What to do about the one that got away situation? Torn.

[Gaeta]

On 5/31/2023 at 1:06 AM, aangelababy said:

 And I feel like that chance is now because he's single and we finally told each other how we feel, but I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

Did not realize this was months old thread.

Edited October 25, 2023 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I think it's too soon to introduce him to your parents. Four months dating does not make it a strong relationship enough to make a statement in front of your parents. You're also only spending weekends together so it will take a while before you see his true colors or he sees your true colors. Is he Asian as well? if not he needs to fully understand if he wants to be with you it may mean all of his life he'll be the black sheep in your family. Your parents will learn to tolerate him but I doubt they will fully accept him if he doesn't up his game.

Your parents don't see him being a good protective partner and good provider for you and their grand children. Does he have a plan on stepping up is professional life? You also said he is 3 years older, that makes him what? 23? and he does not have a vehicle?

I am the mother of 2 adults daughters and I can tell you, if my youngest one (19) dated a 23 year old man that has no post education, no real job, not really self-employed, no real revenue, no vehicle......I would be really unimpressed and I am not an Asian mother, just a mother.

[aangelababy]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I think it's too soon to introduce him to your parents. Four months dating does not make it a strong relationship enough to make a statement in front of your parents. You're also only spending weekends together so it will take a while before you see his true colors or he sees your true colors. Is he Asian as well? if not he needs to fully understand if he wants to be with you it may mean all of his life he'll be the black sheep in your family. Your parents will learn to tolerate him but I doubt they will fully accept him if he doesn't up his game.

Your parents don't see him being a good protective partner and good provider for you and their grand children. Does he have a plan on stepping up is professional life? You also said he is 3 years older, that makes him what? 23? and he does not have a vehicle?

I am the mother of 2 adults daughters and I can tell you, if my youngest one (19) dated a 23 year old man that has no post education, no real job, not really self-employed, no real revenue, no vehicle......I would be really unimpressed and I am not an Asian mother, just a mother.

Oh noo, he's not like at all.  I mentioned it in one of my previous comments.  Sorry I jumped back on this thread without giving any new information.  He's always had a car, it was me who didn't.  And he has his own company now.  He turned the construction company he used to work in back when we first met into his own company and it's been going great.  He's really good at networking so he's been getting a lot of business. I'm supa proud of him

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, aangelababy said:

I'm supa proud of him

That's wonderful !

In your very first story you said he had 'baggage', what were you referring to?

[aangelababy]

I guess it's more like emotional baggage.  His father used to cheat on his mom all the time growing up and he has a lot of insecurities even though he doesn't show it initially.  He's pretty tough on the outside but idk, there's a lot beneath that and a lot of nights where he's cried in my arms before.  He still lives with his mom and his sister, but not his dad because they're divorced.  I suggested at him possibly giving his dad another chance because his dad had been trying for years now to reconnect with him.  He asked me to come with him to meet his dad over the summer and of course I did. Ever since then, I think they've been warming up to each other and it makes me so happy.  I think what he needs most is a better relationship with his family tbh.  He's a lot happier now than before so I think spending time with his dad has really been helping. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, aangelababy said:

Oh noo, he's not like at all.  I mentioned it in one of my previous comments.  Sorry I jumped back on this thread without giving any new information.  He's always had a car, it was me who didn't.  And he has his own company now.  He turned the construction company he used to work in back when we first met into his own company and it's been going great.  He's really good at networking so he's been getting a lot of business. I'm supa proud of him

Will he soon buy a car?  Is he not Asian and that's one reason your parents don't approve of him?

[glows]

14 hours ago, aangelababy said:

I guess it's more like emotional baggage.  His father used to cheat on his mom all the time growing up and he has a lot of insecurities even though he doesn't show it initially.  He's pretty tough on the outside but idk, there's a lot beneath that and a lot of nights where he's cried in my arms before.  He still lives with his mom and his sister, but not his dad because they're divorced.  I suggested at him possibly giving his dad another chance because his dad had been trying for years now to reconnect with him.  He asked me to come with him to meet his dad over the summer and of course I did. Ever since then, I think they've been warming up to each other and it makes me so happy.  I think what he needs most is a better relationship with his family tbh.  He's a lot happier now than before so I think spending time with his dad has really been helping. 

