Brother-in-laws wedding

[Peach91]

I’ve been with my partner for just over two years now… 

his brother is getting married in august and a few weeks ago, we all had a drink - I don’t drink - and I got very drunk very quick and acted myself a bit - said a few things I shouldn’t but actually things that weren’t particularly offensive - or that made any sense - like I say - 3 vodkas and I was oblivious - HOWEVER.. I’m now not allowed to the wedding because of my drunken behaviour. Despite me apologising and giving my word I wouldn’t drink - certainly not spirits as I know I can’t handle it, however, I’ve now found out we are expecting a child together. I wouldn’t ever ask him not to go to his brothers wedding - I’d never put him in that position, but at what point do I remind him by not making a choice he is choosing his family over his pregnant partner - not to mention I do 99% AMAZING - I take care of him and his other children when they are with him, provide, cook, clean - do all the things a wife should but really without the support of a husband. His family lie, go behind his back, inform his ex and his 15 year old daughter of things they have no right to know, never have his bacK and just a few weeks ago, that SAME brother had evidence the man who lives with his children’s mother was selling drugs and wouldn’t even provide him the evidence to support him fighting for his son. I feel like I have to give 100% and always accept my wrongs and deal with them but I get so little in return.
 

just looking for a little advice to establish whether I AM being selfish or if I’m right to feel how I feel x

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Peach91 said:

, I take care of him and his other children when they are with him, provide, cook, clean - do all the things a wife should but really without the support of a husband. I’ve now found out we are expecting a child together. 

How long have you been together?  Was the pregnancy planned? Do both of you want children together? Are you legally married?  Do you both work?

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Make sure you get appropriate prenatal care, including information on drinking during pregnancy. Get some tests done and follow up. 

How is his relationship with his child? Does he have partial custody? Does he pay child support? How is his coparenting relationship with her mother? 

You don't seem to like his family. However he's the problem. Try to sort out what you want to do about being pregnant and your health. It's unimportant whether you go to this wedding or not. Especially since you don't get along with his family.

 

[Peach91]

First of all WISEMAN [ ] I don’t have a drink problem - I’m just not a drinker so I had a few drinks and said some stupid things - BEFORE I found out I was pregnant and I wasn’t disrespectful because of who I was with just because of my drunken state. I have no issue with his family - it’s THEM who have pushed me out - when each of them have made plenty mistakes - both in and out of drink!!
 

we have been together for just over two years and yes our pregnancy is planned. 
 

and I don’t know which article you read - but I never said I had a problem with his family

or with drink.

 

and yes we both work - full time and look after his children as their own - they are with us every weekend. Not once did I say my partner was the problem - but I know I wouldn’t allow him to be excluded from anything - he has his flaws as well. I have never said he was the problem so why don’t you read it properly before offering an opinion, especially since I stated at the start how long we had been together and that his kids stay with us etc

Edited May 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility

[Peach91]

Not to mention what it has to do with his children’s mother - totally irrelevant to the topic [ ] 

Edited May 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Els]

What exactly did you say to them...?

There are two separate issues here. Firstly, family dynamics and the wedding. It's the BIL's decision who he wants to invite for his wedding, so there's not terribly much that can be done about that. It's also not a big deal to spend one evening apart even if you're pregnant, unless it's literally your delivery date. So, I'd encourage you to stay out of family dynamics as much as possible, and also to just let the wedding go. It's not a big deal.

But then we also have the much bigger issue that you are working full-time while doing all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of his kids while ALSO pregnant. Yeah, that would definitely be a recipe for resentment for most people, and I think that's the crux of the issue here. Have you tried addressing this with him before? Why isn't he taking care of his own kids? Why isn't he doing his share of the housework when you both work full-time (honestly, he should be doing more than you while you are pregnant, but even just half would be a good start)?

