Fiancée broke up with me randomly 6 months after she had serious crash

[Rev123]

Hello, I’m really struggling to come to terms with what’s going on with my relationship, so any help will he appreciated,

 

My girlfriend had a serious car crash 6 months ago which left her with bad injuries to legs with a 2 year rehab, 

 

I thought she was doing really well, the doctors even said this, but the other day she randomly says to me she’s struggling really bad with everything and prefers being on her own, so after some sobbing I accepted her going back to her parents,

 

2 days ago she came by requesting me to be out to collect some things, so I did so (She didn’t take much) So high on emotions she had text me saying been and gone thanks, so I said no problem I miss you, which she replied we need to continue to go our separate ways I don’t feel the same anymore, 

 

So does she just need time away or are we really over, rarely argued always had it solved within a day and was recently engaged after her crash

 

 I’ve never dealt with a break up before, so unsure if this is normal, but after everything we’ve been through and my love for the girl I can’t accept it

 

Thanks

[Alpacalia]

Her whole attitude to life may have changed. She may have experienced such intense emotions that the way she thinks has permanently changed. Things like a big crash can serve as rather compelling reminders that we aren't immortal, and that we should sometimes let go of the past.

Her perception of you might have changed. She might return after settling down. It may take months or never happen.

Breaking up with you is far less important than the crash. I'm glad she survived. How are you handling the aftermath of the crash?

If she refuses to talk to you and wants to end the relationship, you're going to have to respect her wishes and understand that her safety and wellbeing is more important than any romantic relationship. It's understandable that she might be shaken up and need some time to recover from the accident before she can think about her feelings for you.

I'm sorry.

[Rev123]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Her whole attitude to life may have changed. She may have experienced such intense emotions that the way she thinks has permanently changed. Things like a big crash can serve as rather compelling reminders that we aren't immortal, and that we should sometimes let go of the past.

Her perception of you might have changed. She might return after settling down. It may take months or never happen.

Breaking up with you is far less important than the crash. I'm glad she survived. How are you handling the aftermath of the crash?

If she refuses to talk to you and wants to end the relationship, you're going to have to respect her wishes and understand that her safety and wellbeing is more important than any romantic relationship. It's understandable that she might be shaken up and need some time to recover from the accident before she can think about her feelings for you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for your reply, this does sound accurate, but I love her so much I don’t want to just move on, I want to be there if she does need me, but is that me just being unrealistic, should I give it a week and try and reach out?

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, Rev123 said:

Thank you for your reply, this does sound accurate, but I love her so much I don’t want to just move on, I want to be there if she does need me, but is that me just being unrealistic, should I give it a week and try and reach out?

You won’t be able to “just move on” as it was a serious relationship and you’ll need time to grieve the end of it. That being said, I wouldn’t reach out at all. Let her contact you if she wants to. Otherwise just let things be. The goal here isn’t to get back together; it’s to get to a place where you’re not thinking about her all the time and you’re at peace with moving forward through life without her.

[Rev123]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You won’t be able to “just move on” as it was a serious relationship and you’ll need time to grieve the end of it. That being said, I wouldn’t reach out at all. Let her contact you if she wants to. Otherwise just let things be. The goal here isn’t to get back together; it’s to get to a place where you’re not thinking about her all the time and you’re at peace with moving forward through life without her.

Thank you for your reply, I’ve never experienced this before, but I think you might be right, it’s just the coming to terms with it all I’m struggling with, as we were so good 

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Rev123 said:

Thank you for your reply, this does sound accurate, but I love her so much I don’t want to just move on, I want to be there if she does need me, but is that me just being unrealistic, should I give it a week and try and reach out?

She has said that "she doesn't feel the same." She has explicitly asked for space.

In this situation, it's best to respect her wishes and give her the space she asked for. Reaching out to her in a week may not give her enough time to process her emotions, and it might just make her feel even more overwhelmed and distressed. It may be better to wait a few more weeks before trying to reach out to her, (if at all). 

I know this is hard for you and that you may be feeling lonely or sad. I encourage you to look for ways to stay occupied and engaged. Connect with other people, try out new hobbies, go for a walk, meditate, write, create art, or something else you enjoy doing. Taking care of yourself is equally as important as taking care of your relationship.

