Perspective

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Case in point:

 

true! I at least have her blocked for now. . . .

[Lotsgoingon]

You named it and so you can overcome it. You have a high tolerance for pain and suffering. I have shared that, though in the past 15 years since my divorce I've been working on lowering my tolerance. I could have only married my ex because I had a super high tolerance for pain—and an assumption that there was no other way to proceed.

It's interesting: there is a lot about growing up that says "Push your feelings aside. Do the right thing. Do the mature thing." And those thoughts are not wrong, except that some of us don't realize the only time you really want to endure pain is when the pain is absolutely unavoidable. But when we endure pain because we didn't see any other options (we may have simply assumed there were options) that leads to trouble.

What helped me was seeing the failure of my marriage despite all my stoic suffering. And then I had a therapist who pushed me. She said she tells lots of folks they need to be more considerate of other people. Well she said with me, she thought I needed to be more selfish. As in I needed to ask myself how I really felt. I had gotten out of the habit of even asking this question. And then once you figure out how you feel, you ask for what you want. Frankly, the first times I did this, my brain was lost.

But surprise surprise!--once I started to ask for what I wanted in relationships and at work, I was shocked. People often easily accommodated me. Easily. Which btw told me that I still wasn't asking for a lot. It's like if the first customer service rep can give you want (without checking with a supervisor) when you call to complain that means you haven't really asked for anything! But once people started to say "yes" to my requests, something else happened. Most of the time, the people said hey, that makes sense you want X. You didn't seem too comfortable doing Y (my previous thing). 

In other words, my gritting my teeth in silence with pain didn't fool anybody.

When dating, if you don't really go for what you want in a person, then you'll find yourself gravitating towards people that aren't a good fit. Because you’ll be in the habit of fitting around other people as opposed to bringing yourself and them bringing themselves and then you work out compromises and a system that works for both of you!

There's a lot of freedom on the other side of some good therapy work, my friend. A ton of freedom. Good luck.

 

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

true! I at least have her blocked for now. . . .

I was under the assumption that you already blocked her and she kept contacting you.

If so, changing a few settings is hardly a hassle when compared to her repeated messages after you've already blocked her. It's a small price to pay to protect your peace of mind by taking a proactive approach rather than waiting for her to contact you again.

Just something to consider. I found that changing my number was the easiest way to stop someone from contacting me. It's your call. It's a decision that you have to make for yourself. You have to decide if it's worth it to change your number or if you'd rather take the risk of your ex-girlfriend contacting you again. Ultimately, it's up to you.

Hang in there!

[NewHurtOne]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You named it and so you can overcome it. You have a high tolerance for pain and suffering. I have shared that, though in the past 15 years since my divorce I've been working on lowering my tolerance. I could have only married my ex because I had a super high tolerance for pain—and an assumption that there was no other way to proceed.

It's interesting: there is a lot about growing up that says "Push your feelings aside. Do the right thing. Do the mature thing." And those thoughts are not wrong, except that some of us don't realize the only time you really want to endure pain is when the pain is absolutely unavoidable. But when we endure pain because we didn't see any other options (we may have simply assumed there were options) that leads to trouble.

What helped me was seeing the failure of my marriage despite all my stoic suffering. And then I had a therapist who pushed me. She said she tells lots of folks they need to be more considerate of other people. Well she said with me, she thought I needed to be more selfish. As in I needed to ask myself how I really felt. I had gotten out of the habit of even asking this question. And then once you figure out how you feel, you ask for what you want. Frankly, the first times I did this, my brain was lost.

But surprise surprise!--once I started to ask for what I wanted in relationships and at work, I was shocked. People often easily accommodated me. Easily. Which btw told me that I still wasn't asking for a lot. It's like if the first customer service rep can give you want (without checking with a supervisor) when you call to complain that means you haven't really asked for anything! But once people started to say "yes" to my requests, something else happened. Most of the time, the people said hey, that makes sense you want X. You didn't seem too comfortable doing Y (my previous thing). 

In other words, my gritting my teeth in silence with pain didn't fool anybody.

When dating, if you don't really go for what you want in a person, then you'll find yourself gravitating towards people that aren't a good fit. Because you’ll be in the habit of fitting around other people as opposed to bringing yourself and them bringing themselves and then you work out compromises and a system that works for both of you!

There's a lot of freedom on the other side of some good therapy work, my friend. A ton of freedom. Good luck.

