Brother-in-laws wedding

[Alpacalia]

12 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

You seem to be so focussed on the drink that you’re totally missing the actual point - and you’ve already mentioned the drink and drugs. I consume maybe 12 units of alcohol 3 times a year - at most. So no, it wasn’t a concern 

Because it's littered in this thread. It's part of the dynamic that you're associated with when you're around drinking and drug use whether you do it yourself regularly or not.

These are things that YOU mentioned about his family that bother you. What don't you get?

[Peach91]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Because it's littered in this thread. It's part of the dynamic that you're associated with when you're around drinking and drug use whether you do it yourself regularly or not.

These are things that YOU mentioned about his family that bother you. What don't you get?

No - I’ve not once said that drink is a problem in our relationship or otherwise. I’ve stated we don’t drink and as a result of that I said something stupid because I don’t and can’t handle my drink and not once have I said that him, his family or myself have taken drugs - rather I am supporting him thru his issues with his ex partner and HER partner has advertised drugs on social media - which the same brother not allowing me to the wedding wouldn’t provide proof of - to help his own brother but quite happily excludes the only person who does have his back. 
 

NOT ONCE have I said his family drink regularly or take drugs - just that others have also made mistakes - both whilst under the influence of alcohol

and otherwise. 
 

The alcohol consumption is absolutely irrelevant to the ongoing situation - it happened because I had 3 vodkas - 3 DRINKS - the first I’d had in 2023 - alcohol and drugs aren’t the issue 

[Peach91]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I know that you want all to be able to co-exist peacefully and for your child to have a relationship with their family and don't want it to be awkward.

Yes, it's good that you show your boyfriend that you are sorry and willing to take responsibility for your actions.

Leave it there.

What his family thinks isn't your business, though.

I very much agree with what Stret wrote.

You're in control of your own life and it's ok to set boundaries. You don't need to make everyone happy. It's ok to say 'no' when necessary.

Stop trying so hard to get his family to accept your apology and make your boyfriend happy and take care of everything at home.

And may I also add my home is in order. 

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

And may I also add my home is in order. 

Good to hear. I do hope the situation gets better for you.

Good-luck.

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Peach91 said:

it’s his brother continuously reminding him I’m not allowed and he won’t ever forgive him if he doesn’t go and enjoy it, but my partner says no I won’t enjoy it without MY family there - 

 

If your partner's brother is saying these things to him he shouldn't be telling them to you.  Doesn't he know you get upset hearing how his brother feels about you?  To me that is somewhat cruel of your partner and he should tell his brother to hush up and decide to either not go to the wedding or tell his people to stop voicing their opinions about you to him.  He sounds like a whimp.

[basil67]

You mentioned a few posts back that you and your partner are minding the BILs kids while they are on the honeymoon.  Why on earth would the two of you go ahead with this when they have stopped you from coming to the wedding?   And why would they want their children around you if they don't want you at the wedding?

 

[Peach91]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

If your partner's brother is saying these things to him he shouldn't be telling them to you.  Doesn't he know you get upset hearing how his brother feels about you?  To me that is somewhat cruel of your partner and he should tell his brother to hush up and decide to either not go to the wedding or tell his people to stop voicing their opinions about you to him.  He sounds like a whimp.

He says he is only telling me to show me that he is defending me - and yes he has - but his family say he is ‘throwing others under the bus’ when he points out others mistakes and problems, but they believe it’s totally fine to point out the one that I made and penalise me for it - but yes I definitely don’t think he has used his mind in terms of not protecting me from what they say - especially when they’re treating me like this for something I said stupidly whilst drunk and now seems to be irreparable. 

[Peach91]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

You mentioned a few posts back that you and your partner are minding the BILs kids while they are on the honeymoon.  Why on earth would the two of you go ahead with this when they have stopped you from coming to the wedding?   And why would they want their children around you if they don't want you at the wedding?

 

Well… exactly, and I’m the problem?

