So upset after break up. Work with ex.

[glows]

21 hours ago, clh1920 said:

I guess I'm struggling with the anger he still seems to be showing towards me (in the company of others who are totally unaware of the situation), when I have done what he seemed to want me to do & I've left him alone (except for an unavoidable work related conversation where he couldn't even look at me)

Thinking back, the past week/fortnight he was extremely stressed about his boss, he said he really is struggling with the stress of his role & his health condition. I asked him (once, and no more) is there anything relating to us that is stressing him as if there was, maybe I could help....the answer was "no...definitely not. Just that place and (bosses name)". I accepted his answer and moved on. Obviously he wasn't being honest at the time.

Do you have any examples of this anger? Is it him being brusque or rude towards you when you’re at work aside from not looking at you? In my mind someone avoiding eye contact is a person who is unsettled with themselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean that person is angry. If he’s rude towards you in any way distance yourself. No contact is a good way to retrain yourself and teach yourself you don’t need to keep checking in with that person anymore to feel ok. You CAN move on.

I understand you still care about him but someone who doesn’t want to be with you will tend to push the other person away. He’s likely trying to distance himself. Let him be and focus on healing and accepting this is over.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, clh1920 said:

 I am still thinking the anger he is displaying is my fault . It has crossed my mind that maybe it is his reaction to the break up rather than his reaction to me

It seems more like you dodged a bullet. His hostility is not your fault. He seems unable to manage stress. Anyone who resorts to tantrums and hostility when faced with life's challenges is a red flag.

Step as far away as possible.  He's a loose canon and someone you should be grateful for being rid of. Please take him off the pedestal and assuming guilt for his problems. This isn't about you.

[clh1920]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Keep going down the path. You do not want to let other people's lashing out to demoralize you. I mean superficially sure. 

It's tricky. Many of us are self-interested so our interpretations aren't very fair to the other partner. But you can go too far to the other side. This guy is lashing out and you feel guilty. You want to get out of that. That's a red flag for you. Someone dates you and acts crazy and lashes out and distances and doesn't really explain and YOU feel guilty. You want to get to the point where you can reassure yourself. 

Right now, you're choosing his view over yours. Yes, I get it: you have reflexive guilt. Don't assume that reflex is smart or insightful or right. Allow the thinking brain to sort things out. The body will eventually come along. 

Thanks again for your message. It really is helping me to look at different perspectives.

I guess due to the nature of his angry messages before I stopped replying, I think each time he displays anger its directed at me. Especially due to it only being 3 days since it ended.

Yes you are correct. He changed out of the blue and behaved completely out of character towards me suddenly (in my opinion though it may not have been sudden to him). Lashes out and doesn't really explain. And yes I feel guilty and hurt....you are right. 

I guess I wish he would talk to me. Logically I know that won't achieve much (if anything). 

[clh1920]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Do you have any examples of this anger? Is it him being brusque or rude towards you when you’re at work aside from not looking at you? In my mind someone avoiding eye contact is a person who is unsettled with themselves. It doesn’t necessarily mean that person is angry. If he’s rude towards you in any way distance yourself. No contact is a good way to retrain yourself and teach yourself you don’t need to keep checking in with that person anymore to feel ok. You CAN move on.

I understand you still care about him but someone who doesn’t want to be with you will tend to push the other person away. He’s likely trying to distance himself. Let him be and focus on healing and accepting this is over.

Aside from his angry messages to me which I stopped replying to, he has ignored 2 colleagues when they have spoken to him and I have been present. He has literally thrown a tantrum and stomped out of his office. Granted, it might not have been aimed at me. But the fact his texts to me where angry then he has displayed that type of behaviour in my presence (which is totally out of character for him....so we all thought), I feel it is me.

I get that this only happened on Monday. Its 3 days and still raw. But im doing what I presumed he wanted me to do...and keep away. And I im feeling I can't win.

Thank you for your reply. Along with others on here, it is helping me see it from another perspective.

[clh1920]

UPDATE

I should add that i am going to a colleagues birthday drinks after work tonight. My ex has decided he is going to be there (mutual work friends). He has appeared in work today dressed smarter than usual (the type of clothes i used to compliment him in, thought i doubt he'd remember) and looking full health. I have already accepted the invite a while ago but i am now unsure as to if i should go or not.

I don't really want to back out as i dont want to look like i am avoiding him. And i have been looking forward to the evening before i knew he would definitely be attending. I now feel like crying and am so anxious about how he is going to be towards me and also i don't want others to notice anything. I know despite how i am feeling, i can act normal. But i am unsure if he can and am worried he will deliberately leave me out of conversations, ignore me or even make rude comments to me etc.

