How to react when you are the only one reaching out to get together

[justwhoiam]

I'm Italian, and in my culture, we bluntly bring it up first thing when we talk on the phone like: hey, what the heck, if it's not me calling you you really never reach out...

And then the other person replies "hey, you're never at home when I am and you know I'm not a big texter..." or "it's been hectic, believe me!" or something like that... but usually it happens that the person being called out will reach out as they feel compelled, so they won't be called out again! No one likes being a failure 🙂 But onviously this only works between people who care about each other. If the other person doesn't give a s--t, then actually they might even be bothered by the comment and drop you. So it seems worth doing, to just get rid of unworthy people.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

, if it's not me calling you you really never reach out...

And then the other person replies "hey, you're never at home when I am and you know I'm not a big texter..." or "it's been hectic, believe me!" 

Are they ignoring your communication or just not initiating communication?

Do you think they are avoiding you or is it possible they are  not available to talk/text?

 

 

[justwhoiam]

On 7/1/2023 at 1:29 PM, Wiseman2 said:

"Are they ignoring your communication or just not initiating communication?"

Usually, it's just said jokingly, but with a truth behind it. If I called last time and then maybe 2 or 3 months went by and I'm still the one calling, that's what I might say. But I had one of my cousins saying that to me recently!

"Do you think they are avoiding you or is it possible they are  not available to talk/text?"

I guess life gets in the way! People work during the day, at times you get home late and then it's too late to call. You can text, but personally I prefer calls to texts.

 

[leafverdant]

It's completely natural to feel a bit unsure and concerned about your friendship dynamics. Friendships can change over time, and it's okay to reflect on how you're feeling. Instead of dwelling on any negativity, try focusing on the positive aspects of your friendship and the good times you've shared together.

Since you mentioned that you're not much of a texter anymore, it might be worth trying to have a casual, friendly conversation with your friend about how you've noticed a shift in the way you both interact. Keep it lighthearted and non-confrontational, expressing that you miss hanging out with her and would love to catch up more often. Maybe she's unaware of how you're feeling and opening up about it could lead to positive changes.

As for her new group of friends, remember that people can be drawn to new experiences and connections, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's forgotten about you. Friendships can ebb and flow, and it's possible that she's just caught up in her new social circle for now.

In the meantime, continue being open to meeting new people and making friends. Sometimes, putting yourself out there can lead to wonderful connections. And if, after some time, you still feel like the friendship isn't balanced, it's okay to let it be and focus on nurturing other relationships that bring you joy.

Overall, be patient and compassionate with yourself and your friend. Friendships can evolve, and it's essential to communicate and understand each other's perspectives.

[roses20]

On 7/25/2023 at 2:57 AM, leafverdant said:

 

As for her new group of friends, remember that people can be drawn to new experiences and connections, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's forgotten about you. Friendships can ebb and flow, and it's possible that she's just caught up in her new social circle for now.

 

 

So few months have passed. Long story short, I went out with them and some other girls to the club. It was ok, I met her new friends. I was starting to just let this go, meaning this sadness I was feeling because of her not reaching out as much as I was. But last time we saw each other, she told me they were going to the sea side and I just felt bad, because she never asked me if I would like to join them. She just casually told me they were planning on going. 

Last year we were discussing about going to the beach, but we never managed to go. And before this she told me that maybe we could go to a pool or something. So I did not feel good when she told me they were going since we have been discussing about this type of activity. I mean, in the past, when I had a friend that was going with other friends somewhere, they would ask me "hey, we are planning to go here, do you want to come"? I felt as if I am not included in her plans and now I even feel reluctant to ask her why she didn't consider asking me if I also wanted to join them... this kind of took me by surprise. I don't understand why she is acting posessive, or at least this is the vibe I am getting, that she wants me separate from them, as if they are her lovers, not just regular friends. She even told me a false date when they were going (I found out later after seeing her profile pic change) . I really wanted to go to the sea and I would not think it would bother her to be there with her.

Maybe I need some comforting opinions, I don't know, but it has been on my mind since then and I don't know if I will be able to pretend that I feel ok with this when we see each other. It kind of hurts, because I can't stop thinking about it. And I don't know how to bring this up to her, because it is building resentment in me. And in the past I hold on my hurt and never expressed it out of fear of losing someone and it only affected me.in the end.

As a side note, I have gone out lately with other new people, but it's not the same as when you have a close friend or friends. So it hurts when someone you felt close to does not think about asking you to go together. But I will keep on meeting new people, it does help ease my mind .

