Lost. at an impasse…can we live with it?

[BMI03]

Hi all. Rough day. Unsure where to begin. Emotionally drained so not sure where to go with this. 
 

Without going into all the details of the disagreement, past and present, we have boiled it down to this one core characteristic of our being: I deal with my ex wife regarding things related to my daughter with a pragmatic approach. My ex is dismissive, condescending, and undermines me at times. I play by the rules, and I approach things with pragmatism and try to navigate it to the outcomes I am after. I don’t need to defend myself by pushing things in her face if I think that’s going to put her defenses up and make getting what I want difficult. 
 

My wife will not accept being put down or seeing me treated poorly. She is angered by it, and angered by me not pushing back equally as condescending, etc. eye for an eye. To her, the respect is more valuable than the outcomes. Seeing me this way is emasculating to her and makes me less attractive to her (her words).

 

this came to a head today whereby I told her that she gave me an ultimatum to push back stronger and we did that approach for a while, but now, when we actually have some family changes that require us to as my ex for changes she isn’t required to do, I don’t think that approach has been working, and I want to see how we can leverage a current situation to get a different result. 
 

My wife took this as my blaming her. Now she wants nothing to do with our interactions with my ex, but also said she doesn’t want anything from it to impact her. This is impossible in my eyes because decisions made about my daughter obviously impact her too. 
 

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Just venting and alone. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BMI03 said:

Now she wants nothing to do with our interactions with my ex

Your wife shouldn’t really be involved with interactions or negotiations with your ex at all. It’s not her child, she has no relationship with your ex - she should not be involved in any discussion or negotiation with your child’s other parent. 

She need to exercise better boundaries here. But perhaps she is involved because you have difficulty enforcing boundaries with your ex - this is not your first post, I think both women have been exceptionally difficult to deal with and it seems to me that you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. 

The bottom line, she should not be involved and you need to deal with your ex and your children. 

1 hour ago, BMI03 said:

but also said she doesn’t want anything from it to impact her.

Well then, she shouldn’t have married a man with a child and an ex-wife/the child’s mother.

It’s hard to be a step parent - I speak from experience because I am a step parent to a child who has a very unreasonable parent at times. I try to stay out of it as much as possible, if for no other reason than I don’t want to put more pressure on my partner and his child. That’s said, it’s hard to deal with the fact that this person I do not know impacts my life in many ways. But, it is what I/your wife signed up for. It works for us only because my partner/the child’s father has good boundaries with his ex and he does his best to manage all of our needs. That said, there are lots of time that I have to sacrifice and compromise what I want - so will your wife. If she is not prepared to do that, maybe this whole situation isn’t going to work for her. 

Edited May 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I feel this concerns you and your Ex only.  Work it out or you will end up with a second Ex.  Seriously.

[Weezy1973]

56 minutes ago, BMI03 said:

Seeing me this way is emasculating to her and makes me less attractive to her (her words).

Unfortunately it sounds like you’ve got terrible taste in women. Your ex sounds like a piece of work and your wife sounds like a horrible human being as well. If you don’t have kids with your current wife I’d just cut the cord. If you doing what needs to be done in the best interest of your kids is a turn off to her, she needs to pack her bags and get out.

[BaileyB]

deleted. Double post

Edited May 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Do you have examples/situations where your wife is dismissive and condescending? 

Have there been instances where your ex has been irresponsible and/or intrusive?

I don’t know your situation very well so neutral here. If there are instances where your ex has imposed on your current new life with your wife now I can see why your wife may think you’re a pushover and it’s affecting your life together. 

Has this ever been the case? 

I agree with the previous comment from Bailey that any decisions about your child are between your ex and you only. If it concerns scheduling be considerate and your pragmatic self. There is no need for force or intimidation. I do wonder why your wife feels threatened.

[BaileyB]

Based on previous posts, there are some significant differences here in terms of how to deal with conflict. And, the wife has serious issues with boundaries, respecting other people’s decisions, and managing her emotions. Conflict resolution skills are very poor. Just my humble option, this problem with your ex OP seems to be the most recent topic of disagreement. Please share more if you disagree. 

[BaileyB]

Sorry, I should have said - the themes are the same… She has an opinion/is inserting herself somewhere she does not have any decision making control, then she gets angry and threatens to walk away when things don’t go the way that she thinks they should go…

Yes, it’s hard to be a step parent but there seems to be more going on with her and in your relationship…

[BMI03]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Your wife shouldn’t really be involved with interactions or negotiations with your ex at all. It’s not her child, she has no relationship with your ex - she should not be involved in any discussion or negotiation with your child’s other parent. 

She need to exercise better boundaries here. But perhaps she is involved because you have difficulty enforcing boundaries with your ex - this is not your first post, I think both women have been exceptionally difficult to deal with and it seems to me that you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. 

The bottom line, she should not be involved and you need to deal with your ex and your children. 

Well then, she shouldn’t have married a man with a child and an ex-wife/the child’s mother.

