Tired, so tired

[JTSW]

Trust me, if he hasn't left his wife after 6 years, he's never going to.

He's just wants the best of both worlds.

I can guarantee that he has known about the trip for a while.

He's feeding you all the classic married man clichés and lies. 

You need to cut this off for your own wellbeing and mental health.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I want have someone for me. I want to be loved and see the world with a real partner. I want to be someone’s first choice. I want to roll over at night and have my rock next to me. 

These are all natural and normal desires. However unavailable people choose other unavailable people. So that might be worth exploring. As soon as you free yourself from this, you could pursue these wishes.

[glows]

Reconnect with your hobbies too and try not to jump into another relationship too quickly. Stay grounded and levelheaded about what you want or need, not just on a relationship level. It’s only one aspect of your life but not everything.

Good for you that you’ve blocked him. 

[Starswillshine]

Try to envision your life if he were to divorce and be with you. Would you ever feel comfortable that he was not cheating? Could you ever really trust him? When he leaves on a trip, will you be able to sleep peacefully while he is gone? Or will you be uo tossing and turning worrying if he is alone? 

While you have invested 6 years of your life, do you really want to invest more? Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy... if I just invest a little more (after losing so much), I'll finally "win." But what do you really win? It's a bad investment, even if you do get the "winning hand." 

Your best bet is to start healing from this and move on. This man isn't your soul mate; an affair is really nothing special. Heal yourself, and find yourself a relationship that does not consist of so much pain and heartbreak. Love should never be such a thing. 

[SideChick23]

39 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy... if I just invest a little more (after losing so much), I'll finally "win." But what do you really win? It's a bad investment, even if you do get the "winning hand." 

I think I’ve been held in the sunken cost fallacy for a while now. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. He kept saying to be patient and in my mind I’m thinking maybe I wasn’t patient enough. The truth is I’m stuck in his holding pattern because he’s selfish. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

The truth is I’m stuck in his holding pattern because he’s selfish. 

He’s selfish, yes.

But this statement is not true and it’s not helping you. You are stuck in a holding pattern because YOU have not made another decision for yourself - not because he is selfish. You are stuck in a holding pattern because YOU decided to plan a future with an unavailable man somehow believing that it would work out for you. As it turns out, poor decisions have poor outcomes. But that’s on you, not him. 

There is that sense of entitlement in this statement. This comment is the equivalent of a three year old throwing a tantrum - “I would be happy if only YOU would give me what I want and buy me that candy!” 

Life doesn’t work that way. 

Have you ever heard the term “locus of control.” It essentially means that the power, the control, the ability to make a decision and influence a situation is either external or internal.

External meaning the power lies outside of your control (ie. it’s because he’s married that we can’t be together,  MM hasn’t made the decision to divorce and be with you, the whole situation is unfair, his wife is the problem, etc…)

Internal meaning that you have the power and control (ie. you direct your own life, the quality of your own life is a direct reflection of the decisions that YOU have made, and if you are unhappy - YOU need to make a different decision). 

In your comments, I hear a lot of things that tell me you believe there is an external locus of control (ie. he is selfish, it’s because of him that you stayed around for all this time, what should I do now - wait for him to contact me or let fate decide the course of my life…). 

What we are encouraging you to do is make a shift - the fact that he is selfish is not untrue but it’s irrelevant. You chose this relationship. You stayed. You will decide to end it when you decide that it’s in your best interest to do so. 

As Dorothy said in the Wizard of Oz, “You have always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”

Edited June 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

I think I’ve been held in the sunken cost fallacy for a while now. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. 

You must have known for a while, but needed to hear it from someone else.

Letting go is hard.

 

 

[mark clemson]

There seems to me to be a disconnect between you wanting him "fully" and yet remaining in the affair for 6 years. Your affair has lasted longer than many (and possibly the great majority of) "full" open relationships. So clearly it worked for you. I think that (in the past) perhaps not having him fully was actually a positive for you at some level, perhaps for reasons that you weren't fully conscious of?