When all i am trying to do is get on with my life and leave him alone like he appeared to want. 

Edited May 25, 2023 by clh1920
Updated

[JTSW]

You were invited before he was, so there is no reason you shouldn't go.

If he wants to be immature and pathetic then let him.

Don't miss out just because of him.

Show him that you are fine and happy without him and enjoy yourself there.

You don't necessarily have to interact with him at all. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Go. Enjoy your time with your friends. The best case scenario is that you may be compelled to be polite for a few minutes due to protocol. Prepare yourself for this. It is a valuable life skill, and you will benefit from it for the rest of your days.

Besides, it might be a good party and you could end up having a lot of fun. That’s worth a little effort, right?

If you feel really bad once you're there you can always leave.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, clh1920 said:

 i am unsure if he can and am worried he will deliberately leave me out of conversations, ignore me.

Go to the event and have fun. You should be the one who  deliberately leaves him out of conversations, ignores him.

Be polite friendly and stay close to others and avoid him. Please do not worship abusive behavior and crawl after him..

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, clh1920 said:

I now feel like crying and am so anxious about how he is going to be towards me and also i don't want others to notice anything. I know despite how i am feeling, i can act normal. But i am unsure if he can and am worried he will deliberately leave me out of conversations, ignore me or even make rude comments to me etc.

Since you said no one at your job knows you two were dating it's doubtful your coworkers will notice anything about the way he treats you.  Don't hang around where he's in conversation with someone that way you don't have to worry about him excluding you from the conversation, ignoring you or making rude comments.  Don't be around him and that can't happen. Just enjoy your friends at the party and ignore him.

[glows]

2 hours ago, clh1920 said:

UPDATE

I should add that i am going to a colleagues birthday drinks after work tonight. My ex has decided he is going to be there (mutual work friends). He has appeared in work today dressed smarter than usual (the type of clothes i used to compliment him in, thought i doubt he'd remember) and looking full health. I have already accepted the invite a while ago but i am now unsure as to if i should go or not.

I don't really want to back out as i dont want to look like i am avoiding him. And i have been looking forward to the evening before i knew he would definitely be attending. I now feel like crying and am so anxious about how he is going to be towards me and also i don't want others to notice anything. I know despite how i am feeling, i can act normal. But i am unsure if he can and am worried he will deliberately leave me out of conversations, ignore me or even make rude comments to me etc.

When all i am trying to do is get on with my life and leave him alone like he appeared to want. 

Another perspective here. I’d probably go but that’s just me and entirely personal and dependent on a lot of factors. You need to feel comfortable otherwise what’s the fun or the point? 

If you feel he’s a loose cannon and value your career for example and feel it’s not worth it, cancel or leave early after a drink. You don’t have to stay for long or do what everyone else is doing. Tailor it so that YOU do what you’re comfortable with. And that doesn’t have to mean going either. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. 

I always say take care of yourself at the end of such events also. If you are drinking figure out a ride home independently. Don’t depend on anyone at the party to get you home for a ride. Drink reasonably and be independent in how you handle the night. Let us know how it goes. There is no right or wrong if you don’t want to go.

Edited May 25, 2023 by glows

[Acacia98]

On 5/23/2023 at 9:14 PM, clh1920 said:

Then it hit the fan. He sent text after text telling me how I push and push him and how he's had enough, how I have now caused us to fall out even though its not what he wanted. I admit, I replied begging him to not let us fall out (3 texts....i know). He texted that I now made him unhappy and that's that.

Whenever someone pulls this kind of stunt with someone they're in a relationship with (i.e. blaming the other person for his/her problematic actions, blaming the other person for his/her unhappiness), I start to pay attention. In my experience, it's usually an indication that the first person wants out of the relationship but doesn't want to be blamed for the breakup. So they engineer a fight out of thin air or escalate a tiny conflict and turn it into World War III. If I'm right and that's what happened in your case, then you're feeling guilty because his manipulations worked. I don't think a different reaction on your part would have changed the outcome.

Going forward, you need to disengage emotionally so that you're not tapping into his feelings (whatever they are) and blaming yourself for them. And please prioritize yourself and your feelings. If you're not comfortable being in social situations where he's present, it is okay to excuse yourself and not go. 

[clh1920]

@JTSW @Alpacalia @Wiseman2 @stillafool @glows @Acacia98

So i went along to the drinks night after work....

he didnt turn up. The official reason one of his work friends said was he wasn't attending as started work early and will be working late. I overheard a conversation between a male & female colleague who work closely with him say he's not in a good place at the moment and they're worried about him.

Which made me want to reach out to him. But I didn't. I didn't engage in conversation about him and zoned out of the conversation where I could hear he isn't doing well & they're worried he'll leave.

