What to do about the one that got away situation? Torn.

[aangelababy]

The 'one that got away' is a cheesy term but I don't know what else to call him because it's complicated.  We met in 2020 at our part time job, and after I found out from our friends that he was interested in me, we hooked up in summer 2021 right after I graduated high school.  This was a few nights before I had to leave for college and because I was kind of awkward back then, I didn't say goodbye or ask what we were.  I also had to cancel on him multiple times because I was trying to hide it from my parents, had no car, and just a bunch of reasons that I now realize were nonsense.  Eventually, we both started dating other people until he called me a few months later but because I still had a boyfriend, I kept things on the platonic side.  I never stopped thinking about him though so I called him a few months after that when I was single, but something he said made me change my mind and I felt that we hadn't worked out for a reason and we were both just better off without each other.  I didn't tell him this though, I just hung up and didn't contact him for about a year.  Which brings us to now.  We spoke on the phone for the first time in a year for three hours.  For the first time, he didn't sound like he was trying to act cool.  He told me it hurt his feelings that I left without saying goodbye after we hooked up that night and he had no idea how I felt so he started dating his girlfriend, who he took a break from for a while (which is when he called me).  They got back together, but I was single at the time we spoke which was in March.   I realize my communication was horrible, so this time I was honest about my feelings.  I apologized for not making more of an effort to see him and that I genuinely did like him, but I had no idea how to navigate dating at 17.  He's a really quiet and reserved person, so when he said he liked me back (albeit that it was wrong because he has a gf) it made my heart leap.  

Our conversation was messed up and sexually charged at certain points where he admitted he was considering cheating on his girlfriend with me.  But we both dismissed that idea because neither of us are the type to actually go through with it.  He asked me if I ever saw us as being more and I ended the conversation saying that if we're meant to be, maybe we'd talk again in the future but right now we should just do our own thing because he's in a relationship.  Fast forward to now, I had no intention of dating anyone - not because of him, just wanted to be single and focus on school - I met a cute guy at a party and we've been dating for about a month.  It's nothing serious yet but he's sweet and we have a lot of fun together.  This morning, I got a text from the other guy that he wanted to talk.  Basically, that he had broken up with his gf because it wasn't fair to her since he had feelings for me and to call him when I can.  He said he didn't want to pressure me and that jumping from one relationship to another isn't a good idea but that he needed me to know so that we could get to know each other again if I were to give him a chance.  He also texted me this, "I've called you so many times, and you've called me so many times.  I need to know if you see us ever being more in the future because I can't keep doing this dance with you. It's been two years at this point and I never knew how you felt up until now.  So now what?"

I feel kind of torn here.  The logical part of me knows that what he also said is right, there's a reason we didn't work out the first time. I feel like we missed that window when we were both totally single, for whatever reason whether it be because of that misunderstanding or something else.  I've changed since then and so has he, yet I still think about him all the time no matter who I'm with.  I'm scared to risk what I have because I don't know if my feelings for him are just a big what if, lust, or if they're just genuine.  He's the only guy I've ever felt deeply close to, because every other boy I've encountered or dated has been cool, but I always feel like I know them at only a surface level.  With him, he's seen me vulnerable and I feel like I can be myself, tell him anything because he's never judged me before.  Sexually too, I've always felt very sure when it comes to him.  So while my brain is telling me that there's no way I'll never find another guy to feel that way about so I should just forget this already, my gut is screaming that I'll never really be able to get over him if I don't at least explore that what if with him.  And I feel like that chance is now because he's single and we finally told each other how we feel, but I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.  And so far it's great with him, plus my parents like him.  I just don't want to make a stupid, irrational choice and give up a guy I do like for something that may blow up in my face. I just have a lot of unresolved feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aangelababy said:

 he took a break from for a while which is when he called me.  Our conversation was messed up and sexually charged at certain points where he admitted he was considering cheating on his girlfriend with me.  

Please focus on your education, getting into college, your future and getting along well with your parents.  

Focus on dating your current BF and staying involved with your interests and activities.

A horndog who calls the nanosecond he's off with his on/off GF, is not "the one who got away" It's someone with no integrity. Hopefully you're not flattered that he would cheat?

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Be glad you dodged a bullet.

