Brother-in-laws wedding

[Peach91]

6 minutes ago, petee said:

OP, it sounds to me like your other half is a wrong ‘un. It shouldn’t have crossed his mind to go without you. He knows your drinking problem (sorry, I just had to!!), he actually knows you don’t drink, it’s a one-off and wasn’t bad at all.

I don’t think you will last, he’s just not supporting you. No-brainer, you’re either both their or neither. If the brother is petty enough to say they won’t forgive, then so be it. That family sounds like bad news, is this what you really want, is this for keeps?

Each to their own, but I understand your post completely, you have a choice; I don’t think the stress and awkwardness is worth it, he does NOT have your back, he simply doesn’t understand what he’s got and how he must treat you.

Dont give an ultimatum but he is lacking in the very basic of how to treat the love of your life.

If Thank you, and I suppose it is something I have to consider - whether the relationship is one that can last because of a vast range of reasons. I’ve lacked boundaries and continued to give more of myself than I get in return and seems I’m always the one who must make sacrifices. Maybe there is too much water under the bridge as they say 

[petee]

Just don’t sell yourself short, you seem level headed and one to look in, before shouting out.

His family are not worth it, no boundaries or respect. Actions not words, you can words from a dictionary but never any action.

Good luck.

[Peach91]

19 minutes ago, petee said:

Just don’t sell yourself short, you seem level headed and one to look in, before shouting out.

His family are not worth it, no boundaries or respect. Actions not words, you can words from a dictionary but never any action.

Good luck.

Thank you 🙏 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Peach91 said:

He is defending me - he’s telling them to stop saying these things

And yet they are still doing it and he is allowing it to continue.  And I use the word "allowing" it deliberately.  Sure, he's told them not to do it, but they are ignoring him...and he just lets it continue.   If he was truly loyal to you, by this stage he should have refused the wedding, refused the child minding and blocked the lot of them. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Peach91 said:

I’ve lacked boundaries and continued to give more of myself than I get in return and seems I’m always the one who must make sacrifices.

This is where you really need to look deep. This is indicative of co-dependency. You lacking boundaries and sacrificing is on you and often will sabotage relationships. You shouldn’t feel you’re ever sacrificing. Both parties compromising for sure. Even keeping score is problematic. You need to own you resentment and why you let things get so far without asserting boundaries. You can’t be upset that they’re keeping your wedding gift while you’ve never asked for it back. You’re trying to make it seem like they just should have read your mind. You need to ask if you want it back and if you don’t want it back then don’t get upset about it. I suspect your conflict avoidant as well and relationships are by definition going to have conflict. Again, if you end this one, you need to do some introspection or else your next relationship will be the same.

[Peach91]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

And yet they are still doing it and he is allowing it to continue.  And I use the word "allowing" it deliberately.  Sure, he's told them not to do it, but they are ignoring him...and he just lets it continue.   If he was truly loyal to you, by this stage he should have refused the wedding, refused the child minding and blocked the lot of them. 

Which is the situation we are finding ourselves in - when do I say enough is enough and deliver that ultimatum? Because right now i am conflicted told not to get in between the family dynamics but I’m slowly becoming lower and lower - so when do I put my foot down and tell him to block his family for how they speak of me? 

[Peach91]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is where you really need to look deep. This is indicative of co-dependency. You lacking boundaries and sacrificing is on you and often will sabotage relationships. You shouldn’t feel you’re ever sacrificing. Both parties compromising for sure. Even keeping score is problematic. You need to own you resentment and why you let things get so far without asserting boundaries. You can’t be upset that they’re keeping your wedding gift while you’ve never asked for it back. You’re trying to make it seem like they just should have read your mind. You need to ask if you want it back and if you don’t want it back then don’t get upset about it. I suspect your conflict avoidant as well and relationships are by definition going to have conflict. Again, if you end this one, you need to do some introspection or else your next relationship will be the same.

I’m not upset about the wedding gift - however if I was going to accept money from someone then uninvite them - I’d return it without being asked.. I didn’t ask for advice about my relationship itself just simply around the issue with the wedding and when I should put my foot down and stop allowing this without being the one who’s making him choose. Very conflicted with all the responses to be fair because some state no I shouldn’t accept it, others say leave I’m and his family be - hell no, that’s me lacking boundaries again

[Peach91]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is where you really need to look deep. This is indicative of co-dependency. You lacking boundaries and sacrificing is on you and often will sabotage relationships. You shouldn’t feel you’re ever sacrificing. Both parties compromising for sure. Even keeping score is problematic. You need to own you resentment and why you let things get so far without asserting boundaries. You can’t be upset that they’re keeping your wedding gift while you’ve never asked for it back. You’re trying to make it seem like they just should have read your mind. You need to ask if you want it back and if you don’t want it back then don’t get upset about it. I suspect your conflict avoidant as well and relationships are by definition going to have conflict. Again, if you end this one, you need to do some introspection or else your next relationship will be the same.