That’s his niece and nephew and I would never ever let them down, truth is I still wouldn’t let any of them down if they needed me, I think it’s making this that bit harder to handle because i know I made a mistake but i genuinely believed my good was greater than my bad. But -

all it takes is one mistake - so they mustn’t have a high opinion of me to start with 

[Weezy1973]

So I think the “not in his home” comment was you basically suggesting his family doesn’t have his back and support him like you do. So, even if true, especially if true in fact, is going to make them very angry. And that’s fine.

I don’t think your boyfriend can not go to the wedding. It’s his family. He is trying his best to defend you while not severing ties with his family. But that being said, I think at the core of this really is the resentment that has built up because you’re doing all the work in the relationship. 
 

When someone is co-dependent, you in this case, you think you’re loved for what you do, instead of who you are. You give, give, give, thinking that’s what makes you lovable, and when it isn’t returned, it breeds anger and resentment, and that’s what’s boiling to the surface now. 
 

If you weren’t in that state of resentment, you would be able to see how your boyfriend is in a precarious position between his girlfriend and his family,. If you want to be a good partner, just back off. Support your boyfriend if he wants to go to the wedding even though you’re not invited as you understand he wants to support his brother. And that’s important to him. 

[Peach91]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

So I think the “not in his home” comment was you basically suggesting his family doesn’t have his back and support him like you do. So, even if true, especially if true in fact, is going to make them very angry. And that’s fine.

I don’t think your boyfriend can not go to the wedding. It’s his family. He is trying his best to defend you while not severing ties with his family. But that being said, I think at the core of this really is the resentment that has built up because you’re doing all the work in the relationship. 
 

When someone is co-dependent, you in this case, you think you’re loved for what you do, instead of who you are. You give, give, give, thinking that’s what makes you lovable, and when it isn’t returned, it breeds anger and resentment, and that’s what’s boiling to the surface now. 
 

If you weren’t in that state of resentment, you would be able to see how your boyfriend is in a precarious position between his girlfriend and his family,. If you want to be a good partner, just back off. Support your boyfriend if he wants to go to the wedding even though you’re not invited as you understand he wants to support his brother. And that’s important to him. 

I don’t ever want him to decide between us - I’ve told both him and his family I understand and accept the decision no matter how little or much I offended anyone I wouldn’t ever make him choose, but they are and reminding him regularly of their decision - almost daily, his brother messaging saying he better not ruin it by being miserable etc. what I said had no truth, truth be told we don’t discuss his family - none of them have his back and that’s fact. My comments were simply drunken comments I don’t remember even saying let alone have any meaning - it was a drunken mistake, something I’ve not ever done before and wouldn’t repeat because the best apology is changed behaviour. In terms of the relationship, I do feel that I am more upset about the situation because I know no matter his wrongs my family would never exclude him and I certainly would put a stop to any bad mouthing, etc and if it continued I’d be cutting ties from any family who refused to support me or stop doing and saying things that would hurt my partner

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Peach91 said:

Well… exactly, and I’m the problem?

That’s his niece and nephew and I would never ever let them down, truth is I still wouldn’t let any of them down if they needed me, I think it’s making this that bit harder to handle because i know I made a mistake but i genuinely believed my good was greater than my bad. But -

all it takes is one mistake - so they mustn’t have a high opinion of me to start with 

 

It sounds like you guys are far too involved with each other and need some space.  Why take their kids and still remain resentful?  That isn't doing the kids any favor.  Create boundaries.

[Peach91]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

It sounds like you guys are far too involved with each other and need some space.  Why take their kids and still remain resentful?  That isn't doing the kids any favor.  Create boundaries.

I don’t have much involvement with his family - but him and I live together, he was already asked to care for the kids whilst on honeymoon prior to this - and I still couldn’t be spiteful and demand him not have his own niece and nephew - this was his home and we moved in with him due to him having the bedroom space we needed, so I’m kind of stuck in that respect

[Peach91]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

It sounds like you guys are far too involved with each other and need some space.  Why take their kids and still remain resentful?  That isn't doing the kids any favor.  Create boundaries.

