Wasting Money

[BettyDraper]

My fiance has a close knit family. He wants a wedding which includes all of them-including aunts, cousins, stepsiblings etc. My fiance also wants our wedding to be in a hotel ballroom. 

I don't want any of that. I would rather elope or have a tiny wedding with just our immediate family. The main reason I am opposed to a larger wedding is I feel it is a huge waste of money. We might as well take the cash and flush it down the toilet. 

Because my fiance has never been married before and it's important to him to have a larger wedding, I am acquiescing to his wishes even though having a larger wedding doesn't make any sense to me at all. He is worried that I will resent him for this. I assured my fiance that I'm not going to resent him but I will most certainly resent spending the money. 

I try to remember that many great things in life do not make any financial sense on paper. Weddings, having a baby, engagement rings, and vacations all look ridiculous when they are quantified in purely financial terms. Memories and experiences are priceless. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I would have to agree with You about a lavish extravagant wedding.  Especially Nowadays, When many can't even afford to pay their rent/mortgage or put food on the table.  However, I can see your fiance's point in wanting a wedding(First time marriage) with all of his relatives(Because Too, Close Knit) and it appears he has a big family as well.  Compromise and sit down and plan carefully in a budget you can both agree on.  There are many package plans I am sure you can agree on that will be special and just as beautiful.  Would not it be nice if ALL of that family would chip in and get the wedding of your(Or Rather His) dream on a silver plate?  Not seeing it so try and work through it.  Of Course, Many events and special occasions are Very Far Fetched Nowadays, But when the smoke settles, Those Too, Are precious memories to many who footed the bill or even someone else who did so Those Special People at Heart, Could enjoy it.  Congrats and Team Up as One.🥰

Edited May 24, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[basil67]

I understand.  When we talking about marriage, my partner wanted the whole shebang.  He wanted flowers, groomsman, bridesmaids, wedding dress, big cake, and loads of friends and family.  I wanted a small thing with immediate family and would rather have stuck pins in my eyes than have a big fancy wedding.  While it is true that I had been married before, even that wedding had been as small as I could get away with.

Anyway, after a weekend of not being able to agree on a wedding...and knowing that defacto has full marital rights where we live...we decided to skip the wedding and put the money into house renovations instead.  I later had my surname name legally changed to match his name and our kids.   I don't regret it.

Sorry I can't help with a solution.  I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  

[Weezy1973]

Can you afford it? That’s the main thing. If it’s going to put you in debt, for example, then don’t do it. Also, there’s a middle ground right? A medium sized wedding?

[glows]

9 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

Because my fiance has never been married before and it's important to him to have a larger wedding, I am acquiescing to his wishes even though having a larger wedding doesn't make any sense to me at all. He is worried that I will resent him for this. I assured my fiance that I'm not going to resent him but I will most certainly resent spending the money. 

Agreed on experiences but the resentment is also an experience.. sadly the upcoming wedding seems like it’s weighing on you negatively, affecting the whole experience. Budget for something realistic and within your means and celebrate your love. Ie does the ballroom have to be all out or the kind of venue that needs to be very expensive or can you find something you’re more comfortable with?

Who’s paying for the wedding?

[Alpacalia]

A modern wedding is the best: you don't have to do anything you don't want to. The end.

Attendees do not have to be the same number or gender. Unconventional elements, such as speeches, special dances, cakes, or even other desserts are not mandatory. There is no expectation to throw flowers or a garter. A big and expensive ballroom is not necessary.

It sounds like your future hubster is most concerned with his family being able to witness his marriage. I think that's really sweet.

How about discussing the potential budgets with him and identifying the three things that are most important to you each? This lays out the foundation so you can both start thinking about compromises.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

. He is worried that I will resent him for this. I assured my fiance that I'm not going to resent him but I will most certainly resent spending the money. 

Hopefully you're getting premarital counseling. You'll need to sort out your financial priorities before you tie the knot.

In this case rather than being resentful, tell him exactly what you are ready, willing and able to spend/contribute and tell him he and his family can come up with the rest.

If that means paring down the expenses in general or he and his people coming up with more if they want big and fancy. However don't go into this with resentment.