Edited May 27, 2023 by Els

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Peach91 said:

Not to mention what it has to do with his children’s mother - 

[ ] If you are uninvited to the wedding, try to talk to your partner about it. Hope it works out.

Edited May 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[Peach91]

His own mother and father believe I don’t deserve this - I said that he didn’t belong in his house - which I can’t even understand my meaning - and I stick up for him when his brother slags him off - again, a drunken comment with no truth. And that’s apparently enough to make sure he’s the only one in his family there without his own family. He has defended me to a certain extent, but otherwise he’s basically saying for me not to be upset by it etc. like I say, their sisters brother got drunk and attacked her to the point he actually had to be removed from their home, he’s invited. There has been plenty of mistakes on behalf of them in drink and otherwise but I’m unforgivable.

I’ve not made him choose between us, which I would never do - but yes, I do believe the problem is more about the fact he doesn’t have my back in the same way I do him, now with the family separation it’s making life that bit harder 

[Peach91]

Their sisters boyfriend * sorry - I’m a bit of a mess xx

[Peach91]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

[ ] If you are uninvited to the wedding, try to talk to your partner about it. Hope it works out.

I apologise wise man I thought you were implying I was a drunk during pregnancy and certainly felt as though you were assuming I didn’t like his family when indeed that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m just not one to pretend my 💩 doesn’t stink while reminding everyone else theirs does 

Edited May 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[glows]

Hey Peach,

At this point Id stay out of it and let the family have their moment and wedding. You need to feel secure in your relationship and I’m guessing this isn’t the case because your partner has let you down several times in the past - whether directly or indirectly in dealings with his family.

Is the pregnancy something you want? Have you been wanting a child? I’d think about the child and the pregnancy. The guy, second. He can fend for himself and so can you. Think about whether you’re both on the same page regarding a baby on the way. Your health matters. 

[Peach91]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Hey Peach,

At this point Id stay out of it and let the family have their moment and wedding. You need to feel secure in your relationship and I’m guessing this isn’t the case because your partner has let you down several times in the past - whether directly or indirectly in dealings with his family.

Is the pregnancy something you want? Have you been wanting a child? I’d think about the child and the pregnancy. The guy, second. He can fend for himself and so can you. Think about whether you’re both on the same page regarding a baby on the way. Your health matters. 

That’s the problem - no. We have never had any fallings out etc that’s why this is there is so many sore feelings over it. He has argued with his family over this and like I say their own mother and father have even said it’s a disgrace - we planned this baby yes, we have lived together for a year a half not like we just spend time together at weekends etc but I’ve not stopped him going to his brothers wedding - his brother has ultimately told him to make a choice and he says I’m wrong if I’m upset about that - that’s the point i am trying to make - I have no intention of going to their wedding if they sent me a diamond encrusted invitation I’d still refuse - not once have I asked him not to go to his brothers wedding - and not ever would I but he’s saying I don’t have the right to be upset and can’t say how it makes me feel - when they’re acting like I’ve done a great deal worse than I have considering they’ve forgiven others a lot worse 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

That’s the problem - no. We have never had any fallings out etc that’s why this is there is so many sore feelings over it. He has argued with his family over this and like I say their own mother and father have even said it’s a disgrace - we planned this baby yes, we have lived together for a year a half not like we just spend time together at weekends etc but I’ve not stopped him going to his brothers wedding - his brother has ultimately told him to make a choice and he says I’m wrong if I’m upset about that - that’s the point i am trying to make - I have no intention of going to their wedding if they sent me a diamond encrusted invitation I’d still refuse - not once have I asked him not to go to his brothers wedding - and not ever would I but he’s saying I don’t have the right to be upset and can’t say how it makes me feel - when they’re acting like I’ve done a great deal worse than I have considering they’ve forgiven others a lot worse 

What he really means is likely hold on the commentary about his family because it hurts him. He isn’t communicating well and coming across as offensive.