 

You put into words what I am thinking. Thank you for that. I went through more s*** with this woman in just under 2 years than I did with my ex wife ! She got lucky with her no transportation deal and I still dont know how or why the universe has given her so much by letting her take advantage of me literally in the worst possible moment in my life. I will consider it a blessing that she is removed now and learn to rejoice honestly. Now I can get back to myself again! She somehow got a New job, New apartment, tons of support from people here that she misled and charmed.. more than I have and I have been here years! Crazy how much someone can play the victim and receive so much free crap it blows my mind. I dont want someone like that anyway. I have worked for every single thing I own with zero safety net my entire life and have still been able to provide for myself and kids and even ex wife. You're right, I need to be picky and not accept things I normally would never have.

[NewHurtOne]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I was under the assumption that you already blocked her and she kept contacting you.

If so, changing a few settings is hardly a hassle when compared to her repeated messages after you've already blocked her. It's a small price to pay to protect your peace of mind by taking a proactive approach rather than waiting for her to contact you again.

Just something to consider. I found that changing my number was the easiest way to stop someone from contacting me. It's your call. It's a decision that you have to make for yourself. You have to decide if it's worth it to change your number or if you'd rather take the risk of your ex-girlfriend contacting you again. Ultimately, it's up to you.

Hang in there!

Thank you for your support! I do wrestle with it bad. I already changed my number TWICE in 2 years and she still gets in again. I probably should just do it again but I am tired of hey everybody I had to change my number again ... Thats why the resolve appeals to me...

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

Thank you wiseman for replying.  I agree and fundamentally do not want to have to change my number either truth be told. I have removed her from all.

You need to be honest with yourself about your addiction to her. Changing phone numbers is a game you are playing. Especially when you keep getting in touch with her. Perhaps you enjoy the drama of the on/off situation?

If you are serious about ending things, you know what to do. Delete and block and get a restraining order.  Take the messages to the police and complain about harassment and stalking and file a restraining order.  If she contacts you, she gets arrested, it's that simple. But then stay away.

Edited May 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NewHurtOne]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to be honest with yourself about your addiction to her. Changing phone numbers is a game you are playing. Especially when you keep getting in touch with her. Perhaps you enjoy the drama of the on/off situation?

I want to be free of it . Sincerely want her out for good with no way to try and sucker me back in ...  I broke up with her last night and said I was blocking her and got a "EFF YOU I AM DONE! from her and nothing since as I got her blocked and I am pretty sure she is in a rage anyway about it all...

She has two kids one living with her mother back home an hour away who has been recently diagnosed with cancer (her mom). It is my hope she folds up her card table so to speak and goes back to her people. She almost did the last time.. Her mother in law thats not legally her mother in law roots for her to stay her and enjoy herself. Whatever she decides I hope like hell she bounces. Irrelevant I  suppose though.  She sure does not seem to feel very much for even her own family and is reluctant I am sure to give up what she has attained here as she loves it here.

Edited May 31, 2023 by NewHurtOne

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

Thank you for your support! I do wrestle with it bad. I already changed my number TWICE in 2 years and she still gets in again. I probably should just do it again but I am tired of hey everybody I had to change my number again ... Thats why the resolve appeals to me...

Okay but if you're getting in touch with her then you're not serious about not wanting her in your life. She's not going to understand if you don't make it clear that you don't want to be in contact with her.

As you go through withdrawal, you need to be strong and resist the temptation to reach out. It doesn't sound like it will be easy for you but you can do it. Just remember why you decided to cut off contact in the first place.

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay but if you're getting in touch with her then you're not serious about not wanting her in your life. She's not going to understand if you don't make it clear that you don't want to be in contact with her.

As you go through withdrawal, you need to be strong and resist the temptation to reach out. It doesn't sound like it will be easy for you but you can do it. Just remember why you decided to cut off contact in the first place.