I feel sad today. Sad its come to this and really wish I could reach out as I (used to) cheer him up when he was going through a rough patch. But I won't. He started the last conversation that he wanted us to stay friendly & see how we go as he had a lot going on. I asked him not to keep me hanging on then he got angry & his last text to me was I made him fed up. So I'm staying away. Just feel sad.

Edited May 26, 2023 by clh1920
Missed out wording

[basil67]

On 5/24/2023 at 4:14 AM, clh1920 said:

"wants us to be friendly with no pressure and see how we go"

I'm late to this thread - so please forgive me if I rehash some of what's already been written.

I think it's great that you asked what he meant by 'friendly and see how we go".  Yes, it might have annoyed him, but him not wanting to have the conversation doesn't meant that you shouldn't ask.  I really like that you were making sure you knew exactly where you stand rather than risk being strung along by him.

Given that his anger issues are being seen by everyone, I'm sure it's not about you.  And there's nothing in what you've written which should reasonable cause anger in another.  I mean, sure, he might be mad at not getting his way in wanting you to hang around in limbo, but it's a lesson to him that you can't mess other people's lives around like that.  

All in all though, after only three months, you've just seen a side of him which would make for a very poor life partner.  Even if he gets it together, I hope you wouldn't even consider going back to him unless he's done substantial counselling to manage his behaviour.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/23/2023 at 2:14 PM, clh1920 said:

 He sent text after text telling me how I push and push him and how he's had enough, how I have now caused us to fall out even though its not what he wanted.. He texted that I now made him unhappy and that's that.

It's good he didn't show up. Please stop worrying about him. He has friends, family, doctors, etc.

You're seeing a side of him that reflects his inability to handle stress and his willingness to displace hostility and blame on everyone else, especially people he views as easy targets and disposable.

These are huge red flags. Please don't try to fix or change someone like this, especially when he ghosts you then goes on a tirade about how it's your fault. This is an abusive bully you need to run from. 

Edited May 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

That is a big fat nope, my girl. Keep doing you and don’t coddle him. As others have mentioned he has support. You are no longer that support.

He is entitled to what he is feeling and he did avoid the outting which shows at least a sliver of prudent judgment. Let him be to deal with what he needs to. 

The person to take care of is yourself. Just focus on that moving forward.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, clh1920 said:

@JTSW @Alpacalia @Wiseman2 @stillafool @glows @Acacia98

(...)

So I'm staying away. Just feel sad.

I know it's not easy, but you did the right thing.

[Alpacalia]

You definitely did the right thing. He's acting like he's still in diapers! Even if he did storm off, he told someone else that he felt unwell, which could be true. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's really going through a hard time, and is taking it out on you. Dealing with someone like this can be difficult, and you handled it with grace and compassion.

[clh1920]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You definitely did the right thing. He's acting like he's still in diapers! Even if he did storm off, he told someone else that he felt unwell, which could be true. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's really going through a hard time, and is taking it out on you. Dealing with someone like this can be difficult, and you handled it with grace and compassion.

Thank you so much. His behaviour since we ended on Monday has caused me to blame and doubt myself (I'm ashamed to say). I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it has. I'm trying hard every day to not let him affect me. I still feel shocked and upset, but hopefully in time this will fade.

[stillafool]

On 5/24/2023 at 5:11 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Keep going down the path. You do not want to let other people's lashing out to demoralize you. I mean superficially sure. 

It's tricky. Many of us are self-interested so our interpretations aren't very fair to the other partner. But you can go too far to the other side. This guy is lashing out and you feel guilty. You want to get out of that. That's a red flag for you. Someone dates you and acts crazy and lashes out and distances and doesn't really explain and YOU feel guilty. You want to get to the point where you can reassure yourself. 

Right now, you're choosing his view over yours. Yes, I get it: you have reflexive guilt. Don't assume that reflex is smart or insightful or right. Allow the thinking brain to sort things out. The body will eventually come along. 

OP I think you should reread this post.  I agree with it.  I honestly think this guy is full of guilt and is lying about why he wanted to end it.  You did say his health condition is not life threatening and everyone endures work stress at some point or the other.  And so what that it's taking him longer than expected to sell his inherited home?  None of those are good reasons to end a relationship with someone you love.  If anything, you need their support during those times.  You did say he was dressed up - why? if he was only going to work late why would he need to dress up?  Doesn't make sense.  He may be seeing someone else and is only angry because he knows his break up excuse with you was and that is why he got upset when you questioned him.  Stop blaming yourself as there is more to this story than you're aware.

Edited May 27, 2023 by stillafool

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, clh1920 said:

Thank you so much. His behaviour since we ended on Monday has caused me to blame and doubt myself (I'm ashamed to say). I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it has. I'm trying hard every day to not let him affect me. I still feel shocked and upset, but hopefully in time this will fade.