He can’t tell you what to feel - we all feel whatever we feel and sometimes even that is difficult to curb in ourselves. 

Avoid speaking poorly of any of his family members because that just causes people to take sides. No sides here. They can think whatever they want of you. Do you have support through friends and your own family? 

[Peach91]

2 hours ago, glows said:

What he really means is likely hold on the commentary about his family because it hurts him. He isn’t communicating well and coming across as offensive.

He can’t tell you what to feel - we all feel whatever we feel and sometimes even that is difficult to curb in ourselves. 

Avoid speaking poorly of any of his family members because that just causes people to take sides. No sides here. They can think whatever they want of you. Do you have support through friends and your own family? 

I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well - I’ve not said anything about his family - nor have I asked him to choose. His brother and fiancé are telling him I’m not allowed to go now - after I’ve given them 200 pound as a gift and paid for dresses and suits - now this warrants me not going. I haven’t bad mouthed his family nor have I said he can’t go - I have asked him not to discuss it with me because the situation is upsetting but I know shoe on the other foot he would feel the same

[Peach91]

3 hours ago, glows said:

What he really means is likely hold on the commentary about his family because it hurts him. He isn’t communicating well and coming across as offensive.

He can’t tell you what to feel - we all feel whatever we feel and sometimes even that is difficult to curb in ourselves. 

Avoid speaking poorly of any of his family members because that just causes people to take sides. No sides here. They can think whatever they want of you. Do you have support through friends and your own family? 

And why should his family be allowed to ‘think’ and ‘say’ whatever they wish about me - but not me say how that makes me feel in return?

[Stret]

It would help knowing what exactly did you say when you got drunk that made them tell you that you can't come. 

I'd be bothered too by the fact that he wouldn't even go and ask his brother that you attend - you clearly cannot even drink now during pregnancy and as you said, you normally don't drink either. I don't see that it is a problem at all or something that they are genuinely worries about - I see it as an excuse not to invite you to wedding, or rather, withdraw their invitation. This is not on you, unless what you said was insulting in some way (people can be very sensitive).

[Peach91]

3 minutes ago, Stret said:

It would help knowing what exactly did you say when you got drunk that made them tell you that you can't come. 

I'd be bothered too by the fact that he wouldn't even go and ask his brother that you attend - you clearly cannot even drink now during pregnancy and as you said, you normally don't drink either. I don't see that it is a problem at all or something that they are genuinely worries about - I see it as an excuse not to invite you to wedding, or rather, withdraw their invitation. This is not on you, unless what you said was insulting in some way (people can be very sensitive).

I’ve already stated what I said above and like I’ve already said - there has been plenty worse done and said on behalf of others who are still allowed to go - as far as the sisters partner going to attack her and having to be carted out of the house - he’s still invited.

 

I told him I didn’t think he belonged in his house and that when his brother slags him off I defend him - I don’t believe that warrants his partner of 2.5 year to not be with him - nor is it justifiable when they have each done and said a great deal worse. 

[Stret]

Your entire focus should be on getting through pregnancy with as little stress as possible. Don't bother with his family - do talk to him and tell him what you think and feel and how it affecting you. And that is all you can do, the rest is on him. I am sorry to hear you feel so alone in this situation. I would probably feel the same. People will always say things, it is your choice how you react - and the way we react is learned from childhood even and it is stronger than us. But this can be worked on - if you have Instagram, please visit The Holistic Pyschologist Dr Nicole LaPera. Scroll down through her page. She explains things simply and effectively, and most of us can use a lot of what she says to make our lives better.
I had to deal with a messed up family of my partner (now ex). His mother would invent things that I never said and he, despite knowing all that, still didn't want to protect me in any way and stayed neutral. I overfocused on her at the time because I was younger and it hurt. His reaction hurt worse. If I had a protection from him and him taking my side, it would all be a breeze... unpleasant, but that's all. It wouldn't hurt. I understand where you're at. But if I could give myself advice at the time, it would be to just become more selfish and focused on my own needs, to trust myself and my intuition more - one thing the psychologist from that Instagram page says is that many of us are trained in the childhood to neglect our own needs and wants and to please others. Maybe you don't need to be that good to his kids and try and do the right thing for everyone else. It may subconsciously make you resentful, irritable, angry... when your own needs are not met and your own partner is not meeting them, then it might lead to this. 

