Did she lose interest?

[Energygone]

So at my current office job that ive been at for 7 months ive been talking to this one girl, she started being around me alot, staring at me alot, and she would walk by me alot, touching me on the shoulder and things like that, so one day i asked how she was and she just sat by me and we started talking for awhile, she would keep going outside on her break where i was and sit close until i would tell her to come sit by me again and we would talk. Im not sure why but i started to get real nervous around her even more because i started to get feelings i guess, everytime i talk to her i just mumble and ask dumb questions now. Because of my anxiety plus shes a shy girl so its hard to read how shes feeling at the moment, so a couple weeks later i ask for her number and she looks at me and says "why do you want my number"? and out of nervousness i say "so we can hang out sometime" and she gave it to me and said bye and walked off. Then a couple days later i see her and she says "can i talk to you?" "i said is it about the number?" she says "yes, i gave you my number out of anxiety and i dont really know you that well" so i said "ok i understand, do you have a boyfriend?" and she smiles and says "no, is that why you asked?" and i said "yeah" we laughed and then went to our desks. After that i felt like i got rejected so i started avoiding her at work because my anxiety and i was overthinking everything like maybe im being too needy or desperate. And now she acts different, she dont look at me as much as she used to, she dont come by me anymore or smile that much anymore. If i wave at her and say hi she will respond but thats about it. Last time i tried having a convo with her she just seemed uninterested in talking to me any more. What can i do to bounce back from this? was i acting too needy or was me not talking to her as much after that made it seem like i didnt like her anymore? im not sure what to do but having to see her everyday hurts and i wish i could see if she still likes me or not

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Energygone said:

 she says "yes, i gave you my number out of anxiety and i dont really know you that well" 

She may be avoiding you because you made her feel awkward by hitting on her. Please be professional at work. Even if you have a crush,  don't ask for numbers and hangouts. 

Step far away and just be polite, friendly and professional.  She obviously doesn't want to communicate or see you outside of work so it's best to drop it.

[JTSW]

It's not a good idea to get involved with a colleague.

Things have become awkward already and nothing has happened yet.

 

[mark clemson]

Lesson learned here: if a woman gives you her number, you're supposed to USE IT to call her and get to know her better. Not hang on to it and do nothing.

That might be easier said than done if you're shy/have social anxiety or whatnot. Nonetheless the reality here (IMO) is that she isn't impressed. Indeed her comment about you having her number and not knowing her well indicates she may (now) be feeling a bit "creeped out".

Women (and sometimes men) can swing rapidly between feeling interested and feeling put off, particularly at the early stages. So, it's important to keep things moving in a positive direction without being "overbearing" or "clingy". Generally you want to come across as a person who has their own interests and is headed in a positive direction in life AND is also interested in her.

Also communication is key. Some of that communication can be subtle and non-verbal such as you describe, and clearly you picked up on each others' "signals". However, things can't stay that way - you need to move things forward into "real' verbal communication. That's what the phone number is for, and it does require breaking through the social anxiety "ice" (which most of us feel to some extent).

So, next time you get a number, CALL and have a conversation about "how's it going" with perhaps some witty observations about your work environment or some other topic of common interest. Be sure to tell her you think she seems really nice and say you'd like to do something together. Have a few date ideas handy such as visiting a park or attraction together, dinner or lunch, a one-shot art class, or wine tasting, and see which ones she seems to like/goes for. Be open to her suggestions if she has some as well.

Given the situation as it currently stands, I'd say your best bet is to show little interest in her and focus on self-improvement AND finding other women to date. Trying to drive up a one-way street where she's no longer interested is a waste of time and might lead to problems at work. There is a very small, but real, chance that she comes back around and shows renewed interest. IF that happens, you can pick it up from there. But don't go looking/hoping for that as the probability is quite low.

If the renewed interest doesn't come from her, you're just wasting your time. The good news is: THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

The point made above about not dating co-workers is also a valid one and something you should consider. Some people have this as a "policy" of sorts for themselves, and there is wisdom to it. Not everyone handles breakups well and many folks have a story or two about a "crazy Ex". The last thing you want in a work environment is something like that. Trust me, the sad reality is that plenty of careers have been derailed because someone got vindictive after a breakup.

Edited May 22, 2023 by mark clemson

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps in giving you her Number, She later also gave you an excuse.  However, She tried to be polite.  I believe she changed her mind about dating  a Coworker, For if anything would ever go Sour, You both would feel a lot of uneasiness and tension eight hours a day.  Leave it alone now and just be casual at work just as two coworkers.  I think this is what s😐he wants.