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, aangelababy said:

yet I still think about him all the time no matter who I'm with.

I assume this means he's been in the back of your mind for the whole time you've been with your current boyfriend.   If so, your new boyfriend deserves better than this - it would be kind to break up with him so that he can find a lovely woman who is able to properly give him her heart.

This would then free you up to either focusing on your life or trying things with this guy from your past.   If you do meet him, it's probably not going to last and there is that issue about lack of integrity, but at least you'll be able to finally put him behind you.  And if the two of you do crash and burn, make sure to block him when you're done so that he can't come back sniffing around when either of you has a new partner.

[JTSW]

What is your heart telling you to do?

No matter who you are dating, this guy is always there in the back of your mind.

You will always wonder what could've been if you don't give this a chance.

 

[glows]

I thought you said this one month thing isn’t serious so why is this current guy your “boyfriend”? I had the impression you’re just seeing each other casually. When did it get exclusive?

I think you may be building things up with both guys when they may both be much ado over nothing. I understand first guy carries some history but I wouldn’t treat either of these too seriously.

Agreed with previous comments on focusing on your schooling. You don’t want to be depending on anyone financially long term. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

I understand kind of having fantasies about someone you hooked up one time with years in the past, but don't you think you're holding onto that in an intense way?  It was a single hookup and then, if I've followed, some missed efforts to get together and a phone conversation.  

If you want to date him go ahead.  See where it goes.  But it seems like you're putting a tremendous amount of weight on ... not much.  

[smackie9]

The new guy isn't much to you if you are still contemplating dating this guy. Sure the new guy is sweet and nice, but does he really do it for you? Have to figure out if this is just lust or truly has depth to it to risk it all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither guy is right for you. 

When you meet the right one, you won't be torn between him and anyone else.  I would set your current boyfriend free anyway, because you're not that into him if you're even considering another this guy from your past. And that's okay, but you need to let him go so he can find someon whose interest level matches his. 

I would also really not hold your breath for the first guy. He isn't the one who got away. He was simply your first actualy boyfriend and it didn't work out. That's all. 

[stillafool]

I don't understand why if the hook up guy was who you really liked why did you continue to getting in relationships with these other guys?  Definitely break up with your current boyfriend.

Edited May 31, 2023 by stillafool

[aangelababy]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand why if the hook up guy was who you really liked why did you continue to getting in relationships with these other guys?  Definitely break up with your current boyfriend.

Hmm well both guys came along when I wasn't expecting it and the timing was right.  I guess the reason is just because I have some feelings for the first guy, I figured it doesn't really mean much in the scheme of things.  I wasn't going to wait around for his relationship to be over,  just because he said he wanted to be with me I didn't expect anything to actually happen.  So I figured if someone else came along that I liked, I wasn't going to let my feelings stop me from something potentially really good ya know?  I didn't really think he would dump his gf.

[aangelababy]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I thought you said this one month thing isn’t serious so why is this current guy your “boyfriend”? I had the impression you’re just seeing each other casually. When did it get exclusive?

I think you may be building things up with both guys when they may both be much ado over nothing. I understand first guy carries some history but I wouldn’t treat either of these too seriously.

Agreed with previous comments on focusing on your schooling. You don’t want to be depending on anyone financially long term. 

 

Oh I just mean since we're both young, I don't consider one month of dating to be super serious as in my feelings aren't that deep yet.  We were exclusive off the bat since he started taking me out on dates and things just kinda fell into place after that.  We're also spending the summer together as much as possible, which is why I feel a bit weird because I'm also investing my time and energy into him.

[aangelababy]

Just now, aangelababy said:

Oh I just mean since we're both young, I don't consider one month of dating to be super serious as in my feelings aren't that deep yet.  We were exclusive off the bat since he started taking me out on dates and things just kinda fell into place after that.  We're also spending the summer together as much as possible, which is why I feel a bit weird because I'm also investing my time and energy into him.

And he has introduced me to his parents and his friends as his girlfriend so that's how we pretty much decided we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

[aangelababy]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand why if the hook up guy was who you really liked why did you continue to getting in relationships with these other guys?  Definitely break up with your current boyfriend.

Oh I forgot to mention-it was mainly because of distance that I never thought a relationship with him would be possible.  I'm in college about three hours away and I'm not in our hometown that much anymore soo, I figured it would be difficult.

