Should I call the other guys wife

[Ages]

So in the process of divorce and possible consoling. Im still angry, im on the ropes about calling the wife of the guy my wife is cheating on me with. My wife keeps telling me they are also going through with a divorce and if I called I would be ruining their lives. Which dosent make sense if what my wife said was true they are already in the process of divorce. I keep rationalizing maybe i shouldnt call, there might be chance they dont get divorce and the guy has been lying to my wife and my wife comes back to me.

[mark clemson]

Some people have a moral view one way or the other - "let them know, I would want to know" vs "don't interfere with other people's lives". That tend to make a decision easy (for them).

It does sound like maybe your wife is lying and just protecting him. However, IF the intent is to get your wife to "choose you" - there's really no way to predict what would happen, either way.

If they're actually not divorcing, telling might result in them splitting up and your wife "getting him". Might not, but could.

The psychology of breakups is complicated, and there is a tendency for the wayward spouse to try to win back their betrayed partner. So he might drop your wife and try to "win his wife back" if they're not actually divorcing and you tell. However, that's by no means guaranteed - it depends on how unhappy the WS really was and how the BS reacts to the news. Sometimes the BS makes an instant decision to divorce.

If they're actually divorcing, telling would presumably make it more "acrimonious" and more certain that they divorce.

It's also true that the odds of your wife "winning him" are not good (whatever happens with the above information). The prevailing wisdom is that affair partners have a low probability of ending up together long term. She certainly might, however, end up leaving you to "try things out" with him if he becomes available (since that appears to be her plan anyhow).

An elephant in the room is the question of why you would accept your wife back if you were to be her "2nd choice". Many folks would not accept that, although some would. I guess you are you.

[Bryanp]

If you didn't know, wouldn't you wish to be informed by the other betrayed spouse?

[Starswillshine]

I would never want to continue my life living in the dark. Even if they are getting a divorce, just maybe the knowledge will help her cope.

 

What would be awful if the husband is putting all the blame on his while he has been shagging someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ages said:

 the guy has been lying to my wife and my wife comes back to me.

You already threatened your wife with this?  Did your wife leave you? Frankly your wife is the problem, not this man or his marital problems. Contact your attorney about the wisdom of this.  

[basil67]

You wrote in another thread that you are wanting a simple divorce and seek to make it easy.   Thing is, if you start throwing around bombs, your wife could stop being civil with you and lawyer up.   

I strongly suggest that you focus on keeping your head down, not making waves and just get on with what has to be done in the most civil way possible. 

And yes, getting involved in the other marriage/divorce could have bad repercussions for them especially if they have children and it starts getting vindictive.   

Edited May 26, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

Not worth it. It is layering bad over sad. I’m referring to getting involved with someone else’s marriage breakdown in response to your own.

I’m in agreement with the others. It may seem tempting to sabotage someone else especially individuals who have hurt you but in the long term you’re hurting yourself more. Walk away. Heal. Rebuild your life.

[BaileyB]

I read in another post that you share two children with this woman. Remember, you will have to coparent with her for the rest of your life. How is telling her affair partner’s wife that they have been cheating going to affect your ability to settle your own divorce and coparent your children together? Maintaining a decent relationship with your children’s mother for the sake of the children would be my priority - more so than seeking justice in another marriage. 

Edited May 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[semble]

It's odd that you'd post about what your wife said as if anything she says can be taken seriously.

The woman CHEATED on you, she has every reason to lie to you to protect her affair partner.

It's rather concerning that you're naive enough to even consider her words for a moment let alone act accordingly.

In other words, if you're inclined to tell the other guy's wife because it's the "right thing" to do from a moral point of view, or you want to enanct revenge on him and your wife, then go do it, understanding it may increase and prolong the conflict between you and your children's other primary caregiver. But whatever you do or don't do, act without any consideration for what she says. Because to do so would be completely irrational.

[JTSW]

I can understand WHY you want to tell his wife.

You want him to receive some sort of punishment too.

But this could just inevitably makes things worse.

@basil67 said it perfectly. It would be wise to keep things civil and not cause waves.

[Portuguese man]

If you don't tell...

 

You are the Ally of that affair...you are helping them in their secret..

 

And it's just not fair you know they both are intentionally lie to other companion and just look to the other side

[Wiseman2]

On 5/15/2023 at 6:18 PM, Ages said:

 . Anyone have experience with one party buying out the other on their home? Or even co-dwelling? 

Her parents are living in the house? If you want an inexpensive divorce and you can't afford to move out, getting involved with her lover's family won't help you out. 

Understandably you're hurt and angry. However keep your cool and don't act emotionally or vindictively. 

Focus on appropriate legal advice especially with the complications of the children and her parents in the house. 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Please, stay out of it.  I realize you are this bitter pill.  However, If you end up interfering, The chancres of any reconciliation would be gone for you and her.  Sit back and watch how it unfolds.😦

[NewHurtOne]

Burn it down man tell her and kick her to the curb too

[Will am I]

Affairs cross boundaries. The response should not be more boundary crossing.

Your business is with your wife. She broke the exclusivity in your relationship without your permission. 

The other man, let alone his wife, are none of your business.

[Tempocontour]

How would you know if your ww is telling the truth about AP is going thru a divorce. Maybe your ww is just protecting him.Since you're going thru the divorce. Hold off on telling AP's wife until your divorce is final. If saying something now, this could make your ww make things harder on you during divorce. AP's wife has the right to know, just like you. Don't let AP get away with it.