Sorry if all this is off the right track and missing all the points. 
Good luck with everything.
 

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, this is a hard one. 

OK, who exactly is preventing you or telling you that you cannot go to the wedding? Your bf or his mother and father or the brother---or all of the above?

I know the drinking was a one-off, you say. But I don't know. Sounds like you said some things that you might not really know that you feel. You do know the filter goes off when we drink and so some of the "stupid" nonsensical stuff we say, actually can make quite a bit of sense from the perspective that we're not editing ourselves. 

I don't like that you're doing all this work for you and bf. I think you ARE resentful of that. You just don't want to admit it, might be too frightening to admit because then you would have to take action, like break up or confront your bf in a very serious way.

Honestly, I think you're going to HATE bf for not standing up for you with his family. You can say you won't. But there are some things that just create resentment--and feeling abandoned by bf will lead to resentment. You want to go ahead and face that truth. You can't just sit this out and be OK. You won't be OK. You'll be quietly furious and so the next time bf does something you don't like, you're likely to have an extreme reaction.  Also, you'll be tiptoeing around his family from here on out--and that is going to soak into your relationship in the form again of resentment. 

Let's put this issue aside. Forget the wedding and bf's reaction and so on. Is this relationship really good for you? I'm not sure I'm convinced that this relationship is really good for you. 

[stillafool]

Personally, if they didn't want me at their wedding I would be more than happy to stay home or do something else.  Why would you buy them an expensive gift and pay for suits and dresses if you're not invited?  If you bought them before hand take them back and get your money back to save for the baby.

[MsJayne]

So, you give a lot in this relationship and get three parts of bugger all back, and when an issue arises where your BF needs to show some loyalty, he doesn't.  I'm confused about the drinking bit and what was said that was so offensive, sounds like maybe you insulted the whole family, but if you were happy and everything was OK you probably wouldn't have said anything bad even if you were drunk. Regardless, if your BF decides to attend the wedding without you that's an indicator of just how low on his ladder of priorities you are, and how self-absorbed and immature he is, (though I don't think you really need any more proof of that). For me this would be enough to make me consider whether I wanted to raise my child around this family and what sort of father your BF is going to be. I would begin making secret plans to leave. 

[basil67]

16 hours ago, Peach91 said:

I got very drunk very quick and acted myself a bit - said a few things I shouldn’t but actually things that weren’t particularly offensive - or that made any sense

Knowing what you said would be very helpful in understanding and figuring out the way forward.  Thing is, one person's 'not particularly offensive' can be 'really offensive' to someone else.   What did you say and who did you say it to/about?

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Peach91 said:

I’ve been with my partner for just over two years now… 

his brother is getting married in august and a few weeks ago, we all had a drink - I don’t drink - and I got very drunk very quick and acted myself a bit - said a few things I shouldn’t but actually things that weren’t particularly offensive - or that made any sense - like I say - 3 vodkas and I was oblivious - HOWEVER.. I’m now not allowed to the wedding because of my drunken behaviour. Despite me apologising and giving my word I wouldn’t drink - certainly not spirits as I know I can’t handle it, however, I’ve now found out we are expecting a child together. I wouldn’t ever ask him not to go to his brothers wedding - I’d never put him in that position, but at what point do I remind him by not making a choice he is choosing his family over his pregnant partner - not to mention I do 99% AMAZING - I take care of him and his other children when they are with him, provide, cook, clean - do all the things a wife should but really without the support of a husband. His family lie, go behind his back, inform his ex and his 15 year old daughter of things they have no right to know, never have his bacK and just a few weeks ago, that SAME brother had evidence the man who lives with his children’s mother was selling drugs and wouldn’t even provide him the evidence to support him fighting for his son. I feel like I have to give 100% and always accept my wrongs and deal with them but I get so little in return.