[stillafool]

I wouldn't bring up the trip to the sea with her.  She has a right to go away with whomever she chooses and so be it.   I wouldn't want to be with people who obviously don't want me along so I'm not going to beg her. You should contact your other friends and plan your own trip to the seaside and it doesn't have to be the same one either.  Just make lemonade out of these lemons.  I do think it was insensitive of her to tell you knowing how you feel about being left out of her plans.

Edited August 10, 2023 by stillafool

[basil67]

4 hours ago, roses20 said:

 I mean, in the past, when I had a friend that was going with other friends somewhere, they would ask me "hey, we are planning to go here, do you want to come"? I felt as if I am not included in her plans and now I even feel reluctant to ask her why she didn't consider asking me if I also wanted to join them... this kind of took me by surprise. 

Kindly, while your experience is certainly valid, I've never really seen this mixing of friends within my own social circles.  My friends usually keep their individual friend circles closed.  I recall many friends going away with their other groups of friends and not bringing a friend from outside....with the exception of when they are throwing a big birthday party or wedding and everyone is invited. 

That's not to say that you have no right to feel sad about it, but try not to overthink this particular incident as different friend groups do operate in different ways. 

 

[roses20]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, while your experience is certainly valid, I've never really seen this mixing of friends within my own social circles.  My friends usually keep their individual friend circles closed.  I recall many friends going away with their other groups of friends and not bringing a friend from outside....with the exception of when they are throwing a big birthday party or wedding and everyone is invited. 

That's not to say that you have no right to feel sad about it, but try not to overthink this particular incident as different friend groups do operate in different ways. 

 

I know what you mean, and you are right, but I have also seen people bringing other friends to trips. Or people don't mix friends when they think they would not get along because of being different kind of people, so I get if that was the case. But as I said, I did meet them and we talked etc and it was ok, we got along. I did not see what was the big deal or problem. And if I was to go with other people, I know she would have asked me on the spot why I did not tell her to go as well. Maybe I should have reacted immediately when she told me, but I did say I would have also liked to go..but she just went silent. I don't know, I would keep it to myself if I went somewhere without a friend, not tell them to their face and make them feel bad. 

Those other people I mentioned are not my friends, just some new people from a socialising group, so I can't really do that. And the weather here is getting cold, so goodbye seaside for this year. I will go if plans are made with those new people, it's just that in my mind, I don't want to feel as a competition. 

I'll see how I feel about this, but I feel now I have to pretend that this type of friendship works for me, where I can't say what I think. I know everybody is free to do as they choose, but sometimes it is hurtful for the other. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, roses20 said:

And if I was to go with other people, I know she would have asked me on the spot why I did not tell her to go as well.......I don't know, I would keep it to myself if I went somewhere without a friend, not tell them to their face and make them feel bad. 

I'm afraid I'm not going to be terribly helpful, because I would find a statement like the bolded extraordinarily presumptive and terribly awkward.    It's also weird that she's the type to ask why she hadn't been invited if you did this to her, but got awkward when you asked about being left out. It sounds a lot like hypocrisy to me. 

At the same time, I've never known a friend to keep a trip with people who almost strangers to me a secret.  Or even keep a secret if it was people I know, but am not close to.  

Perhaps we're dealing with cultural differences here.  I hope you find peace.

[stillafool]

You may want to decide if this friendship is worth keeping in your life.  She seems to upset you quite a bit and hurt your feelings.  I don't think it's intentional I just think your friendship has run its course and she may feel you two aren't compatible anymore.  That happens.  It would be better for you to hang out with your friends who value having you around.

[NuevoYorko]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, while your experience is certainly valid, I've never really seen this mixing of friends within my own social circles.  My friends usually keep their individual friend circles closed. 

 

 

9 hours ago, roses20 said:

I'll see how I feel about this, but I feel now I have to pretend that this type of friendship works for me, where I can't say what I think. I know everybody is free to do as they choose, but sometimes it is hurtful for the other. 

You are comfortable having only this one close friend in your life.  That's fine.  But she is not the same. She has this friend group.  If she invited you, I imagine that it would be kind of "heavy" and she'd be fully responsible for you having a good time.    It does not sound like a good idea to me and I"m surprised you'd want to be in that situation.  

You said that you met the friends and it was "ok."  That does not sound like a lot of fun is ahead if you were to be in a beach house with them.  

