contact naturally got less frequent as people partnered up and had families of their own because the dynamic changes and social gatherings become oriented towards couples with kids, so the single people often feel out of place and withdraw from the social circle. I also never relied on friends for much support, overall I was mostly my own support system. I got along OK, made a career and focused on financial security, and have had a pretty good life considering a bad start, but if I'd had no friends at all, as in no one to talk to, I don't know whether I would have coped as well as I did.  You're right about people not being very aware of how lonely a single life can be, but you also have to understand that people assume you've chosen that life and that you're happy with it, they don't know what personal circumstances led you there, hence the insensitive or ignorant comments. You also have to realise that loneliness isn't the exclusive zone of the single, plenty of people with spouses, families, and wide social circles experience intense feelings of isolation and loneliness too. You're also right about the upside of being a loner -- you don't have to answer to anyone and can go where you want and do what you want without having to consider others, but that freedom comes with quite a high price, and I can attest to this, you do pay for it as you get older. I'm now watching friends enjoy their grandchildren, and I cannot deny that, weirdly, while I never envied people their children, I'm green with envy over grand-kids. I think it's to do with continuity, seeing others with extended family highlights the fact that I'm a biological dead end and when I die there'll be no trace that I was ever here. On the bright side, I eventually found my life partner at 56, and I can't wait for one of my step-kids to produce a step-grandchild that I can spoil to within an inch of it's life.  

May I ask under what circumstances you lost your family connections? Early family relationships play a major role in how we build and conduct our other relationships in life, so usually when someone's a loner it's got something to do with fear and distrust formed in early life. 

 

[Alpacalia]

When I was fifteen years old, because of a dissatisfied family life, I moved across country. I made it on my own. Met new people and established lifelong friendships. As I grew older, my family relationships improved.

Worked while going to high school and took care of myself. I did have supportive aunts and cousins though.

It sounds like you have had a difficult journey so far. It can be really hard to be on your own without support.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Alpacalia

[pirate99]

On 5/21/2023 at 10:10 AM, MsJayne said:

Depends what you mean by "no connections at all". I come from a highly dysfunctional family and never had the support system or sense of stability that a healthy family background provides, and with regard to friendships, I had/have close friends, but contact naturally got less frequent as people partnered up and had families of their own because the dynamic changes and social gatherings become oriented towards couples with kids, so the single people often feel out of place and withdraw from the social circle. I also never relied on friends for much support, overall I was mostly my own support system. I got along OK, made a career and focused on financial security, and have had a pretty good life considering a bad start, but if I'd had no friends at all, as in no one to talk to, I don't know whether I would have coped as well as I did. 

 

That's quite a story, good for you to find someone special. I am sure you'll get those step grandkids to spoil.

In terms of coping, you don't cope. I drink pretty heavily. Anyone else I've met who has been through the same thing seems to be a nervous wreck. It's not the same as feeling lonely while you're surrounded with friends - it's the kind of isolation which makes you question your sanity. Even with alcohol it's not clear to me how I ended up functional.  

On 5/21/2023 at 10:10 AM, MsJayne said:

May I ask under what circumstances you lost your family connections? Early family relationships play a major role in how we build and conduct our other relationships in life, so usually when someone's a loner it's got something to do with fear and distrust formed in early life. 

 

My father is a psychopath and my mother is atrocious. Drugs and violence ensued and that sealed the deal. They never told me who my family was, so it's a part time job to find birth/marriage certificates and work out where the rest of my family are. It's not like my bloodline is ended - they are out there, but I have to be careful about it. 

[ ] 

Edited June 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gatekeeping

[pirate99]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

When I was fifteen years old, because of a dissatisfied family life, I moved across country. I made it on my own. Met new people and established lifelong friendships. As I grew older, my family relationships improved.

Worked while going to high school and took care of myself. I did have supportive aunts and cousins though.

It sounds like you have had a difficult journey so far. It can be really hard to be on your own without support.

Ouch that sounded like a wild and brave thing to do by yourself. Good that you still managed to keep in touch with people. Yes it's difficult and degrading to be on your own.

 

7 hours ago, ReturnOfTheMike49 said:

Me  😞😇🤪

Surround yourself with a harem of potentials and whittle through them like there's no tomorrow. Tried and tested. It WORKS. 