I’m curious what his family thinks of you. Do you get along with them? Does he stay over at your place on campus or near your uni or do you ever stay over at their place? It’s good he’s doing better.

[stillafool]

On 10/24/2023 at 11:04 PM, aangelababy said:

 To answer your question, he takes the train up to see me, but when I'm back in my hometown for longer periods of time like summer and Christmas break, I have a car now so I'm able to see him whenever unlike before.

 

22 hours ago, aangelababy said:

 He's always had a car, it was me who didn't

Why does he take the train to see you when he has a car?  When you're back in your hometown why do you have to drive to see him if he has a car?

[aangelababy]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I’m curious what his family thinks of you. Do you get along with them? Does he stay over at your place on campus or near your uni or do you ever stay over at their place? It’s good he’s doing better.

His mom and sister are both really kind.  I get along with them well.  When I met his dad, we talked for a while without my boyfriend around and he told me he hasn't seen his son this happy in a long time and that he's glad we found each other.  I really like his parents and so far, I think they like me from what they've said.  Yes I have an apartment so he stays with me on the weekends.  When I go back home, I usually stay over at his yes.

[aangelababy]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

Why does he take the train to see you when he has a car?  When you're back in your hometown why do you have to drive to see him if he has a car?

Takes up a lot of mileage.  My school is about 5 hours away from where we live.  And oh I just meant I have my own car now so we can meet up whenever and not have to sneak around like when I was back in high school haha.  He used to park down the block so my parents wouldn't see me leaving in the middle night.  I'm so glad we don't gotta do that anymore.

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, aangelababy said:

When I go back home, I usually stay over at his yes.

Don't your parents wonder where you are all night?  Or do they not object to you staying overnight with boyfriends?  You didn't answer as to whether your bf was also Asian.

[glows]

I’m guessing you tell them you stay over at a girlfriends since they don’t know about him but I’m sure your mum suspects something. It’s best to come clean and tell them since you’re still living with your parents. As long as you keep up your grades, graduate, get a decent professional job and don’t get pregnant they will eventually accept him. 

[aangelababy]

Hey all, 

It's been a while since I last updated but all of ya'll have given such good advice and are a really nice support system.  To answer one of the questions above, yeah my parents have started to ask where I am because even though I go to my friends' houses, I rarely ever spend the night.  I was able to use that excuse for a bit, but I came clean to them recently.  Neither of them are happy because they really liked my ex and they think I broke up with him for my boyfriend.  They think my ex is a great guy and didn't deserve this so I tried to explain to them that he deserves someone who's totally in love with him and that I also deserved to be with someone I loved completely and who loves me back as well.  My mom actually seems like she's warming up to the idea because I brought her to meet him at the mall so we could all go shopping together. She said she was really surprised by how well mannered and gentleman like he was. I'm glad because I tried to explain to her so many times to forget everything I've said in the past and to go into this with an open mind.  My dad on the other hand is giving me a really hard time and it's making things pretty rough at home.  He's not rude to him when they met at dinner but I can tell he doesn't approve.  My mom told me she would try to speak with him but he and I have been getting into so many arguments it's unbearable.  He won't even tell me why he doesn't like him, I think he's just stuck on the fact that he likes my ex better and maybe I jumped relationships pretty fast.