[Energygone]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She may be avoiding you because you made her feel awkward by hitting on her. Please be professional at work. Even if you have a crush,  don't ask for numbers and hangouts. 

Step far away and just be polite, friendly and professional.  She obviously doesn't want to communicate or see you outside of work so it's best to drop it.

I wish i can make it to where its not awkward between us again, it hurts too because last week i heard her complimenting some guys earrings or something and it was all in my face i felt so shitty. I have to hear other guys hit on her all the time when if i just didnt mess it up i coulda had a chance. I was going to just talk to her a little bit today but i get so nervous again and didnt. I looked at her and she just quickly looked to her left. 

Edited May 22, 2023 by Energygone

[Energygone]

14 hours ago, JTSW said:

It's not a good idea to get involved with a colleague.

Things have become awkward already and nothing has happened yet.

 

How can i make it not awkward again?

[Energygone]

12 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

Perhaps in giving you her Number, She later also gave you an excuse.  However, She tried to be polite.  I believe she changed her mind about dating  a Coworker, For if anything would ever go Sour, You both would feel a lot of uneasiness and tension eight hours a day.  Leave it alone now and just be casual at work just as two coworkers.  I think this is what s😐he wants.

It sucks because she was showing interest first and so when she changed her mind it hurt so bad. I feel strung along or something. I tried talking to her today but got nervous and then i looked at her and she just looked to her left and thats it. It sucks really bad i like her alot too

[Energygone]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Lesson learned here: if a woman gives you her number, you're supposed to USE IT to call her and get to know her better. Not hang on to it and do nothing.

That might be easier said than done if you're shy/have social anxiety or whatnot. Nonetheless the reality here (IMO) is that she isn't impressed. Indeed her comment about you having her number and not knowing her well indicates she may (now) be feeling a bit "creeped out".

Women (and sometimes men) can swing rapidly between feeling interested and feeling put off, particularly at the early stages. So, it's important to keep things moving in a positive direction without being "overbearing" or "clingy". Generally you want to come across as a person who has their own interests and is headed in a positive direction in life AND is also interested in her.

Also communication is key. Some of that communication can be subtle and non-verbal such as you describe, and clearly you picked up on each others' "signals". However, things can't stay that way - you need to move things forward into "real' verbal communication. That's what the phone number is for, and it does require breaking through the social anxiety "ice" (which most of us feel to some extent).

So, next time you get a number, CALL and have a conversation about "how's it going" with perhaps some witty observations about your work environment or some other topic of common interest. Be sure to tell her you think she seems really nice and say you'd like to do something together. Have a few date ideas handy such as visiting a park or attraction together, dinner or lunch, a one-shot art class, or wine tasting, and see which ones she seems to like/goes for. Be open to her suggestions if she has some as well.

Given the situation as it currently stands, I'd say your best bet is to show little interest in her and focus on self-improvement AND finding other women to date. Trying to drive up a one-way street where she's no longer interested is a waste of time and might lead to problems at work. There is a very small, but real, chance that she comes back around and shows renewed interest. IF that happens, you can pick it up from there. But don't go looking/hoping for that as the probability is quite low.

If the renewed interest doesn't come from her, you're just wasting your time. The good news is: THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

The point made above about not dating co-workers is also a valid one and something you should consider. Some people have this as a "policy" of sorts for themselves, and there is wisdom to it. Not everyone handles breakups well and many folks have a story or two about a "crazy Ex". The last thing you want in a work environment is something like that. Trust me, the sad reality is that plenty of careers have been derailed because someone got vindictive after a breakup.

You think i waited to long to text her too? You think maybe she thought i was just validating myself or something? I just feel really lost i cant even talk to her the way i want to because of my anxiety f***s it all up for me, now i see all these guys flirting with her in my face at work and it hurts so bad. I feel like now that i dont conversate with her she just moved on from me and i want to talk to her real bad but my anxiety wont let me. Its not fair. So what youre saying is the only chance i have now is waiting for her to show interest again like she did in the beginning with me? For the past month all ive said to her is good morning or have a good day at the end of work. For the past month i havent even had a good convo with her while all these other guys can talk to her no problem.  Today i tried looking at her to see if she smiled but she just looked to the left and thats it. Also in the beginning i felt like i had more confidence around her and less anxiety but now its a different story.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Energygone

[SurfCity]

Have you ever had a gf before? 