It's OK to not be OK.

His comment "let's see where it goes" was the time for you to let him know that you dig him but that he's going to have to bring his A game to keep you because you won't settle for a dud.

He used a cheap line and counted on you not calling his bluff. You did. In response, he behaved like a baby. He expected you to accept what he had to offer without question, but you saw through it.

It was the right thing for you to stand up for yourself when you asked him not to keep you hanging on. He was not expecting you to be assertive and demand a better deal. But you did, so that is something to be proud of. Who knows what's really going on with this guy but you don't have to put up with it. Be confident in yourself and your choices. You have the power to walk away from situations that are not in your best interest.

[clh1920]

Looking back to previous conversations we had when together, when talking about ourselves & getting to know each other conversations, he did mention he doesn't handle things like pressure, stress etc very well (again, this was never mentioned in relation to us).

It turns out the reason he may have been dressed smartly as he had an important meeting with external clients, his boss & our new ceo. He was told at the last minute by his boss that he didn't need to attend anyway & it was cancelled.

I keep re reading his messages....and I know I shouldn't. The constant "its not a great time for me, i feel bogged down by everything" & "let's keep things friendly and see how we go"....then when i tried to discuss it, he got angry. Makes me think we may have had a chance, but as i felt completely shocked and blindsided, I'd ask him what he meant & why he couldn't of spoken to me about it beforehand. And then I ruined it by 1 text making sure he wasn't keeping me hanging on....and it went from "see how it goes" to me being the reason we had fallen out & making him completely fed up.

I know deepdown that last paragraph is probably my "hurt" talking. I switch from anger to hurt quite often. But as a lot of you have said, I need to concentrate on myself and I am trying. I just get waves of sadness when I think of him being out of my life completely.

Edited May 27, 2023 by clh1920
Spelling.

[glows]

“I feel bogged down by everything” is a major red flag. I realize different people have different thresholds for what bogged down means and an unavailable partner but please recognize that’s exactly what he is - unavailable. 

One of the best things I’ve ever done was gone over past dating patterns and seen the types of individuals that used to appeal to me. When a break up happens we tend to overanalyze everything about the other person. Do the opposite and take a good look at you for you so that you can change what you’re doing now with purpose and understand what you’ve been doing /types of people you may have felt affection for are completely unavailable and a waste of time. 

[Alpacalia]

Do you feel you were too pushy? You might think it’s “normal” for him to text you throughout the day. However, it might not be “normal” for him. Consider the possibility that he may not have been ready for a serious relationship. Don't blame yourself for pushing him away. Instead, take a step back and ask yourself if you were truly compatible with him.

[clh1920]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you feel you were too pushy? You might think it’s “normal” for him to text you throughout the day. However, it might not be “normal” for him. Consider the possibility that he may not have been ready for a serious relationship. Don't blame yourself for pushing him away. Instead, take a step back and ask yourself if you were truly compatible with him.

If I was too pushy I didn't realise it. We did message throughout the day that is true (& he messages friends throughout the day too). And he always replied straight away (unless in meetings etc). I tended to follow him in texting pattern in the beginning. If he did find I messaged him too much etc then I'd of happily changed that if he had told me. 

But yeah I do blame myself. I even blame myself for going NC on him without telling him thats what I'm doing & worried I've hurt him (and that's why he's angry).

I took myself off out for the afternoon today to try to take my mind off it. The only weekend I have no plans as was meant to spend it with him. 

Edited May 27, 2023 by clh1920
Spelling

[Alpacalia]

28 minutes ago, clh1920 said:

If I was too pushy I didn't realise it. We did message throughout the day that is true (& he messages friends throughout the day too). And he always replied straight away (unless in meetings etc). I tended to follow him in texting pattern in the beginning. If he did find I messaged him too much etc then I'd of happily changed that if he had told me. 

But yeah I do blame myself. I even blame myself for going NC on him without telling him thats what I'm doing & worried I've hurt him (and that's why he's angry).

I took myself off out for the afternoon today to try to take my mind off it. The only weekend I have no plans as was meant to spend it with him. 

Well maybe you can reframe this a bit.

What makes you feel so bad about someone who is clearly unavailable?

Remember that his ill-tempered reactions may say more about him than about you. Being able to take responsibility for his problem without defensively blaming you is an indication that he is emotionally mature. If he cannot do this, thank him for his honesty and then move on.

Despite your inadvertently "triggered" his frustration, it is highly unlikely that you represent its source.

I'm glad that you took some time for yourself. Keep it up.

Edited May 27, 2023 by Alpacalia