[Alpacalia]

I value one-on-one time with friends and family. I have a relationship with each friend individually, and I think it makes our friendships more special and unique. But I have also introduced my friends to each other. There are times when they do things without me. I don't have an issue with it. It's nice that they can connect with each other and have their own experiences without me.

My alone time is also very valuable to me. There is no mandate that your friends must always invite you, but if you are the one constantly initiating suggestions and sending out invites, maybe it's time to find a new circle of companions.

Edited August 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[roses20]

23 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

You are comfortable having only this one close friend in your life.  That's fine.  But she is not the same. She has this friend group.  If she invited you, I imagine that it would be kind of "heavy" and she'd be fully responsible for you having a good time.    It does not sound like a good idea to me and I"m surprised you'd want to be in that situation.  

You said that you met the friends and it was "ok."  That does not sound like a lot of fun is ahead if you were to be in a beach house with them.  

I am.not comfortable with only having her, it's that I happen to be in this phase in my life where I don't have many friends. That is why now I have started going out with new people. But it takes time until you find people you click and want to see again and again. And I also have work and other stuff, can't dedicate all my time to finding friends, that would help a lot of course, but it's unrealistic and I have a life to try and handle too.

Yes, to me when I say ok, I mean it was fine, we talked and got along well. It does not mean ok in a bad sense, I guess interpretation because I am writing is happening here and words are perceived differently. But no, it was ok and they also enjoyed talking to me that night. So there is no reason for her to feel that she would be responsabile for me enjoying the trip, because I also socialized with them that night. Was not a weirdo or anything. If I did not like them  or something of that nature, of course I would not have wanted to go. But everything was well, to answer to your reply. 

I know the tendency is to think that something must be wrong and assume, but no, everything was normal. That is why I was surprised. I don't know, never happened to me for a friend to not want to ask me to join them somewhere. Especially since I had met them and we were ok. I also suggested to my friend, when talking to her about playing some games that she also asks them if they want to join, and she immediately said she does not think they would like that. I mean, that was another instance where I saw that she would not even ask, just did not want to be all together. Because she did not know for a fact they did not like that game or anything like that..that also made me feel this way.

Edited August 11, 2023 by roses20

[roses20]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I value one-on-one time with friends and family. I have a relationship with each friend individually, and I think it makes our friendships more special and unique. But I have also introduced my friends to each other. There are times when they do things without me. I don't have an issue with it. It's nice that they can connect with each other and have their own experiences without me.

 

Exactly...this is what I am talking about... what's the secret or big deal...friends are just friends. And it's nice when there is a group being formed from all sorts of friends. When you are being kept away, you just feel unwanted. Even if she goes out with me separately. 

I also value one on one, but I also value being inclusive with friends. 

[Alpacalia]

32 minutes ago, roses20 said:

Exactly...this is what I am talking about... what's the secret or big deal...friends are just friends. And it's nice when there is a group being formed from all sorts of friends. When you are being kept away, you just feel unwanted. Even if she goes out with me separately. 

I also value one on one, but I also value being inclusive with friends. 

Yes, I can see how that would be hurtful.

Just as long as you're not bemoaning all the time when you're not included in something then it's OK to feel hurt when it happens.

I did have a friend like this, for over 10 years, and she ALWAYS had to be invited to things and would pout when she wasn't. It became exhausting for me and other friends and really affected all of our relationships. Other things too but it was a combination of things building one on top of the other.

I finally had enough and had to distance myself from her, we didn't speak for several years, but she reached out to me and apologized for her behavior and we have been able to be friends again.

It takes time to rebuild relationships and understand that sometimes we don't get to or have to be invited to everything. But if it is becoming a regular issue where you are getting hurt and feeling left out then it would be worth considering why this is happening.

Hopefully this helps with understanding how to handle this in a way that it won't cause hurt or damage to your friendships.

Edited August 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[roses20]

41 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes, I can see how that would be hurtful.

Just as long as you're not bemoaning all the time when you're not included in something then it's OK to feel hurt when it happens.

I did have a friend like this, for over 10 years, and she ALWAYS had to be invited to things and would pout when she wasn't. It became exhausting for me and other friends and really affected all of our relationships. Other things too but it was a combination of things building one on top of the other.

I finally had enough and had to distance myself from her, we didn't speak for several years, but she reached out to me and apologized for her behavior and we have been able to be friends again.

It takes time to rebuild relationships and understand that sometimes we don't get to or have to be invited to everything. But if it is becoming a regular issue where you are getting hurt and feeling left out then it would be worth considering why this is happening.