Oh I am not getting in touch with her. She gaslit me all weekend and ditched me over a made up fairly tale that is pure BS and tried to put the blame squarely on my shoulders. I have no idea what she really does I do know she is a major alcoholic and I dont want to deal with that either. I got enough kids...   Even if she were to get in recovery shed be a different person most likely and I would always be on edge waiting for her to relapse.. I mean, she literally buys a half gallon of vodka A DAY on the weekends and every other day during the week

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, NewHurtOne said:

Oh I am not getting in touch with her. She gaslit me all weekend and ditched me over a made up fairly tale that is pure BS and tried to put the blame squarely on my shoulders. I have no idea what she really does I do know she is a major alcoholic and I dont want to deal with that either. I got enough kids...   Even if she were to get in recovery shed be a different person most likely and I would always be on edge waiting for her to relapse.. I mean, she literally buys a half gallon of vodka A DAY on the weekends and every other day during the week

It's not helping you to complain about it now and remember that you didn't take issue with it when you were dating. Bad mouthing each other won't solve anything.

Focus on moving on and putting it behind you.

 

 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NewHurtOne]

45 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's not helping you to complain about it now and remember that you didn't take issue with it when you were dating. Bad mouthing each other won't solve anything.

Focus on moving on and putting it behind you.

 

 

 

 

Will do thank you

[glows]

I wouldn’t bother classifying her or what type of person she is. NOT YOUR TYPE is enough. 

Where are you at now in terms of other areas in life? Are you financially stable or gainfully employed? Is the coparenting still going well? Do you have interests and hobbies aside from dating?

No one wants to be a rebound so unless you’re certain you’re over her and can’t be bothered with anything to do with her and are not resentful and angry about the ordeal, pause on the dating front and take some time to chill out and be more of yourself first. Get those good vibes going before meeting people because most people aren’t going to want to deal with the fall out of this prev relationship or any other issues that may be going on with your ex wife/exes. 

 

[NewHurtOne]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I wouldn’t bother classifying her or what type of person she is. NOT YOUR TYPE is enough. 

Where are you at now in terms of other areas in life? Are you financially stable or gainfully employed? Is the coparenting still going well? Do you have interests and hobbies aside from dating?

No one wants to be a rebound so unless you’re certain you’re over her and can’t be bothered with anything to do with her and are not resentful and angry about the ordeal, pause on the dating front and take some time to chill out and be more of yourself first. Get those good vibes going before meeting people because most people aren’t going to want to deal with the fall out of this prev relationship or any other issues that may be going on with your ex wife/exes. 

 

You're totally right thanks for the reply. I am angry yes. I definitely dont feel like going through that again either or something similar. Such a conundrum to me. . There are still places in the world people literally get stoned to death for infidelity (not a pretty sight by the way) and other places oh its so cool to be a hypergamist . Both are not right at all in my opinion. I do think however there should be consequences for stringing someone along and abusing them. At this point not much desire left in me to trust another woman much less allow myself to be beholden to anyone now. Which is fine for me actually  I do have room for improvement in life and even though its only been 24 hours since kicked her to the curb I feel the old me coming back. Which I am super pumped about.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, NewHurtOne said:

Thank you so much for this.... You are right on so many levels . Unfortunately I have a lot of tolerance to endure pain and suffering  and I let her in. Always believing things would have been different. I will go to counseling !

You're welcome.

I know it's hard to see it right now and this by no means excuses her behavior nor allows her the space to occupy your mind and especially not allows her back into your life but sounds like she's got her own issues that are so severe she copes with it by treating herself as disposal and destroys everyone else in her path, you included.

You want to reach a place where you don't follow the same path and not let the anger consume you because it's so easy to get to that place if you're not careful.

Keep up with the journaling and taking care of your health and being a good Dad for your children 🙏.

Then after some much needed "you time" when that hurt and feelings of betrayal have subsided you can think of dating again, slowly.

[NewHurtOne]

Thank you for the kind words I appreciate it and also the insight on anger. I feel better already having not conversed with her for just these last 24 hours already..

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, NewHurtOne said:

 ...  I broke up with her last night and said I was blocking her .she literally buys a half gallon of vodka A DAY on the weekends and every other day during the week

So you were talking just hours ago?  If she's so horrible, why are you with her?

Keep in mind, the only "victims" her are your children. You two are in this chronically volatile  unstable situation voluntarily.  

Edited May 31, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Calmandfocused]

Nice lady you got yourself there Op! 
 

There is little point speculating what is wrong with her. What you do need to do is speculate, address and resolve what is “wrong” with you, that would be attracted to and tolerate someone like this. 
 

It sounds absolutely horrific from start to finish! You owe it to yourself and your children to make better choices for yourself. This means sorting out your own emotional mess. 
 

I count at least 6 children who have been affected by this fun fair of chaos! I have to ask: are her children safe? My guess is not! 