[glows]

Are you back in your hometown for the summer only and then going back to college in the fall out of town? 

It sounds like both romances are in your hometown and hypothetically going to last a few months only? 

[MsJayne]

Ask yourself this....Would you be OK with dating someone if you knew they were secretly thinking about someone else?  Then use your own answer to guide you to do what's fair for your current BF.  Does he actually know he has a use-by date? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, aangelababy said:

.I didn't really think he would dump his gf.  I'm in college about three hours away and I'm not in our hometown that much anymore soo, I figured it would be difficult.

Does your BF live in the college town or your hometown?  Please don't be flattered that he dumped his GF and now wants a rebound. You're 3 hours apart so what's the point of pursuing an old flame? 

Focus on your education, local and campus life and improving your situation and communication with your BF. Tell the old flame it was nice hearing from him, but you have a BF, so you can't get involved.

[Alpacalia]

Try to figure out if it's him or just nostalgia affecting you.

Your initial relationship with him was a one-time hookup. I can't even tell that you dated. A one-time hook-up and some sultry telephone conversation a few months later while he was in a relationship...

That's all there was to it. Unless there's more to it?

Sure, he might have been a sparkler in the bedroom...

What did he say that changed your mind the first time you called it off after you both hooked up? What caused you to change your mind after your initial misunderstanding? Is there something you would like to say but have yet to say? Are you frustrated and angry? There are so many reasons why he still crosses your mind and you need to determine which one is yours. You seem frustrated by the way you handled it. Handled what exactly? Maybe this has more to do with being frustrated with yourself then having genuine feelings towards him. Are these feelings of regret and wishing things could be different because of how you handled things?

Maybe you're just struggling with the idea that you didn't say what you wanted to in the moment, and now it's too late. Have you thought about how you could have handled the situation differently? What could you have done differently to get you to accept that this is the way things turned out. 

Figuring out your feelings will let you know whether it's a serious feeling or just a whiff of sadness. Make sure you are clear about that before you go deeper with a new guy. If the former, it is time to talk to the new guy you're dating.

[aangelababy]

Hey all, I know it's been so long but I just wanted to jump back on here and thank ya'll for your advice, I really really appreciate it.  Both of our relationships came to an end shortly after I stopped replying to this thread.   I basically got dumped at a party where he and his ex gf also happen to be at that our hometown friends were holding.  I guess his ex said something to my bf and he said it was obvious we were into each other and he pretty much just broke up with me in front of everyone.  Everyone was hurt for a while, me included because I felt like a jerk.  It took me a while but the guy (the one who got away)  kept coming to my house and asking me to give him a chance, that the timing was finally right etc.  We had a long conversation and he said that either we commit to each other because at this point, we had to be together for real or not at all.  I agreed, there could be no in between. So we've been together ever since and honestly, I'm so in love with him even though the way we started was pretty unhealthy.  We still have our issues but I've never felt more right being with him.  He comes to visit me every weekend since school started and I come down occasionally to be with him since he works and has his own company now.  Even if it doesn't last, I don't think I could ever regret this because at least I know I gave it my all or I would've stayed hung up on him for the rest of my life.  The problem now is telling my parents.  I managed to keep it a secret all summer because they were gone for most of it, but now that things are getting serious I'm not sure how to tell them.  It's true I'm an adult and I shouldn't have to answer to them when it comes to relationships, but we're an Asian family and family is very important to me.  They really don't approve of our relationship just because of the way it started and they used to see me cry over him.  I don't know how to convince them that he's really not a bad guy, I just want them to accept him without going through all the bs.  If ya'll have any advice on how to approach this, it would be great.

Edited October 25, 2023 by aangelababy

[glows]

Can you explain a bit more why you think your parents would be upset? Is it because he isn’t in uni/college? Is there an age gap? What did your parents see you crying about.. more details?

Are you sure you’re not being overly defensive to start? And why say anything to them in the first place? It hasn’t even been a year of dating? Are you living with your parents?