I shouldn’t have to ask them for anything - for 5 weeks they have slandered me on the regular and uninvited me -
they should have returned that money right then. So no, I’m sorry but that’s on them. 

[JTSW]

In my opinion, you haven't done anything wrong.

His brother just used it as an excuse to uninvite you from the wedding.

Your bf doesn't seem to have your back at all.

You need to have a good talk with him about the future and how you don't want any animosity with him or his family.

But as your partner and father of your child, he needs to step up and prioritise his own new family.

Tell him its not ok the way they treat you and it's not ok that he doesn't shut them down for it.

You need him to have your back as much as you have his, especially now that you're carrying his child.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Peach91 said:

when I should put my foot down and stop allowing this without being the one who’s making him choose.

Tell him how it makes you feel without accusing him of anything. Use “I” statements. Don’t say things like “you should be…” Talk together and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you. You’re a team. Remember his perspective isn’t wrong; it’s just different than yours. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Firstly, Congrats on your blessed event.  From where I sit, I see you made a mistake with his family with getting a bit drunk.  And when one is this, Many say things they later regret.  Now, they have banned you from the wedding and also it may be, They will go behind your back and wag their own tails. I believe your partner should go and talk to them about having you at the wedding.  Or if they still stand their ground and don't want you there, Try to make peace with them, On your behalf.  It is bro's wedding and if he decides, Regardless of how amazing a partner you are with all that you do for him, Decides to go to the wedding anyways, Leave it alone and accept the fact that he may be attending  some family functions until hopefully you can go yourself again someday.  With you and the baby and him.  Some men won't choose between their wife and parents.  Some will.

[Peach91]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

In my opinion, you haven't done anything wrong.

His brother just used it as an excuse to uninvite you from the wedding.

Your bf doesn't seem to have your back at all.

You need to have a good talk with him about the future and how you don't want any animosity with him or his family.

But as your partner and father of your child, he needs to step up and prioritise his own new family.

Tell him its not ok the way they treat you and it's not ok that he doesn't shut them down for it.

You need him to have your back as much as you have his, especially now that you're carrying his child.

Thank you for that. I have felt so conflicted that I’m actually the one in the wrong, maybe I’m wrong for feeling how I feel etc but I’d never allow him to feel this because I’d never allow it to happen if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

I appreciate your advice and we had a conversation last night which I think made some difference and he did see it from my point of view a little more than previous.

[Peach91]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Tell him how it makes you feel without accusing him of anything. Use “I” statements. Don’t say things like “you should be…” Talk together and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you. You’re a team. Remember his perspective isn’t wrong; it’s just different than yours. 

To be honest, I’ve not disagreed with anything - other than I don’t believe he should continue to allow his family to ratify me. They’ve made their point so why can’t they leave it alone just as I have? Taking full advantage of the fact they know he won’t cut ties With them and if he did blame me - quite upsetting when I’ve not asked him ever make that choice

[Peach91]

1 hour ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

Firstly, Congrats on your blessed event.  From where I sit, I see you made a mistake with his family with getting a bit drunk.  And when one is this, Many say things they later regret.  Now, they have banned you from the wedding and also it may be, They will go behind your back and wag their own tails. I believe your partner should go and talk to them about having you at the wedding.  Or if they still stand their ground and don't want you there, Try to make peace with them, On your behalf.  It is bro's wedding and if he decides, Regardless of how amazing a partner you are with all that you do for him, Decides to go to the wedding anyways, Leave it alone and accept the fact that he may be attending  some family functions until hopefully you can go yourself again someday.  With you and the baby and him.  Some men won't choose between their wife and parents.  Some will.

There is no way I would be trying to repair the relationship with his family. I gave my full and wholesome apology two days after my behaviour. Now at 5 weeks later I’m still being named and mentioned - when I’ve left well alone and I think the damage they have caused since is a great deal worse. I don’t believe any GOOD MAN would continue to speak to anyone, family or otherwise, when they are ratifying their partner for a mistake she made which was out of character anyway. I’m no longer repairing bridges I didn’t burn 

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Peach91 said:

Which is the situation we are finding ourselves in - when do I say enough is enough and deliver that ultimatum? Because right now i am conflicted told not to get in between the family dynamics but I’m slowly becoming lower and lower - so when do I put my foot down and tell him to block his family for how they speak of me? 