Hopefully this helps with understanding how to handle this in a way that it won't cause hurt or damage to your friendships.

I do not know what bemoaning means, but I did not complain or anything. I did say I would have also liked to go, but that was it. I kept it to myself, that is why I wrote here, because I could not stop thinking about it. And it was the first time it happened, with this situation I mean of not being asked to join them on a trip or outing. Although I think this week they are also going somewhere from what I understood. So yeah...my dilemma is that if I never say anything to her, that she will also think that it does not bother me not being invited or that I do not want to join them regardless, since I don't say anything. And that would also not be true, so I don't know what would be best to do. 

Edited August 11, 2023 by roses20

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, roses20 said:

I do not know what bemoaning means, but I did not complain or anything. I did say I would have also liked to go, but that was it. I kept it to myself, that is why I wrote here, because I could not stop thinking about it. And it was the first time it happened, with this situation I mean of not being asked to join them on a trip or outing. Although I think this week they are also going somewhere from what I understood. So yeah...my dilemma is that if I never say anything to her, that she will also think that it does not bother me not being invited or that I do not want to join them regardless, since I don't say anything. And that would also not be true, so I don't know what would be best to do. 

Bemoan

Well, if I was there with you I'd tuck you under my arm and bring you along. 🤗

What did she say when you said that you would have liked to go?

I know you said that you didn't want to ask her why she didn't consider asking you if I also wanted to join them. If it's just a one-time thing, it may not be necessary, but if it becomes a pattern, it could be helpful for you to speak out and say something. A simple "Hey, I noticed you didn't invite me on your outing - can I join next time?" could be enough to open up a dialogue.

Alternatively, if you want to try something different, you could be a bit more subtle. Next time they invite each other for something, you can casually suggest a thing to do and ask if they'd like to join you. This could be in a friendly way, like "Hey I'm going to the movies next Thursday, you guys want to join me?" This way you can show your friends that you'd like to also hang out with them without having to directly confront your friend about why you were not asked. In the end, it all boils down to how comfortable you are with the situation.

Whatever you choose to do - speaking out directly or being more subtle - it's ultimately up to you.

[roses20]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Bemoan

Well, if I was there with you I'd tuck you under my arm and bring you along. 🤗

What did she say when you said that you would have liked to go?

I know you said that you didn't want to ask her why she didn't consider asking you if I also wanted to join them. If it's just a one-time thing, it may not be necessary, but if it becomes a pattern, it could be helpful for you to speak out and say something. A simple "Hey, I noticed you didn't invite me on your outing - can I join next time?" could be enough to open up a dialogue.

Alternatively, if you want to try something different, you could be a bit more subtle. Next time they invite each other for something, you can casually suggest a thing to do and ask if they'd like to join you. This could be in a friendly way, like "Hey I'm going to the movies next Thursday, you guys want to join me?" This way you can show your friends that you'd like to also hang out with them without having to directly confront your friend about why you were not asked. In the end, it all boils down to how comfortable you are with the situation.

Whatever you choose to do - speaking out directly or being more subtle - it's ultimately up to you.

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I was thinking of saying something along the lines as you said, but honestly, I would feel as if I am begging, if I ask to join. I don't know why, although I know that is the only way to say something. I don't know how to change my mindset around this, because curently I am feeling unwanted and I don't want to feel even more vulnerable and what if it will off put her that I ask this. Maybe I am overthinking, but I don't know why I feel she only wants them for herself and not to share and is bothered if I joined. When there were other girls involved and we were a big group at the club, she did not seem bothered for me.to join. Only when she is going out with them alone.

When I said that I would have liked to go too, she did not say anything. That's when I felt kind of vulnerable and a little humiliated for saying that. Because her silence was also an answer. I don't know if you ever felt uncomfortable or had a feeling that you can't ask a friend to join them somewhere, because you would feel in their energy that they do not want to. This is how I am feeling now, I feel I should not dare to ask, because she does not want me there trully and I should keep my distance. Not a good feeling to have around a friend. And it hurts because her presence made me feel safe in the past. But now I feel I need to be careful not to look needy if I am honest with my feelings.

[roses20]

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I was thinking of saying something along the lines as you said, but honestly, I would feel as if I am begging, if I ask to join. I don't know why, although I know that is the only way to say something. I don't know how to change my mindset around this, because curently I am feeling unwanted and I don't want to feel even more vulnerable and what if it will off put her that I ask this. Maybe I am overthinking, but I don't know why I feel she only wants them for herself and not to share and is bothered if I joined. When there were other girls involved and we were a big group at the club, she did not seem bothered for me.to join. Only when she is going out with them alone.

