Friends First / Dating / Now Fell Out of Love

[Miniz]

I’m having a very difficult time.

Back story is, we (myself 34, she’s 36 now)met at a former job 8 years ago and become great friends for about a year before moving into an apartment together. I have had a fear of committing my whole life due to diagnosed OCD which cause quite a rocky relationship of on again and off again dating. We’ve moved apart from each other, see each other date other people through the years but she’s always followed me wherever I go and we’ve remained great friends through it all.

More recently, we moved into a house together in early 2022 where she moved out in September. This was over a massive insecurity of hers where she thinks any interaction with another woman must mean I was intimately with the. Which caused a lot of arguments, thus resulting in me telling her to move out. Things were unofficial in terms of dating from this point on.

She moved however slept over on a regular basis through about January 23 in which things got weird. I had this rush of anxiety, a gut feeling something was off. I knew she’d been in therapy for months but she didn’t share much regarding that so I thought maybe it was that. When I asked, everything was fine. She all the sudden started “loving” her job of a year for the first time, distancing herself by staying at her own place without explanation and taking about work way more often.

She then randomly said she was going to do a interview 3 states over, something I would’ve thought would’ve been discussed. I was hurt and went into major anxiety mode for months. Intimacy wend dark, I went NC for about 2 weeks and broke it on her birthday. She would party 3-4 times per week with coworkers, brag about vaping 20 times a night, talked as if she was 20yo, omitted me from what we’re regular conversations between each other, and when confronted would avoid or leave. All this is unlike her.

In March she had gone very cold towards me, no explanation other than she was “happy” and she was hoping I would be too. We now would text and call quite often everyday but the vibe had changed. I had to confront her, she denied any change other than she was happy and loves her job. I told her how I felt, my marriage/house/family intentions I had for us. Then I had to ask, are you seeing someone else to which she replied she was only “talking” to someone.

I went into a depression, left town to visit family for 5 weeks with my dog and hers(she was only open to the idea of me talking the dog for the open ended trip. I got to my destination, we remained in a lot of contact and she started to send me houses she’d liked for us to move to just 3 days into the trip. I was thrown WAY off. This continued and I told her she’d need to end things with any other guy and I would consider it. She claimed to have ended it just 30min after that convo, and boom we were very close again. I love you so much’s, can’t wait to start this life together, and she came to visit me while there. I paid for the plane ticket. When she came it was immediately awkward on her part, just as it was before I had left. She talked of intimacy before her flight over which didn’t happen. She flew home and immediately became the person she was just before the flight, in love with me again and sent more houses, texted 20-100 times per day.

Approx 1-2 weeks before I left to come home she began not returning the I love you texts but kept in great contact even to the point of performing some video intimacy. From the day I told her I was driving back we were back at square one before I left. I returned, she told me she’d fell out of love for me but still loved me and wanted to remain friends. I asked again what happened and she said she tried to call back into love and was seeing the same person again.

She’s not began to have little contact(maybe a 3min call a day), doesn’t tell me about her day, texts constantly when I do see her, seems to want to bring the dog over to visit daily but doesn’t want to stay and is hanging out with people she’s just met over me although she wants to spend time together on random occasions and seems very nosy. She’s asked twice in the 2 weeks since my return if I had a girlfriend to which I do not. Not even close. It’s awkward knowing the texts and calls I once got very recently are going elsewhere. She seems to be using the dog as leverage to check in on me. 

Im lost at how recent she wanted to move cross country and begin a life together to now be “friends” of which she’s not treating much like even thought. 
 

I could use any advice or kind words.

Edited May 28, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs

[glows]

It doesn’t sound like she feels secure around you or your female friends if any. There’s an off/on quality here about the relationship and she’s moved on. 

I don’t doubt she does care for you but she likely doesn’t see a future with you and I’m sorry about that. She IS seeing someone else so I’d move on. No contact here and I wouldn’t bring anyone new or date another woman looking for a relationship if you still have feelings for this woman and want to keep in touch. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Miniz said:

 .She seems to be using the dog as leverage to check in on me. I m lost at how recent she wanted to move cross country and begin a life together to now be “friends” 

Is this a distance situation? Please return her dog. Be kind to yourself and step off this merry-go-round. Don't try to be friends or anything in-between.

Free yourself from this so you can find stable women who want what you want.

[Miniz]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a distance situation? Please return her dog. Be kind to yourself and step off this merry-go-round. Don't try to be friends or anything in-between.

Free yourself from this so you can find stable women who want what you want.

We both live in the same city. She lets her dog stay with me pretty much everyday of the week. The dogs are her only topic of discussion anymore.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry, but this relationship ran out of chances a long, long time ago.   On / off for over 8 years?   Ultimately it was going to be "off" for the final time and I think it's come to that point at last.

You might consider seeking some therapy of your own.   Your fear of commitment certainly got in your way with this woman and it appears that it's still an issue for you.  You will feel much better if you can make conscious decisions about whether or not you choose to move forward in a committed relationship with anyone in your future, rather than being ruled by your fears.

Take care.

[ShyViolet]

This was an exhausting read... your relationship is completely chaotic and dysfunctional.  She is all over the place.  She doesn't sound emotionally stable enough for a relationship with her bouncing between extremes so rapidly.  The fact that you've allowed and engaged in all this casts doubt about your emotional stability as well.  Since the relationship with her is officially ended, no you can't be "friends."  You need to stop engaging in all this drama with her.  Kidding yourself into thinking you can remain "friends" only drags it out and allows this dysfunction to keep happening over and over.

[Miniz]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You might consider seeking some therapy of your own.   Your fear of commitment certainly got in your way with this woman and it appears that it's still an issue for you.

I agree. Currently in therapy now (last 2-3 months)for Relationship OCD and other subtypes as well. It went undiagnosed for years and crated major issues in my life, obviously. It’s been challenging/relieving/eye opening so far. If it wasn’t for this end of relationship turmoil, I wouldn’t have been diagnosed. It’s truly been a blessing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Miniz said:

She lets her dog stay with me pretty much everyday of the week.

Stop doing  this. There is no reason her dog should be at your house at all. 

Look, this relationship has never been healthy and was doomed to fail. All this fantasizing about the future is just that - a fantasy. It's not reality. You two don't have the legs to go the distance anymore, and you need to let go for good. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Stop doing  this. There is no reason her dog should be at your house at all. 

100%, this also.

You two have a very co-dependent, unhealthy relationship and it sounds like the dog is being used as an excuse to keep in contact.  That needs to stop.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Way too much drama and chaos.

There is no fix, if you're asking that. Sounds like the relationship is over--though it sounds like it was quite fragile and confusing from the git-go.  

Edited May 29, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Miniz]

Started the no contact just a day ago. Told her it’s not working for me anymore, I’m done. Returned the dog. Ready to move forward the best I can.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Miniz said:

Started the no contact just a day ago. Told her it’s not working for me anymore, I’m done. Returned the dog. Ready to move forward the best I can.

Excellent. You'll feel a lot better soon, like a weight has been lifted.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Miniz said:

Started the no contact just a day ago. Told her it’s not working for me anymore, I’m done. Returned the dog. Ready to move forward the best I can.

Good for you. 

There's no future with this person, so it's best you do everything you can now finalize everything and let go completely.