You can tell him how you feel about what's happening, but you can't tell him to cut his family off. This must be his own decision.  That said, if he does choose to keep himself involved with them and they keep hating on you, you would be wise to walk away from him and his family.

 

[Peach91]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

You can tell him how you feel about what's happening, but you can't tell him to cut his family off. This must be his own decision.  That said, if he does choose to keep himself involved with them and they keep hating on you, you would be wise to walk away from him and his family.

 

That being said - if I walk away from him because he doesn’t put a stop to this - then I’m making him choose regardless. At the end of the day - after 5 weeks

im still topic of conversation - he has a choice to make and yeah it’s about time I issued an ultimatum. He either puts a stop to the s*** or he cuts them off because it wouldn’t be ok if it was me slagging them off 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Peach91 said:

That being said - if I walk away from him because he doesn’t put a stop to this - then I’m making him choose regardless. At the end of the day - after 5 weeks

im still topic of conversation - he has a choice to make and yeah it’s about time I issued an ultimatum. He either puts a stop to the s*** or he cuts them off because it wouldn’t be ok if it was me slagging them off 

Then go ahead and use the ultimatum.  Why haven't you anyway by now?  The problem is with your bf because if he took a stronger stance against his family they would keep their negative opinions about you to themselves even if they still don't want you at the wedding.  He hasn't put a stop to it and continues to tell you everything bad they say about you.  If I were you I'd move back in with your mom because this guy isn't going to end up marrying you because his family doesn't like you.  He's not going to go against his family for you in the end.

[Stret]

On 5/29/2023 at 10:21 AM, Peach91 said:

That’s his niece and nephew and I would never ever let them down, truth is I still wouldn’t let any of them down if they needed me, I think it’s making this that bit harder to handle because i know I made a mistake but i genuinely believed my good was greater than my bad. But -

 

This is the root of the problem. You are acting like a pushover - they treat you like crap and you are still willing to run to them and help them out should they need anything. Why are you really doing that (you can answer this only to yourself)? I think you desperately want their approval and liking. Good girl syndrome that is often from childhood remains through life but can be kicked out if you raise own awareness about where your behaviour comes from, about how to set healthy boundaries and respect them, about how to choose yourself over others and not feel bad about it, etc. 
Your partner is definitely a pushover and has been in that role their entire life - otherwise, what brother that has any respect for his brother would uninvite his partner from his wedding? Both of you need to change yourselves from within, keep the polite distance with that toxic family and respect yourself more. If your partner is not up to it, you need to do it for yourself. Your partner will certainly notice any change that is genuine and comes from within, and if he is in any way concerned about losing you, he might want to up his game to keep you. 

Self-respect is something you need to start having more of, and care much less about what others think and talk about you. Set your goals, have your friends, hobbies, and focus on yourself. If someone calls you selfish because you are refusing to accept a toxic situation, and because you have chosen your mental health over unhealthy dynamics, they are not really your friends. 
This what you were describing here will never change and you can only slowly whitter in it, becoming more and more depressed, angry and unhappy. The only thing you can work on and change is yourself. Find a job if you don't have one, see what rent you can afford, and what alternatives you have and get out if everything becomes too much - and a child will add to it for sure. 

[basil67]

On 5/31/2023 at 1:28 PM, Peach91 said:

That being said - if I walk away from him because he doesn’t put a stop to this - then I’m making him choose regardless. At the end of the day - after 5 weeks

im still topic of conversation - he has a choice to make and yeah it’s about time I issued an ultimatum. He either puts a stop to the s*** or he cuts them off because it wouldn’t be ok if it was me slagging them off 

No, you're not making him choose.  Rather, you are saying how you feel about what's happening and he either chooses to put a stop to it or he lets it continue. Then you  make your decision based on that. 

The way I'm proposing doesn't involve an ultimation. Rather, you make your own decision after quietly observing his response to your needs.

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/30/2023 at 6:27 AM, Peach91 said:

To be honest, I’ve not disagreed with anything - other than I don’t believe he should continue to allow his family to ratify me. They’ve made their point so why can’t they leave it alone just as I have? Taking full advantage of the fact they know he won’t cut ties With them and if he did blame me - quite upsetting when I’ve not asked him ever make that choice

Just a few posts back, though, you were talking about giving him an ultimatum.  

[Stret]

Ultimatum does not have to be called that - you can think of it as communicating your boundaries. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 6/4/2023 at 2:49 AM, Stret said:

Ultimatum does not have to be called that - you can think of it as communicating your boundaries. 

Ultimatum is very specific.   "If you do / don't do ____,  I will / won't do _____"  

Ultimatums are threats to make the other person make decisions based on your wants.  Boundaries mean communicating to the other person know what your needs are and allowing them to take those under consideration or not.