Be that as it may, people change over time, and perhaps 6 years later, you're now more ready for a full relationship where you can "have" the other person? If the affair is causing you distress (and it sounds like it has been for a while) AND you're ready for a more full relationship, perhaps starting a family, etc, then clearly the logical course is to bite the bullet and move on. From everything I've read on this site, these promises to leave rarely amount to much, unfortunately.

One irony of OM/OW situations is that, when the AP is unhappy in their marriage which is apparently often the case, you tend to provide enough of what you might call an emotional band aid for them to tolerate the situation better. So the result is they're actually less unhappy (overall) and so more likely to stay put. You cutting him off may (actually almost certainly will) result in him being less happy. However even that is no guarantee he'll leave - after all he's already lasted this long and (if they're actually genuinely incompatible) he's probably even more subject to sunken cost fallacy WRT his marriage than you are WRT the affair.

[SideChick23]

I find it odd that they never vacation as a family. It’s either just the two of them, along with either adult friends or adult family OR the three of them (husband, wife and son) with adult friends or adult family. It’s never just the two of them or the three of them alone. Perhaps I have made it more tolerable for him to stay because I provide the emotional escape. Either way it’s time for me to cut him off. I thought after 6 years we’d be together and since we aren’t, it’s time to find a real partner. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

I find it odd that they never vacation as a family. It’s either just the two of them, along with either adult friends or adult family OR the three of them (husband, wife and son) with adult friends or adult family. It’s never just the two of them or the three of them alone.

It was just the three of them because that's what the parents paid for.   You're overthinking.

1 hour ago, SideChick23 said:

Perhaps I have made it more tolerable for him to stay because I provide the emotional escape. 

What makes you think his stories about the marriage are true?  If he was truly that miserable, he'd have left for you long ago.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I find it odd that they never vacation as a family.

This, to me, is the typical musing of an unhappy affair partner - preoccupied with her affair partner and his marriage/family life and trying to find meaning in a rather benign “fact” that confirms that his marriage is not what it should be/her relationship with MM is better.

You are free to wonder all you want but again, I would suggest that your attention and focus are misplaced. You don’t know anything about his marriage, their family life, or the dynamics of their extended family/friendships. So, your judgment that there is something “odd” or “wrong” with how they may/may not chose to vacation is just more time and emotional energy wasted…

Edited June 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[SideChick23]

I’m spiraling a little. I’m sorry. I’m just working through the process. I’ve just booked a girls weekend. Working towards moving on. 

[glows]

Does the vacay involve the beach? 😊

[SideChick23]

37 minutes ago, glows said:

Does the vacay involve the beach? 😊

Actually it does.  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I find it odd that they never vacation as a family. It’s either just the two of them, along with either adult friends or adult family OR the three of them (husband, wife and son) with adult friends or adult family. It’s never just the two of them or the three of them alone

Eh, none of this is your business. 

When you find yourself picking apart their marriage, re-direct your attention to your own life and healing. Focus on your upcoming girls' weekend and having a great time.

[Whaatamidoing]

Im so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can hear the speed in which you write to get all your emotions out because he is not validating you as a person.

I have my own story and you know in all the years I was with him (too many), every single holiday he went on with his family/wife was a surprise, unexpected, told about last minute. Every. Single. One. I got sad about it in the beginning and then I got made about it. I shouldnt have breached his privacy but I logged into his email. They discussed every single holiday via email for months before he went.

He got a puppy, that came and interrupted our private life, in the office everyday. It was a surprise gift from the kids for fathers day one year. Another lie. Email trail of the types, when they should get one. Photos of it aas they visited it before they committed to having it. He knew, he just didn't have the balls to be honest with me that he was living his best happy home life with his wife and sleeping with me.

I'm sorry but they are all wired the same, the same lines and the same lies. Please get out as soon as you can. When reality hits, it will hurt. I continue to feel stupid to this day.

Look after yourself.

[Will am I]

33 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

in all the years I was with him (too many), every single holiday he went on with his family/wife was a surprise, unexpected, told about last minute. Every. Single. One.

Outsider perspective: unplanned holidays in a family with kids and jobs are about as rare as water on Mars.

