Wasting Money

[BettyDraper]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is a thought, not a feeling. And this thought wouldn’t exist if it was an act of love. You would think there’s not better place to spend that money because you know it makes your husband happy. 
 

It’s perfectly fine that you have that thought though. You’re just confused about acts of love. But because the two of you are so divided on this the key would be, as many people have suggested, compromise. Assert your needs to spend less money. A compromise for example my wife and I made was that we would have a very small wedding, but throw a party for family and friends on our 10 year anniversary. Another compromise would to come up with an amount of money where you wouldn’t feel resentful, and then allow him to plan with that budget. 

It’s completely possible to make choices in order to make a spouse happy while knowing that their desires don’t make financial sense. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

[BettyDraper]

2 hours ago, Els said:

We didn't have a DJ for ours. We just made a mp3 playlist and the venue manager (whose pay is included in the venue hire) ran the soundtrack for us! 😄 While we did ours in a winery restaurant, if you are doing yours in a hotel ballroom, there will also be staff on hand and I would be surprised if they didn't already have arrangements for such things. We did get professional decor, but I have some friends who DIYed theirs for their wedding and it looked fine.

Of course, it's up to you - as I said, there's nothing wrong with splurging on a wedding if that's what both of you want (and can afford). I'm just saying that even with a "big" wedding, there are ways to save costs if you want to.

Btw... exactly how "big" are we talking, in terms of guest numbers?

 

We want a DJ to provide special lighting and announcements as well. None of the venues we’ve seen provide that service. 

I asked my fiancé what he thinks about artificial flowers and he hates that idea. It’s a shame because that’s a good way to save. I asked him how he feels about an off season wedding and he also nixed that idea.

Our guest count is low for most standards of what a big wedding is. However, providing the best food and drink is expensive. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

, he has chosen the season, the month, our colours, the venue type, and our first dance song. He also gave me style ideas for my bridal look. It’s great that I love his ideas. 

🤣

It seems like you two have it figured out and agree on most things. Since nothing is completely decided on yet, you two can decide together what's in your budget. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, BettyDraper said:

It’s completely possible to make choices in order to make a spouse happy while knowing that their desires don’t make financial sense.

To you. This financial decision apparently makes perfect sense to him. It’s one of the hardest things about marriage is accepting that your partner’s view is equally valid, even if you think they’re wrong. That’s why compromise is so important. He needs to also realize your position is just as valid. And it sounds to me that you haven’t really asserted it in a way he understands. Instead you’re going along with what he want in a “people pleasing” kind of way and that will lead eventually to resentment, anger and an unraveling of the relationship. It already has led to resentment or this thread wouldn’t exist. 

[BettyDraper]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

To you. This financial decision apparently makes perfect sense to him. It’s one of the hardest things about marriage is accepting that your partner’s view is equally valid, even if you think they’re wrong. That’s why compromise is so important. He needs to also realize your position is just as valid. And it sounds to me that you haven’t really asserted it in a way he understands. Instead you’re going along with what he want in a “people pleasing” kind of way and that will lead eventually to resentment, anger and an unraveling of the relationship. It already has led to resentment or this thread wouldn’t exist. 

I openly admitted to resentment and it’s fine if others judge me for that feeling. I’ll get over it. A wedding just isn’t worth being bitter about forever. There are far worse issues in a relationship. 

I’ve been married before so I know that sometimes it’s better to make sacrifices for a spouse. He has made sacrifices for me as well. My fiancé’s viewpoint is valid in the sense of keeping familial bonds strong. That doesn’t mean that his desires are financially sensible.

What I’m realizing is that some things can’t be quantified only in financial terms. If everyone looked at engagement rings, weddings, marriage, and having kids purely from a financial standpoint then nobody would ever participate in such traditions. All of those traditions and choices look like  horrible financial decisions. What is the price of memories, joy, and fulfillment? It’s impossible to put a price on intangible benefits. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

On 5/27/2023 at 2:33 PM, BettyDraper said:

I found the showing off comment to be flattering and an expression of pride as well as excitement. My fiancé has a speech impediment which led to being rejected and bullied his whole life. Nobody in his family believed that he would ever marry. 
His speech impediment doesn’t bother me and he lives a perfectly normal life. 

There will be no compromise on this issue because we have such vastly different ideas on a wedding. I’m doing this because my fiancé has never been married before. It’s an act of love. 

As for planning, he has chosen the season, the month, our colours, the venue type, and our first dance song. He also gave me style ideas for my bridal look. It’s great that I love his ideas. As a couple, we will look at venues, choose a photographer, a DJ, and a decorator, and a pastor. I will chose the ceremony playlist as well. 

