My ex came back?

[Happyguy29]

Hey all as u can all see I’m new to love shack but was refered by a close friend as it helped her get through her break up.

 

so here’s my story and appreciate all the help in advance.

im a 40 year old guy and my ex split up w me about 14 months ago. We stayed in contact for about 6 months after the breakup bc we had a lot of finances ti figure out and sell our home.

my ex let’s call her L she’s 35 

we had a 3.5 year relationship where we lived together she was a big part of both my kids lives. The kids still ask about her. 
we broke up bc I turned into a complete loser. It started w an opioid prescription and I took it overboard for more than a year and she had enough of the lies and drugs and left me. 
since we broke up I cleaned myself up and have been sober for 11 months now. I’m working full time again making great money, I’ve done a lot of therapy and counseling over the last year and have really changed myself for the better. I started working out taking care of myself and overall feel like a much better person.

so I reached out to her a couple weeks ago, we eneddd up spending 7H on the phone together catching up laughing, talking about everything I’ve done to better myself and how I’ve changed. She did a lot of self work as well. She looks great and feels confident again, as do I. So we talked in the phone everyday for about a week or so and then I asked her out, and she was up to it

we took the dog for a hike talked and laughed went out for dinner and drinks afterwards where we both had a great time then went our own ways.

the next mornjng we started texting and I asked her if she wanted to go kayaking. I know she loves to do Iy and thought it would be a great day to be together on the lake in the sun. It was we laughed and had a great time, went out for dinner again and jumped in her car so she could drive me back to my car. On the car ride we were holding hands then. I had my hand on her thigh she always loved that in the car w me so she let me. Anyways we got back to my car I went to give her a hug bye and decided I’m going to try and kiss her. 
so I did and she kissed me back and smiled and we went our own ways.

im not quite sure what to do next. I always hoped one day when I got my stuff together we would have another shot and well it’s right in front of me and I don’t want to blow it. 
what are my next steps?

I was going to ask her to go for a walk by the lake tomorrow evening after work and grab some ice cream. to try and have a chance to see what she wants from this? 
 

any ideas or opinions would help

if you need more info please ask I’m willing to share anything ti make sure I get the right advice as I do want her back 

[MsJayne]

Yep, go for the walk tomorrow, and yes, be straight up front and ask her if she could see a future together.  She's either going to say yes, or no. If it's yes you can start working towards reuniting your lives, if she says no you've got in early and can stop hoping and mitigate the pain.  If you're man enough to admit you caused the problems and get your act together you deserve a second chance, and I'm 99.9% sure she's going to say yes  . 

[Happyguy29]

Thanks for the reply msjayne 

yes I was definitely man enough to admit to her my wrong doings, and told her everything, we had a good long talk about it. I’m sure she’s having some trouble wondering if she can trust me, I mean all is good and great communication is still open even tho i cut it down a lot yesterday and today bc I don’t want her to think I’m needy.

 

do u think it’s too soon to say anything tho?

she was never great on expressing how she feels and it may make her shutdown it it may open her up I’m not sure 

 

I just don’t want to come off as needy, or give her the idea that I will do anything to get her back (I mean I will but I don’t want her to know that) 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Happyguy29 said:

 I cleaned myself up and have been sober for 11 months now. I’m working full time again making great money, I’ve done a lot of therapy and counseling over the last year and have really changed myself for the better

This is great. Continue to stay the course. As far as reconnecting with your ex GF, take it slowly and carefully. She seems open to the idea, but unfortunately there's a lot of water under the bridge. So focus on yourself and your sobriety and take your time. 

[Happyguy29]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is great. Continue to stay the course. As far as reconnecting with your ex GF, take it slowly and carefully. She seems open to the idea, but unfortunately there's a lot of water under the bridge. So focus on yourself and your sobriety and take your time. 

I’m in no rush to make this work I would rather take it slowly this time and make sure we both want this and nobody ends up w a broken heart again. We both really loved each other. And I believe we still do, we just need to find a way to both open ourselves back up to each other.

how do I take my next approach with this?

do I open up to her and tell her exactly what I want, and see how she responds and reacts ? Or do y think she already knows how I feel and want and should not say anything and let nature take its courSe?

[MsJayne]

23 hours ago, Happyguy29 said:

do u think it’s too soon to say anything tho?

No, not at all. The sooner you discuss things, the sooner you can move forward.  And yes, tell her exactly what you want and don't worry about sounding needy. There's no room in healthy relationships for mind games. People often keep their intense feelings to themselves because they're afraid of rejection, but that holding back is often what undermines relationships. Just tell her how much you love her and then be patient while she moves through the phases of forgiveness, and if you're meant to be together, you will be. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You do nothing. As in nothing special. I would say slow down the time you're spending together. You can't make up for lost time by seeing each other every day. Slow down. If you guys have chemistry and potential again, you can relax and that will unfold. Rushing NEVER helps anything. 

