Here is my story of a years long affair- still not over yet

[LittleDemon]

This is long so please bear with me! I have been involved in an affair for the past 7.5 years. We became friends first through work, but it became sexual about 6 months later. I told myself if I started to feel too deeply, I would get out. Of course that didn’t happen and we both developed strong feelings for each other. They got married and had kids really young, never been with anyone else since they were teenagers. Everyone has known his marriage has had problems for years but never knew any specifics. We had our ups and downs due to the nature of an affair. There were times when we didn’t see or speak to each other as much. I dated other people over the years, but there was still always some contact and a solid friendship underneath. He is one of the people that I go to for support, advice etc, and he does the same with me, regardless if we are “together” or not.

He was diagnosed with a serious lifelong illness last year and his wife is not supportive or validating of his feelings, nor is her family. Soon after his first treatment for illness, she kicks him out. He goes back a few weeks later. One week later he calls me distressed. He needs a place to go. I let him come over and he is in serious distress. They had gotten into a fight because he was home with the kids and had a few drinks. His wife came home from work and he ended up leaving the house and came to me. Next morning police show up to take him to the hospital because he had made suicidal statements. He contacts me 10 days later to say he is going to a month long treatment center for alcohol abuse and depression. 
 

A month later he comes back, wife is still angry. Blaming him for ruining the family, can’t get over that he went to stay with another woman, etc. She had been posting many photos online of her and the kids out having fun and cryptic captions and hashtags (#happinessisachoice, #mentaltoughness, #tiredofexcuses). Both families are taking sides. 

He has been going to AA meetings, support groups and therapy. He said he is addressing issues in himself he has been in denial about for a long time. A few months of staying with his mom, he moves back home. But he still says he needs my friendship and support. That he loves and has feelings for me but cannot give me what I need because he has to work on himself and his life. He is trying to be the best husband, yet wants to stay in contact with me. I’m really struggling with how to be a friend to him when I have feelings, but also I think that he needs to get out of this marriage for his own sake. 

Edited May 28, 2023 by LittleDemon

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, LittleDemon said:

I think that he needs to get out of this marriage for his own sake. 

He’s chosen time and again to stay. That’s his decision, you need to respect that. 

24 minutes ago, LittleDemon said:

He is trying to be the best husband, yet wants to stay in contact with me. I’m really struggling with how to be a friend to him when I have feelings

Let’s be honest here, he is not really committed to his marriage or as you say, being the best husband if he is still in contact with his affair partner. And, you are not able to be “friends” with a man that you have romantic feelings for and with whom you have crossed the line and had an intimate affair for seven years. It’s unfair to you - when you clearly want more. And it’s unfair to his wife and children. Put yourself in her place (without the judgment that you have towards his wife), how would you feel if you were trying to make a marriage work and your husband wanted to maintain a friendship with his affair partner? Would you trust your husband and agree to that? Or would you have a problem with that? 

Honestly, this is a mess. I mean, if what you describe is true, he is married, he has addiction and mental health issues, and he has been diagnosed with a serious health concern. This man has a world of troubles... Why would you chose to involve yourself in this? Do you not want to find a healthy relationship for yourself? Do you want to have your own family? You have spent seven years of your life in a very unhealthy relationship… if you chose to stay, in much the same way that he chooses to stay in his unhealthy marriage, that is your choice. But, perhaps this is a good time to get some counselling and take a good hard look at what you want for your life - 

good luck. 

Edited May 28, 2023 by BaileyB

[LittleDemon]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Honestly, this is a mess. I mean, if what you describe is true he stays in an unhealthy marriage, he has addiction and mental health issues, and he has no been diagnosed with a serious issues. I understand that you seem to believe that many of his struggles are due to the lack of support he has received from his spouse but this man has a world of troubles… why would you chose to involve yourself in this? Do you not want to find a healthy relationship for yourself? Do you want to have your own family? You have spent seven years of your life in a very unhealthy relationship… if you chose to stay, in much the same way that he chooses to stay in his unhealthy marriage, that is your choice. But, perhaps this is a good time to get some counselling and take a good hard look at what you want for your life - 

good luck. 