It’s like he’s the bride! 🤣

Haha...What the? That's really cute though. I'm sure you two will work it out.

[MsJayne]

You can have the whole family but still keep it within a reasonable budget. Best wedding I ever went to was in a backyard under a marquee, bride's  mother made her dress, (it was beautiful), aunts and cousins whipped up finger food and a spit roast and the cake, friends did the DJ'ing and the bar. A good time was had by all and the marriage is still very happy and going strong 35 years and six kids later. Worst wedding I ever went to was a very grand affair in one of Melbourne's historic, (and expensive to hire), churches, with a reception on the eye-wateringly priced penthouse floor of an iconic building. The bride wore a hideously expensive, (and, frankly, hideous), dress, and the wedding party arrived in Ferraris. That marriage ended when the husband, (who is actually someone quite famous - celebrity gossip alert 😂), impregnated an Asian lady for whose company he had been paying an hourly rate. My point is, it's nice to want a big wedding with everyone there, but spending thousands is completely unnecessary. 

[BettyDraper]

On 5/29/2023 at 2:53 PM, MsJayne said:

You can have the whole family but still keep it within a reasonable budget. Best wedding I ever went to was in a backyard under a marquee, bride's  mother made her dress, (it was beautiful), aunts and cousins whipped up finger food and a spit roast and the cake, friends did the DJ'ing and the bar. A good time was had by all and the marriage is still very happy and going strong 35 years and six kids later. Worst wedding I ever went to was a very grand affair in one of Melbourne's historic, (and expensive to hire), churches, with a reception on the eye-wateringly priced penthouse floor of an iconic building. The bride wore a hideously expensive, (and, frankly, hideous), dress, and the wedding party arrived in Ferraris. That marriage ended when the husband, (who is actually someone quite famous - celebrity gossip alert 😂), impregnated an Asian lady for whose company he had been paying an hourly rate. My point is, it's nice to want a big wedding with everyone there, but spending thousands is completely unnecessary. 

I think “reasonable budget” is subjective. 
In some cultures, weddings routinely cost 50K or more. It also depends on the vibe that the couple wants. A more elegant aesthetic will cost more. I’m seeing that you get what you pay for with vendors. For example, the cheaper photographers are far less skilled and it shows in their work. 

I don’t have any family members who can make a wedding dress or DJ. I certainly wouldn’t expect any of the guests to cook for my wedding. I think that’s rather inappropriate. Of course, this depends on the expectations in respective cultures and social circles. 

Weddings are also less expensive in the U.S and other parts of the world than they are in Canada. 

At the end of the day, it’s about the marriage and not the wedding. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I think “reasonable budget” is subjective. 

What’s a reasonable amount to spend in your mind? One where you won’t feel resentful and feel it’s a fair compromise?

 

Did you agree to the wedding at first and then get “sticker shock” when you saw the prices? That can happen and it’s still reasonable to voice your concerns even if you changed your mind. Just communicating honestly and openly is important. Biting your tongue and “taking one for the team” will ultimately backfire.

Edited May 31, 2023 by Weezy1973

[BettyDraper]

On 5/31/2023 at 4:24 PM, Weezy1973 said:

What’s a reasonable amount to spend in your mind? One where you won’t feel resentful and feel it’s a fair compromise?

 

Did you agree to the wedding at first and then get “sticker shock” when you saw the prices? That can happen and it’s still reasonable to voice your concerns even if you changed your mind. Just communicating honestly and openly is important. Biting your tongue and “taking one for the team” will ultimately backfire.

I'm so sorry. I forgot about this thread. 

I always knew how expensive weddings are and that is one reason I don't want one. We found a wedding planner who is saving us a lot of money. 

The other reason is that I have crippling social anxiety. The idea of being the centre of attention for hours makes me sick. 

I'm not a normal person. I don't like to dance-especially in front of others. I don't like loud environments. I don't like big parties. My idea of a party is an intimate dinner with just a few guests. I'm not a normal woman either because most women live for the day they can be the star of the show as brides. I just want to elope and go on a lovely honeymoon. It's too bad that my first wedding, an elopement, was so hurtful to my family. Some members of my family are pushing for a wedding this time around-even a small one. 

Maybe I can get some antianxiety drugs to take a few hours before this ridiculous and expensive waste of time. 