[BettyDraper]

On 5/24/2023 at 2:28 PM, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I would have to agree with You about a lavish extravagant wedding.  Especially Nowadays, When many can't even afford to pay their rent/mortgage or put food on the table.  However, I can see your fiance's point in wanting a wedding(First time marriage) with all of his relatives(Because Too, Close Knit) and it appears he has a big family as well.  Compromise and sit down and plan carefully in a budget you can both agree on.  There are many package plans I am sure you can agree on that will be special and just as beautiful.  Would not it be nice if ALL of that family would chip in and get the wedding of your(Or Rather His) dream on a silver plate?  Not seeing it so try and work through it.  Of Course, Many events and special occasions are Very Far Fetched Nowadays, But when the smoke settles, Those Too, Are precious memories to many who footed the bill or even someone else who did so Those Special People at Heart, Could enjoy it.  Congrats and Team Up as One.🥰

 

Thanks so much!

We agree on the budget. I just don't want to spend the money. I'm doing it for my fiance.

I can't be selfish because the way we start a marriage could set the tone for family relationships down the road. 

[BettyDraper]

On 5/24/2023 at 8:01 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Can you afford it? That’s the main thing. If it’s going to put you in debt, for example, then don’t do it. Also, there’s a middle ground right? A medium sized wedding?

We can afford it but the money would be much better spend on more important things. 

I would never go into huge debt for a wedding. I don't mind small debt like a few hundred on bridal shoes but not thousands and thousands. 

Edited May 26, 2023 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

On 5/24/2023 at 11:01 PM, glows said:

Agreed on experiences but the resentment is also an experience.. sadly the upcoming wedding seems like it’s weighing on you negatively, affecting the whole experience. Budget for something realistic and within your means and celebrate your love. Ie does the ballroom have to be all out or the kind of venue that needs to be very expensive or can you find something you’re more comfortable with?

Who’s paying for the wedding?

We're both paying for it. 

[BettyDraper]

On 5/25/2023 at 6:42 AM, Alpacalia said:

A modern wedding is the best: you don't have to do anything you don't want to. The end.

Attendees do not have to be the same number or gender. Unconventional elements, such as speeches, special dances, cakes, or even other desserts are not mandatory. There is no expectation to throw flowers or a garter. A big and expensive ballroom is not necessary.

It sounds like your future hubster is most concerned with his family being able to witness his marriage. I think that's really sweet.

How about discussing the potential budgets with him and identifying the three things that are most important to you each? This lays out the foundation so you can both start thinking about compromises.

He says that he wants to show me off. He also a very family oriented person. 

I have asked him if we could do a tiny wedding which would save 10K or more but of course he HAS TO have the whole world there. 

[BettyDraper]

On 5/25/2023 at 10:20 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you're getting premarital counseling. You'll need to sort out your financial priorities before you tie the knot.

In this case rather than being resentful, tell him exactly what you are ready, willing and able to spend/contribute and tell him he and his family can come up with the rest.

If that means paring down the expenses in general or he and his people coming up with more if they want big and fancy. However don't go into this with resentment.

I don't want his family contributing because they are very controlling and overbearing types.

If we take their money, they will surely try to control our wedding and I don't need the headache. 

I can work on the resentment if I change the way I look at this. We are in premarital counseling. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I can work on the resentment if I change the way I look at this. We are in premarital counseling. 

It is normal to see things differently, but the key is to respect each other’s perspective and be able to come up with a compromise - where neither person is getting exactly what they want - but there’s an acknowledgment that each is giving up something because they love the other person. If you just let him have the big wedding,  thinking you’re doing it because you love him and want him to be happy, but ignoring your needs, in the long run the resentment will build up and it will sabotage your marriage. Don’t be afraid of difficult conversations. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

He says that he wants to show me off. He also a very family oriented person. 

I have asked him if we could do a tiny wedding which would save 10K or more but of course he HAS TO have the whole world there. 

There’s a difference between introducing you into his life and “showing you off.” Introducing someone into his life means that he is comfortable having you around his family and friends, and is proud to have you as part of his life. Showing someone off, however, implies that the person is just a display piece, and not a genuine part of his life.

I'd personally want to explore that a bit more...

What do you think?

Be VERY CAREFUL here, because this will have a huge impact on the rest of your relationship. My guess is that everything will work out fine, but keep in mind that if you can't come to a good compromise on this, then how can you compromise on other things in your marriage? It's a money issue, a family issue, a are-you-paying-attention-to-my-needs issue... ugh, all top contenders for causing huge rifts between couples.

There has to be a compromise. You bend and he bends. He needs to understand how much time and effort goes into a big wedding. Does he intend to take on all the stress of planning and organizing the big wedding? It can’t all be on you.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I don't want his family contributing because they are very controlling and overbearing types. I can work on the resentment if I change the way I look at this. We are in premarital counseling. 

