Does her excuses for multiple lies make sense to you ?

[Lvchyy]

TLDR : GF(24) hid from me(20) multiple things over a period of a month or two. The first situation was hiding the fact her ex was at a pub we went to weekly in our group until someone said. The second was hiding a guy friend on Snapchat she gets sexual memes sent to by and apparently flirted with before me.

So recently my girlfriend wanted to take me to a pub she apparently stopped going to because of drama with her ex we will call Joe which was pretty messed up but I won't explain out of respect. She said she was more confident to go again and see her friends since I've joined her life so I felt happy I made her able to rejoin into her social circle. As we went I heard somebody call someone Joe at the group we where sitting with. When going up to order food I calmly asked if that was her ex and she said no, also later stating it wasn't when going home. A month or two later I found it it was. She said she hit it from me so I could enjoy being at the pub without any drama. 

A month after this I was looking at her putting up a story we took together on her private snap and saw her best friends list which only had me first, her best friend second and some random guy I have never heard about at third who was even above her own sister. The thing that is troubling about this to me is that I know all of her friends whether it be guys, girls even the ones she has had fallouts with since we are very open about who we are in contact with. When I asked her why she hid him specifically it started out with her saying I just forgot to mention it. This then turned into I knew you wouldn't like him so I specifically didn't mention him. Which turned into seeing the tiktoks they send which many where sexual onlyfans girls related ones (mostly him sending). I also heard that apparently they both flirted over snap before I was involved so they at one point where interested in each other. 

The night I found out about this she said he left her on read but then later on slipped up and said she was ranting about me to him. The next day I was planning on breaking up with her but didn't Incase I was overthinking and she has unadded him but was she cheating or lying? Or just trying to keep a friend ? How should I handle this. Thanks to whoever reads this.

[basil67]

Tough situation you're in there.   These are two very different situations, so I'd consider them individually.  

With the situation of her ex at the pub, if they are part of the same social group he's going to be hard to avoid.  Neither of them should have to be excluded from group activities because the other was there.   She was foolish for not telling you about him.  It would have been better if she was upfront about the situation when she started seeing you.  Something like "My ex is in my friend group.  We've both moved on and we don't have 1:1 conversations, but he will be at events from time to time" and left you to make a decision about whether or not you'd be cool with this and not be weird if he's there.    Now that you know the truth, can you accept that he's part of the group?   

With the other guy on snapchat, I can't see any excuse for this.  Their behaviour is completely inappropriate.  If you want to work through it (and this is a big IF) I'd tell her that you're not OK with this and ask her if she feels their sharing of sex videos and secret contact is appropriate for someone who has a boyfriend.  

 

 

 

[glows]

How did you meet, OP? I’m curious as 4 years tends to be a larger gap in the early 20s. 

How long have you been dating? Is it exclusive? 

The most you can do is openly communicate about how you feel and ask her what these people mean to her. She’s hiding them so she is very aware she knows you’ll react negatively. My guess is she does it because that’s what she’s always done in relationships and sabotages them that way. No one is perfect but when dating you’re also figuring out compatibility. 

What struck me was her fearfulness and evasiveness in a relationship. If you can’t be yourself in an intimate partnership what’s the point of being in one? I tend to think one of the most important things about a person is choosing someone who is comfortable with themselves. 

. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Lvchyy said:

. The next day I was planning on breaking up with her but didn't Incase I was overthinking 

Trust your instincts. She seems to be playing games and everyone in her game is a pawn.  Basically creating drama for whatever reasons. Spare yourself the headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. 

[JTSW]

She's far too secretive and very dishonest.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

[Alpacalia]

Point 1 - She deliberately said that wasn't her ex when you asked her about it. Not good.

If I had to guess, she didn't want her ex to know that the two of you were dating. Hiding one's ex is a sign of distrust, and it could mean that she is still emotionally attached to her ex or is worried that her current partner is threatened by the presence of her ex. It's also possible that she's just trying to avoid any drama or tension that could arise. Your girlfriend had the choice to tell you the truth or to make a decision to leave out a potentially difficult or uncomfortable part of the story. It sounds like she chose to keep that information from you out of fear or worry that it might make you uncomfortable. Ultimately, your girlfriend should have been honest with you from the start.

Your girlfriend's relationship with this other person is concerning. If this is all true, it sounds like your girlfriend likes this other guy. While her decision to hide the fact that he was on her best friends list may have stemmed from her concern that you wouldn't like him, it's still troubling that she was actively trying to hide this information from you. Having a flirtatious conversation on Snapchat and exchanging provocative TikToks is alarming. She was willing to risk your trust by hiding the information and engaging in flirty conversations with him, suggesting that she may be more invested in this other relationship than she lets on.

Point 2 - Taking such risks seems to indicate that she doesn't take your relationship seriously or that she is more interested in others than you.

If you don't choose to end this, I would tell her that you need time to think and then use this time to really consider if this is the type of relationship that you want to be in. Are you ok with this behavior and is it something you are willing to accept? If not, then it may be time to end the relationship or at least talk to her about how her behavior makes you feel.

Edited May 24, 2023 by Alpacalia

[smackie9]

Well you can start with communication. Express to her that you have np having an ex in the room, at a party or pub whatever. You are not the type to cause drama wherever you go, so she can trust you to be on your best behavior. As for flirtations, tell her she needs to clean that crap out of her contacts, and move on if she wants to keep this relationship. You can give an example by saying how would she feel if you had women you flirted with still in contact with you. Hash it out and set boundaries/expectations with each other, be firm. 

If her ex was a total abusive jerk, then I can see how she would have the habit of lying. She needs to trust you, so she doesn't need to lie. I'm just giving her the benefit of a doubt. It's easy for us to point fingers BUT we don't know her, we only have your perspective, and you have circled back to her for some reason right? Going forward, keep an eye on things. If it comes out she's purposely being deceitful then kick her to the curb. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears she is very secretive and private as though a single pringle again.  It is disturbing how she keeps much from you and with That, Is hard to trust whatever comes out of her mouth or she keeps inside of her.   I don't blame you for contemplating leaving.  I don't think she will stop the bad habit she is in.  As far as the girls(I mainly speak of) she has had run ins With, One would need to wonder what kind of freind is she even as far as a Friend goes😐?  Lay the law down or leave.  I doubt she will change.

Edited May 24, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23