Do you have male and female friends and an active social life? 

Seems like this is dead in the water, but you're trying to blame her when you were the one who changed your behavior because of your anxiety. You should look into getting treatment for your anxiety, it's not anyone's responsibility to manage but your own. What are you so scared of anyway? 

[Energygone]

10 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

Have you ever had a gf before? 

Do you have male and female friends and an active social life? 

Seems like this is dead in the water, but you're trying to blame her when you were the one who changed your behavior because of your anxiety. You should look into getting treatment for your anxiety, it's not anyone's responsibility to manage but your own. What are you so scared of anyway? 

Yeah i have alot of gfs before and friends too, why do you say its dead in the water? I guess im scared of pissing her off or annoying her, im scared that im not going to get the response i want im guessing is what it is, i always overthink everything too like what should i say or what should i do, those thoughts are always in my head before im trying to talk to her

[SurfCity]

Why? Because of the quote below. Second chances are for fairytales, really rare to actually experience. 

You think that you can trick her into a relationship with you by using a fake personality. That's why you're so scared that you'll say the wrong thing because you're not trying to use your authentic personality. You're trying to use a personality that you think that she'll like, but you don't know enough about her to know what she'll like, so you don't know which fake persona to use and that makes you too terrified to say anything. If you used your real personality, there's nothing to be that anxious about, because you're looking for a genuine connection with someone that you click with which can only happen by being yourself. (Being a little bit nervous is normal, but you're way past that.)

That's why I asked if you've ever had a gf before because lots of people learn that it's impossible to maintain a fake personality for an entire relationship, so it's better to be yourself from the beginning. Also, being concerned about being needy makes it sounds like you read those mra websites which are usually only popular with guys who've never dated. 

On 5/21/2023 at 11:21 PM, Energygone said:

so i started avoiding her at work because my anxiety and i was overthinking everything like maybe im being too needy or desperate. And now she acts different, she dont look at me as much as she used to, she dont come by me anymore or smile that much anymore. If i wave at her and say hi she will respond but thats about it. Last time i tried having a convo with her she just seemed uninterested in talking to me any more.

 

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, Energygone said:

How can i make it not awkward again?

By talking to her and clear the air.

Your anxiety is overruling at the moment and that is what's causing the issues.

It gives the impression that you are not interested and avoidant.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Energygone said:

How can i make it not awkward again?

Leave her alone. You can make it less awkward by being friendly, polite and professional but backing off. Simply smile say hi and get back to work.

But not for the purpose of pursuing an uninterested crush, but to be a better coworker and more appropriate.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women outside of work.  

[glows]

How closely do you work with her? It’s important you learn to get along with as many people as possible at work. If you’re fixating on one person it may be an indication you might want to work on other areas. Make friends outside of work, go to local meet ups, connect with people. And mind you, it may be smaller groups if that’s better in regards to your social anxiety.

Whatever you’re doing isn’t working right now. Try seeking counselling or speak to someone even if it’s a phone session if you’re too anxious to meet someone in person to talk about this.

As for your coworker, try not to clam up around her and at least say hello. I’d actually apologize for the number mishap as she was clearly uncomfortable. You don’t need a woman’s phone number to get a date or just go for coffee! That’s a huge mistake. Just ask if someone would be interested in a coffee next time and work out the details later. You see each other at work also so no need for personal contacts. 

If she continues to avoid you, don’t keep fixating and pursuing her on how to make things better. That’s a selfish pursuit for you without regard for the other person. Just leave it and focus on socials outside of work.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, Energygone said:

i see all these guys flirting with her in my face at work

feel like now that i dont conversate with her she just moved on from me and i want to talk to her real bad but my anxiety wont let me. Its not fair.

Correct, I think you waited too long.

It's perfectly normal for her to flirt with some guys at work. That's her business, not yours. While it can be easier said than done, I think you need to let her go and move on. Jealousy and being fixated on her won't do anything for you but make you distressed.

In fact I think even if she shows mild interest in you, you should ignore it. Settle for nothing less than real interest in a relationship from her. That is unlikely to ever happen, BUT you don't want her roping your interest back in but giving you nothing in return. Some folks will do this for a sense of "validation". So if she shows interest, she needs to make it "real".

In the meantime, absolutely your best bet odds-wise is to make yourself as attractive as possible and go find another woman to be with. You are living and learning and there is definitely a learning process that goes on WRT the strong emotions generated by romance/sexual interest.

Edited May 23, 2023 by mark clemson