Please stay away from her and sort your head out. 

[glows]

8 hours ago, NewHurtOne said:

You're totally right thanks for the reply. I am angry yes. I definitely dont feel like going through that again either or something similar. Such a conundrum to me. . There are still places in the world people literally get stoned to death for infidelity (not a pretty sight by the way) and other places oh its so cool to be a hypergamist . Both are not right at all in my opinion. I do think however there should be consequences for stringing someone along and abusing them. At this point not much desire left in me to trust another woman much less allow myself to be beholden to anyone now. Which is fine for me actually  I do have room for improvement in life and even though its only been 24 hours since kicked her to the curb I feel the old me coming back. Which I am super pumped about.

Not very clear here on the discussion about stoning for infidelity which very often involves a female and never a male. I get that you are extremely angry and frustrated. 

I don’t see any abuse here to be brutally honest with you. It’s you continuing to let her into your life. As soon as you become accountable for your own actions you will feel empowered to change. It’s easier to blame someone else. End that way of thinking and start being the captain of your own ship. Sail away.

[NewHurtOne]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you were talking just hours ago?  If she's so horrible, why are you with her?

Keep in mind, the only "victims" her are your children. You two are in this chronically volatile  unstable situation voluntarily.  

No Sir I have not / we have not spoken. My kids are my priority %100 and you are right that relationship negatively impacted that.

[NewHurtOne]

45 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Nice lady you got yourself there Op! 
 

There is little point speculating what is wrong with her. What you do need to do is speculate, address and resolve what is “wrong” with you, that would be attracted to and tolerate someone like this. 
 

It sounds absolutely horrific from start to finish! You owe it to yourself and your children to make better choices for yourself. This means sorting out your own emotional mess. 
 

I count at least 6 children who have been affected by this fun fair of chaos! I have to ask: are her children safe? My guess is not! 

Please stay away from her and sort your head out. 

Will do ! Thank you for your perspective I appreciate the advice I am and will continue to follow it!

[NewHurtOne]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Not very clear here on the discussion about stoning for infidelity which very often involves a female and never a male. I get that you are extremely angry and frustrated. 

I don’t see any abuse here to be brutally honest with you. It’s you continuing to let her into your life. As soon as you become accountable for your own actions you will feel empowered to change. It’s easier to blame someone else. End that way of thinking and start being the captain of your own ship. Sail away.

Ah I suppose it was a poor example for some.. You are right about me being in the wrong by continuing to let her in my life. I have changed that now and am already getting back to myself. The story I wrote and details I provided was the short version, in either case the relationship was volatile mainly on her end. Some people get away with horrible behavior somehow with zero consequences somehow I guess and bad things happen to good people.  She tried to exploit the fact she is female and is an expert twisting things around playing the victim and I never experienced that level of manipulation that I am aware of. In any other circumstance in my life I would not have allowed it to happen or continue for so long. Nobody is perfect and her timing was impeccable to say the least.

[glows]

Yes some are prone to playing the victim. Consider yourself wiser and more experienced now. She may have fooled you once. Don’t let it happen again with her or someone else. Be confident about yourself too. Let go of the anger because it tends to be evident in insecure individuals. You do have a lot to offer if you’ve got your life sorted. 

[NewHurtOne]

14 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

'll tell you one more thing a friend of mine says. She has seen a lot of recently divorced people date and her conclusion is that recently divorced people are just not ready to date and part of it is that in a bad marriage, their social skills can easily deteriorate. So starting over is not starting over like a person your age, but like being a teenager with teenage maturity. Just a thought.

Ironically this is something we had argued about from the get go. I spoke on it and was told I was wrong (a recurring theme by the way) I said I was in a long relationship (was with wife 16 years in total) and she doesnt understand. She on the other hand has just been in a series of relationships her entire life- signalling to me a sign of a lack of maturity and accountability

Edited May 31, 2023 by NewHurtOne

[glows]

Curious - did you actually tell her she lacked maturity due to her shorter relationships? This would incite a lot of people as it’s condescending. 

If you’re not compatible in future just end it respectfully. Never ever discuss past relationships in a condescending way. 

[NewHurtOne]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

Curious - did you actually tell her she lacked maturity due to her shorter relationships? This would incite a lot of people as it’s condescending. 

If you’re not compatible in future just end it respectfully. Never ever discuss past relationships in a condescending way. 

She condescended to me, so I stood up for myself .