Great you're in premarital counseling. It seems like you two have a lot to unpack and sort out as far as financial styles and family involvement.  It seems ridiculous for you to pay half of a wedding you don't want or can't afford.

But. You have to speak up to your fiance about paring things down and reducing costs. Right now you're feeling overwhelmed and resentful that he and his family what to run the show, and use your funding to do so. 

Unfortunately you've seen some red flags already as far as family involvement and financial priorities. Keep in mind, they can't force you to spend money you don't have or can't afford.

Your bank account is your business, so it's unclear why they're planning this humongous expensive thing against your will but expect to use your funds to finance it.

[Els]

It really depends on how your finances are. If you're going to go into debt over it, or if there are upcoming large expenditures that you know you'll have to pay for (you mentioned having a baby, for instance, which is incredibly expensive - so if you're planning to have one soon after the wedding, then you'll need to budget for it), then it's really not prudent to spend the money on the wedding. On the other hand, if you've already gone through your finances and feel that you'll still be financially stable afterwards, then there's no harm in having a larger wedding if one of you feels strongly about it.

H and I had a wedding that would probably be considered "expensive" by Western standards and "tiny/cheap" by our culture's standards. It's been 5 years and I don't regret any of the money that we spent on it. Yes, we could have spent a month in Europe with that money, but we saved up after that and did eventually get our trip to Europe, too, just a bit later. I'm glad that we had the wedding that we both wanted, because unlike a trip to Europe, that wasn't something that could be re-done later (ideally, anyway 😂).

In your case it's a bit more complicated since one of you wants it and the other does not. Is it possible that you could arrive at a compromise - he chooses 2-3 things that are very important to him for this wedding, and you save money on the other things? For instance, if it's important that he have a lot of guests and a hotel ballroom, then that's fine, but you could have simple decor, no live music, etc.

[BettyDraper]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Great you're in premarital counseling. It seems like you two have a lot to unpack and sort out as far as financial styles and family involvement.  It seems ridiculous for you to pay half of a wedding you don't want or can't afford.

But. You have to speak up to your fiance about paring things down and reducing costs. Right now you're feeling overwhelmed and resentful that he and his family what to run the show, and use your funding to do so. 

Unfortunately you've seen some red flags already as far as family involvement and financial priorities. Keep in mind, they can't force you to spend money you don't have or can't afford.

Your bank account is your business, so it's unclear why they're planning this humongous expensive thing against your will but expect to use your funds to finance it.

Wait….I never said that his family was planning a wedding. It is my fiancé who wants a big wedding. His family isn’t involved in the planning at all. 

There is no “paying half” either. We share our money. It’s easier and we trust each other. It’s been working well. 

 

 

[BettyDraper]

12 hours ago, Els said:

It really depends on how your finances are. If you're going to go into debt over it, or if there are upcoming large expenditures that you know you'll have to pay for (you mentioned having a baby, for instance, which is incredibly expensive - so if you're planning to have one soon after the wedding, then you'll need to budget for it), then it's really not prudent to spend the money on the wedding. On the other hand, if you've already gone through your finances and feel that you'll still be financially stable afterwards, then there's no harm in having a larger wedding if one of you feels strongly about it.

H and I had a wedding that would probably be considered "expensive" by Western standards and "tiny/cheap" by our culture's standards. It's been 5 years and I don't regret any of the money that we spent on it. Yes, we could have spent a month in Europe with that money, but we saved up after that and did eventually get our trip to Europe, too, just a bit later. I'm glad that we had the wedding that we both wanted, because unlike a trip to Europe, that wasn't something that could be re-done later (ideally, anyway 😂).

In your case it's a bit more complicated since one of you wants it and the other does not. Is it possible that you could arrive at a compromise - he chooses 2-3 things that are very important to him for this wedding, and you save money on the other things? For instance, if it's important that he have a lot of guests and a hotel ballroom, then that's fine, but you could have simple decor, no live music, etc.

In the baby thread I mentioned deciding not to go that route after all. 

Neither of us believe in going into debt for a wedding. However, I think that there are far smarter uses for money than a damn party. 

[BettyDraper]

16 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

There’s a difference between introducing you into his life and “showing you off.” Introducing someone into his life means that he is comfortable having you around his family and friends, and is proud to have you as part of his life. Showing someone off, however, implies that the person is just a display piece, and not a genuine part of his life.

I'd personally want to explore that a bit more...

What do you think?

Be VERY CAREFUL here, because this will have a huge impact on the rest of your relationship. My guess is that everything will work out fine, but keep in mind that if you can't come to a good compromise on this, then how can you compromise on other things in your marriage? It's a money issue, a family issue, a are-you-paying-attention-to-my-needs issue... ugh, all top contenders for causing huge rifts between couples.