Edited May 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Rev123]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

She has said that "she doesn't feel the same." She has explicitly asked for space.

In this situation, it's best to respect her wishes and give her the space she asked for. Reaching out to her in a week may not give her enough time to process her emotions, and it might just make her feel even more overwhelmed and distressed. It may be better to wait a few more weeks before trying to reach out to her, (if at all). 

I know this is hard for you and that you may be feeling lonely or sad. I encourage you to look for ways to stay occupied and engaged. Connect with other people, try out new hobbies, go for a walk, meditate, write, create art, or something else you enjoy doing. Taking care of yourself is equally as important as taking care of your relationship.

You’ve given me everything I need, I feel like you really understand and I’m hearing everything you say! I have been trying to keep busy but every day feels like a week is the hardest part.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Rev123 said:

 I’ve never dealt with a break up before, so unsure if this is normal, but after everything we’ve been through and my love for the girl I can’t accept it

 

You need to accept it, and you need to listen to what she has told you.  She clearly told you that she doesn't want to continue this relationship.  You need to respect that.  I know that's not what you want to hear; breakups are hard.  No one ever said they are easy.  But you need to start the process of moving on.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

More information would be helpful. Injuries to legs. That could be anything from sore knees to major bone breaks and nerve damage and multiple surgeries of varying degrees of success. Two-year rehab? I mean, did she suffer paralysis? Or a concussion and brain damage?

A lot of people feel extremely vulnerable when they get sick or suffer a major injury. They lose confidence. They feel ashamed. They no longer feel attractive. I used to get depressed every time I got sick with a serious cold. And I would shut down. Took me a bit to learn that when I'm sick, I can ask my partner to take care of me! And she the same!

Is your fiancé (or former) a black-white person, as in life has no grays or ambiguity? Is she a perfectionist? Before this crash, was she the kind of person who would tell you really vulnerable feelings and moments she had? 

It's quite kind of you to want to be there to help her. But you can't. And actually, you don't want to. Why? Because she has to be open to accepting your love and support. You cannot open up another person no matter how kind and compassionate you are. Lots of people in her position would have called you in closer for support. She can't do that. There’s a chance her reaction may have zero to do with you. 

It's a little strange that you want to take care of her even as she has gone cold on you and rejected your care. What's up with that?

It's also possible that the recovery from the crash--which can extremely frustrating and demoralizing-- allowed her to see things in the relationship or feel things in the relationship that she had ignored or been suppressing. Someone with more emotional depth than her would have told you this, so you wouldn't feel so lost. 

Reaching out would be a waste of time and an unhealthy distraction.  She knows exactly what you feel. Her distance and breakup are not a matter of confusion about your feelings for her. She knows you like her and feel crushed. Reaching out serves what purpose? None!

Have you talked to any of her friends about what's going on. I mean if you were engaged, then I would say it's appropriate for you to reach out one of her friends to see if they have some insight for you. You might not learn anything--they might or might not know what's going on and may not share it even if they do. 

Question: you were engaged, so what do you THINK (yes, it’s uncertain) is going on with her? Add up the clues of her personality, her view of the world and so on, and guess: what do you think is up?

Also was she distant immediately after the accident? Or did she get distant over time?

Edited May 22, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Rev123 said:

You’ve given me everything I need, I feel like you really understand and I’m hearing everything you say! I have been trying to keep busy but every day feels like a week is the hardest part.

That's good. 

How old is your ex-fiancée? How was the relationship between you before the car accident? Did she have a concussion/traumatic brain injury?

There is no doubt that people process trauma differently, but it must be very unsettling for you that she didn't find comfort or solace in the company of you. I know when I had a motor incident years ago the first thing I wanted to do at the time was reach out to my boyfriend for comfort. I was pretty shaken up over it and he comforted me.

So it's curious that she distanced herself so much from you, like the above member mentioned.

Do you think it's possible that she had reservations about getting married before the accident?

Sometimes there's not as much grey area as we'd like to think, and things are just black and white. She was in a vulnerable spot after her accident and in the end she realized she had to rely on herself and make her own decisions. You’re not a bad person because of that but man, that's tough.