Having said that - I have said that I don’t find it fair that I have to just ‘accept’ everything and always be the bigger person - like you say I’m not good enough to be at a wedding but good enough for their children to be around when they’re in need. Of course their response is ‘it’s their uncle that’s doing them the favour not me’.

 

my back is against the wall when I know I need to set boundaries and not tolerate stuff that is much worse from them.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

Having said that - I have said that I don’t find it fair that I have to just ‘accept’ everything and always be the bigger person - like you say I’m not good enough to be at a wedding but good enough for their children to be around when they’re in need. Of course their response is ‘it’s their uncle that’s doing them the favour not me’.

 

my back is against the wall when I know I need to set boundaries and not tolerate stuff that is much worse from them.

Again, it's up to your boyfriend to deal with his relatives.  As you say since you live with him in his house and he agreed to keep the kids while they were on honeymoon, that's that.  Too bad he isn't more mindful of what would be better for you in the long run.  Your issue is with him really, not them.

[Peach91]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Again, it's up to your boyfriend to deal with his relatives.  As you say since you live with him in his house and he agreed to keep the kids while they were on honeymoon, that's that.  Too bad he isn't more mindful of what would be better for you in the long run.  Your issue is with him really, not them.

There wouldn’t be any issue around this if they were willing to accept my apology over something so petulant. He’s trying to maintain a relationship with his family and defending me also - but what more can he do? By saying no to his family he is choosing me, but by not, the choice is made - the problem is almost daily his family are still discussing me whilst happy for their kids to remain in the home where me and my daughter are full time - but not good enough to be round his daughter.

 

I have tried to make it easier for all involved but still seem to be the one who has to ‘settle’

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

I have tried to make it easier for all involved but still seem to be the one who has to ‘settle’

Yes, I think this is accurate. You can continue to let this bother you, which only hurts you, or you can let it go. Your boyfriend is doing his best in this situation, even if it’s different than what you would do. You’re two different people after all. But to be clear, he’s not choosing his family over you. It’s not black and white. He’s chosen a middle ground as to try to not ruin any of the relationships that are important to him. 

[Peach91]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, I think this is accurate. You can continue to let this bother you, which only hurts you, or you can let it go. Your boyfriend is doing his best in this situation, even if it’s different than what you would do. You’re two different people after all. But to be clear, he’s not choosing his family over you. It’s not black and white. He’s chosen a middle ground as to try to not ruin any of the relationships that are important to him. 

That’s not what I’m saying - if you’ve read all the posts you’d know it’s not me saying anything about the wedding - other than yes the choice upsets me but I accept it - I made the mistake I held my hands up and now regularly being slated by this same family who is still willing for their children to stay in a home with me for four nights but I’m not good enough to be at their wedding. His brother is telling him DAILY he better not be miserable and ruin his day, and arguing with him when he tells them how he feels. I don’t blame my partner and certainly never once said he shouldn’t be at the wedding - but they happily took money off ME as a gift, and are quite willing to exclude me because of one thing wrong when I’ve done a million right. Not to mention, yes they’re blood - but they never ever support him or be there for him, I’d go as far as saying disloyal to him - very personal and private matters discussed with his ex and her partner - whilst he is also facing a nightmare in terms of his contact with his children because his ex does not promote fathers - and they still don’t support him, and at what point does ‘they’re family’ stop being the reason to continue being loyal to them because loyalty and love and respect is nothing to do with blood

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

and at what point does ‘they’re family’ stop being the reason to continue being loyal to them because loyalty and love and respect is nothing to do with blood

That’s up to him.

Also did you ask for your wedding gift back?

[Peach91]

18 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

That’s up to him.

Also did you ask for your wedding gift back?