Edited June 2, 2023 by Tempocontour

[pepperbird2]

On 5/31/2023 at 4:24 AM, Will am I said:

Affairs cross boundaries. The response should not be more boundary crossing.

Your business is with your wife. She broke the exclusivity in your relationship without your permission. 

The other man, let alone his wife, are none of your 

The minute the OP’s wife and her AP first stared seeing each other, he became his business. If he can’t handle that, then he should have kept his zipper firmly in the upright position

 

with all due respect ( I promise I am not trying to be rude) , unless you have walked a mile in a bs’s shoes, you have no idea what he’s going through, and the same is true with  this other guy’s wife. 

[pepperbird2]

On 6/1/2023 at 9:03 PM, Tempocontour said:

How would you know if your ww is telling the truth about AP is going thru a divorce. Maybe your ww is just protecting him.Since you're going thru the divorce. Hold off on telling AP's wife until your divorce is final. If saying something now, this could make your ww make things harder on you during divorce. AP's wife has the right to know, just like you. Don't let AP get away with it.

If it wre just a matter of letting him get away with it, it’s one thing. It’s another to allow  her to continue to put her mental and physical health at risk. 
 

 

 

[Guitarjeff]

Absolutely tell her.  Another human being living a lie IS YOUR BUSINESS, especially when your wife is part of the cause of that human being living in a lie.

Leaving someone else to wallow in ignorance if she doesn't know is cruel. 

Her husband did this with your wife, your wife's husband knows, she deserves the truth just as you did.

Simply call and be nice and say your name and ask if she knows your wife?  You say you were hoping she already knew this but that you could not stand the thought of helping them keep their cheating secret from someone who deserves the truth the same as you have.

It's the right thing to do.  As someone above said, you would be an ally of the affair if you hide it by omission from someone who deserves to know the same as you do.

You explain it that way.  You aren't doing this to get back at him, you are doing it because YOU ARE A DECENT HUMAN BEING WHO THINKS THIS WOMAN DESERVES THE TRUTH.

[S2B]

I’d want to know - and you should tell her - just in case she doesn’t know yet.

but keep it simple and concise - facts only. 

[Starswillshine]

As someone who was married for 20 years and found out that my xWH was cheating nearly all of those years, I wished I could have found out much earlier. I spent all those years giving to that man and devoting my life to him and our family. I spent so much energy of making sure our marriage was fresh and exciting. When things felt "off" or he felt distant, I doubled down. I made a vow, and I was going to do all I could to make sure my marriage was my priority.

If someone could have just told me.... the years I could have gotten back. The life I am living now, I could have known so much earlier. True happiness, true love, I could experienced earlier in life. 

I understand why people try to stay away from drama, BUT I think it is only the humane thing to do is to let someone know. I would guess a large majority would rather never live a life as a fool. Nor would many people  rather be ignorantly blissful. 

[Oak]

On 5/26/2023 at 2:02 PM, Ages said:

So in the process of divorce and possible consoling. Im still angry, im on the ropes about calling the wife of the guy my wife is cheating on me with. My wife keeps telling me they are also going through with a divorce and if I called I would be ruining their lives. Which dosent make sense if what my wife said was true they are already in the process of divorce. I keep rationalizing maybe i shouldnt call, there might be chance they dont get divorce and the guy has been lying to my wife and my wife comes back to me.

I was married for 17 years when I found out about my (now ex)wife’s 4-year affair.  She did not want me to notify her AP’s wife (imagine that).  I didn’t want to be too reactionary, so I waited 3 days.  Then looked her up on Facebook Messenger and notified her.  I didn’t care what she did with the info.  I did it because it was the right thing to do and I wish someone had reached out to me.   Now, 5 years later, I’m still glad I notified her.

[NotCamelot]

The moment the OM intruded your life, his life became your business.

Call his wife and tell everything.  If she is in the dark, she may not believe you, maybe even defend him and become angry with you.  But, if you can give some verifiable points, the OM's world may explode.....as it should.

When this happened to me, I called the OM and then got busy finding his wife.  When I found her, she was disbelieving.  She called me back later in the day with a lot of info.   My W was mad at me at first......until the OM caved due to pressure from his W (who WAS in the dark.).

I admit, I felt some vindication, even joy, knowing that I had made him hurt.  The story for me did not end there with the things I did to him.  But in the end I felt totally justified in destroying the life and image of the person who had no care at all how I was hurting due, in half, to his actions.  In fact, his smugness when I called him drove me into a quest of fury against him.  When he said to me "I don't give  a s**t what you do , buddy.", as if he could take my W and I was defenseless.   I am sure he still regrets everything - it cost him dearly.

That was 11 years ago.  My W and I are very good now.

So, for some giving advice, I say that I can put myself into the OP's situation.  I would tell the OMs W everything.  And my main vision would be to destroy the person who help to destroy me.   Some may not agree with that.  That is fine - what ever works for you.

And, beyond my revenge, the OMs W deserved to know what was going on.  I would have had a hard time living with it had I not told her.  She was no enemy to me.   

[MsJayne]

I wouldn't believe a word your wife says, sounds like she's trying to protect herself from his wife.  I also wouldn't contact his wife, she's being punished enough by being married to a sleaze. I'd just get on with the divorce and focus on making sure I got my share of assets. 

[S2B]

You wouldn’t be the one ruining their lives. Your wife and her OM’s actions already did that.

you are just telling what’s true (assuming you have evidence).

Yes, let his wife know what’s real.