Now my fiance is sad that he didn't listen to me when I tried to get him to elope. He told me that he is scared that I won't show up on our wedding day or I'll be too afraid to come down the aisle. I would never do either one of those things; of course I'm going to show up. I did tell my fiance that this is his wedding and not mine. I would never host an event like this. 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry it's worked out like this.  Sending big (((hugs))) to you

[BettyDraper]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry it's worked out like this.  Sending big (((hugs))) to you

Worked out like what?  We’re still together. 
We’re going to have the wedding. I just truly do not want it. 

[basil67]

Ah, I wasn't clear.  I'm sorry that your concerns weren't heard and understood and that you now feel so crap about the wedding plans. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by basil67

[Acacia98]

On 5/28/2023 at 5:35 PM, BettyDraper said:

Acts of love can still bring resentment because emotions are not black and white. I can still do this to make my fiancé happy while acknowledging the stupidity of spending money on one day.

Feelings are not facts. It is a fact that there are always better ways to spend money than a big wedding. 

If you feel it is worth it to have a huge wedding to make your fiance happy and you can afford it, then spending money on your big day is neither stupid nor wasteful. There are different forms of value, and one of them, certainly in this case, is the fact that engaging in an action will bring great joy to someone you love.

Surely, having a big wedding is not quite the same as taking the cash and flushing it down the toilet. Flushing a toilet does not bring family together. It's not a joyous occasion that we subsequently celebrate with anniversaries. I know... It's just an expression. But the expression is not a suitable one for the situation unless you think you're going to regret marrying this guy.

By the way, were you just ranting or did you want folks to help you deal with your feelings? It's not very clear to me because your original post does not explicitly ask for help, and in your responses to comments, you seem to reject the suggestions from folks who are trying to help you overcome your resentment.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

The other reason is that I have crippling social anxiety. The idea of being the centre of attention for hours makes me sick. 

I'm not a normal person. I don't like to dance-especially in front of others. I don't like loud environments. I don't like big parties. My idea of a party is an intimate dinner with just a few guests. I'm not a normal woman either because most women live for the day they can be the star of the show as brides. I just want to elope and go on a lovely honeymoon. It's too bad that my first wedding, an elopement, was so hurtful to my family. Some members of my family are pushing for a wedding this time around-even a small one. 

Maybe I can get some antianxiety drugs to take a few hours before this ridiculous and expensive waste of time. 

Now my fiance is sad that he didn't listen to me when I tried to get him to elope. He told me that he is scared that I won't show up on our wedding day or I'll be too afraid to come down the aisle. I would never do either one of those things; of course I'm going to show up. I did tell my fiance that this is his wedding and not mine. I would never host an event like this. 

You should have led with this in your original post. It explains your feelings more than anything else you've mentioned thus far. It also makes me think you compromised too much by agreeing to the big wedding. It's great to want to make your significant other happy, but not if it causes you this level of emotional pain. 

In future, please highlight your social anxiety whenever it is relevant. Your feelings do matter regardless of what others may have made you feel in the past.

Edited July 19, 2023 by Acacia98

[basil67]

@BettyDraper I just wanted you to know that my partner and I couldn't agree on a wedding and this is the reason we didn't marry.  I wanted a small thing with just immediate family.  But his guest list was large and he also wanted attendants, the dress and suits, cake, flowers....the whole shebang.  And I would have preferred to stick pins in my eyes.  So we forgot about the whole thing and spent the money on a new bathroom.

You're not weird or strange.  Or perhaps we are both weird and strange.  At any rate, the reason I wrote to you earlier is because I didn't want you to feel alone

Edited July 19, 2023 by basil67

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I did tell my fiance that this is his wedding and not mine.

I’m planning a wedding right now too. Second marriage for my partner, first for me. He proposed - I didn’t think he would ever propose and I had long ago given up the idea of a wedding. He has said time and time again, he wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want to get married…

We are planning a small wedding at a beautiful, intimate venue. There has been a lot of compromise on both of our parts, because this is OUR day. We are not spending a lot of money because we are both very practical too… I could pack the venue with family and friends but I’m not doing that, out of respect for my partner’s wishes. In return, he has agreed to dance with me outside under the stars…  

A few weeks ago, my partner said the above statement to me just as we were about to book the venue. It hurt me. I told him that I wanted to cancel the wedding. I was dead serious, I think that surprised him. I told him that we could get married - or not. I offered to elope and get married on a beach somewhere… I didn’t care, but I told him that one thing was absolutely NOT going to happen - I was absolutely NOT going to live the next year of my life listening to him tell me that this was my wedding, not his. He asked me to marry him - I did not want to feel like I was pushing him down the aisle. 

We had an honest discussion, and HE decided to proceed with the wedding because what we had chosen was truly what he wanted. 