No of course I haven’t just like I haven’t caused a problem about being uninvited to the wedding nor having their kids during their honeymoon - but at what point do I stand my ground and tell them

its no longer ok to keep ratifying me for one mistake like they’ve never made any whilst taking full advantage of my good nature and being quite happy for me to be the only source of support and help in ANY way, that includes my family. My mam helps us financially - more so when he was paid off, but she helps us with shopping, running errands etc as do my sisters. And I’m tiring of being slandered by his family and don’t believe I shut just be putting up

and shutting up after 5 weeks I’ve had my name mentioned and talked bad of

[Peach91]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

That’s up to him.

Also did you ask for your wedding gift back?

And correct, it is his choice, but I shouldn’t have to be the topic of conversation or bad mouthed by his family when EVER the wedding is mentioned and it’s not even me discussing it. So

im not right to be upset about the wedding, and not right to be upset about the way they are treating me and speaking of me also - his family need boundaries also

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

And correct, it is his choice, but I shouldn’t have to be the topic of conversation or bad mouthed by his family when EVER the wedding is mentioned and it’s not even me discussing it. So

im not right to be upset about the wedding, and not right to be upset about the way they are treating me and speaking of me also - his family need boundaries also

Again, you should know nothiing about them bad mouthing you.  Tell you SO to stop telling you what his family are saying about you as it seems to be affecting your mental health.  He should also tell them to not talk about you in front of him.  The fact is that part of his family just doesn't like you for whatever reason and if I were you I'd make peace with that and live my life with my boyfriend and kids.  You are correct that all of you need some boundaries.

Edited May 29, 2023 by stillafool

[Peach91]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Again, you should know nothiing about them bad mouthing you.  Tell you SO to stop telling you what his family are saying about you as it seems to be affecting your mental health.  He should also tell them to not talk about you in front of him.  The fact is that part of his family just doesn't like you for whatever reason and if I were you I'd make peace with that and live my life with my boyfriend and kids.  You are correct that all of you need some boundaries.

They do this over message, his brother has messaged him regularly mentioning it - which has caused him to argue - i would rather hear it from him but as a matter of fact they should be ashamed for doing it. I’d understand if my behaviour deserved it but it doesn’t and didn’t 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Peach91 said:

They do this over message, his brother has messaged him regularly mentioning it - which has caused him to argue - i would rather hear it from him but as a matter of fact they should be ashamed for doing it. I’d understand if my behaviour deserved it but it doesn’t and didn’t 

I don't care if they are doing it by carrier pigeon, it needs to stop.  Your SO should have stopped it a long time ago.  It's his fault for allowing them to talk that way about you to him and then to tell you what they said.  He isn't very protective of you, is he?

[Peach91]

Just now, stillafool said:

I don't care if they are doing it by carrier pigeon, it needs to stop.  Your SO should have stopped it a long time ago.  It's his fault for allowing them to talk that way about you to him and then to tell you what they said.  He isn't very protective of you, is he?

He is defending me - he’s telling them to stop saying these things - stop painting me out to be a bad guy etc and that he doesn’t believe they are being fair, arguing with his family - then they are in response blaming ME when he says if they keep treating me this way he doesn’t want anything to do with them. I’m shocked that they are reacting how they are to the situation in all fairness and despite him telling them

on many occasions that they’ve had their say etc, they still are 

[petee]

OP, it sounds to me like your other half is a wrong ‘un. It shouldn’t have crossed his mind to go without you. He knows your drinking problem (sorry, I just had to!!), he actually knows you don’t drink, it’s a one-off and wasn’t bad at all.

I don’t think you will last, he’s just not supporting you. No-brainer, you’re either both their or neither. If the brother is petty enough to say they won’t forgive, then so be it. That family sounds like bad news, is this what you really want, is this for keeps?

Each to their own, but I understand your post completely, you have a choice; I don’t think the stress and awkwardness is worth it, he does NOT have your back, he simply doesn’t understand what he’s got and how he must treat you.

Dont give an ultimatum but he is lacking in the very basic of how to treat the love of your life.