There has to be a compromise. You bend and he bends. He needs to understand how much time and effort goes into a big wedding. Does he intend to take on all the stress of planning and organizing the big wedding? It can’t all be on you.

I found the showing off comment to be flattering and an expression of pride as well as excitement. My fiancé has a speech impediment which led to being rejected and bullied his whole life. Nobody in his family believed that he would ever marry. 
His speech impediment doesn’t bother me and he lives a perfectly normal life. 

There will be no compromise on this issue because we have such vastly different ideas on a wedding. I’m doing this because my fiancé has never been married before. It’s an act of love. 

As for planning, he has chosen the season, the month, our colours, the venue type, and our first dance song. He also gave me style ideas for my bridal look. It’s great that I love his ideas. As a couple, we will look at venues, choose a photographer, a DJ, and a decorator, and a pastor. I will chose the ceremony playlist as well. 

It’s like he’s the bride! 🤣

[Els]

13 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

However, I think that there are far smarter uses for money than a damn party. 

---

There will be no compromise on this issue because we have such vastly different ideas on a wedding.

As for planning, he has chosen the season, the month, our colours, the venue type, and our first dance song. He also gave me style ideas for my bridal look. It’s great that I love his ideas. As a couple, we will look at venues, choose a photographer, a DJ, and a decorator, and a pastor.

Surely there can be a middle ground, though? Like, if he has the big wedding in the hotel with all his friends and family there to see the two of you get wed, then does he ALSO really need a DJ and a decorator? Obviously you need the pastor/officiant, but everything else is optional (although I would definitely recommend having the photographer, since in several years' time everything will fade except for the photos and, of course, the marriage ).

 

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

It’s an act of love. 

Acts of love don’t bring resentment. If you’re going along with a big wedding because you love him and genuinely want him to be happy, you shouldn’t be feeling any resentment or that there are better places to spend the money. But you are - therefore it’s not out of love.

[BettyDraper]

49 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Acts of love don’t bring resentment. If you’re going along with a big wedding because you love him and genuinely want him to be happy, you shouldn’t be feeling any resentment or that there are better places to spend the money. But you are - therefore it’s not out of love.

Acts of love can still bring resentment because emotions are not black and white. I can still do this to make my fiancé happy while acknowledging the stupidity of spending money on one day.

Feelings are not facts. It is a fact that there are always better ways to spend money than a big wedding. 

Edited May 28, 2023 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Surely there can be a middle ground, though? Like, if he has the big wedding in the hotel with all his friends and family there to see the two of you get wed, then does he ALSO really need a DJ and a decorator? Obviously you need the pastor/officiant, but everything else is optional (although I would definitely recommend having the photographer, since in several years' time everything will fade except for the photos and, of course, the marriage ).

 

Who will play our music if we have no DJ? 
I don’t know anyone who can manage that for us. 

I’ve never been to a wedding with no decor. I imagine such a wedding would look blah.

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

acknowledging the stupidity of spending money on one day.. 

This is a thought, not a feeling. And this thought wouldn’t exist if it was an act of love. You would think there’s not better place to spend that money because you know it makes your husband happy. 
 

It’s perfectly fine that you have that thought though. You’re just confused about acts of love. But because the two of you are so divided on this the key would be, as many people have suggested, compromise. Assert your needs to spend less money. A compromise for example my wife and I made was that we would have a very small wedding, but throw a party for family and friends on our 10 year anniversary. Another compromise would to come up with an amount of money where you wouldn’t feel resentful, and then allow him to plan with that budget. 

[Els]

1 hour ago, BettyDraper said:

Who will play our music if we have no DJ? 
I don’t know anyone who can manage that for us. 

I’ve never been to a wedding with no decor. I imagine such a wedding would look blah.

We didn't have a DJ for ours. We just made a mp3 playlist and the venue manager (whose pay is included in the venue hire) ran the soundtrack for us! 😄 While we did ours in a winery restaurant, if you are doing yours in a hotel ballroom, there will also be staff on hand and I would be surprised if they didn't already have arrangements for such things. We did get professional decor, but I have some friends who DIYed theirs for their wedding and it looked fine.

Of course, it's up to you - as I said, there's nothing wrong with splurging on a wedding if that's what both of you want (and can afford). I'm just saying that even with a "big" wedding, there are ways to save costs if you want to.

Btw... exactly how "big" are we talking, in terms of guest numbers?

 

Edited May 28, 2023 by Els