I really hope he gets on board because it's taken a toll on everyone.  I try to protect my boyfriend's feelings but he's not stupid, I'm pretty sure he knows my dad doesn't approve at least for now.  On a brighter note, I'll be graduating college next year and moving back to my city for grad school.  We've discussed possibly moving in together.  Even though my dad isn't happy which is the only part that sucks, I can't help but wanna shout to the world how amazing this feels.  Like yes, our relationship has many ups and downs and it's toxic sometimes, but there's so much there and I wish my dad would understand that. This is the realest thing I've ever felt for someone in my life and it's scary but I'm also the happiest I've ever been.  I don't know if I mentioned that he used to go to therapy then stopped in the few years we've been apart, but now he's gone back again.  I can still tell there's a lot of things bothering him.  It makes me sad because it's obvious he has a lot of demons - that's a weird time, but it's the only way I can describe it- and I really hope he overcomes it one day.  I guess my dad knows this too and I told him I would stay with him through it because he's stuck with me throughout all my episodes when my mental health is bad.  I know he wants what's best for me but it feels like he and my mom are trying to force a perfect, squeaky clean guy on me.  I wish they'd understand that sometimes that's just not how love works and I can't fall for a guy just because he's good looking and good on paper

 

[aangelababy]

Also I know I'm venting but another thing that bugs me is when they talk about my future, they always speak as if he doesn't exist.  Like my mom still has talks with me about finding 'the one' or when I meet the right guy, marriage, blah blah blah and it honestly drives me insane.  I find it hurtful and disrespectful too, like they're not even really acknowledging the fact that HELLO?  Their daughter found someone and she loves him, but all they can talk about is my future that doesn't include him.  I try not to let it get to me because they're just being parents, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't annoy the hell out of me.

[Acacia98]

Perhaps you will eventually have to get to the point where you recognize you can live your life as you choose to with or without your parents' 100% approval.

You don't have to convince your dad that your boyfriend is the right person for you. Just live your life sincerely and with your eyes wide open. Your dad is responsible for his feelings. You are responsible for your part in the relationship.

Regarding the conversations your parents have about "when you meet the right guy," you could simply learn to tune them out. Let them talk, perhaps nod politely. In your heart, though, you should recognize that what happens in your relationship comes down to you and your boyfriend. Your parents are actually powerless to control your feelings and your actions. You don't have to fight them to prove that to them. They will eventually come to that realization themselves.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Acacia98

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, aangelababy said:

Like yes, our relationship has many ups and downs and it's toxic sometimes

 

6 hours ago, aangelababy said:

it's obvious he [my boyfriend] has a lot of demons

 

5 hours ago, aangelababy said:

I'm also the happiest I've ever been.

 

I understand why your dad is so concerned. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, aangelababy said:

, our relationship has many ups and downs and it's toxic sometimes, but there's so much there and I wish my dad would understand that.  

It seems like the conflict is basically with your parents, your dependence and making your own choices.

It seems you're head over heels about someone you describe as "toxic". Unfortunately perhaps your parents disapproval is inspiring your rebellion to the point of overlooking red flags. 

Please Google: "The Romeo and Juliet effect". It describes the intensification of romantic feelings in relationship when met by parental opposition.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, aangelababy said:

I know he wants what's best for me but it feels like he and my mom are trying to force a perfect, squeaky clean guy on me.

You never answered whether your new bf is also Asian like you and whether that is one reason your parents don't like him.  Also what is it about your boyfriend that makes your parents think he isn't squeaky clean?  What exactly don't they like about him other than he isn't your ex?

[glows]

6 hours ago, aangelababy said:

Also I know I'm venting but another thing that bugs me is when they talk about my future, they always speak as if he doesn't exist.  Like my mom still has talks with me about finding 'the one' or when I meet the right guy, marriage, blah blah blah and it honestly drives me insane.  I find it hurtful and disrespectful too, like they're not even really acknowledging the fact that HELLO?  Their daughter found someone and she loves him, but all they can talk about is my future that doesn't include him.  I try not to let it get to me because they're just being parents, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't annoy the hell out of me.

Do they know you plan on living with him next year? Who’s paying for your schooling/grad school coming up? Are you working or would your bf and parents support you?

What kinds of arguments do you have with your dad? Is your bf not Asian?