You're welcome!  ♥️

A harem? Are you a sultan?? Lol

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, pirate99 said:

In terms of coping, you don't cope. I drink pretty heavily. Anyone else I've met who has been through the same thing seems to be a nervous wreck. It's not the same as feeling lonely while you're surrounded with friends - it's the kind of isolation which makes you question your sanity. Even with alcohol it's not clear to me how I ended up functional.  

Very true, though alcohol is in itself a coping strategy and it certainly played a part in my coping, along with other substances. As far as questioning your sanity goes, yep, that's the special gift you get to live with after being raised by kooks. On the upside, if you're questioning your sanity, you're sane. That's the kicker, people who actually are mentally disturbed never for one moment doubt their sanity. They don't have time to do that because they're way too busy gas-lighting everyone around them into oblivion and looking for opportunities to torment other people. Thing is though, you ended up functional because you're actually an incredibly strong person. After a bad start to life you could have ended up in jail, living under a bridge, or dead. But you're doing your Masters, which I always think is very impressive for people who've been raised in a bad environment and had their self-esteem smashed to bits. Probably the worst aspect, which sounds like what you're experiencing, is the difficulty forming lasting relationships and emotional connections with other people. It can make you feel like you're outside of a glass bubble, where everyone else is inside all warm and happy and completely unaware that your face is pressed against the glass and you're turning blue from the cold. If they did notice you they'd probably say something like, "You should join the local tennis club" or "Have you tried speed dating?".  

Can I ask are you searching for family members?  

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, pirate99 said:

Ouch that sounded like a wild and brave thing to do by yourself. Good that you still managed to keep in touch with people. Yes it's difficult and degrading to be on your own.

Thanks.

It wasn't easy.

I love when people make assumptions about me. That's the most enjoyable part. I'm like, grrlll please... I'm not who you think I am. I'm not gonna be the one to fit into your little box.

I know that telling someone with a broken leg to go running - most likely won't be able to do it in the short term, but you can use your time and resources to focus on getting the leg healed and eventually you'll be able to do the running.

Your attitude towards life will determine what you get. You hate life. You unlove life. You unlove fate. Things happen to you that you can't control. That's life. That's fate. Accept it. No one promises you life.

[pirate99]

51 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Probably the worst aspect, which sounds like what you're experiencing, is the difficulty forming lasting relationships and emotional connections with other people. It can make you feel like you're outside of a glass bubble, where everyone else is inside all warm and happy and completely unaware that your face is pressed against the glass and you're turning blue from the cold. If they did notice you they'd probably say something like, "You should join the local tennis club" or "Have you tried speed dating?".  

Can I ask are you searching for family members?  

 

Yes, though it's tricky with so little information. Not much luck with DNA testing either. Considering hiring a detective to help with some of the legwork. 

And yeah when people say just meet people. Sure you can do that. But it's not the same as not having people to go bowling with or drinking buddies. It's serious, I have no one to count on. And I don't bother talking about it to anyone I know because all they say is get out there. Like people "out there" say anything different.

41 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Thanks.

It wasn't easy.

I love when people make assumptions about me. That's the most enjoyable part. I'm like, grrlll please... I'm not who you think I am. I'm not gonna be the one to fit into your little box.

Yes people like their stereotypes don't they. I'm so tired of being treated like an outcast and a tramp.

[MsJayne]

4 minutes ago, pirate99 said:

Yes, though it's tricky with so little information.

So, guessing here, your parents had limited or no contact with their family of origin? It's hard work, a few years ago I was desperate to find a particular person on the other side of the world because I wanted an answer to a burning question, it took some time but I eventually did find them using social media, British 'phone books, and Ancestry.com. 

17 minutes ago, pirate99 said:

Yes people like their stereotypes don't they. I'm so tired of being treated like an outcast and a tramp.

You can put this down to people's individual life experience and general ignorance. We're all guilty of it to some degree, like for instance if I meet a woman with loads of cosmetic surgery I just instantly assume she's both shallow and thick. I can't help it because I associate excessive vanity with a lack of intelligence, (I will say though, so far I've never met one who made me think, "Oh, I was so wrong about that"). Is that what's happening for you, is there something about your appearance that makes people make assumptions? 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, pirate99 said:

Yes people like their stereotypes don't they. I'm so tired of being treated like an outcast and a tramp.