Thank you for your reply. Yes it is all true, of course I don’t have the whole story and all the details, but that is what I do know. My main problem is I want to support him but it’s hard to do that. I know that I need to remove myself, at least for a little while. I just feel bad leaving anyone who is dealing with issues like that. We have not seen each other but I am part of his support system. I am in counseling. We have discussed this. I know what I need to do, just struggling with the feelings that come along with it. And yes, I do plan to have a family. I will do that with or without him. 

Edited May 28, 2023 by LittleDemon

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, LittleDemon said:

My main problem is I want to support him but it’s hard to do that.

Of course it’s hard to do that, the man that you love has chosen to return to his wife and family. It’s unfair for him to ask or expect you to support him when you both know that you want more. 

The truth is, you have been propping this man and his marriage up for seven years. You must be exhausted and emotionally spent. If I may say, I think you have been doing it for so long that you’ve lost a little perspective here. 

3 minutes ago, LittleDemon said:

I just feel bad leaving anyone who is dealing with issues like that.

They are his issues to deal with. It’s his life, his marriage. His issues. You are not responsible for his mental health.

Again, I think that you have been doing this for so long, you have lost perspective here. You are trying to reestablish a healthy boundary - you know that you need to have a healthy boundary - but, it’s hard to do that after so long.

All the more reason why I say, you can’t be friends with this man. It’s just not going to work. It’s not fair to you or to his wife. It’s actually not fair to him - he needs to learn to stand on his own. He needs to either reinvest in his marriage or end it. But, he needs to do it. 
 

6 minutes ago, LittleDemon said:

I do plan to have a family. I will do that with or without him. 

Glad that you are doing some counselling. 

Seven years is a long time to spend in a dead end relationship with a married man. Trust me when I say, you don’t have any more time to waste here. He has chosen his marriage. Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly - it’s where he has chosen to be and you need to accept that. 

Ending the relationship will be painful, there is no escaping the pain. You can either rip the bandaid off or you can continue as you have been and the pain will endure… The pain of ending this relationship will be nothing compare to the pain of regret you will feel when you look back at your life and realized that you have missed your opportunity to find a man who will truly love and commit to you - a man who can give you the family that you seek. This man can not do that because he is already involved in a very complicated and perhaps toxic family of his own. Don’t take that on yourself. I don’t know you, but you still have the opportunity it’s to build a life for yourself that will bring you great happiness and joy - don’t settle for this…

I sincerely hope that you consider some of what I’ve said. Keep working with your counsellor. The future is yours if you have the courage to go and find it. 

[Luna66star]

I applaud your willingness to help and support him.  Mental health issues will always put a heavy strain on any marriage. He's looking for support wherever he can get it.  The fact remains is that you won't fix him.  This won't get any better after 7 yrs.  You feel an obligation to support him and I'm sure you wouldn't turn him down if he showed up on your door step again. Who would turn away a hurting person you've known that long?  Even trying may be impossible.  There's a strong bond there.

Only he can do the work to become functional.  You will continue to be tucked away in a box to the side until needed.  Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Please limit contact with this man and focus on building a healthy life for yourself.  Let him be to work out his marriage.  Stay far away from MM.  In 99% of these cases, we see the OW on these types of blogs for years and years still pining for what they can't have.

Please try to move on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

 he is going to a month long treatment center for alcohol abuse and depression. 

He has been going to AA meetings, support groups and therapy. A few months of staying with his mom, he moves back home. 

If you want the best for him, please step out of the picture. He has friends, family, a home he chooses to go home to, his mother's place, doctors, therapists and support groups.

Please don't try to hang on. Please stop scanning his wife's social media or trying to compete with her. 

This is your golden opportunity to free yourself from this and live a happy life free from this man's toxic world.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This will help you feel better and help you unpack and sort out what is and has been going on. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing.

[LittleDemon]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want the best for him, please step out of the picture. He has friends, family, a home he chooses to go home to, his mother's place, doctors, therapists and support groups.

Please don't try to hang on. Please stop scanning his wife's social media or trying to compete with her. 

This is your golden opportunity to free yourself from this and live a happy life free from this man's toxic world.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to tell him I think we should stop communicating until he can figure things out on his end. I blocked his wife because I don’t want to look. Other people actually mentioned the posts and were wondering what was going on so I looked. 
 