When I said that I would have liked to go too, she did not say anything. That's when I felt kind of vulnerable and a little humiliated for saying that. Because her silence was also an answer. I don't know if you ever felt uncomfortable or had a feeling that you can't ask a friend to join them somewhere, because you would feel in their energy that they do not want to. This is how I am feeling now, I feel I should not dare to ask, because she does not want me there trully and I should keep my distance. Not a good feeling to have around a friend. And it hurts because her presence made me feel safe in the past. But now I feel I need to be careful not to look needy if I am honest with my feelings

Edited August 11, 2023 by roses20

[stillafool]

Maybe they intend to do a lot of clubbing while at the shore.  You have said in your previous thread you're not into that anymore and she may think you wouldn't enjoy yourself and that would throw a wrench in their plans.  It is okay to have more than one set of friends. When I was single I had 3 sets of friends, they all added different things to my life.

Since you did ask her why you weren't invited and she didn't give you an answer you did the right thing by dropping it.  You guys have had that conversation before, I think.

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, roses20 said:

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding. I was thinking of saying something along the lines as you said, but honestly, I would feel as if I am begging, if I ask to join. I don't know why, although I know that is the only way to say something. I don't know how to change my mindset around this, because curently I am feeling unwanted and I don't want to feel even more vulnerable and what if it will off put her that I ask this. Maybe I am overthinking, but I don't know why I feel she only wants them for herself and not to share and is bothered if I joined. When there were other girls involved and we were a big group at the club, she did not seem bothered for me.to join. Only when she is going out with them alone.

When I said that I would have liked to go too, she did not say anything. That's when I felt kind of vulnerable and a little humiliated for saying that. Because her silence was also an answer. I don't know if you ever felt uncomfortable or had a feeling that you can't ask a friend to join them somewhere, because you would feel in their energy that they do not want to. This is how I am feeling now, I feel I should not dare to ask, because she does not want me there trully and I should keep my distance. Not a good feeling to have around a friend. And it hurts because her presence made me feel safe in the past. But now I feel I need to be careful not to look needy if I am honest with my feelings.

You bet!

If she didn't say anything, yes, let it go.

I think what @stillafool mentioned could be a very good reason why she didn't invite you.

That aside, you're going to have to manage your own emotions and attitude here. What you’re going through is understandable to an extent, but take a step back from the situation and try to think objectively about it. Not to take it to heart so much. You're going to have to toughen up emotionally for such situations; it will help you in the future.

Don't rely so much on your friends if you feeling like you need them too much, it puts too much of a burden on them. Be mindful with how much you're expecting from them because if you're always expecting something from them or if you're always asking from them, it makes things very complex. As the saying goes, too much of something is bad. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet when it comes to emotional support and socializing.

Set distances and boundaries for yourself for your own sake. Don't let her silence let you feel defeated or whatever, take control of the situation, realize her state of feeling and how she wants to spend her time and respect that. Overall, all I can suggest is to focus on yourself, keep enjoying yourself in life and if an offer for an event comes upon you, then take it when it suits you and don't if it doesn't.

[basil67]

@roses20 I went back to the very start.  Most (all?) of the responses to that post talk along the lines of how this friend doesn't seek your friendship as strongly as you seek hers.  She's been drifting for ages and is probably still around only because you keep reaching out to her.   And you also don't like doing the same things that she does with the different group.   With the context of that post, it's should be no surprise that she didn't invite you. 

Friendship is like a fart.  If you've got to push it, it's probably sh*t

Edited August 11, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Do you consider yourself to be a shy person?

[roses20]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You bet!

If she didn't say anything, yes, let it go.

I think what @stillafool mentioned could be a very good reason why she didn't invite you.

That aside, you're going to have to manage your own emotions and attitude here. What you’re going through is understandable to an extent, but take a step back from the situation and try to think objectively about it. Not to take it to heart so much. You're going to have to toughen up emotionally for such situations; it will help you in the future.

Don't rely so much on your friends if you feeling like you need them too much, it puts too much of a burden on them. Be mindful with how much you're expecting from them because if you're always expecting something from them or if you're always asking from them, it makes things very complex. As the saying goes, too much of something is bad. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet when it comes to emotional support and socializing.

Set distances and boundaries for yourself for your own sake. Don't let her silence let you feel defeated or whatever, take control of the situation, realize her state of feeling and how she wants to spend her time and respect that. Overall, all I can suggest is to focus on yourself, keep enjoying yourself in life and if an offer for an event comes upon you, then take it when it suits you and don't if it doesn't.