It’s hard to be a step parent - I speak from experience because I am a step parent to a child who has a very unreasonable parent at times. I try to stay out of it as much as possible, if for no other reason than I don’t want to put more pressure on my partner and his child. That’s said, it’s hard to deal with the fact that this person I do not know impacts my life in many ways. But, it is what I/your wife signed up for. It works for us only because my partner/the child’s father has good boundaries with his ex and he does his best to manage all of our needs. That said, there are lots of time that I have to sacrifice and compromise what I want - so will your wife. If she is not prepared to do that, maybe this whole situation isn’t going to work for her. 

Thanks for your input. 
 

I respect your thoughts, being a step parent yourself. I can only imagine the difficulties in it. I am not sure I can go with the idea that my wife shouldn’t be involved at all in things related to my daughter. The thing is, outcomes of decisions I make with my ex, do impact her and how we raise our son since he is with his sister seeing the outcome of those decisions first hand as well. So I do feel there needs to be a level of teaming needed. I do want and appreciate her input and insight. It offers more good than bad, but it’s the need to get the last ‘gotcha’ in that frustrates me. I feel it’s counter productive and she feels it’s necessary to not let me ex get her way.

In this case it’s about sports. My ex wanted to sign my daughter up for a sport (we split costs). I agreed. She then asked to put her in a series of completions valued more than the seasons worth of lessons. When I said we need to learn more about the long term plan here and eventual costs of going down this path she told me she is going to pay for it herself and will do it on her time. 
 

I would like to be involved, and feel if I am civil with my ex around the surprise ask, she will be more likely to agree to an ask I’m going to make in the coming months. 
 

My wife feels I need to tell my ex no, that she is not allowed to make those decisions without me. I think that will all but kill any chance of getting the favor I want later but that does not matter to my wife. For her the priority is laying the law. 
 

Anyway, thank you again. 
 

 

[BMI03]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Based on previous posts, there are some significant differences here in terms of how to deal with conflict. And, the wife has serious issues with boundaries, respecting other people’s decisions, and managing her emotions. Conflict resolution skills are very poor. Just my humble option, this problem with your ex OP seems to be the most recent topic of disagreement. Please share more if you disagree. 

Truth in every word you said. No disagreement here. 

[BMI03]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, I should have said - the themes are the same… She has an opinion/is inserting herself somewhere she does not have any decision making control, then she gets angry and threatens to walk away when things don’t go the way that she thinks they should go…

Yes, it’s hard to be a step parent but there seems to be more going on with her and in your relationship…

Ya. I think it’s beyond my relationship with her really. More than she ever admits to herself. 
 

Single child of a single mom who died when she was in her formative years. Stressful life as a physician.  
 

Over the last couple of weeks she both had a nice but stressful promotion, and a father who she had a complicated relationship with since upbringing, pass away. I think she struggles to deal with stress, added to depression and anxiety. She’s had several friends of hers call her over the last 24 hours to see how she’s doing because she’s snapped at friends. She sees it and knows she is harsh, but it doesn’t make her think she’s any less right, specifically in this case of being hard and uncompromising vs pragmatic. 
 

She’s been physically abused by a boyfriend before and to her watching me accept some s**t from my ex in order to get what I want is like asking me to watch her ex hit her and expecting me to be ok with it. I don’t agree with the analogy, but in her words that’s the way she sees it. 

[Will am I]

On 5/27/2023 at 2:58 PM, BMI03 said:

My wife will not accept being put down or seeing me treated poorly. She is angered by it, and angered by me not pushing back equally as condescending, etc. eye for an eye. To her, the respect is more valuable than the outcomes. Seeing me this way is emasculating to her and makes me less attractive to her (her words).

So she wants you to be that strong hero and meanwhile you prefer to be meek and keep your eye on the results rather than on how you are treated and care less about your ego. And it's eating at your wife's respect for you.

Here's the thing: your dealings with your ex-wife are not the territory of your current wife. She has no relationship with your ex. This is crossing the healthy boundaries. I think you should take this conversation subject away from your marriage and blow off steam with a friend instead. Because the dynamic is just all wrong. Your wife sees you get hurt, wants to protect you, wants to get involved but feels powerless and takes her frustration out on you. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/27/2023 at 8:58 AM, BMI03 said:

 . Now she wants nothing to do with our interactions with my ex, but also said she doesn’t want anything from it to impact her. 

This seems like the best course of action. Try to negotiate your coparenting and related decisions one-on-one with your ex-wife. Try not to complain about your ex-wife or custody issues this much.

Try not to involve your current wife in all the complications of your coparenting battles and rancor with your ex-wife. It brings unnecessary stress into the house.

Make your decisions about your child with your child's mother. Leave your wife out of it. You're making it impact your wife too much, but it doesn't have to. 

Your wife has her own issues and problems and your mutual child to concern herself with. Let her deal with that and you deal with your child and her mother. 

Edited May 30, 2023 by Wiseman2