I do see a therapist. I am a cancer survivor and I always want to make sure I take care of myself. 

[LittleDemon]

1 hour ago, Luna66star said:

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Only he can do the work to become functional.  You will continue to be tucked away in a box to the side until needed.  Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your kindness. I am going to tell him that we should take some space until he figures things out on his end and so I can focus on myself as well. I really do believe that he can get better and has the ability to rise above all of his current problems.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

I am going to tell him I think we should stop communicating until he can figure things out on his end.

Ok, so this is code for what - when he finally leaves his wife? When they file for divorce? Or when either of you are ready to resume your affair?

No offence, but there is no conviction in that statement. If you are really serious you will tell him that it is done. He is married. And you have decided to find a man and a relationship that will bring you happiness and joy.

It seems to me that you are leaving the door open with the hope that he will come looking for you again. You are not done putting in time. But, what a waste of your time and energy - he has chosen his marriage and his family.  End of story.

You will not eventually “win” him if you continue to hold on. There is no prize for the woman who waits the longest and sacrifices the most. In fact, you will lose another five or ten years of your life. So go and live your life!! The regret you will feel in five, ten, twenty years will be more than you can ever imagine. You get only one life - go and live it!!

Edited May 28, 2023 by BaileyB

[basil67]

The space you give him needs to be permanent, otherwise you'll end up hanging on to him and miss out on opportunities to have a full life independent of him

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

I do see a therapist. I am a cancer survivor and I always want to make sure I take care of myself. 

Sorry to hear that. Please speak with your therapist about all this and focusing more on your own wellbeing and health. This alcoholic cheater is toxic and damaging, but the real issue is your inability to see that, let go and free yourself from these chains.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

He is trying to be the best husband

Nope. If that were true, he would have cut off all contact with his affair partner. 

19 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

wife is still angry. Blaming him for ruining the family, can’t get over that he went to stay with another woman

Can you blame her? 

19 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

also I think that he needs to get out of this marriage for his own sake

It's pretty clear that he doesn't want out of his marriage. And you donìt get a vote, so there's no sense thinking about what you feel is best for him. 

19 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

I do plan to have a family. I will do that with or without him.

You need to start accepting that it isn't going to be with him. And that's a good thing. This guy would make a terrible partner and he's not a good father. Look what he's done to the family he already has. 

You are deep, deep in the fog here. It's past time to cut all ties with him, or you're going to find yourself in another 7.5 years no closer to the life you want. 

15 hours ago, LittleDemon said:

I am a cancer survivor and I always want to make sure I take care of myself. 

You got an amazing second shot at life. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't love you. 

[BaileyB]

As a cancer survivor, you should appreciate more than most OP that life is short and time is of the essence. There is only now and yet, you have spent seven years waiting for this guy to get his act together and chose you. How much longer are you prepared to wait for him? At what point do you decide to get on with living your own life? 

[frenchfry]

LittleDemon, it is very kind of you to want to be supportive of him while he goes through all of this, but it seems that his unwillingness to meet your needs is impacting you. Turn that kindness towards yourself. Imagine what advice you would give a loved one if they were in your shoes. It sounds like you are concerned about abandoning him when he is in need, which is valid. But even if you are right about what is best for him, you can't control how he allows others to treat him, how he treats others, or how he treats you. You can only share your perspective with him and control your own actions.

Addiction in people is characterized by an illogical tendency to be drawn towards a substance or situation that is toxic, despite the social, emotional, and biological consequences. Obviously, I don't know him, but based on your story, this guy you've been seeing seems to be addicted to both a toxic substance and a toxic relationship. Moreover, he struggles to stop harming himself (through drinking and making suicidal threats) and causing damage to his interpersonal relationships. Affairs have an addictive nature to them, as well (trust me, I know, I'm in a pickle myself). That's not to say he's inherently a bad guy - he just has a lot of work to do, and nobody else can do that work for him. People in the early stages of recovery tend to be very needy, vulnerable, ambivalent, and moody. They might recruit as much support as they can get, even if it tests boundaries, causes tension, or is painful for the people supporting them. As strange as it may seem, it would probably be good for both of you to establish a boundary that involves no-contact.