That is the thing. With past friendships, I did not have this issue, they would invite me places all the time. I never thought or felt I am expecting too much from them, because they would search for my company, I never had to calculate how many times we were seeing each other or this stuff I am telling you now. Everything was mutual when it comes to how much time we wanted to spend together, most of the times.

My friendship with her is the only "more distant" one that I have had. Distant as in having a more slow pace in talking to each other when we are not seeing each other. So paradoxically, it is the one friendship where I did not put many expectations, I assume it is because I saw she was also a more aloof type of person. And these things I am writing here, I did not tell her or make her feel them, I only kept them to myself, because I know these feelings I need to go through them and see what is the best solution for me to toughen up. I wish English was my first language so that I could express more accurately, because I see that things get lost in translation, but language barrier is a thing I guess.

I have always maintaned a balance with her, never reached out more than 2 per month, if I felt her not in mood to talk, I did not force it. I tried mirroring her behaviour and not be "too much" for her because I saw that is how she is, so I cannot expect her to be like other people I have hung out with. 

About the part that she is with me because I keep reaching out. Lately, because she was never sure if we could hang out because she would be tired from the club the next day, I stopped initiating. And she has reached out, but it was on the same day, when she felt she was not tired or hungover. So yeah, even if she reached out, it was kind of last minute , and we would see each other in the same day. So now it's like she seeks my company , but it's only when she has time or energy left after hanging out with them and always last minute. 

Also wanted to make a disclaimer, when someone writes how they think and feel extensively on the internet, I know it looks like they need to toughen up or it can be perceived as weak. But I believe we people have this need to talk to someone all the time, and when you are just talking in real life, it does not seem that much. But in writing, everything looks as if it is a novel, because speaking is faster than writing and the words seem fewer. So I wanted to thank you for reading and replying to me. Because the reason of my writing is rhat I simply don't have anyone to talk to and tell them all what I wrote here. I am this person when someone needs it , I have listened to people for hours venting and sharing their feelings when they needed someone to listen. But currently, I don't have anyone who can listen and talk about these type of issues.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, roses20 said:

That is the thing. With past friendships, I did not have this issue, they would invite me places all the time. I never thought or felt I am expecting too much from them, because they would search for my company, I never had to calculate how many times we were seeing each other or this stuff I am telling you now. Everything was mutual when it comes to how much time we wanted to spend together, most of the times.

My friendship with her is the only "more distant" one that I have had. Distant as in having a more slow pace in talking to each other when we are not seeing each other. So paradoxically, it is the one friendship where I did not put many expectations, I assume it is because I saw she was also a more aloof type of person. And these things I am writing here, I did not tell her or make her feel them, I only kept them to myself, because I know these feelings I need to go through them and see what is the best solution for me to toughen up. I wish English was my first language so that I could express more accurately, because I see that things get lost in translation, but language barrier is a thing I guess.

I have always maintaned a balance with her, never reached out more than 2 per month, if I felt her not in mood to talk, I did not force it. I tried mirroring her behaviour and not be "too much" for her because I saw that is how she is, so I cannot expect her to be like other people I have hung out with. 

About the part that she is with me because I keep reaching out. Lately, because she was never sure if we could hang out because she would be tired from the club the next day, I stopped initiating. And she has reached out, but it was on the same day, when she felt she was not tired or hungover. So yeah, even if she reached out, it was kind of last minute , and we would see each other in the same day. So now it's like she seeks my company , but it's only when she has time or energy left after hanging out with them and always last minute. 

Also wanted to make a disclaimer, when someone writes how they think and feel extensively on the internet, I know it looks like they need to toughen up or it can be perceived as weak. But I believe we people have this need to talk to someone all the time, and when you are just talking in real life, it does not seem that much. But in writing, everything looks as if it is a novel, because speaking is faster than writing and the words seem fewer. So I wanted to thank you for reading and replying to me. Because the reason of my writing is rhat I simply don't have anyone to talk to and tell them all what I wrote here. I am this person when someone needs it , I have listened to people for hours venting and sharing their feelings when they needed someone to listen. But currently, I don't have anyone who can listen and talk about these type of issues.

I think split the friendship is the path to go. Sad part is you don't want the friendship to end. But at this point, all the things you've tried to make it work have been ineffective and actually have been making you feel worse. I don't see any other way, quite sadly.