Well poo on them.

Did you never interact with other family members besides your parents while growing up? 

It takes a lot of courage and determination to get a master's degree without the support of your friends and family.

 

[pirate99]

22 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Did you never interact with other family members besides your parents while growing up? 

Not often. They've made it clear it later life they don't want to know me. Probably due to the actions of some people closer to me. 

[pirate99]

On 5/22/2023 at 12:18 AM, MsJayne said:

So, guessing here, your parents had limited or no contact with their family of origin? 

They had contact, but it doesn't seem like much of it was authentic or friendly. It seems as if they're highly disliked. They are from very different backgrounds, so there is a class divide too. 

On 5/22/2023 at 12:18 AM, MsJayne said:

Is that what's happening for you, is there something about your appearance that makes people make assumptions? 

No, but you never get treated as valuable or equal by others as you do by people who actually care about you. And I have definitely been forced to change my mind about how wrong I have been about people, addicts, bad leaders, etc. In contrast people generally stick with stereotypes, very hard to ever find someone who sees the individual in someone but that is the world for you. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, pirate99 said:

Not often. They've made it clear it later life they don't want to know me. Probably due to the actions of some people closer to me. 

I don't know of course, but my guess would be that it is not you. It's easier for them to make you think it's you because then they don't have to admit it's them.

You mentioned your parents. Some people were not meant to be parents at the time they were. They are not ready. They have been missing something in their life, also been neglected, and have not had the resources or skills to adequately care for a child.

I'm so sorry that you're estranged from your family. It's better to stay away from that kind of environment and protect yourself.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/21/2023 at 8:58 AM, pirate99 said:

. I drink pretty heavily. . Even with alcohol it's not clear to me how I ended up functional.  

My father is a psychopath and my mother is atrocious. Drugs and violence ensued and that sealed the deal. 

It doesn't seem like tracking down family is a good choice if you already know they're like this. In fact, distancing yourself is a good idea.

As far as friends and drinking buddies,  heavy alcohol consumption will definitely increase your sense of isolation. See if you can get some support and information here:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

[MsJayne]

21 hours ago, pirate99 said:

And I have definitely been forced to change my mind about how wrong I have been about people, addicts, bad leaders, etc.

Recognising unsavoury types isn't a bad thing. For some people growing up around really bad behaviour can cause a tendency to be overly tolerant of abusive people and idiots, so you end up attracting too many of them into your life and it affects your view of people in general.  

[pirate99]

.

Edited May 24, 2023 by pirate99
Needed to clear cookies

[pirate99]

On 5/23/2023 at 5:36 AM, Alpacalia said:

I don't know of course, but my guess would be that it is not you. It's easier for them to make you think it's you because then they don't have to admit it's them.

Pretty much. You can take something like this very personally, especially when everyone seems against you, but I've found you have to remember people are individuals, it is not you against the world. And people are perfectly capable of acting childishly about serious things all the time. 

 

20 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Recognising unsavoury types isn't a bad thing. For some people growing up around really bad behaviour can cause a tendency to be overly tolerant of abusive people and idiots, so you end up attracting too many of them into your life and it affects your view of people in general.  

It messes with your mind about what abusive is. You don't have a good "rulebook" as such so you have to learn from others, and there is so much chaos about what is abusive and not abusive. Only knowing what is wrong isn't enough, it's hard to build any kind of good relationship without a role model. 

 

On 5/23/2023 at 9:18 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like tracking down family is a good choice if you already know they're like this. In fact, distancing yourself is a good idea.

As far as friends and drinking buddies,  heavy alcohol consumption will definitely increase your sense of isolation. See if you can get some support and information here:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

Please please try not to offer advice or opinion. It's degrading, and distancing myself from all family was a terrible idea too. If I hadn't had done that, I wouldn't have become completely estranged. That was a seriously bad choice I made and it hurts to look back on it. As well as hanging around with reformed addicts who all ended up relapsing, that was another very bad and dangerous choice I made. 

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, pirate99 said:

It messes with your mind about what abusive is. You don't have a good "rulebook" as such so you have to learn from others, and there is so much chaos about what is abusive and not abusive.