I hear you when you say that you do not want to be the centre of attention at a big hotel wedding. It’s not what I would chose either. We also delayed our wedding because there were much more practical things on which we could spend our money - like building our dream home. It is unfortunate that he hasn’t really heard you because there is a lot of room between eloping and big ballroom wedding. And, it’s a real shame that you have decided to sacrifice your own wishes for your partner and then guilt him for that decision. I can imagine no worse way to get married and begin your married life together…

Edited July 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

It is not my day if I have made it very clear that I don’t want it. 

A wedding isn’t a marriage. Too many people get confused about that. They place too much importance on one day and get offended just because their partner doesn’t prioritize weddings. 

Over and over again, I tried to tell my fiancé how I felt. I told him that a big wedding scared me and I didn’t want to waste money. He kept saying “Yeah but I need this. I always wanted a big wedding.” He also gave other reasons like being family oriented and a wedding being a rite of passage and weddings are so nice and blah blah blah. I have never seen a man who wants to be some friggin Disney prince on his wedding day or whatever fantasy he has in his head. 

I just don’t have the bride gene. I see women excitedly talking about their gowns, bridesmaids’ dresses, bachelorette parties, and decor. None of that stuff interests me except maybe the gown. I just want to get married. I don’t need all the other stuff. 

My first wedding….my mother tried to force me to have a big wedding. She wanted hundreds of guests, a big bridal party, a damn horsedrawn carriage and a big church ceremony. I told her I only wanted 20 people and a small dinner. She did not respect my decision and kept screaming at me about it. I eloped. I don’t need that nonsense. My mom learned her lesson. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, BettyDraper said:

She did not respect my decision and kept screaming at me about it. I eloped. . My mom learned her lesson. 

Are you considering cancelling or elopement? You seem quite hurt and angry. 

[BaileyB]

You do appear to be at quite an impasse - how are you going to resolve this? 

[BettyDraper]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you considering cancelling or elopement? You seem quite hurt and angry. 

He won’t elope. He won’t have a tiny wedding. I have to grin and bear this if I want to marry my fiancé. 
 

[BettyDraper]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You do appear to be at quite an impasse - how are you going to resolve this? 

I don’t think there is a resolution because of my fiancé’s insistence on a wedding. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, BettyDraper said:

I don’t think there is a resolution because of my fiancé’s insistence on a wedding. 

Is he willing to compromise in any way? There are many ways to have a wedding…

As I said in my first post, we have chosen a smaller venue that is very intimate, has a lot of meaning for both of us, and did not break the bank. I’m not having a shower or a bachelorette party. The wedding will be elegant but fairly informal - we are just going to have one person stand up with us, and my friend can wear whatever she chooses. He doesn’t want to have speeches but we have agreed to ask a few people to make a nice toast. He doesn’t want to party until the wee hours but he has agreed to a first dance and an hour or so of dancing/visiting with our family/friends… 

If I was you Betty, I would be trying to negotiate a compromise…

Is this lack of consideration for your feelings typical of your relationship? Or, is this only about the wedding? 

Would he agree to attend pre-martial counselling? Lots of couples have some kind of counselling or preparation prior to marriage…

 

Edited July 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Is he willing to compromise in any way? There are many ways to have a wedding…

As I said in my first post, we have chosen a smaller venue that is very intimate, has a lot of meaning for both of us, and did not break the bank. I’m not having a shower or a bachelorette party. The wedding will be elegant but fairly informal - we are just going to have one person stand up with us, and my friend can wear whatever she chooses. He doesn’t want to have speeches but we have agreed to ask a few people to make a nice toast. He doesn’t want to party until the wee hours but he has agreed to a first dance and an hour or so of dancing/visiting with our family/friends… 

If I was you Betty, I would be trying to negotiate a compromise…

Is this lack of consideration for your feelings typical of your relationship? Or, is this only about the wedding? 

Would he agree to attend pre-martial counselling? Lots of couples have some kind of counselling or preparation prior to marriage…

 

I have tried to negotiate a compromise but he won't hear of it. He has very specific ideas of what he wants our wedding to look like. 

My fiance is typically very considerate of my feelings. He is being obstinate about the wedding though. 

We are in premarital counseling. Apparently, we are on the same page about important issues. It's the wedding which causes all of the discord. 

[BaileyB]

You know, there are probably many men who would say that they just showed up for the wedding… Their future wife and their parents planned the whole event. 

I’m sorry, I don’t have any other advice for you - you will apparently have to decide to cancel the wedding or go along… Its not something I would ask of my partner, and it’s not something I would be happy about either.