[aangelababy]

Partially because he isn't in college yes, and he's almost 3 years older than me.  I guess I'm defensive because my mom and I had a lot of fights since I was 17 about my feelings for him and she would be really dramatic and say she'd sue him for touching me while I was underage.  (This never happened btw, I was 18 she's just emotional and gets crazy sometimes) She is somewhat traditional and would rather me be with someone who's in school, closer to my age.  She's also told me that if I decide to be with him that he isn't welcome in our house so don't bother taking him there.  I get where she's coming from honestly, my track record with boys hasn't been good because I had a tendency to hurt a few of the boys I've casually dated bc I was so hung up on him.  She basically blames him for my actions even though it really isn't his fault.   And overall, he just has a lot of baggage and she has this idea that I have to find someone who's got no baggage, no previous relationships, etc.  I wish I could tell that sometimes that's just not how love works.  It does make it worse that she really liked my ex boyfriend.  Well the reason I feel like I should tell them is because we're very close and I don't like keeping secrets from them, especially since I still live under their roof when I come back from college. I know my mom and she's gonna be even more pissed if I reveal this to her a year from now because she knows that I know she doesn't approve yet I hid our relationship for a year, ya know?  I know she just wants the best for me so I feel like she'll get on board eventually, I'm just scared she's gonna freak out because she's done that before in the past.  Also bc I've already met my bf's parents and he's been asking when he could meet mine.  Should I just suck it up, let her know and take whatever anger she might have? 😕

[glows]

The cold hard truth is if you’re still depending on your parents or living with them in any capacity then you’re not fully independent or self sufficient. She’ll find out anyway you’re dating someone and will be upset why you didn’t say anything earlier. I agree with you there. 

About telling her at all I was wondering how you feel about this guy who seems to be very different from you, whether this will fizzle out by next term and you meet someone new in school. You both haven’t experienced a full semester doing this long distance thing that did pose a problem at first because you had no car - how do you commute to see one another now? Has there been a solution?

I understand he wants to meet your family but I’m guessing he doesn’t understand why you’re taking your time. What I really mean is he doesn’t understand you, the whole real you. This is the honeymoon period and he doesn’t know your mother was so against you dating him years ago or that she thinks you’re mismatched. He’s naive perhaps and totally clueless which is for the best as that could be hurtful. 

Decide whether you like him this much and then tell your mother. You don’t need to tell him what your mother thinks. Don’t hurt him like that. If it’s too much drama, end it and get independent and finish your schooling, find your own place.

[aangelababy]

Tbh I've been at this school two years now and have had my fair share of dating around but nothing ever worked out even with guys I thought I could really like because I still wanted him.  It's true I could meet someone else and same for him but honestly?  I can't even think about that because I love him, so much.  He has this way of knowing what I'm gonna say ,what I want, what I hate, and protecting me that no one else ever has.  I don't think my feelings are ever gonna fizzle out if they haven't for three years at this point.  He's even said I'm a pain in the ass and we make each other mad all the time but it never lasts more than a couple of hours.  I think that was the problem before - we both have pretty strong personalities, too much ego and too much to prove.  I'm glad we finally got past thought and he makes me a better person.  Ahh and yes, there's been a solution.  To answer your question, he takes the train up to see me, but when I'm back in my hometown for longer periods of time like summer and Christmas break, I have a car now so I'm able to see him whenever unlike before.  I hope there's no drama but even there is, but I'm gonna fight for him this time.  Literally, I learned my lesson from last time.  I didn't fight hard enough for him and he slipped away.  I don't want that to happen again this time.  I just don't know how to come out and say it, like I was thinking I could have my parents out to dinner and then also invite him.  Btw, my parents never even met him in person so I feel like they're being way too harsh.  But yeah, I don't plan on backing out at all.  I like him so much I feel my heart is about to explode.

[glows]

How do you think your parents will react to having a surprise visit from him at dinner? How would your boyfriend feel to know they didn’t know about him this whole time when it sits down and sees the shock on their faces? I’m curious what you think on this.

 

[aangelababy]

Oh god no, I didn't mean surprise.  Sorry I should've been more clear.  I meant I would tell her and then if they're down for it, we can all have dinner together at a public place instead of me just taking home since my mom made it pretty clear he's not welcome.

[glows]

I misunderstood - It sounds lovely. As long as they’re on board. I think your mum is worried about you getting hurt again. You know they’ll always be there for you.