It's clear that your feelings for him are strong and have been reinforced by intermittent closeness for years, and so the prospect of never talking to him again is probably overwhelming. There's a very good reason why members of AA say "one day at a time." Forever is too long to imagine living without someone or something, but taking things day-by-day is much easier to handle.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. The choice is yours to make, but don't forget to look out for yourself most of all.

[LittleDemon]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I know you are all right, it’s always been a struggle for me to take care of myself sometimes when I let other peoples problems overwhelm me. I do this with work also and overexert myself. I would have trouble letting go if it were just a friend going through this. It’s even harder because I do have romantic feelings. 
 

Despite my strong feelings, I have no intention of waiting around for him. With modern science I will be able to start a family without a partner, which is something that I am actively planning. Marriage has never been as important to me as children. Especially because of my previous cancer treatment, this is something that I have been wanting to do for myself for awhile.  

Edited May 29, 2023 by LittleDemon

[Will am I]

I think your affair went on so long that you developed an actual love for him. Probably he did, too.

As romantic as that may seem, this is a huge source of guilt and stress. Your affair partner is in a position where he wants to be with his wife but also with you, that’s a source of conflicting feelings and stress. He sees his marriage slowly falling apart because his heart isn’t in there. A source of guilt, sadness and more stress.

These emotions can build up to a “suicide cocktail” (based on a dozen victim stories, there is typically a mix of depression, anxiety, fear and ultimately confusion because of long emotional overload).

I am not saying the affair is the cause of your AP’s suicidal thoughts. But I do believe it may be a contributing factor.

The most loving thing you can do is to end the affair.

[JTSW]

Unfortunately, he continually choses to stay with his wife and kids.

That means you will never be his priority.

Just his fall-back.

The best and decent thing you can do is step back from him and stop contact.

[BaileyB]

If you are planning to have a child, that’s all the more reason for you to distance yourself from this very unhealthy relationship/affair. 

[glows]

Best to shut the door on this permanently. I understand you care about him but he’s not available. 

When ending the contact and saying goodbye keep it brief and light. No long and tearful goodbyes and drawing out the issue. Just state that you are moving on and wish him the best, and do not want any contact going forward. That’s all that’s needed.

I’d be very cautious about starting a pregnancy and a new chapter with this in the background or giving him an option to contact you whenever he likes when he has his life back in order. He deserves to move on as well and both of you move onto the next chapter having nothing to do with the added weight of an affair and the past.

[mark clemson]

It seems like at some level you must be drawn to the dysfunction and "drama" as clearly this man has some serious issues. You say you're trying to pull back now, but what has kept you "in" for so long?

Some folks have trouble resisting (what is to them) the draw of a "situation" and are unconsciously more comfortable with dysfunction.  I'd suggest you take a look at what's known as the Drama Triangle and see if those dynamics seem to apply to your own relationships. Not just this one, but probably many of them. Not sure it will, but I have a feeling you'll recognize some of your own patterns there.

 

On 5/28/2023 at 7:40 AM, LittleDemon said:

I do plan to have a family. I will do that with or without him. 

It sounds like it would be wiser to do that without him, as it seems like he has a lot of problems. Have you perhaps fallen for the wrong person? (This happens all the time, actually.) Sometimes "following your heart" just leads you into a field full of landmines...

Edited May 30, 2023 by mark clemson

[JTSW]

On 5/28/2023 at 3:40 PM, LittleDemon said:

I do plan to have a family. I will do that with or without him. 

I think it would be highly unlikely that he will want children with you.

He already has children and it doesn't look like he will ever leave his wife.

[BaileyB]

Even if he was to leave and you did get together and have children, the complications of blending your family with his children from another woman are not to be dismissed. His ex-wife will be difficult, she has that right considering that your relationship was born of an extra-marital affair. It will take some time for his children to be introduced and accept you - if they ever do. And then, there is the dynamic that some children are from the first marriage and others are from the second (and live full-time with their parents)… very difficult. 

Then there is the fact that he is depressed and has problems with addiction. How is he going to cope with the stress of divorce, an angry ex-wife, and blending two families…

Perhaps he will turn to another coworker or friend for support. You will just never know, and always wonder…

Not something I would chose to get involved in myself. There are so many good men in this world - IMHO you should go and find one. Leave this man to his wife and his family.