Yes, and also it's common that adults who were abused as children also are gaslit by the abuser/s, as in they deny that the abuse ever took place, you imagined it all, you were the problem, etc, etc. That can be an extremely damaging experience as it causes the victim to question their own perceptions and constantly second-guess themselves, and that causes serious problems in subsequent relationships because you've learned that challenging the abuser results in more abuse, so you just take it until you explode......and then another relationship expires. From your own individual point of view,  you're an intelligent person, you're educating yourself and obviously working towards a professional career, and without the negative childhood experience you'd probably be enjoying a successful and happy life with healthy relationships, and most likely wouldn't be hanging out with people who bring you down and let you down. Your self-esteem's the thing that matters most, it's just a weird fact that if you value and respect yourself you naturally avoid people who don't value and respect you, and vice versa.

Changing the subject a little, but can I ask what you're doing your Masters in? 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, pirate99 said:

Pretty much. You can take something like this very personally, especially when everyone seems against you, but I've found you have to remember people are individuals, it is not you against the world. And people are perfectly capable of acting childishly about serious things all the time. 

Indeed, it can be a deeply challenging experience to feel like the world is against you, particularly when faced with personal conflicts or when surrounded by seemingly unsupportive individuals. It can be very easy to feel very isolated and discouraged. People are, at their core, individuals with their own unique perspectives, experiences, and motivations.

The culture we grow up in has imprinted our minds with norms, values and beliefs of which we are unconscious of.  So it's like, hell, even if I try one thing, does that mean I am automatically out of luck? Especially considering that culture is the result of a group's collective beliefs, values, and behaviors. It is difficult to recognize and question these beliefs, values, and behaviors, since they are so ingrained in our psyche, but it is an important part of understanding who we are and where we come from.

And then we take these beliefs and values and pass them down through generations, creating a shared cultural identity. We internalize the beliefs and values of our culture, and they become part of our identities. Culture, however is not static. It is always changing and evolving, based on the interactions and experiences of the people within it. Just because someone is born into a certain environment does not mean that they are doomed to always think and behave in the same way. 

Often, conflict or disagreements are the result of misunderstandings, prejudices, or a lack of effective communication. Whether or not others treat you well is not necessarily a reflection of your worth. The world is not against you based on your perception of the actions of individual individuals.

Having an awareness of this aspect of human nature can help us detach ourselves from the negative impact of others' actions and be able to maintain an objective view of the world around us. Hopefully. 

[pirate99]

So I tried reaching out to a cousin recently. The only way was a clandestine service. It was expensive and time-consuming. Turns out he was murdered 6 months ago. I am trying to figure out the circumstances. His daughter must have been orphaned. My alcoholic sister lied that he was a pedophile. I'll never forgive her for that. 

The funny thing is I planned this 2 years ago. He was the only one that seemed trustworthy. But approaching anyone always seemed to end in hostilities if I wasn't doing well. Like how am I supposed to be a high flyer if you're going to leave me homeless. Some of these people are filthy rich. So I got myself together and by that time he's dead.

I don't get it. There's no reason to my family. Aren't families supposed to stick together. Isn't it reasonable to have at least one family member who will stick around. It's humiliating. No one even told me he was dead. But of course they wouldn't.

No I don't want sympathy or to cry about it. All I want is a family like normal people. 

[Luna66star]

I've been predominantly alone most of my life.  Mother was in a mental hospital, father rarely gave me any attention.  Learned to fend for myself.  Was sent to 2 foster homes, molested in one of them.  Tried to sue but in the end all I got was a huge lawyer  bill.  Not particularly stellar life experiences.  Have had relationships but they all ended.  Was taken advantage of. I couldn't be assertive and set boundaries.  Never into drugs or alcohol but 🧘‍♀️ and yoga have given me peace.  Do not think I connect well with others so I gave up trying. Have pets I love and a healthy lifestyle.  Step sister got a hold of me on FB while back, after 6 yrs of no contact.  We hung out a few times, she moved to a nearby town.  Asked her to get in touch when she's here again.  No response.  You see, it's the same.  I'm used to being alone all these years but at times I can be lonely.  Like at Christmas.

  

 

Edited June 11, 2023 by Luna66star
Typos