What the “unplanned” holiday really means is this: 

1. “I should tell OW I’m going on a fun trip to the Florida Keys with my wife and children”

2. ”OW won’t like the fact that I’m out with my wife and not with her, it would hurt her feelings. Besides, it’s not consistent with the stories I tell about my crappy marriage”

3. (time passes while procrastinating)

4. (departure date gets close)

5. “babe! my in-laws booked us a surprise trip!”

 

It really is that transparent when you look at it from a distance. When you’re under someone’s spell it’s not.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Will am I said:

5. “babe! my in-laws booked us a surprise trip!”

I don't believe this line either.  He knows he's the one paying for their planned vacation.  MM isn't going to tell her the truth when it's just him and his wife going away either, so he adds other people to make it look like there's no one on one time with his wife.  It's so text book with those guys.  They need to change up their lies.  They all seem to use the same lies.

[SideChick23]

5 hours ago, Will am I said:

5. “babe! my in-laws booked us a surprise trip!”

 

It really is that transparent when you look at it from a distance. When you’re under someone’s spell it’s not.

This is exactly why I needed this group. The outsider perspective has been spot on. I’m just too dumb to see it. Although I do see it, I just don’t want to admit to myself that he’d be deceitful like that. I think what’s bothering me is that I see the red flags and I know they are there (and we fight about them) I’m just too raveled in it to finally have enough. 

[SideChick23]

6 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I'm sorry but they are all wired the same, the same lines and the same lies. Please get out as soon as you can. When reality hits, it will hurt. I continue to feel stupid to this day.

Look after yourself.

Is there a way to chat privately? I’d love to hear more about your situation because it sounds so much like mine. How long were you together? How did you finally break free? How long have you been free?

[IrinaM]

This might sound callous but:

I would loooovvvee to see the look on his wife's face if she were to find out he's tattling to his mistress that he got bamboozled and waylaid into a family vacation to the Carribean. Steam would probably come jutting out of her ears like in a cartoon.

(Please don't take this to mean I think you should contact her, bc I don't!)

[SideChick23]

9 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

This might sound callous but:

I would loooovvvee to see the look on his wife's face if she were to find out he's tattling to his mistress that he got bamboozled and waylaid into a family vacation to the Carribean. Steam would probably come jutting out of her ears like in a cartoon.

(Please don't take this to mean I think you should contact her, bc I don't!)

Haha. I have no intentions on reaching out to her. I do like your visual though. I don’t understand how we haven’t gotten caught in 6 years. Surely she has to know and is just turning a blind eye. Neither one of us is that slick. 

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

I’m just too dumb to see it.

You’re not dumb.

I think you have been the victim of manipulation by your affair partner.

Manipulation in the form or a complex mix of twisted truths and lies.

Because you were in love, you were open to this. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Saying this because self confidence is important if you are serious about breaking free from the spell of to the affair and self blame undermines that. This is the part where you have to be strong and bold.

Edited June 7, 2023 by Will am I

[Whaatamidoing]

11 hours ago, SideChick23 said:

Is there a way to chat privately? I’d love to hear more about your situation because it sounds so much like mine. How long were you together? How did you finally break free? How long have you been free?

I would love to but I am not sure how we can on this site. Can anyone advise? 8 years and the last 3 were pretty bad but I didn't realise how bad until I could be on the outside looking in. I lost a lot, in terms of money, my business and all my hard work over the last 8 years but It was definitely the right choice. I have been having therapy for a couple of years, helping me deal with the situation, the loss, the weird hatred I had inside of me towards his wife and family. I'm getting through it but I'm not who i was before, I'm not sure i ever will be. I read others accounts, like yours and its scarily similar. I dont by any means think my guy was a bad to the bone, planned to manipulate and hurt me person but I seem to have got tangled up and became a release for other areas of his life that were never dealt with (dodgy childhood, unhappy marriage, Facebook life pretence), since having therapy I have realised his behaviour and situation was not my fault. 

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I would love to but I am not sure how we can on this site. Can anyone advise?

PM's through this site are only available to established members.  I'm not sure how many posts it is, but I'm pretty sure it's about a 100 (give or take)