Also, are you any kind of addiction group or 12-step group? If you were in a 12-step group, this would be a great time to sit down with your sponsor and stay close to the sponsor as you go through whatever happens next. Believe it or not, reconciling with someone (even in a wonderful way you have dreamed of) can be stressful to a recovering addict. It's wonderful and it's new and your anxiety is already flaring up a little in the fear that you don't want to blow this.  You are really raw and vulnerable right now.

Just slow down. And build your voice. You can say to her "I'm not sure" ... and "I'm a little scared" ... "I'm worried." You can tell her all the good things you like and express EXACTLY where you are in your feelings. No need to hide mixed feelings and fears. 

This is also a good time to identify reflect a little bit on what you want and need from her that you didn't get before. Or what you need and want now as you look to staying sober. I know you messed up. But doesn't mean you were totally happy before you messed up. Relationships change and grow and people change and grow---what do you think you want with her now that you didn't know to ask for or think about earlier? 

And don't try to be perfect. Give yourself some room to be human (without a relapse of course). Don't work so hard to win her back. That can result in emotional self-neglect. You need to take care yourself. Recovering addicts are often people who neglected key emotional needs. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/30/2023 at 6:21 PM, Happyguy29 said:

I’m in no rush to make this work I would rather take it slowly this time and make sure we both want this and nobody ends up w a broken heart again. 

That's a good attitude. Right now you're open to each other and talking and seeing each other. Definitely slow down and stay in observation mode.

Even though you may be anxious to resume things, remember she knows you as an addict, so slow and steady and reliable is the best approach.

It's not so much whether you still love each other, it's more about trust and rebuilding trust through reliability,  accountability,  integrity. Therefore pace yourself and resist impulsive urges.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It all sounds amazing that you may be able to rekindle this relationship once more.  Yes, Ask her out again.  But no matter What, Go slow.  Take your time to nurture and nurse 😘back even better this Time,  A potential chance for romance.

[Happyguy29]

On 5/31/2023 at 6:03 PM, MsJayne said:

No, not at all. The sooner you discuss things, the sooner you can move forward.  And yes, tell her exactly what you want and don't worry about sounding needy. There's no room in healthy relationships for mind games. People often keep their intense feelings to themselves because they're afraid of rejection, but that holding back is often what undermines relationships. Just tell her how much you love her and then be patient while she moves through the phases of forgiveness, and if you're meant to be together, you will be. 

You’re right I am scared of rejection. And i

 not sure why. She’s showing me signs of wanting to try this again, but she’s also kinda distant. I mean that in a sense where throughout the day she’ll text me in the morning but then we don’t talk till later on at night for ano hour before bed. 

I mean I guess I’m just used to how it use to be and I have to realize this is something new

Should I tell her in person?

Phone call

i just don’t want her to think I put her in a corner while we’re out and just bring it up bc we’ve been having a lot of fun nothing sexual just some light kissing and hugs holding hands 

 

[MsJayne]

Yes, tell her in person, because you need to see her immediate reaction.  She will either light up or she won't. She probably texts you less during the afternoon because she's also trying to hold back and not become immediately joined at the hip. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be doing the light kissing thing. Just go for it, I can't stand the suspense. 

[Happyguy29]

9 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Yes, tell her in person, because you need to see her immediate reaction.  She will either light up or she won't. She probably texts you less during the afternoon because she's also trying to hold back and not become immediately joined at the hip. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be doing the light kissing thing. Just go for it, I can't stand the suspense. 

Lol I can’t stand the suspense either lol 

I just asked her to go out for dinner tonight so we’ll see what she says, I’ll keep posted thanks you so much for the help I appreciate everyone’s help soo much 

[Lotsgoingon]

Part of me says you don't have to think about what to say because if you go out with her again and you guys connect, the words should naturally come to you and to her.  I don't know that you have to plan the next move--other than to go out with her.

You express some worry of putting her into a corner. Brother, you gotta drop that line of thinking and get to therapy or somewhere quick to drop that thinking. Unless you are pointing gun at her, she's not stuck in a corner. If she doesn't want to be involved, she will say no--and that's no trauma any more than saying no to a long-winded salesman is trauma. in.

That you are worrying about this says to me that you got some more psychological work to do. You are not through your addiction recovery if you're afraid that telling someone of your interest is equivalent to a bank robbery. And by your logic, you don't have any ability to say no to anyone who approaches you with interest. So you have an obligation to say yes to someone you have no interest in? And they would be in the wrong to approach you--because they would be backing you into a corner? 

My friend, go slow with this woman but go fast to a therapist to get this codependence/lack of boundaries/powerlessness/people pleasing  taken care of. This current thinking will be ruin of you. You'll say yes when you mean no to avoid "offending" someone who isn't at all offended by a "no." .You'll say no when you want to say yes because you don't want to put the other person out.  You can't have a mature relationship with this thinking. I know that's direct, but I speak from experience.

If you think you are pushing her into a corner by expressing interest, then you are not ready to date yet. You will undermine yourself and actually block yourself from receiving love and support and tenderness at key moments.