Going back to your original post, it's great that you apologised.  But given that you don't think your words were particularly offensive, what did you actually apologise for doing?   

As an aside, I'm worried about what's going on in your relationship with your partner.  No person should be doing 99% of all the domestic work unless their partner is completely incapacitated by illness or disability.   It's certainly not a wife's role to be maid-servant.  It's not the slightest bit OK that he sits back and lets you wait on him and his kids.... and this does suggest that he takes you for granted and doesn't respect you.  And this lack of respect could well be behind him not pulling out of the wedding to support you.   I totally understand that you want to show your care for him, but why doesn't he get up off his rear end and clean the kitchen, the bathroom and cook some meals for you and his family?

Are you doing all this work and also holding down a job?  

What kind of husband/father will he be when the baby is born?  Is he also going to sit around and let you wait on him when you're exhausted caring for a newborn?

 

Edited May 27, 2023 by basil67

[Peach91]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Personally, if they didn't want me at their wedding I would be more than happy to stay home or do something else.  Why would you buy them an expensive gift and pay for suits and dresses if you're not invited?  If you bought them before hand take them back and get your money back to save for the baby.

I did this BEFORE - I was invited up until 4 weeks ago. I said two silly things - NOT really offensive and again if you aren’t going to actually READ to establish I’ve already answered the majority of questions and why - I’m not unhappy about the wedding - yes I’m sad that i have to watch my partner and his kids leave whilst me and my daughter are no longer a part of it - now PEOPLE I’ve spoken to - have said you should always put your spouse above any other person - especially your pregnant one. He has defended me but despite him, as well as his mother and father fighting my corner, and others doing a great deal worse - it’s quite unfair that I’m unforgivable but others aren’t.

 

 

 

[Peach91]

I have already stated several times

throughout this thread, 

what I said -

who I said it to -

It’s NOT ME causing an issue about not going to the wedding - it’s his brother continuously reminding him I’m not allowed and he won’t ever forgive him if he doesn’t go and enjoy it, but my partner says no I won’t enjoy it without MY family there - 

 

his family aren’t very good to him - don’t support him or have his back, go behind his back with his ex partner and when it relates to his children.

its a bit difficult to relax and focus on a pregnancy that I’ve only confirmed two days ago - not even seen midwife or GP yet I’m not heavily pregnant but will be around 4 months at the time of the wedding - I’m not longer just his partner but the mother of his child - he should have my back more 

[Peach91]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Going back to your original post, it's great that you apologised.  But given that you don't think your words were particularly offensive, what did you actually apologise for doing?   

As an aside, I'm worried about what's going on in your relationship with your partner.  No person should be doing 99% of all the domestic work unless their partner is completely incapacitated by illness or disability.   It's certainly not a wife's role to be maid-servant.  It's not the slightest bit OK that he sits back and lets you wait on him and his kids.... and this does suggest that he takes you for granted and doesn't respect you.  And this lack of respect could well be behind him not pulling out of the wedding to support you.   I totally understand that you want to show your care for him, but why doesn't he get up off his rear end and clean the kitchen, the bathroom and cook some meals for you and his family?

Are you doing all this work and also holding down a job?  

What kind of husband/father will he be when the baby is born?  Is he also going to sit around and let you wait on him when you're exhausted caring for a newborn?

 

I apologised because I shouldn’t have said anything in drink that caused any offensive irrespective of whether I don’t believe it was very offensive - I have stated several times what I said - i don’t dictate what upsets someone else - but I do stand by that I don’t deserve this treatment when everyone else is forgiven for a great deal worse